New Life
by BlackVegetable
Summary: Axel has had a rough life and moves from the big city to peaceful Destiny Islands to get himself a fresh start. Riku is lonely since his best friend Sora spends all his time with his girlfriend and seems to have totally forgotten about him. AxelRiku AU
1. First day of the rest of your life

**First day of the rest of your life**

X

Axel felt lost.

He was glad he was finally off that bus, though. That must have been the worst ride of his life, maybe even topping that time Marluxia was driving them home from some party when they were both completely shitfaced and Axel had puked all over the windshield.

At least he got to be really drunk and high that time. Being sober in a crowded bus without air conditioning in a tropical climate was horrifying in an entirely different way. On top of it all he had been crushed against the window by some fat, old cow that was talking to loud and was totally oblivious to the glares he sent her way. When he for once wished someone would be intimidated by his appearance, of course they weren't. It was just his luck. He had also been squirming uncomfortably in his seat so that his sweat-soaked boxers rode up and gave him the most awful wedgie _ever_.

Thankfully it was over now, the bus already speeding away and the other passengers from the airport walking off in different directions or packing themselves and their luggage into waiting cabs, looking like they knew exactly where they were going. Axel had no idea where he was going and was left standing on the sidewalk with his little suitcase on wheels. At least he knew he was on the right island and his new address. He should be getting a cab himself and then it could take him to his place. It was a sound game plan.

At least it would have been, if it wasn't for the fact that the waiting cabs got filled up and drove away at an alarming pace. _No, no, no!_

Axel hurried for the last cab that still wasn't full, but the driver just took one contemptuous look at him, ignored him and drove up to some old geezer instead, and suddenly he was standing all alone in an almost abandoned plaza in the blazing sun. His looks had betrayed him again.

Trying to restrain himself from bursting out in a loud string of curses, Axel closed his eyes and tried to take deep breaths. This was really the _last_ thing he needed. Both his body temperature and his temper were already near boiling point without some damned cab-driver passing judgement over him. It was always like that; people eyeing him with disgust or fear, instantly deciding he was some no-good junkie and therefore thinking they were allowed to treat him like shit. He really hated people sometimes.

Closing his fists he counted slowly to ten. _Calm._

He didn't feel much better though. It was so hot! Axel could feel droplets of sweat roll down his temple and strands of his hair sticking to his forehead. Not to mention the situation in his pants! He tried wriggling out of his wedgie, but only managed to make it worse. Maybe a black hoodie and tight fitting black jeans wasn't the best attire in this kind of climate… What if he had to give up dressing in black altogether? Axel paled at the thought. This paradise island was _not_ like he had imagined it!

"You need any help?"

Axel spun around at the sound of the voice addressing him and found himself face to face with a young man so beautiful it was almost ridiculous. He had long hair in a strange, silvery color and it looked perfectly smooth and soft and not at all tangled up and sweat-soaked like Axel's own. He was dressed in a yellow tank top and loose-fitting, blue cargo pants that clung about his hips and ass in a very flattering way. He looked like some kind of athlete with his slim, but muscular build and Axel stared in awe at the well-defined muscles of the boy's arms. He knew there was not a muscle in sight on his own body. Well, nothing like this, anyway! At least he thought he was a tiny bit taller than this insufferable guy who made him feel like a sweaty, ugly, scrawny freak. The boy looked at him with perfect almond shaped eyes that were the same colour as the ocean in a picture from a travel agency brochure. The kind of picture that had made Axel want to move to Destiny Islands in the first place.

Why was he looking at him like that? Did he expect him to say something? Axel frowned. Oh, right. He had asked him something, hadn't he?

"Uhh," Axel managed to get out, "what?"

"I said," the boy repeated patiently, "do you need any help? You don't look like you're from around here." He even had a beautiful voice, Axel thought, dismayed. Low and slightly husky, like it was made for whispering dirty secrets into one's ear late at night. _Axel's ear?_ He slapped himself mentally for letting his mind go there.

"That's a nice way of saying I look like a complete freak," Axel answered and failed at keeping the bite of sarcasm out of his voice. He slapped himself mentally again. Wasn't he supposed to have a new start in this place? Actually trying to get along with people?

To his surprise, the boy gave out a low chuckle instead of getting pissed off.

"I guess it is," he said with a slight smirk. "That sweater looks awfully warm. Are you a tourist?"

"No." Axel relaxed a little. "Actually, I'm moving here."

The boy smiled and it was, just as Axel had suspected, a beautiful smile. Not too big or goofy and showing off a set of perfect, white teeth.

"Really?" he said. "That's great! I'm Riku." The boy extended his hand and Axel took it, after trying to discretely wipe away the worst of the sweat of his own hand on the leg of his pants.

"Axel," he plainly introduced himself.

Riku grimaced a little, since Axel's hand was still kind of sticky.

"You should get out of the sun," he said and Axel rolled his eyes. No shit! "So where are you moving in? How old are you?"

Axel raised his eyebrows. What was with all the questions? Did this Riku kid actually expect him to give out his address to a total stranger he just met on the street? Well, he could think again.

"I'm twentyone, and I don't know exactly where my place is yet. I need to find a cab so it can take me there," he explained with what he himself thought was a great deal of patience. "Hopefully anytime soon, so I can take a shower," he added, hoping that Riku would get the message. _If you can help me find a cab, do it, or get out of my face._

"Oh, right," Riku said blinking. He then turned his gaze away from Axel to scan the plaza. "There's usually cabs hanging around here when the bus from the airport arrives. You didn't see any when you got off?"

"Yeah, but I kind of got left behind," Axel said impatiently, wiping away the sweat on his forehead with the sleeve of his hoodie. God, it was like pouring out of him!

Riku turned to look at him again with a small smile. "Well, I guess you could stick around here waiting to see if they come back, or maybe I could give you a ride? I know my way around town pretty well. Not that it's a great feat or anything, this place is kind of small!"

"Isn't that sweet," Axel finally snapped. Did he look like a complete idiot or something? "But I'm sad to tell you there's absolutely no way I'm letting some random guy, who looks like he could easily kick my ass, drive me away to God knows where, so just piss off, would you!"

Riku's mouth fell open and he backed away a step, a hurt look flashing over his face before his eyes narrowed in anger.

"Fine," he growled. "I was just trying to help! Good luck making any friends here, jerk!" With those last words, he spun on his heel and marched away down the street not once looking back. Axel shrugged and dragged his suitcase over to a bench shaded by a large palm tree. He flopped down on it and sighed.

Okay, so maybe the kid didn't mean any harm, but how was Axel supposed to know that? He sure had seen enough shit in his days to be careful with whom he trusted, it was really just common sense. Maybe these island people weren't used to mistrust everyone like he was. After all this was a small and peaceful corner of the world and nothing like the big city. He would have to remember that, so he didn't make anymore enemies. Right now he just wanted to get to his new home and shower and rest up. Besides from feeling disgustingly sweat-soaked, he was also exhausted from the journey, which did nothing to help keeping his temper in line.

Taking a deep breath and fishing out his mp3-player of his pocket, Axel leaned back on the bench and waited for a cab to show up.

X

Riku slammed the car door shut, still annoyed at that guy at the plaza. Figures that whenever a new face shows up in town it has to be a total jackass. He had really tried his best to be friendly, which wasn't exactly his forte, and what did he get for his efforts? That guy had actually told him to piss off! "Asshole," Riku grumbled aloud as he turned the key to start the ignition.

He was going back to his apartment, this day was ruined anyway. Sora was busy hanging out with Kairi, as always, and Riku was in such a foul mood that he didn't think he could stand the company of any of his other friends. The thought of Selphie bouncing around telling him to cheer up entered his mind and he shuddered.

It would have been so nice if that guy, Axel, had been someone he could hang out with. He seemed different, all dressed in black with fiery red hair and tattoos on his face; nothing like the boring, narrow-minded, infuriatingly normal inhabitants of Destiny Islands. Sometimes Riku just wanted to scream because he was so tired of this dead-end, god-forgotten corner of the world and all the people in it. One year of high school left, then he would leave and he wouldn't miss a thing. Well… He'd miss Sora, but it seemed he had already lost him anyway. Since he got together with Kairi, he barely ever had time to hang out with Riku anymore, and when he did all he talked about was her. Riku hated it.

He knew he was handling the situation badly. Kairi was Sora's first girlfriend and it was only natural that she would be the only thing on his mind for some time. It would pass eventually, Riku just had to be patient, or so everyone told him. They were probably right, but Riku just couldn't be happy for Sora. They used to always be together, how could something like that just be tossed aside?

This was a bad train of thought, and Riku knew it. He tried to shrug it off by focusing on the road. He was only thinking like this because that guy had knocked him off balance, he shouldn't let it get to him. Thinking too much was a bad thing.

"Sora will come around eventually and I'll be out of here in a year," Riku muttered out loud. "Everything will be fine." That was the mantra he used to repeat to try and keep his spirits up, but it seemed he was already too far into his downward spiral of thoughts to get out of it.

What was wrong with him? Why was he always so angry? Why couldn't he get along with people? Why couldn't he be happy for his best friend?

The thoughts would swirl through his head faster and faster until he could finally see the rotten core of his soul, a black hole of nothing that was like a rent into some alien dimension. And that was the simple truth that Riku feared more than anything else. There was nothing wrong with Sora or Destiny Islands. Those things he could run away from; leave behind. But the thing that was really wrong he was stuck with, and that was himself.

Fighting hard to bite back the sobs that wanted to tear out of his throat, Riku drove the last distance to his apartment and parked his car outside on the street. He ran up the stairs, desperate to be alone and out of sight. The mist of tears was blurring his vision and he felt truly pathetic when he fumbled with the lock on his door, unable to see which key was the right one. When he finally found it and the lock clicked open, Riku ran inside, slamming the door shut behind him, then threw himself on the bed, screaming and crying into the pillow and beating the shit out of the mattress, until he was exhausted.

He rolled over on his back and stared up in the ceiling, feeling hollow. At least the thoughts had stopped, but God, did he hate his life.

"Fuck this," he growled and sat up. The only thing that seemed to help him with his moods was exercise, so Riku changed into his gym clothes and put his hair up in a pony tail and left for the gym.

X

Getting some rest was hard when you didn't have a bed, Axel concluded after much writhing on the folded up towel he used as a temporary mattress. He had finally found a cab that could take him to his new home, but the movers wouldn't show up with his furniture and stuff until the next day. Axel had figured one night without a bed would be manageable, but as usual it seemed like he had been wrong.

Sighing, he tried to twist into a more comfortable position without much luck. There always seemed to be some part of his body sticking out so that bone ground against hard floor. Not for the first time, Axel wished he wasn't so damn skinny.

"I give up," he muttered aloud and sat up. He was already feeling stiff and sore from just an hour or so on the floor. He groaned, rubbing the small of his back, then grabbed his pack of cigarettes and lighter and headed out on the balcony. He was only in his boxers and the washed-out loose tank top he usually slept in, but didn't bother to put on something else. The air was cooler than in the day, but it was still comfortably warm. Axel decided he liked the tropical nights better than the days. Maybe he could find a night-shift job?

His balcony wasn't very big, but held a nice view of the surrounding parks and buildings. Some palm trees growing outside would shade it from the sun during daytime, but were now only visible as silhouettes against the night sky.

Axel took a breath of fresh air before lighting a cigarette and inhaling the smoke. He immediately felt more relaxed. Nicotine was one drug he was _not_ going to give up. He leaned on the railing and exhaled slowly, watching the smoke drift away and dissolve in the darkness. It was pretty…

"Hey."

Axel flinched and let out a small yelp at the unexpected sound of someone talking to him. He turned around to face the source of the voice and was once again taken aback.

There on the neighbouring balcony sat that kid he snapped at downtown earlier in the day. So he lived next door? They were neighbours? What were the odds of that?

The kid still looked pissed and somehow even more beautiful than Axel remembered him. Soft moonlight seemed to fit him better than sharp sunlight, Axel reflected during a fraction of a second before he could get a grip on himself.

"Uuh… Hey," Axel stuttered, before bursting out a slightly hysterical chuckle at the absurd humour of the situation. Not only had he managed to piss off the hottest guy he had ever seen, he was also living next-door to him. His ability to make an ass out of himself sure was uncanny.

"What's so funny?" the other boy demanded angrily, rising from the plastic chair he had been sitting in, his hands balling into fists at his sides.

"Heh, what's not funny?" Axel countered nervously. "I haven't even been here a day and I already pissed off my neighbour without even knowing it. Just my luck…" He drew another breath of smoke from his cigarette.

On the other balcony Riku crossed his arms over his chest and frowned.

"You're weird."

"So they say." Axel shook his head and steeled himself. A fresh start, it was… "Listen," he told Riku, "I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier, ok? I have a bad temper and I get frustrated easily… and where I come from we don't just trust strangers no matter how nice they seem. It's just common sense, nothing personal, alright?"

He looked the other boy steady in the eyes, waiting for some sort of reaction. Riku relaxed his stance, uncrossing his arms and rubbing his hand at the back of his head.

"Alright, I guess…" He shot Axel a hesitant smile. "I figured it might be something like that. I sort of have a bad temper myself…" He leaned back at the railing of his balcony, eyes glimmering slightly in the faint light. "So… Can I ask where you're from, or will you just bite my head off again?"

Axel relaxed and also got back to his former position, leaning with his forearms on the balcony's railing. He smiled. "No, it's fine. Ask away, it's not like I'm getting any sleep anyway…" He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm from Menelflor."

"Menelflor?" Riku whispered, sounding slightly breathless. "Wow, what's it like? I always wanted to go there."

"Why?" Axel grimaced and looked over at his neighbour. "It's a fucking hell-hole. It would just suck out your soul and eat you alive."

"It's also the biggest city on the planet while this is the smallest and most boring place on earth!" Riku said heatedly. "I just want to get away and see things, you know, live a little?"

Axel couldn't help smiling. He supposed he would have been pretty bored growing up in a quiet place like this too. "Yeah, I know what you mean. Don't listen to me, I just have bad experiences and need to get away from there for a while."

Riku frowned again. "What happened?"

Axel inhaled another lungful of smoke before he answered. "That's kind of personal, you know." Then he realized he wasn't wearing anything over his arms. Shit!

"Uhmm…" He quickly crushed the glow out of his cigarette and flipped it over the railing. "I'll be right back, I just need to…"

With those words he rushed back into his apartment and hastily dug out a long-sleeved shirt from his suitcase. Actually he had almost no shirts or sweaters with short sleeves. He didn't think Riku had seen anything. It was dark and if he had seen anything, he would probably have asked about it, the nosy bastard. Axel put the shirt on and went back out on the balcony.

Riku hadn't left and eyed axel like he was some kind of freak when he returned.

"What was that about?" he asked. "Don't tell me you're cold!"

"Maybe I am!" Axel snarled back and shot Riku a challenging glare. What the hell was wrong with people? Why couldn't they just mind their own god-damn business? Always those questions. Why do you always wear long sleeves, Axel? Don't you get hot, Axel? Just wear a T-shirt, Axel! And if he caved in and showed them the twin scars that ran vertically on the insides of his forearms, from his wrists almost all the way up to the elbows, then the questions would just never end. Axel much preferred if people never saw those scars.

Riku rolled his eyes and held up his hands in a pacifying gesture. "Fine," he said. "I'll drop it."

Axel's sudden flare of temper died down almost as quickly as it had shown up. "Uh, yeah… Thanks." He fished out another cigarette and lighted it while trying to figure out something to say. "So, how old are you anyway, Riku? You want a cigarette?"

Riku relaxed and smiled softly. "I don't smoke."

"Figures," Axel muttered.

"Anyway," Riku continued, giving Axel an annoyed glare (which was ignored), "I'm eighteen. My birthday was about three months ago and that's about as long as I've had this apartment too. I moved out of my parents' house the next day."

Axel raised an eyebrow. "Trouble at home?"

"Oh, so personal questions are alright, as long as you're the one asking?" Riku remarked sarcastically. Axel just chuckled.

"You don't have to answer."

"It's fine." Riku shrugged. "My folks are okay, I just don't want to live with them."

Axel just nodded and yawned. What teenager in their right mind did? It was getting late and he was really tired. Trying to sleep on that towel didn't seem very tempting though. Maybe he could just spend the night out here on the balcony smoking and hope that Riku wouldn't mind keeping him company for a while.

"Why are you up this late?" he asked him.

Riku cleared his throat. "I couldn't sleep." He looked down so that his hair fell over his face like a silver veil. "I have a lot on my mind, sometimes…" Axel could have sworn he sounded sad, but then he looked up again, gaze as steady as ever. "So, what's keeping you up? Or is that a personal question too?"

Axel chuckled. "No, it's quite simple. I don't have a bed yet, my stuff arrives here tomorrow."

"You're sleeping on the floor? Ouch!" Axel smiled at Riku's sympathetic look of pain.

"Yeah, I think I'll just stay up tonight."

Riku frowned and crossed his arms. "That's just stupid. You can sleep on my couch, if you want." He looked Axel in the eyes and his frown turned into a mocking smirk. "If you dare…"

Axel stared back and felt a grin slowly spread over his face. He hadn't been sure if their conversation was going very well with all the snapping back and forth, but apparently he hadn't pissed him off too much. Riku seemed nice enough and at the moment trading the towel for a couch seemed like winning the grand prize at the lottery.

"If you really don't mind, then I think I'll take the risk," he replied and gave Riku a wink. "Thanks a lot!"

"You're welcome." Riku smiled brightly back at him for the first time since Axel had met him downtown. "Finish your cigarette and come over. I'll go inside and find you a blanket and pillow and stuff." He waved and disappeared through the door.

Axel continued smiling to himself in the darkness. Maybe things weren't shaping up so bad after all.

He smoked the rest off his cigarette in silence, and then he went inside. He picked up his pants so he would have something to wear in the morning, and then went out in the corridor to knock on the door to the right of his own. It was opened almost immediately by Riku, who welcomed him inside with a sweeping hand gesture.

"I think your apartment is identical to mine," Axel said stepping inside and taking a look around. "Only everything is mirrored, and it has furniture…"

"Furniture is a plus," Riku answered. "Help yourself to the couch, I'm going to take another shot at sleeping too."

The couch was placed in the centre of the apartment's only room, against the wall. Riku had draped a sheet over it and laid a checkered blanket and some cushions out on it. Axel sighed happily. This was going to be so much better than the towel on the floor. And even better if he could get Riku to join him on the couch, but that would be pushing his luck, he supposed.

"Thanks again, Riku," he said, taking a seat in the sofa. "This is really nice of you, I'm really sorry I was such an ass earlier."

Riku shook his head. "Don't worry about it. And it's really no big deal having you stay over the night. Most people on these islands are happy to help each other out."

Axel cocked an eyebrow, and let a little mischief into his voice as he spoke. "So you're telling me all hot guys around here will be happy to invite me to stay the night? I think I'm going to like it here…" He was pleased to see Riku's eyes widen and his cheeks grow a faint red at that comment.

"Wh-what?"

Axel rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on!" He looked into Riku's eyes. "I'm just joking around. And I know you know you're good-looking."

"Yeah… it's just…" Riku blushed deeper and looked down into the carpet. "Usually only girls tell me that," he continued awkwardly. "Uhm… Thanks, I guess."

Axel decided that was enough flirting for now, after all he didn't want to risk his host kicking him out so that he had to reunite with his towel. Tomorrow was another matter, though. Axel sent the blushing teen a crooked smile across the room.

"Goodnight, Riku. See you in the morning."


	2. We humble island folk just love to help

**We humble island folk just love to help**

X

Axel woke up by sunlight filing in through the shutters and shining into his eyes. He was disoriented for a moment, but soon remembered where he was. His hot neighbour's couch. He stretched out for his cell phone to check the time, a little worried that he had been sleeping too long. He had to catch the movers when they showed up. He didn't have to worry though, it was only 8.13 and he knew they wouldn't show up until some time after 10. Still Axel felt completely rested and didn't feel like lying still anymore.

He sat up and looked over at the bed where Riku was sleeping peacefully. His hair was a little messed up and his cheeks slightly rosy and he was just so god-damn beautiful. Couldn't he at least have a weird sleeping face, like with his mouth open and drooling? Axel began to suspect that Riku was one of those people who always looked good no matter what they were doing. Hell, he would probably look gorgeous and completely fuckable even if he was smeared in feces from head to toe. Axel sighed over the world's unfairness and stood up, putting on his pants.

He walked over to the sleeping boy and shook his shoulder gently.

"Riku? Riku, wake up!"

"Uh… What?" Riku blinked his eyes open and stared at Axel unfocusedly. "What time is it?"

"Sorry to wake you up, sleeping beauty," Axel said with a smirk and took the opportunity to stroke away some loose strands of hair from the younger boy's face while he was still too groggy to notice. "I just thought I should tell you I'm going over to my place; I need to take a shower and then wait for the movers to show up. Thanks again for letting me crash on the couch."

"No problem." Riku sat up and rubbed his eyes with his knuckles, then yawned and stretched his arms over his head. "I can make you breakfast if you come back here after you showered." He was smiling at Axel, who watched him intently. Damn, that stretch had looked nice with the way his back arched. Was he doing that on purpose?

"You really don't have to do that," Axel answered after a second, referring to the breakfast invitation.

"Just say yes, I'm trying to be nice!" Riku insisted. "Besides…" He rubbed the back of his head and looked at Axel shyly. "I'm kind of lonely… And how much fun can it be for you to hang out in an empty apartment?""

"Not very much, I'll admit," Axel replied, feeling oddly touched by Riku's apparently sincere wish to help him out. He grinned and ruffled Riku's hair. "Ok, I'll return for breakfast soon. Can I order anything I want?"

"Sure," Riku said glaring at Axel in a very sexy way (or so Axel thought), while trying to smooth out his hair. "As long as it's cucumber sandwiches. Or cereal."

Axel laughed. "That will be fine. Thanks again."

Riku just waved his hand dismissively and Axel left smiling.

He walked the few meters of corridor leading to his door barefoot, like last night. As he got inside his new home he stripped and picked up the towel from the floor. "Time for you to serve your real purpose!" he told it.

He wondered if he should take a long shower, or be quick about it. A long shower would give Riku some time alone, maybe he also wanted to shower and stuff. On the other hand maybe a quick shower would lead to him walking in on Riku while he was still showering… That was a very pleasing mental image. Riku's lean, muscular body, glistening wet with foam slowly running down it… His hands moving over his body as he lathered himself with soap…

Axel was getting a hard-on just thinking about it. He got into the shower quickly, and decided that it would have to be a long one since he had to take care of business…

He closed his eyes as he turned on the water and let it pour down on him. The temperature was nice and warm right from the start, Axel was happy to discover. Not like those showers that would run cold forever. He grabbed the bottle of shower cream he had already put in there the night before in a feeble attempt to make the apartment more homely and squirted some of its contents out in his hand. Behind his eyelids fantasy-Riku was giving him an inviting smile. "Let me help you rub that in," Axel imagined him saying. "We humble island folk just love to help…"

"Do you now…" he answered out loud in a half-whisper and began to lather himself, imagining it was Riku's hands running along his body and not his own. He stroked his nipples, feeling his heart beat a little faster, and then let his hands wander down his sides and hips, angling inward to run along the insides of his thighs, the sensation making him take a sharp breath through his nose. "Mmm, you like that, don't you?" fantasy-Riku teased, leaning so close Axel could feel his imaginary breath hot and wet on his ear.

"Oh, yeah…" Axel murmured and stroked the insides of his thighs again. His erection was like a hot, throbbing ache between his legs and a moan escaped him as he let his hand wander up to grab hold of it. He slowly began to move his hand up and down along the shaft, falling back against the wall when pleasant feelings started radiating from somewhere deep inside his lower belly. His breathing started coming out in ragged, uneven gasps, as he picked up the speed of his strokes. He imagined what it would be like to kiss Riku. Those full, pink lips that looked so soft pressed against his and his mouth hot, hungry and eager, tasting of something sweet… Axel moaned again, louder. God, he wanted Riku!

He stroked himself harder, starting at the base and giving the head a hard squeeze on the way up and pulling back the foreskin and giving another press on the way down. If Riku was here now, he would press him up against the wall and fuck him mercilessly from behind until he screamed. He would grab his no doubt perfectly round and smooth ass checks so hard they would bruise and then spread them apart and press deep inside him. He could almost hear Riku whimpering from that sweet mixture of pleasure and pain… Or was that him? He was so close to coming, now…

"Fuck me harder," fantasy-Riku begged and Axel complied by stroking himself as hard and fast as he could. It was so good and getting closer and closer… An indescribable feeling like a wave rising within him and then it broke and his orgasm hit him hard, making him moan and almost scream, some of his seed splattering at the opposite wall of the shower cabin and the rest running hot and sticky over his hand.

"That was good…" he whispered, slowly sliding down the wall into sitting position and waiting for the ecstatic feelings to fade away. He decided that Riku was from now on going to play lead role in all his sexual fantasies. He had earned it. He was so absolutely sinfully gorgeous, yet there was still something about him that felt innocent and pure. The inexperience from growing up in such a sheltered environment as Destiny Islands, he supposed. Whatever it was, it made Axel want to do very dirty things to him.

Remembering that he was actually supposed to be meeting Riku for real, Axel got to his feet and finished his shower, washing away all traces of sperm from the walls and himself. He washed his hair and lathered his entire body with shower gel an extra time, since he hadn't been so careful about it the first time around. He was in a good mood, no doubt induced from orgasms and hot neighbours, so he even sang a few cheesy love songs at the top o his lungs before stepping out of the shower cabin to towel himself off.

X

Axel rapped at Riku's door to announce his presence before opening it. "Hey," Riku greeted him, sticking his head out from the small kitchen. He was smiling brightly and Axel returned it without even thinking about it. "Hey," he answered. "What's cooking?"

"Well, I've prepared a not so exclusive menu of sour milk with cereal and toast," Riku said, looking at Axel with an apologetic smile. "It's not much, but it's all I have home."

"Don't apologize," Axel said frowning. "You don't really have to do any of this, remember?"

"If I'm going to invite someone to breakfast I don't want it to be completely crappy, that's all," Riku said unfazed. "Do you want coffee?"

"Oh God, yes!" Axel nodded vigorously. "Make it strong!"

"Okay!" Riku laughed and stepped back into the kitchen. Axel followed him and watched as he picked out filters and coffee jar from a cupboard. His hair was slightly wet from showering and he had changed into a simple white T-shirt and the same baggy pants as he wore yesterday. He really didn't have to make an effort to look sexy, did he?

"Usually I don't even eat breakfast," Axel said conversationally. "Unless there are some pizza leftovers from the night before."

Riku turned around and it was his turn to frown at Axel. "Really? That doesn't seem healthy at all."

Axel rolled his eyes and chuckled. "I'm not exactly known for my healthy lifestyle. What I meant was that you don't have to worry about making about making me crappy breakfast, because it can't possibly be worse than what I'm used to. And even if it is crappy I still think it's cool that you want to make me breakfast." He smiled and winked at Riku, who smiled back shyly.

"It's cool?"

"Yeah."

A faint blush spread over Riku's cheeks and he quickly turned around to finish loading the coffee maker. When he turned back again he looked perfectly composed, his colour just a tad higher than normal and features smooth. "Let's eat then." He gestured to Axel to sit down by the small kitchen table where he had put various food items.

Axel sat down and poured himself a bowl of sour milk and topped it with cereal, while Riku loaded the toaster with bread.

They ate in relative silence, which suited Axel fine. He liked to concentrate on the food when he was eating and apparently Riku was like him in that aspect. Axel decided that when he had his own apartment up and running he would invite Riku to breakfast, or maybe dinner. Yeah, dinner would be nice. He decided to tell Riku right away.

"Hey, Riku. When I'm finished moving in I'm going to invite you over for dinner. For being such a good neighbour."

Riku looked up from his food and smiled. "Oh, okay. So you cook?"

Axel knew he had been forgetting something, namely that his cooking skills weren't good for much more than boiling pasta. He mentally hit himself in the head but didn't let his distress show in his voice when he answered. "I'll think of something."

"It sounds nice!" Riku got up from the table and poured two cups of coffee. "Do you take any milk or sugar?" he asked over his shoulder.

"No…" Axel was still pondering the dinner dilemma he had just brought upon himself when Riku placed his coffee mug in front of him.

"Axel? Can I ask you something?" Riku's hesitant voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

"Sure…" he answered slowly. Had he catched a glimpse of his arms yesterday after all? His gaze flickered to the armsocks that was currently covering up his scars. They were still in place.

"Don't be mad… I was just wondering, uhm… Well, uh, are you gay?"

So that was what he was wondering? He had thought that would be pretty obvious by now. Axel let out a sigh of relief and couldn't help a small chuckle from escaping his lips. Riku was blushing madly and looked like he was afraid Axel would jump up and punch him or something.

"Yes I am, Riku. What tipped you off?" he asked amused.

"Well… Yesterday you were wearing some kind of makeup, weren't you? And you're kind of flirty…" Riku was blushing even harder, if such a thing was possible. Axel just rolled his eyes.

"Wearing makeup doesn't mean someone's gay."

"It doesn't?"

"No, it's just a look," Axel tried to explain without bursting out laughing. "You know, punk, rock'n'roll?"

Riku groaned and tried to hide his face under his bangs. "I feel so stupid now…"

"Don't worry about it," Axel said calmly, taking a sip of his coffee. "You were right after all. Why did you want to know?"

Riku looked at him through his bangs and swallowed. "Be- because I think… I might be like that too."

Axel quirked an eyebrow. "What? Gay?"

Riku looked down into his coffee mug. "You act like it's not a big deal at all…"

"I don't think it's a big deal," Axel agreed with a shrug.

"It is to me!" Riku suddenly looked up with a flash of anger in his eyes. "I don't know what people will say; my parents, my friends! I hate these god-damned islands, everyone's so narrow-minded…" He looked down again and Axel frowned.

"Maybe you shouldn't care so much about what other people are thinking?" he suggested. "You can never know for sure that they'll actually think what you think they'll think anyway." Axel had never cared about what people thought about him in his life. He had come to realize it was a double-edged sword, though. On one hand he didn't have any problems being himself and following his heart, but on the other hand it made him selfish and inconsiderate. It was one of those things he wanted to change about himself, but maybe Riku actually needed to be a little more selfish.

"I guess…" He looked up with a small smile on his lips. "It's good to finally tell someone."

"I can understand that." Axel tilted his head and studied Riku as he suddenly realized something. "If you never told anyone before does that mean that you've never been with a guy?"

Riku just nodded and Axel shook his head. "That's sad, man…"

He didn't have time to elaborate as the doorbell suddenly rang. Riku looked up confused as if he had no idea who it could be, and went to answer it.

"Hi Riku!" Axel heard a cheerful voice exclaim when the door clicked open. "So you're up; I was worried that you were still asleep, hehe…"

"Sora…" Riku's answer didn't sound very pleased. Axel curiously rose from his seat, eager to get a look at the visitor. "What are you doing here this early?"

"Well, Kairi is going shopping with her mom today, so I thought maybe we could hang out? It's been a while."

"Yes, it has." Axel could see Riku crossing his arms as he peered out of the kitchen and into the hall. In the doorway was standing a short, brown-haired boy. He had a slim, tanned body and was kind of cute, Axel lazily reflected. Not really his type, though.

"You should have called," Riku told the boy coldly. "I'm busy today, I promised to help Axel move." He turned around and gave Axel a pointed glare that ordered him to play along. The brunet followed Riku's gaze and noticed Axel standing in the kitchen doorway for the first time. His mouth fell open in surprise.

"Oh, I'm sorry… I didn't know you had company," he told Riku.

"Of course you didn't since you didn't bother to check it up," Riku snapped. Axel had no idea why he seemed to be so angry with this boy, but figured he had his reasons.

Sora looked down. "I'm sorry. I guess we'll hang out some other time instead?" He looked up at Riku again, giving him a bright but insecure smile.

"Yeah, see you later, Sora," Riku answered impatiently and closed the door.

Axel eyed him curiously. "So you're helping me move?" he asked after a while. "What a pleasant surprise."

Riku chuckled and shot Axel an embarrassed smile, though he seemed very tired all of a sudden. "Yeah… I might as well do it now that I said I would."

"So who was that guy and what did he do to deserve the cold shoulder?"

Riku sighed and threw himself on his bed, hiding his face in the pillow. "That was Sora, he's supposed to be my best friend." Riku's voice came out so muffled Axel could barely make out what he was saying, so he followed Riku and sat down at the edge of his bed with his coffee mug, waiting for him to continue.

"I shouldn't be so mad at him, but I can't help it! He just spends all his time with his girlfriend and doesn't give a crap about me and then he has the nerve to come here and expect me to entertain him while she's away shopping! He can go fuck himself!"

Axel chuckled. "And here I was starting to think you were almost unnaturally nice…"

Riku rolled over and looked at him, his eyes a little foggy.

"I've been trying too hard, haven't I? To be friendly, I mean."

Axel looked at him. He thought he was beginning to figure Riku out. You'd think a guy as beautiful as him wouldn't have a care in the world, but in reality he was deep in the closet and losing his best friend. Maybe he was even in love with him? It was kind of sad, and Axel felt bad for him. He must be feeling terribly confused and lonely.

"Don't worry, Riku. I really don't mind it when gorgeous guys are being overly friendly," he joked and was rewarded with a smile.

"Yeah, I wouldn't mind some of that either…"

Axel pretended to look hurt. "I think I've been pretty friendly, inviting you to dinner and everything. Are you saying I'm not gorgeous? Or am I gorgeous but not very friendly?" He wiggled his eyebrows. "I prefer the second option…"

Riku laughed and blushed. "I think you look good… And you're nice."

Axel rolled his eyes. "That's lame, Riku. But thanks anyway."

"That's what you get for fishing for compliments," Riku said and stuck his tongue out.

"Smartass."

"Homo."

"Since you're a homo too, I won't even consider that an insult," Axel said with a crooked smile. He was really starting to warm up to this boy. "Anyway, I need to get over to my place now. I crave cigarettes and the movers should show up soon… Thanks for breakfast."

Riku smiled and then bit his lip. "Would you mind if I tagged along? I sort of don't want to be alone right now; I promise I'll help you out like I said."

"You island folk just love to help, don't you?" Axel said and smirked at Riku's puzzled expression. "You can come, I don't mind at all."


	3. Moving closer

**Moving closer**

X

The movers had shown up around 10.30 and quickly hauled Axel's furniture and boxes from the truck out on the street into his empty flat. He and Riku had helped getting the sofa up the stairs but hadn't had to do much else but point to where his stuff should be put down.

Riku had been greatly impressed and told Axel that when he moved in he and his parents and friends had carried all his stuff themselves. Axel hadn't exactly had that option, considering he didn't know a soul on Destiny Islands that could help him. Still, he was pretty impressed by the movers' efficiency as well and had to admit that they were well worth the money he had spent hiring them.

Now they were occupied by the task of unpacking the seemingly endless number of boxes containing Axel's things. He had no idea he had so much stuff! He had made his bed, plugged in his TV, stereo and computer and filled an entire closet with his clothes. Riku had stuffed his towels and bedsheets into another closet and still there were boxes everywhere. Axel figured he would deal with his kitchen supplies next, but right now he needed a break. He leaned back against a closet and watched with great amusement as Riku was sorting through his boxes of CDs, slowly filling up the shelves of his CD rack.

"You know it's completely pointless to order my CDs alphabetically, right? I'll only mess it up." Riku only looked up briefly, smiling sheepishly.

"It doesn't feel right if I don't do it properly," he explained and got back to his no doubt tedious work.

"You got OCD or something?" Axel joked. "Just shove them in there!" In truth, he actually thought it was kind of cute that Riku wasn't just doing that. People usually weren't very eager to make any kind of effort for him. Seeing Riku carefully handling his stuff was …nice, as cheesy as that may seem.

"Do you want my help or not?" Riku huffed. He was even cuter when he had that annoyed look on his face. Not so much cute, maybe. More like hot…

"Have you already forgotten it was you who begged me to let you help?" Axel snorted. He just couldn't help teasing him a little.

Riku rolled his eyes, but didn't look up. "Right. I guess you got me there…"

"I sure did." Axel smirked and leaned back into a cocky stance, planting a hand on his hip. "You're easy on the eyes though, so I don't mind having you around."

"Is that so." Riku glanced at him, a faint blush tinting his cheeks. "Aren't you supposed to do something other than checking me out?"

"Yeah…" Axel sighed and scratched his head. "But I'm bored already. I think I'll go out and have a smoke. Want to keep me company?" He watched hopefully as the younger boy lifted another stack of CDs out of a box and studied their covers.

"No, I don't like smoke. Besides, I'm busy…" he looked up at Axel and smiled as he admitted: "I didn't realize you had such a huge record collection when I started sorting!"

Axel shrugged. "Like I said, you don't have to do it."

Riku just waved his hand dismissively. "Can't quit now, I'm already halfway through… What is this music, anyway? I barely recognize any of these bands."

"You don't?" Axel eyed Riku in surprise. His taste in music wasn't that obscure, he liked rock plain and simple. A lot of his albums were by well-known bands Axel thought anyone would have heard at some point in their life. "It's mostly various kinds of rock… I like metal. What do you listen to?"

"I don't know, whatever is playing on the radio?" Riku shrugged and gave Axel an apologetic smile. "I'm not that into music, I guess."

"What are you talking about? Everyone likes music!"

"I like it, it's just not that important to me."

They stared at each other and Axel shook his head. "I'm going to lend you a bunch of albums you just have to listen to." He snorted. "No boyfriends and no music; you're missing the best parts of life, kid."

"I am?" Riku's voice was soft and when Axel locked gazes with him again, he just couldn't look away. Those eyes were truly mesmerising, with their unworldly coloured irises that were neither blue nor green, but some luminous colour in between, shining through their frames of pale lashes. He knew he was staring, but he couldn't help himself.

Riku stared back as if hypnotized and his lips parted slightly as he breathed in deeply through his mouth. Then his gaze began to flicker uncertainly and he tried to hide beneath his bangs. Not very successfully though, as the blush spreading over his cheeks was clearly visible.

"Right…" Axel cleared his throat, forcing his eyes away from Riku's and started feeling his pockets for his pack of cigarettes. "I'll be back in a minute." He fled out on the balcony, lighting a cigarette with shaking hands. Damn, there had definitely been something going on in that moment! That look on Riku's face could only be recognized as lust; may the gods strike him down if it wasn't! He wondered if he too had been wearing the same expression when Riku looked away. Probably.

He drew a shuddering breath of smoke, trying to calm down. This was all very good, he couldn't understand why he suddenly felt so nervous. He seduced guys all the time. Granted, he usually wasn't sober when he did, maybe that was it. Yes, it had to be.

Still, looking at some guy's fucking _eyes_ never threw him off balance like this! He would have to watch himself around Riku, because he didn't think his poor heart could handle it if he grew too soft on him. He had enough shit to deal with without love showing its ugly face.

Nodding determinedly to himself, Axel finished the rest of his cigarette and got back into the apartment. He was feeling much calmer and Riku's blush had died down as he was once again concentrating on stuffing CDs into the rack, one by one.

"I'll help you finish that," Axel said and sat down next to Riku, giving him a small smile. "Then I think it's time to get something to eat. I'll buy you dinner if you show me a good place."

"Alright, sounds like a good deal..." Riku smiled back and gave out a low chuckle. "At least for me."

"I'm happy as long as I get to ogle you while you're sticking things in your mouth," Axel teased and wiggled his eyebrows, earning a laugh and a loose punch in the arm from Riku.

"Don't be gross!"

With their combined effort it took them perhaps an hour to sort through the rest of the records. Axel took the opportunity to educate Riku about music, telling him about his favourite bands and various concerts he had been to. He also played some famous songs on the stereo and Riku didn't seem completely hopeless, because even if he thought most of the songs were just noise, he admitted he liked at least some of them.

Axel almost regretted it when the last CD was in place, meaning that it was time to get up and move. It had been nice to sit close and talk to someone who was actually willing to listen to him babbling on about music, and there had been a lot of "accidental" touching going on… Their knees and thighs brushing against each other as they leaned towards the CD rack, their hands touching when they reached for the same record. The best part was that Riku hadn't shied away from the contact, suggesting that maybe he wanted more of it…

"So, is it time for our dinner date now?" Axel joked lamely, nudging the other boy with his shoulder.

"Are you always flirting with people like this?" Riku asked blushing.

Axel smiled. "Only when they're really cute," he lied effortlessly and winked at the younger boy. Hell, he flirted with his own grandmother but Riku didn't need to know that.

"Oh." Riku blushed harder and looked down at his hands folded in his lap. After a short while he looked up again, uncertainly meeting Axel's eyes. "Do you really think that?"

"Yeah…" Axel nodded, smiling softly, and reached out to stroke Riku's hair. It felt silky and cool under his fingers.

He couldn't really explain what happened next. One moment they were looking deep into each others eyes and then suddenly they were kissing. At first it was just a light touching of lips and Axel's nose pressing into Riku's soft cheek. Then he started moving his mouth over Riku's, kissing his lips carefully; slowly sliding his tongue over them. They _did_ taste sweet, just like he had imagioned.

Riku's eyes fluttered closed and he gave out a shuddering breath that tickled Axel's lower lip and made his heart jolt, as he then slowly started to return the kiss. _Score!_

Axel wanted to tangle his hand in Riku's hair but was afraid that any movement would ruin the moment, so he kept it where it was, just gently touching it, and enjoyed the feeling of soft lips on his own. Riku was very shy at first, but soon the kisses got harder and wetter; their tongues touching briefly before Riku pulled away out of breath and swallowing hard. Axel gave him a small, crooked smile when he opened his eyes, and Riku returned it shyly. His cheeks where flushed and his lips a dark pink from the kissing, and Axel doubted it was possible that anyone could look more beautiful than Riku did right now.

"I… Wow, uhm… I never kissed a guy before," Riku stammered, looking down on his hands and blushing harder. The confession made Axel's smile broaden into a grin. Something about how he was sitting there blushing and trying to cover it up with his hair and being so totally innocent was incredibly sexy, and lit a fire somewhere deep in Axel's gut.

He leaned close again, touching Riku's knee lightly. "Yeah, you already told me that… Did you like it?" he asked just a hint of teasing in his voice.

"Yes, I think so… I mean, yes… I did." He dared a quick glance into Axel's eyes and then looked down again, fidgeting with the hem of his pants. "Did you?"

"Very much…" Axel chuckled and leaned closer again. "You're so fucking hot Riku, I swear I…" He stopped himself before saying something too crude and lowered his voice to a whisper instead. "I have never seen anyone as beautiful as you and everything about you just turns me on."

There was a brief silence, then Riku answered, also whispering and with an adorably shy look on his face: "I… I guess you turn me on too…"

Upon hearing those words Axel couldn't contain himself any longer. He pushed Riku back into the boxes and this time he did tangle his hand in that silky, silver hair when their lips crashed together much more violently than the first time. Riku gave out a shocked moan into his mouth as Axel half-laid himself on top of him, pushing his knee in between his legs, but he didn't resist. He was answering Axel's kisses and probing tongue hungrily and soon Axel felt him putting his arms around him, pulling him closer and stroking his sides and lower back. He tightened his grip on Riku's hair and slipped his tongue into his mouth, licking it on the inside before pulling out again. Riku gasped for breath and Axel could feel him growing hard against his knee. He moved it a little, gently rubbing against Riku's crotch and was rewarded with louder moaning and gasping and could feel Riku's hands fisting the fabric of his T-shirt. God, he hoped he would let him fuck him!

"I want you…" he murmured into Riku's mouth before kissing him violently again, not giving him a chance to answer. He snuck his free hand in under the younger boy's tank top and smiled when he could feel him shiver under him, then moved from kissing his mouth to kissing his way along his jaw up to the perfect shell of his ear.

"Axel…" Hearing his name spoken in that hoarse, breathless voice was pure bliss. Axel licked the outside of Riku's ear and moaned as Riku whimpered and pressed his groin hard against his knee. He smiled and did it again, making Riku arch up against him and groan loudly.

"You like that, don't you?"

"Yes! Aaah!"

"You wanna go over to the bed?" Axel tried to sound seductive and pressed a kiss to a spot right behind Riku's ear.

"Ok," came the whimpered reply and Axel smiled and pushed himself off Riku, taking a moment to admire the sight of him laying back against the boxes. His eyes were glazed and his lovely, pink blush had spread all the way down his neck and shoulders. He was breathing hard and it seemed Axel had managed to mess up his hair pretty good. It only made him even prettier though, as he smiled shyly through tangled wisps of silver.

"Come on." Axel got to his feet and extended his hand to help him get up. Riku took it and didn't let go of it as they walked the few steps over to the bed.

This time it was Riku who initiated the kissing and pushed Axel down on his back, which Axel really didn't mind. He had always thought there was something about being pushed down into the mattress by someone that was heavier than yourself that was really sexy. He moaned approvingly as Riku kissed him hard and let his hand slide down to rest on Riku's ass.

Damn, how did this happen? Axel couldn't believe his luck. What was it, less than 24 hours on this island and he was already getting it on with who had to be the hottest guy around! He squeezed Riku's butt a little and smiled as Riku made a noise and then started kissing him even more fervently. He had such a nice ass. Just like the rest of his body it was slender but without being bony as it was clad in just the right amount of muscle. Axel started stroking it slowly but firmly, making Riku give out more of those little noises into their kiss. He loved how Riku seemed unable to control the sounds he was making. There was nothing sexier than a loud lover and Axel decided he was going to make him scream before they were done. He let his hand slide over the curve of Riku's behind again, this time dipping a finger into his butt crack.

"Oh..!" Riku gasped out loud breaking their kiss then moaned as Axel did it again. "That feels…" His mouth was suddenly very close to Axel's ear, and Axel felt something warm coil around his spine as hot breath washed over his ear and the sensitive skin on his neck.

"Good?" he filled in, almost moaning out the word.

"Yeah…" Riku's lips closed around Axel's earlobe and sucked it gently. "Do you like this?" he wondered, his voice low and sensual.

"You have no idea how much I like it!" Axel gasped and grabbed Riku's ass hard to emphasize his words. Riku laughed at that; a single soft chuckle, and then returned his attention to Axel's ear, licking and kissing it experimentally.

"I liked it when you did this to me…"

Axel was having trouble controlling himself. His breath was coming out in short ragged huffs as heat was building up in his groin. His ears and neck had always been a soft spot. He tried to wiggle his right hand in under the hem of Riku's pants while pressing him down so their crotches were grinding together. His left hand had found his way up under Riku's tank top, desperately wanting to feel the naked skin of his back. Words could not describe how badly he wanted him. They needed to get rid of some clothes, and soon!

Riku had moved away from his ear and was now finding his way down along Axel's neck, covering it in searing hot kisses. "Oh my god…" the redhead moaned. It was just too much! He was getting so hard it almost hurt as his pants were way too tight to be getting a hard-on in.

Growling like some kind of animal Axel tried to wrest the tank top over Riku's head but ended up only getting it halfway off with Riku's arms tangled up inside it. Grinning wickedly he pushed the younger boy off him so he fell on his back. Axel, still gripping the tank top, forced Riku's arms up over his head and straddled him. He enjoyed the sight of Riku's bare chest with it's chiselled muscles, fine silvery hairs and hard, pink nipples for a moment before he bent down to trap Riku's lips in another kiss.

He was looking a little startled, his eyes wide and his chest heaving rapidly, but he was still returning the kiss passionately.

"You're in the deep end of the basin now, Riku," Axel whispered into his ear. "Do you want to get out?"

"No, I don't think so…" Riku hesitated. "Wha- what will happen?"

Axel chuckled. "I love how you're so innocent…" When Riku looked miffed at that comment, Axel kissed him again then continued: "First I'm going to undress you and make you harder than you've ever been in your life…" He kissed Riku's neck, making him groan softly.

"That doesn't sound too bad," he answered breathlessly.

"Good." Axel smirked and kissed his neck again, this time hard enough to leave a mark. "Then comes the fun part… I can just jerk you off, or give you a blowjob… Or I could fuck you or let you fuck me. You can tell me anything you want to do, I'm up for everything."

"Fuck? You mean like..?" Riku's eyes were glazed over with lust but he was looking worried.

"Yeah." Axel nodded and let go of Riku's arms. "I know what you're thinking, but it doesn't hurt if you do it right. It can be pretty damn good…" He stroked the younger boy's cheek gently and smiled at him. "We can do it from behind or facing each other or even from the side, sitting, standing up or lying down, anything you want."

Riku untangled his arms from the tank top and put them around Axel's waist, looking up at him with serious eyes. "Have you done all this before?"

"Yes," Axel answered simply, not wanting to give away more of his sexual history than he had to.

"I'll just have to trust you, then," Riku said slowly with a slight smile and begun removing Axel's T-shirt. Axel gladly helped him with that and let Riku pull him down for another kiss when it was off. He was going to make Riku want this just as badly as he did, which shouldn't be too hard considering he was eighteen and still a virgin… He must be pretty desperate by now. Axel was desperate and it had only been a couple of months!

As they kissed Axel parted Riku's legs with his knee once again and pressed their bodies together. The skin-on-skin contact as their chests rubbed together felt wonderful, and so did Riku's tongue in his mouth and his hands roaming over his back and running through his hair. Axel could barely remember the last time being with someone had felt this good or when he had been turned on to the point where thinking became difficult. His mind was filled with Riku's scent, Riku's taste, the sound of his whimpered moans and heavy breathing, and he just wanted to eliminate any space between them and totally meld with his lover.

He snaked his arms around Riku's waist and flipped over so they both were lying on their sides facing each other. Breaking free of Riku's kiss, he started trailing kisses down his neck instead, sucking and biting at the tender skin until Riku was whimpering his name and grinding his crotch against Axel's thigh.

Smiling Axel let his hand slide along the hem of Riku's pants until he found the fly at the front. He undid the button and pulled down the zipper with some difficulty as Riku was now kissing _his_ neck ferociously and making it very hard to concentrate. When Axel started tugging his pants down, he suddenly felt Riku's hands fumbling with his own zipper and brushing against his erection and couldn't help a loud moan slipping through his lips.

"What do you want to do next?" he breathed in Riku's ear.

"I think… a blowjob sounded nice…" the younger boy whispered back, hiding his face in Axel's shoulder.

"Really… How badly do you want it?" Axel teased and nipped his ear, smiling to himself at the shy request.

"V-very badly… Please, Axel…" Riku rolled his hips against Axel's, sending surges of pleasure up through his spine. He really just wanted to throw Riku on his back and fuck him silly, but the idea of making him come in his mouth was also very pleasant.

"Okay then," he told Riku smirking, "enjoy the ride…" He slowly kissed his way down his body, stopping to tease perky nipples with his tongue and teeth, which Riku obviously liked, judging from the way he was squirming and moaning and thrusting his hips against Axel's. Proceeding further downward, he slid his tongue along Riku's abs and let it dip down into his navel, before he pushed him over on his back and pulled off his pants still hanging halfway down on his hips. He was wearing plain, white boxers underneath, and somehow managed making them seem like the sexiest underwear there ever was. It was tempting to pull them off right away, but he decided to tease Riku a little more. He stroked Riku's erection through the thin fabric covering it, and kissed his lower stomach along the hem of his boxers, breathing in the faint, musky smell of his crotch.

Riku was trying to lie still, but his heavy breathing and slightly trembling limbs gave away his excitement. Axel moved his mouth over the bulge in his boxers and kissed the fabric softly, then bit loosely at the contour of his cock.

"Oh God!" Riku moaned and jerked his hips so that his crotch pressed into Axel's face. "P-please, Axel! I can't take it!"

"Mmm, I like it when you're begging…" Axel purred and slid Riku's boxers down, letting his cock out of its confinement. It was a good size; not too big and not too small. It was slightly crooked though, like an upside-down banana, and Axel smiled as he realized he had probably found the only flaw on Riku's body. He would have to tease him for that later, but now he had other things on his mind.

Riku sat up on his elbows, curiously watching with glazed eyes as Axel climbed in between his legs. Axel looked back at him with a grin and slid his hands down the insides of Riku's lean thighs. Cupping his balls in one hand, he finally bent down to lick his shaft all the way from the base to the top, never losing his eye contact with Riku as he did so.

"Axel…" Riku panted lustily. He looked like he was about to faint, and Axel couldn't blame him. A blowjob well done was one of the best things known to man, and Axel had been told on numerous occasions that he indeed performed them very well.

He used his other hand to pull back the foreskin and take the head in his mouth, swirling his tongue around it playfully. Riku gave out a wordless sound and Axel saw his knuckles whiten as he gripped the sheets. He slid his mouth and tongue further down Riku's length and gave it a good suck as he let it slide out again. Riku moaned and shivered and Axel felt his cock twitch in his mouth. He probably wouldn't have to do something incredibly fancy to make him come…

He continued sucking at a slow pace, taking more of Riku in his mouth and applying more pressure for each dip of his head. Riku had thrown his head back and was giving out pleased whimpering noises. His whole body was tense and covered in a thin, glistening layer of sweat and Axel thought he had never seen a more pleasing image in his life. How could anyone be so unworldly sexy?

He picked up his speed, still taking almost Riku's full length into his mouth, and massaged his balls. Riku's back arched up and he screamed incoherently. His cock was twitching and pulsating violently and it wasn't long until he released into Axel's mouth with a final, wailing moan. Axel saw it coming and swallowed it all. He continued holding Riku in his mouth while the younger boy rode out the final spasms of his orgasm.

"Oh, my god…" Riku sat up on his elbows again, blushing and watching Axel with an elated grin on his face. "I don't know what to say…"

Axel let Riku's cock slide out of his mouth and climbed on top of him, grinning back. "You don't have to tell me how much you liked it; I could tell. You're very loud…"

"Sorry… It was just so overwhelming!"

Axel chuckled. "Don't apologize; being loud is hot!" He bent down to kiss Riku again, wrapping his arms around him. Watching him writhing in pleasure like that had made him even hornier, if such a thing was possible. He was far from finished with this yet.

Riku seemed to sense that, because he broke the kiss and looked Axel in the eyes questioningly. "What now? I mean… you're not, uhm, finished…"

"Well…" Axel smiled at him. "Since it's your first time, you should decide what happens, but -" He bent down so he could whisper in Riku's ear. "If you'll let me, I really just want to fuck you."

Riku chuckled nervously, but nodded in agreement. "Alright. What do I do?"

"That's the beauty of it!" Axel grinned happily and stroked Riku's hair. "You don't have to do much of anything, just lay back and try to relax."

"Okay. Wait, where are you going?"

Axel had climbed off Riku and the bed to fetch the lube from his suitcase. He turned around and smiled. "We need a little help with our sins against nature!" Riku looked puzzled, but Axel ignored it. He rummaged to his suitcase and triumphantly held the small tube he was looking for up when he found it.

"What's that?"

"It's a lubricant." He went back to the bed and sat down beside Riku. Damn, did he look nice all pale and blushing against the red sheets! Axel wouldn't mind if naked Riku became a permanent accessory to his bed. "Pretty handy when you want to slide something large into a tight opening," he continued, wiggling his eyebrows. Maybe that was a little crude, he thought a moment later as he saw Riku's eyes widen. "Don't worry, it wont hurt. This is good stuff!" he hastily added and squirted out a small amount of lube into his palm. "Feel that!"

Riku examined the salve by dipping his index finger into it and rubbing it against his thumb. "It's slick," he commented.

"That's right. Now lay back." Axel followed his own advice after slipping out of his pants and boxers and lay down beside Riku, who peeked at him curiously. Axel grinned. "Like what you see?" He said it confidently, but in reality he was feeling more than a little self-conscious. Riku had such a great body, but Axel was just skin and bones. Appearing insecure was never sexy, though. Except when Riku did it, of course…

"Yeah…" Riku smiled and reached down to carefully touch Axel's erection. "It's so hard…" He started stroking and fondling it, making Axel's breath hitch and his stomach flip. Okay, at least he seemed to like that part!

"Riku…" he moaned, wanting more, but instead Riku moved his hand up to rest on the armsock covering Axel's right wrist.

"Aren't you going to take these off too?" he asked.

Axel snapped his eyes open. "No! No, uh… leave them on, I have a nasty rash," he lied. Not a very sexy lie, but better than the truth, he figured. He couldn't tell if Riku bought it, but at least he let them be and didn't say anything.

Axel started kissing him while squeezing some more lube into his palm, warming it in his hands before coating the fingers on his right hand in it. "Spread your legs a little," he whispered and kissed Riku's neck gently. Riku did as he was told and wrapped his arms around Axel. He was shivering, probably from nerves.

"Just relax, I know how to make it feel good," Axel tried to soothe him. He kissed him some more and slid his hand in between his legs until his fingers brushed against that wrinkled opening. At first he just stroked it and continued kissing Riku until he could feel him relaxing some, giving out a low moan of pleasure. Axel took that as a sign to let his touches become bolder, his fingers carefully prodding beyond that ring of muscle.

Riku clung to him tighter, already breathing hard.

"It doesn't hurt, does it? You must tell me if you want to stop," Axel said, not wanting to be too much of an insensitive bastard.

"Don't worry…" Riku answered hoarsely, smiling slightly. "I'll kick your scrawny ass if you hurt me!"

Axel barked a laugh. "That's the spirit! I wish I had the guts to say that when I was twelve…"

Riku frowned. "You lost your virginity when you were twelve? That's awfully young."

Axel grimaced, annoyed with himself. Why the hell had he let that slip? "Let's not talk about that now… It's not exactly a turn-on." It really wasn't. The last thing he wanted was memories of that incident on his mind! It was a sure thing to ruin his mood and had actually done so on a couple of occasions. "I'd rather think about you and how sweet it will be when I'm finally inside you..." _And you're squirming and screaming my name beneath me._ He didn't say that last part out loud, but the mental image was very pleasing.

"And here I was hoping for a little less thinking and a little more action," Riku teased, his eyes twinkling.

"Oh, really?" Axel's grin nearly cleaved his face in two. "Just remember you asked for it!" He attacked Riku's neck again, covering it in hard, sucking kisses then pushed his index finger into Riku's hole. It slid in fairly easy, making Riku gasp and latch onto him with both arms.

Axel wiggled his finger teasingly then slowly let it slide out, extracting a pleased moan from Riku's lips. He continued pushing his finger in and out with increasing speed, letting Riku get used to the feeling. It seemed like he enjoyed it, his moans getting louder and his breathing heavier, and Axel was secretly thrilled. Not everyone liked being fucked up the ass, but Axel loved doing it. Even when he added a second finger and started stretching him, Riku's whimpers sounded more pleased than anything else.

"Are you ready for the real thing?" he whispered into Riku's ear and the younger boy opened his eyes and nodded. Axel smiled and opened the tube of lube and was about to squirt some more of it into his hand, when Riku interrupted him.

"Can I do that?" he asked, holding out his hand.

"Sure." Axel smirked and squeezed a good amount of lube into Riku's palm instead. "Oil me up, baby!"

Riku chuckled and went to work, closing his hand around Axel's cock and sliding it up and down to distribute the lube evenly. "Like that?" he asked with another one of those shy smiles.

Axel nodded, loving when Riku touched him there. "Make sure you pull back the foreskin and lube the head properly," he ordered and shuddered with pleasure when Riku did just that.

"There. Do I just lie down on my back now?"

"Yeah…" Axel smiled and climbed on top of Riku so that he rested between the teen's parted legs. "I want to see your face when we do this." He bent down and distracted Riku with a kiss while he reached down between his legs with one hand, guiding his cock to Riku's slick entrance and slowly pushed inside him.

Riku gasped and whimpered beneath him, clinging on to Axel for dear life, while he slowly moved back and forth, pushing deeper each time. When he had buried his entire length in Riku he stilled and kissed him gently.

"How do you feel?"

"I don't know… just continue…" If Axel had been a mind reader he would have picked up a virtual maelstrom of thoughts and feelings spinning through Riku's head. The discomfort of having a large object shoved up your ass mixed with the thrill of doing something dirty and forbidden; being scared and filled with excitement and anticipation at the same time.

"Being inside you feels amazing…" Axel whispered to the confused teen. "You're so tight and hot…" He started moving, sliding out slowly making Riku breathe out in relief, then pushing back in and making him groan. It did feel amazing. Axel didn't think he would be able to hold out long when it was already feeling this good. The friction and pressure, the warm wetness of the lube, Riku's naked body pressed against his own…

He thrust harder, searching for the right angle, where Riku's somewhat agitated noises would turn to pleased moans, and could barely keep himself from coming when he found it.

"Aaaahh! A-Axel..!" Riku gasped and thrust his hips up to meet Axel's motion. His fingernails were digging into the skin on the redhead's back, and his other hand pulled violently at his hair. "More!"

Just knowing he was the cause of such feelings of mindless pleasure was almost enough to send Axel over the edge, but somehow he managed to calm down. He wanted to make Riku come all over again before he found his own release. Reaching down between Riku's legs, he started pumping his erection with long, hard strokes while fucking him at the fastest pace he could manage without coming. Axel had no idea how it was possible that this inexperienced, closeted virgin was giving him the best sex he had had in a very long time, but that's how it was. The world seemed to fade around him and all that was left were him and Riku and the rhythms made of them moving, breathing and moaning together.

When he felt Riku's cock starting to twitch in his hand, he let go of all restrictions on himself and pounded into him, hitting as hard and deep as he could, until Riku came with a scream of his name and shot his seed over Axel's hand and upper stomach. Axel was screaming his lover's name too, as stars danced behind his eyelids and pleasure coursed through him with white-hot intensity.

He fell down exhausted and rested his head on Riku's chest, still buried inside him. His whole body was shivering and tingling from the aftermath of his orgasm, and he didn't want to move at all. It was so nice lying like this, especially when Riku put his arms around him with a happy sigh.

"You know…" he said a bit out of breath and affectionately ran a hand through Axel's tangled locks of hair. "I'm speechless again…"

Axel smiled lazily. He was listening to the steady thumping of Riku's heart as it was slowly returning to a normal rate. "Me too… I think I could marry you!"

"Maybe that's moving a little too fast," Riku suggested, his low chuckles making Axel's head bounce on his chest. "You'll at least have to take me out on that dinner date first!"

"Why bother?" Axel teased. "You already let me into your pants…"

"Because you're hungry?"

Axel laughed. "Valid point. But I want to cuddle first. Then smoke, and then take a shower."

"Then dinner and marriage?"

"Whatever you want, Riku."

X

_**Authors notes:**__ Hunngh! I swear this chapter just didn't want to be written! Sorry it took so long to update, at least this chapter's pretty long and has some action… Also thanks everyone that showed interest in my story! It's great motivation knowing someone actually wants to read your scribblings… :-)_

_I think next chapter will be easier to squeeze out!_


	4. Dinner and marriage

**Dinner and marriage**

X

Riku looked down at Axel's wild mop of hair resting on his chest, idly toying with a bright red lock. It really was a beautiful color, bold and vibrant…

Axel was not so bold and vibrant anymore, he had fallen asleep almost instantaneously the moment they stopped talking. Riku wished he could sleep too, but he was too wound up. He had had a major adrenaline rush during the sex, but now it was wearing off and he was starting to come back down to earth. It wasn't all too pleasant.

He was beginning to feel just how sore his ass was. Sticky sperm coated the insides of his thighs and had trickled into his butt crack and down on the sheets, creating a cold pool where he was lying. His heart randomly started racing, and his stomach felt like a bag of warm eels, slithering and writhing around inside him. He felt nauseous and shaky, almost not able to believe what had just happened, and kept replaying the scenario over and over in his head.

Or what he remembered of it, anyway.

It had all been so sudden and so intense; his brain hadn't really had a chance at keeping up with everything. He had been scared, excited, happy, nervous and ashamed; all kinds of feelings all at once, and it had turned him on more than anything ever had before. Now he wasn't sure how he felt.

It wasn't that he regretted anything. It had been better than he could ever imagine, and he was glad he finally had some sexual experience, it was just… What would happen now? Were they boyfriends or something? Was that what all that joking about marriage meant? He didn't really know Axel at all, he wanted to and he liked him; but was that enough to actually be in a relationship with someone?

He wondered how long Axel would sleep, how it was that he even _could_ sleep after something like this. He was sure falling asleep after sex was one of those things that was considered rude, and was frequently complained upon in girl's magazines. Then again, if Axel had been having sex since he was twelve, maybe it wasn't all that special to him anymore… That was a depressing thought. What if it hadn't meant anything to him? Riku hadn't actually _done_ very much either; what if Axel just thought it had been horribly boring? It hadn't seemed like that, but who knew?

Another thought struck him, making his heart freeze up in his chest. If Axel had been with a lot of other guys… what about STDs? The thought of using protection hadn't even crossed Riku's mind for a millisecond and now it was too late. God! How could he be so stupid?

He had just trusted that Axel had the situation under control. Of course _he_ wouldn't have been worried about STDs, considering Riku was a virgin… But he couldn't have knowingly infected him with something, could he? That was just wrong!

Riku felt that his thoughts were spiralling out of control, and tugged Axel's hair to make him wake up. He needed to talk, before he started to believe in the crazy worst-case scenarios his mind was all too fond of making up.

"Oww!" Green eyes stared groggily at him, and then Axel's face lit up with a sheepish grin. "Sorry, didn't mean to fall asleep on you… I guess you gave me a real workout!" He winked and rolled off him, cuddling up by his side and kissing him lightly on the cheek, which immediately made Riku feel a little better. "Waking up with you is not so bad, you know..." Axel murmured, laying his head on Riku's shoulder. "Though I prefer it if you wake me with a kiss instead of yanking my hair."

Riku smiled, but still thought it was best to address his worries right away. "Axel…"he began. "Uhm, we… We didn't use protection."

"Oh!" Axel sat up on his elbow and looked down on Riku. "I didn't think much about that… You're a virgin and I'm clean. You didn't know that, though…" He smacked himself on the head, then frowned and touched Riku's hand with his own. "Sorry, I should have said something! Don't tell me you were worrying about that the whole time?"

"No," Riku smiled and felt a blush creeping onto his cheeks. "I didn't have much time for thinking, actually… I just thought of it now."

Axel smiled knowingly, and lay back down. "Good. I would have hated messing up your first time with something stupid like that! Though it would have been just like me…"

"It wasn't messed up at all," Riku wanted to assure him, but it came out as a shy whisper. He took Axel's hand and turned his head so he could look him in the eyes. Axel was looking back at him with a small half-smile quirking one corner of his mouth.

"No, it wasn't… We should do it again some time."

Riku nodded and squeezed Axel's hand, afraid that his voice would not hold if he tried to speak. His heart was going off on a wild rampage again and those eels were shifting restlessly. The way Axel looked at him was just… He couldn't describe it. The way his crooked smile softened his narrow, angular face and his deep, emerald green eyes were looking only at Riku, wanting him… It felt so good!

Axel's smile widened, as if he was sensing what Riku was thinking, and he squeezed Riku's hand back. "Maybe we should hurry out on that dinner so we can get back home for an encore?" he suggested half-jokingly.

"Alright…" Riku laughed nervously, not really knowing which part he said 'alright' to. "But I need to wash up, I'm kind of sticky."

"Me too." Axel sat up and climbed over Riku out of the bed, giving him a nice view of his body. Even though he was very thin, with long, delicate limbs, he looked more wiry than fragile. At first Riku had thought his extreme thinness combined with his height looked a little freaky, but now he liked it. Axel was different, and that was good.

"I'll just take a quick shower," he continued, tying up his hair in a pony tail. "Are you going over to your place?"

"Actually… Can I shower here? I don't want to put my clothes on like this." Riku sat up and rose from the bed, feeling a new gush of sperm running down his legs. He blushed. "I think I made a mess of the sheets."

Axel was watching him with a broad grin. "And I think I made a mess of _you_… It's only fair that I get to clean you up again, I guess."

"Don't sound so proud of it," Riku grumbled, feeling more than a little embarrassed about standing there all naked and sticky with a sore butt. He guessed Axel's comment meant that they were going to shower together; at least that sounded nice.

"But I _am_ proud of it!" Axel smirked and walked up to him, beginning to tie Riku's hair up too. "There! Now you won't need to wet it. Get in the shower now, and I'll follow…"

Axel's smile died and he got a weird look on his face. "Uhm, I'll… Shit!" He smacked his head and looked away, suddenly not looking very happy at all.

"What's wrong?" Riku asked worried.

"Nothing's wrong!" Axel snapped sharply, and Riku frowned, wondering where this sudden anger came from. Axel seemed to regret his outburst though, and continued in a more normal tone, "You can shower first; I'll get you a towel." He didn't meet Riku's eyes.

"I thought we were going to shower together?" Riku said, still confused and a little pissed off. He had done nothing to deserve this attitude!

"I don't feel like it."

Just as Riku was about to snap and ask Axel what the hell his problem was, something clicked in his head. He glanced at Axel's crossed arms and the black arm socks he wore covering the lower part of them. He had acted weird before when Riku asked him to take them off, and said something about a rash. He had also acted strange the night before when he had rushed from the balcony to put on a shirt. Maybe he didn't want to shower because then he would have to take them off?

"What's wrong with your arms?" he asked calmly.

Axel's head immediately snapped up, and he stared at Riku with his mouth half-open, like he was about to say something. He didn't, though.

"You're wearing those to cover something up, aren't you?" Riku continued, convinced now that he was on the right track. "And I don't think it's a rash."

Axel's face darkened, and he spoke in a dangerously low tone, "That's none of your fucking business, Riku. Why don't you take your smart little ass into the shower and get out of my face?"

Riku felt like he had been hit. This was just like when they first met yesterday, the same acid hostility. He had already forgiven that; Axel had been stressed out and didn't know him, but now after they… It hurt.

"Fuck you, Axel" Riku hissed and harshly shoved him out of the way, noting with bitter satisfaction how easy it was. Tears were stinging his eyes, and he hurried into the bathroom before Axel could see them. He would shower, then get dressed and go home, and then Axel could manage things all by himself, if that was what he wanted.

Letting out a frustrated sob, Riku stepped into the shower cabin and turned the water on. Maybe he shouldn't have pushed Axel about a topic he was obviously very uncomfortable with… But what could he do, when he was acting all weird and snapped at him for no reason? Riku wiped angrily at his eyes. He didn't want to cry about this like some god-damned baby, but it seriously freaked him out that someone could go from cuddles and kisses to spitting venom just like that. Axel could think again if he thought Riku would just put up with that kind of behaviour.

Closing his eyes, Riku tried to shut out all thoughts and just focus on cleaning up. He felt a sudden need to go to the gym to blow some steam, as always when he didn't know how to handle his emotions. Maybe Axel was just a little _too_ different.

He hadn't been in the shower long when a knock at the cabin door snapped him out of his thoughts, and he turned around just in time to see the door opening as Axel peeked in.

"Hey, Riku…" he said in a pleading tone, his features painted with shame. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I… I just freaked out."

It was hard to hear him over the rustling water, so Riku turned it off. "Because I asked about your arms?" He frowned at Axel. "You could have just said you didn't want to talk about it! It's not very nice to be told to get out of your face after… after we just slept together." The last sentence came out very quiet and he looked away.

"I know, I know, I'm an idiot!" Axel hung his head. "It's just… You kind of hit a sore spot, you know, with my arms… I wanted to shower with you; then I remembered I can't very well step in the shower with these on," he held out his arms and looked angrily at the fabric covering them. "I panicked, and then you started pressuring me, so I just snapped!"

"I don't get what could possibly be so bad about your arms. Do you have swastikas tattooed all over them, or what?"

Axel laughed softly, and shot Riku a small smile. "That _would_ be pretty bad… No."

"Well, whatever it is, I guess you're not going to tell me about it," Riku said. He hesitated. "It's okay, I'm not mad. I just want to finish cleaning up, so…" he reached out to turn the water on again, but Axel stopped him by grabbing his wrist.

"Actually… I want to tell you."

"Okay…" Riku let his hand fall and Axel let go of him and stepped into the shower cabin.

"Okay." Axel smiled nervously, then looked serious again. "It's just going to be the short version, because I really don't like talking about what happened, and you can't ask a lot of questions about it." He looked into Riku's eyes until he nodded that he had understood. "The reason I moved here is to get away from all the stuff that's bringing me down and try to get a fresh start… A new life." He sighed. "I'm just going to show you."

He started pulling off the arm socks, and Riku watched curiously. At first he saw nothing wrong at all, but then Axel turned his arms so the wrists were facing up, and made visible two huge scars running up the insides of his forearms, like he had been sawing at himself with a giant knife. Nauseated, Riku realized that was probably exactly what he had done.

"You… you tried to kill yourself?" he blurted out, before he could stop himself.

"Yeah." Axel was staring down at the scars, looking like he wasn't completely in the present. "One of my _friends_ found me, though. The bastard just had to do everything right for the first, damn time in his life. One minute later and I would have been dead."

Riku didn't know what to say. He thought his own life sucked big-time, but he had never seriously considered suicide. Axel sounded almost like he wished his friend hadn't been there to save his life, and Riku couldn't help wondering what it was that had made him feel so bad. He didn't dare to ask, though, remembering what Axel had said about questions. As it turned out, he didn't have to either.

"I got into sex, drugs and alcohol when I was way too young. My parents didn't care, because they are just as bad as me. I dropped out of school, I never got a job, I hanged out with the wrong people. Everything around me just turned to shit, so I didn't see much point in living on."

"I don't know what to say, Axel." Hearing all this was kind of overwhelming, especially as Riku had judged Axel to be a rather happy and carefree person. "I… When was it?"

"About two years ago. I'm off the drugs and I don't plan to make another try to end it anytime soon, so you don't have to worry about me." He gave Riku one of those crooked smiles, but his eyes were serious. "I think I'm done talking about this now."

"Okay." Riku smiled back a little sadly, and reached out to take Axel's hand. "I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me about this. I understand if it's hard to talk about..."

"Yeah…" Axel's smile widened and suddenly a mischievous look appeared on his face. "But I don't think it was about trust as much as about the fact that I _really_ want to be naked with you."

Riku laughed, relieved that Axel seemed to be back to his normal self. He really wasn't that much of a people person, and had no idea how to deal with other people telling him their problems. Not that it happened very often. "I'm going to turn the water on, now." As he turned around and did just that, Axel snaked his arms around him from behind and kissed his neck.

"Did you know I had a great fantasy about us in the shower earlier this morning?" he whispered into Riku's ear, touching it faintly with his lips.

"Oh, really..?" Riku leaned back into Axel's embrace, feeling weak in the knees. God, he loved it when he was doing things to his ears! "What did we do?"

Axel chuckled softly. "You were very eager to lather me with shower gel… touching me in all manner of naughty places!" Riku felt him bite his earlobe lightly and a pleased noise broke free of his lips. "Then we kissed…"

Riku turned in Axel's arms so they were facing each other. Some kissing did not sound too shabby at the moment, so he tilted his head up and let Axel's mouth descend on his. Somehow it felt even better in the shower, when the wetness of their tongues blended with the water running over their naked skin. Riku felt Axel's hands roam down his body; one was feeling out his sides, back and hips, and the other found it's way up to the back of his neck, gently but firmly pressing his face against Axel's.

Kissing Axel felt so different from all his previous kisses. He had kissed a few girls, but it had mostly felt weird, not exciting and wonderful like this. He guessed the closest he had been to anything like this was when he and Sora were kids and decided to try out 'this kissing thing' (yes, it had been Riku's idea). It hadn't really been a kiss, more like a quick peck on the lips. He remembered he had gotten a tingly feeling in his stomach and wanted to do more, but Sora said it was gross and that was that.

Stupid Sora. It wasn't gross, it was heaven! He put his arms around Axel, and pulled him closer, trying his best to keep up with his hungry lips and tongue. He could hear the redhead's breathing getting heavier, so he supposed he was doing alright. He opened his eyes slightly and a moment later Axel did the same. They looked into each others eyes, and Axel smiled and broke the kiss.

"I've got to hand it to you, Riku," he said slightly out of breath, "you're a pretty good start to my new life."

Riku blushed. "And you're a nice break in my _boring_ life…" Maybe now would be a good time to ask Axel what was going on between them? "I'll probably sound stupid for asking," he started and couldn't quite bring himself to look Axel in the eye. "I just… Are we, uh, you know, a couple now?" He tried to sneak a peek at Axel's expression from underneath his bangs.

The redhead looked surprised and his hands had stiffened where they rested on Riku's body. Then he frowned. Riku felt his mouth go dry and his heart started pounding hard in his chest.

"Ah. I don't know…" He let go of Riku with one hand to brush silver hair out of his face so he was forced to meet his eyes. "Is… Do you want that?"

Shit. The ball was back in his hands and Riku desperately tried to guess what the right answer to that question was. He didn't want to say no, because he really liked Axel and didn't want him to think otherwise. He didn't really want to say yes either, because it felt a little too early to commit like that… Maybe Axel thought so too, and saying yes would scare him away?

"Uhm, I…" he stammered. "I actually don't know. I like you and, uh… I don't really know you, but I want to. But we slept together, and… I just wonder what it means."

"Okay, don't panic!" Axel laid his hands on Riku's shoulders and took a deep breath. "Here's how I see it. I'm not exactly boyfriend material, as you may have guessed. I've pretty much given up on boyfriends, since it never works out… But I'm trying to change my life, so maybe when I've figured things out?"

Riku nodded, still confused. "What happens until then?"

Axel shrugged and gave him a somewhat nervous smile. "Can't we just continue doing this? Getting to know each other and have sex?"

"Yeah." Riku smiled back shyly. "At least I know I want that!" It did sound good, but it still stung his heart a little that Axel wasn't sure he wanted more than sex. He wasn't sure himself, but still!

"Good." Axel looked relieved, and kissed him on the cheek. "Just so you know, I like you too. I'm not _only_ doing this because you're pretty."

"Just mostly," Riku said dryly.

"Well, you _are_ very pretty," Axel teased with a wink, and kissed him again.

They made out for a while, until Riku's stomach interrupted them with a loud grumble. He usually ate at fairly the same time every day, but now dinner had been delayed for hours. Axel chuckled and admitted that he too was getting hungry, and they hurriedly cleaned up and got out of the shower.

"Can't you get a tattoo to cover them up?" Riku suggested when Axel was about to don his armsocks again.

"Yeah, I've thought about that." Axel ran a finger along the red, uneven skin and sighed. "It's really depressing to have to think about them all the time. But I don't think tattoos work very well on scar tissue, plus I can't afford it."

"Maybe you could do something that's also red around them. Like a flame or something?"

"That's not such a bad idea." Axel smiled and examined his wrist. "I could save up some money once I get a job… I know people who are good with tattoos."

Riku smiled too, happy that he could help Axel out in at least some small way. He turned to the mirror to try and comb out his hair with his fingers. That was when he discovered the red mark on his neck.

"What's that?" He frowned and bent closer to the mirror, and then realization struck him. "You gave me a hickey!" He stared at Axel in horror.

Axel just looked over at him and smirked. "Yeah, seems like it."

"Axel! People are going to ask about it! What the hell do I tell them?" He was panicking. He could already see for his inner eye how Selphie and Kairi would torture him with endless embarrassing questions at school on Monday. He would have to call in sick!

"Chill! Just say you met some girl and it's none of their business," Axel said with a shrug.

"Like they'll care about that!" Riku groaned. Maybe his hair would cover it if he was careful and held his head still?

"Calm down!" Axel was laughing, and Riku was starting to get really annoyed with him. "It's just a hickey, not the end of the world!"

"That's rich coming from a guy that freaks out over showing his scars!"

"Oh, please! You can't seriously be making that comparison!" Now Axel was looking annoyed too, but Riku didn't care.

"Why not? You're not the only one who has secrets!"

Axel tensed and there was an angry glitter in his eyes, then he shrugged it off. "Come on, Riku, now you're the one being an ass," he coaxed. "We can try to cover it up with makeup, I'll help you with it. I'm sure no one will notice!"

Riku was about to tell him off again, but he swallowed his words. He didn't really want to fight, and maybe covering it with makeup would work. He looked down into the floor and nodded. "Okay, we'll try that. I guess there's not much else to do."

"Good boy."

X

Twenty minutes later they were in Riku's car driving towards a restaurant owned by a close friend of Sora's mom. The hickey was under control, thanks to lots of cover stick and Riku's long hair.

Axel had rolled the window down, and seemed to be enjoying the wind blowing through his hair as he looked at the tropical forest bathing in sunlight outside. Occasionally he would ask a question about some plant or bird he saw, and Riku tried his best to answer.

"It's so beautiful here," he sighed happily, leaning his head in his hand.

Riku guessed he was right. He was so tired of this place that he really didn't notice anymore, but with Axel commenting it, it almost seemed like he was seeing his island for the first time. It really was a little piece of paradise, surrounded by the endless blue of the sky and the ocean; the land covered with lush vegetation and swathed in the comforting heat of the sun. For the first time Riku thought he might miss it if he moved away.

The restaurant was located down by the south beach. It was small, but had a good menu of local foods and a very nice view over the ocean. Riku figured Axel would like it, since he was new to the islands. He was right.

"I've never been this close to the ocean," he smiled and squeezed Riku's hand briefly, breathing in the salty air. "It smells weird! I want to go down to the beach later!"

Riku laughed. That sounded almost like the type of air headed comment Sora would drop. "Sure, but now we eat!"

The restaurant was a small building; its façade looking like it was made out of driftwood. Most of the tables were outside on a large veranda, and that's where they sat down, as close to the ocean as possible. There weren't a lot of other patrons, and Riku recognized none of them. Axel lit up a cigarette and gazed out over the ocean, a dreamy look on his face.

"Riku! What a nice surprise!"

They both turned around at the sound of the voice. It belonged to Kiki (Sora's mom's friend), who had spotted them and was now heading towards them holding a stack of menus in her hands. She was a tall woman, with tanned skin and brown hair, like most of the inhabitants of Destiny Islands. Riku knew her pretty well, since he had grown up almost as much in Sora's home as his own.

"Hey, Kiki," Riku greeted, nervously making sure his hair was covering his neck. "What've you got cooking?"

"Read for yourself," she answered him smiling, and placed two menus on the table. "I haven't seen you in a while, Riku. Who's your friend?" She turned to Axel with a polite smile and held out her hand. "I'm Kiki, the owner of this shack!"

Axel took her hand a shook it. "Axel," he simply introduced himself.

"He's my new neighbour," Riku filled in. "He just moved here from the mainland. I've helped him move in and… uh, stuff." He tried very hard to not blush, but it wasn't easy with Axel's knowing smirk.

"You're such a nice boy, Riku," Kiki beamed.

"Yes, he is," Axel agreed grinning, and Riku was sure he was now blushing visibly. "He's helped me out so much; I thought I'd buy him dinner as thanks."

"Well, I'm glad you chose to come to my place," Kiki said. "You are very welcome to Destiny Islands, Axel. I hope you'll like it here!"

"Oh, I'm already enjoying it very much," Axel said smugly with a quick glance over at Riku, who turned a darker shade of red.

Kiki didn't seem to notice, though. She just excused herself so they could look through the menus in peace, telling them she would return in a bit.

"Oh my _god,_ Axel!" Riku hissed as soon as she was out of earshot. "Could you be more embarrassing?"

"I can try!" Axel sniggered and winked. "Don't freak out so much, I didn't even say anything strange, how was she going to know what I was hinting at?" He opened his menu and studied it, ignoring Riku's strangled noises. "What should I order?"

Riku sighed, and gave up trying to argue with Axel. "All the fish courses are good. Take your pick."

"Alright. What are you having?"

"I haven't decided yet."

The rest of their dinner date, as Axel referred to it, proceeded in a similar manner. Riku would have been content with just sitting there and eating in silence, watching the waves roll in from the ocean (and maybe watching Axel a little, too). Axel, on the other hand, seemed to get some perverted pleasure out of making Riku turned on and/or embarrassed in public.

At first he just tried to rub his foot against Riku's leg under the table a few times, which Riku put an end to with a well-aimed kick in the shins. Later, he really wished he hadn't, since Axel had a lot of other tricks up his sleeves, and they were much harder to defend against. Like the way he would lick and suck at his fork suggestively, watching Riku in a positively lewd way…

When Riku started to avoid looking at him, Axel suddenly remembered he hadn't finished telling him about his shower-fantasy, and did so in great detail.

By the time they had finished their food, Riku had such a hard-on he didn't dare standing up, and they had to order dessert to give him time to calm down.

"I'm _never_ going out with you again!" he complained and shoved his mouth full of ice-cream, hoping it would cool him off.

Axel just smirked. "As long as you're going home with me, I'm happy… I think you're just afraid to admit you're enjoying yourself. You can't say you're bored, right?"

Riku scowled at him. Damn the bastard for being right!

X

_Author's notes: Don't know what to say about this chapter… I had a hard time making it flow. __It's much easier writing Axel than Riku!_


	5. King of Iron Fist

**King of Iron Fist**

X

It was Friday night, and Riku lay on his bed staring up at the ceiling. He'd been hanging out with Axel the entire week and had already lost count on how many times they had slept together. It was hard to believe that life could go from dull and meaningless to exciting and colourful in such a short amount of time, but that was what had happened. Even people at school had been beginning to notice the change, asking why he seemed so happy all of a sudden.

Then Kairi had spotted the hickey, even though he had been really careful about covering it up, and now the popular theory was that he was in love with someone. Riku had denied it, but as expected, no one seemed to believe him, and each and every one of his friends had been pestering him about who it may be.

He hadn't told anyone though. That was the only thing that sucked right now, that he had no one to talk to about this wonderful thing that was happening. Sora had asked about Axel, since he had seen him when he dropped by on his surprise visit that Saturday morning, and apparently Kiki had told him about them visiting her restaurant. Riku didn't dare say much more than that Axel was his new neighbour and that he was a cool guy.

No one had thought anything special about it. It was really hard to stop himself from babbling mindlessly about Axel, though. Everything around him always seemed to remind him of something he had said or done. It was beginning to get ridiculous. He couldn't even look at a red flower without thinking of Axel's hair. If he saw a cat he would think of Axel's eyes and the way he moved his thin body when they were in bed. When he heard music he would wonder if Axel would like it or think back to the first time they kissed. Thinking straight was just impossible these days…

He wished he could go over to Axel right now, but he knew he was out on some errands. There were a lot of things he needed to get for his new apartment, and he was trying to find work, which wasn't very easy with his background. He had promised to drop by when he came back home though, and that was what Riku was currently waiting for.

His thoughts of Axel were interrupted when his cell phone went off, playing an obnoxious melody loud enough to make Riku jump in his bed. He reached out and grabbed it from the side of his bed and checked the caller ID. It wasn't Axel like he had hoped, but Sora.

"Hey," he answered, maybe a little too sharply. He was still mad with Sora.

"Uhm, hi Riku! What's up?" Sora's voice sounded happy and carefree and would have fooled anybody who didn't know him. Riku picked up on the worried undertone right away, though.

"Nothing much… I'm just lying around being lazy," he answered truthfully, wondering why Sora was suddenly calling him. As usual they hadn't seen much of each other during the past week, only briefly at lunch break in school.

"Oh. Uh… I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tomorrow? If you have time?" Now he sounded insecure and pleading and Riku smirked. Apparently shutting the door in his face had had some effect. _Not liking the taste of your own medicine, Sora?_

"Why? Is Kairi going shopping again?" He didn't bother to keep the bite out of his voice and there was silence on the other end.

"Listen, Riku…" Sora started after a while. "I've been a bad friend, I know it, and I am sorry. I want to make up for it! I told Kairi I wanted to spend some time with you tomorrow… uhm, if you want to…"

He sounded so nervous. Riku smiled and pressed the phone against his ear, all angry feelings suddenly melting away. "I do," he said softly. "Don't worry, Sora, I understand. It can be hard thinking about anything else when you're in love."

There was another silence from Sora's end, then: "So does that mean Kairi is right? You _are_ in love with someone?"

"Maybe," Riku answered before he could stop himself. He cursed silently and hastily continued, "So when are you coming over tomorrow?"

"I was thinking around ten? And you're _so_ going to tell me who your crush is!"

"Fine," Riku answered with a sigh, not knowing which statement he was responding to. Sora seemed to think both.

"We'll talk tomorrow then!" he chirped happily, and this time he really did sound happy. "Now I have to go eat. Bye!"

"Bye…"

Riku ended the call and put the cell back on his bed stand. If here was anyone he could trust with a secret, he supposed it would be Sora. But could he really tell him that he was not only gay but also screwing the guy next door several times a day? Maybe it would be worth it just to see the look on Sora's face. He would probably have a heart attack!

Riku laughed to himself, then groaned. He really didn't know what to do. He would have to come out of the closet sometime, he supposed. And with all the feelings he was having for Axel, maybe it would soon even be necessary. After all, he couldn't ask someone to be his boyfriend if he didn't even dare to introduce him to his family and friends…

It just seemed so hard! He was most worried about what Sora and his parents would say. He didn't know if he could handle it if they thought he was unnatural and disgusting. Maybe his parents would love him anyway, but Sora? They were already drifting apart as it was.

Maybe he should start probing with a few questions to find out what they thought about gay people before he said anything. He would still have to tell them, though…

Again his brooding was interrupted by a loud signal, this time the doorbell. Riku jumped off the bed eagerly, thinking that it must be Axel, and indeed it was.

"Hey! Guess what?" he greeted and stepped inside. For some reason he had a large grin on his face, and he continued without waiting for Riku to answer, "I got a job today!"

"Really?" Riku smiled back at him. That was great news, Axel had been very worried about money, he knew. "Where?"

"At a cleaning company. I'm going to work nights, cleaning out office buildings," the redhead declared proudly, sounding like it was the greatest thing in the world.

"Ooh, fancy!" Riku teased and smirked.

"Shut up, you!" Axel said and slapped Riku's chest with the back of his hand. "I'm happy about this!"

Riku laughed, and waved his hands in a signal for Axel to calm down. "Okay, okay! I'm proud of you… When do you start?"

"On Monday." Axel smiled and stepped a little closer to Riku. "So what have you been up to?"

Riku shrugged and glanced at Axel shyly. "Waiting for you."

"Really…" Axel grinned and reached out his hands to stroke Riku's cheek with his index finger, taking another step closer. Riku caught the finger between his teeth, then kissed it and wrapped his tongue around it, taking it into his mouth

A look of raw lust flashed over Axel's face and he exhaled heavily. Then he snatched his finger back and leaned in to cover Riku's mouth with his own, kissing him harshly. Riku closed his eyes and let it happen, already feeling his groin stir to life. Before Axel could wrap his arms around him, he started backing up to the bed. Axel followed and crawled on top of him when he lay down, letting his hand slide under Riku's T-shirt and pushing his legs apart with one knee.

Riku undid Axel's ponytail as he loved tangling his fingers in his semi-long hair, and it looked so beautiful when it fell over his face and shoulders. He pulled Axel's face down to his and kissed him hungrily. He had been waiting for this all day…

"Oh, right…" Riku broke the kiss as he suddenly remembered. "You can't sleep here tonight. Sora called me; he's coming over tomorrow morning."

"Who, that cute brunet that was here before?" Axel looked down on him suspiciously. "I thought you didn't get along."

"Yes, him." Riku bit his lip. "He said he was sorry he had been such a bad friend. He's… It's just very hard to be angry with him!"

"I bet it is, when he's batting his cute little eyelashes at you…" Axel poked him in the side with a bony finger, looking a little disgruntled.

Riku laughed. "What, are you jealous now? I did tell you he has a girlfriend, right?"

"Who would want a girlfriend when they can have you?" Axel was still not looking convinced, and Riku laughed again. He actually liked the idea of Axel getting a little jealous.

"Oh, I don't know, Axel… A straight guy, perhaps?" he joked, but then added more seriously, "We're just friends."

"We're just friends too, you idiot!" Axel burst out frustrated, but he was grinning and didn't sound like he was really upset. They kissed again, and continued making out until Riku pulled away once more.

"Axel…" he said breathlessly, looking up into his green eyes. "I think I should tell Sora I'm gay… Would you mind if I told him about us, that we're sleeping together?"

"No, tell him so he knows to keep his hands off you!" Axel replied and bent down to kiss his neck possessively.

Riku rolled his eyes. "I don't think you have anything to worry about."

Axel looked up and smirked. "Just in case, I'm going to fuck you so good, you'll never even think of another guy…"

X

The next morning Riku woke up to the doorbell ringing, and when he looked at the time he saw it was already past ten. Axel had stayed late, and he really had fucked him good. Riku had been so tired he had forgotten to set an alarm. Now Sora was already here and he hadn't even had time to shower!

Riku swung his legs over the side of the bed, hastily pulling on his boxers from yesterday, which lay abandoned on the floor along with the rest of his clothes. The doorbell rang again. "Coming!" he yelled and groggily wobbled over to the door. Thank god Axel had locked it when he left! How awkward would it have been if Sora had just let himself in and found Riku naked in bed on top of the soiled sheets?

He opened the door and was met by Sora's blue gaze. He was looking insufferably alert and lively as usual. Riku could only imagine what he himself looked like, half-awake in nothing but his boxers and his hair in disarray.

"Whoa, Riku!" Sora giggled, covering his mouth with his hand. "Did you oversleep? We said ten, right?"

"Yeah…" Riku laughed nervously. ""I was up late yesterday, sorry… Uh, come in. I'm just going to take a shower."

"Fine," Sora said and stepped inside, "that'll just give me time to warm up my Tekken skillz!"

"Like that will help you," Riku snorted.

"Get in the shower, Riku. You smell." Sora stuck his tongue out and headed to the TV to get the game started. Riku didn't know why Sora liked Tekken so much, because he was really bad at it and always got his ass thoroughly kicked. But if it was humiliation he wanted, Riku would be happy to bring it…

Shower first, though.

X

"How's it going?" Riku asked and sat down beside Sora on the couch, after having cleaned up and got dressed. He had made himself some sandwiches too, since he couldn't function properly without breakfast.

"I'm stuck on Jinpachi* again!" Sora was pouting and waving the controller around wildly, and indeed Jinpachi was beating the snot out of his character.

"Maybe you would do better if you actually tried playing instead of button mashing," Riku suggested and bit into his sandwich. "You know, blocking and stuff?"

"Bah, what good is blocking when he does _that?_" Jinpachi had finished Sora off with one of his unblockable range attacks.

"There is always sidestep… Ah, give me that!" Riku put his sandwich away and took the controller from Sora's hands. "You've just got to keep attacking… Jump kicks usually works…" He pressed continue and concentrated on the battle on the screen, but couldn't help smiling at Sora's enthusiastic cheers of "Go, Riku!" and "Kick his ass!" whenever he landed a hit on Jinpachi.

He won the battle, and handed the controller back to Sora while Asuka's ending played out. "There you go. I think you need another round to 'warm up' before we go into versus mode!" He poked Sora playfully in the ribs, making him giggle. He had always been very ticklish.

"Just you wait, Riku! I'm going to _own_ your ass!"

Riku winced. That comment made all manner of weird images pop up in his mind. He shook his head to get rid of them. Damn Axel, it was probably his fault! Sora said stuff like that all the time and Riku had never thought anything strange about it before.

"You wish, Sora…" he answered, his voice sounding a little strangled. Sora didn't notice though, and Riku knew the double meaning had flown right over his head.

Sora started a new game, this time playing as Xiaoyu. He always chose female characters for some reason. He probably identified with them because they were small like him, or something. Riku smiled and got back to eating his sandwiches, watching Sora's game. It was pathetic and in the end he had to beat Jinpachi for him again.

"Now you can't chicken out anymore!" Sora exclaimed. "Time for versus!"

Riku laughed. "Chicken out? I was just trying to spare your feelings… Giving you a fair chance, you know?"

"Oh, bring it _on_, Riku, I think I can take it!" Sora answered cheekily. At least he had the right attitude… But again that sort of comments was giving him strange ideas, so Riku grabbed the second controller without answering, and they went into versus mode.

"Sooo, Riku…" Sora said with an equally smug and curious expression, as they flipped through the character select list. "I seem to remember you promised to tell me all about your secret crush yesterday?"

"I promised no such thing," Riku answered. He had prepared for this. "You asked if you could come over by ten, and that's what I agreed on."

"But, Riku!" Sora was giving him his best pout and puppy-dog-eyes treatment. "We're best friends! You're supposed to tell me that kind of things!"

"You haven't been much of a best friend lately," Riku muttered and immediately regretted his words, as Sora now looked like he was really hurt. It was true, though.

"Riku…"

"Okay, okay!" Why was it so hard to stay angry with Sora when he looked at you like that? "If you beat me, I'll tell you." He smirked. Like that would ever happen!

Sora seemed to think it could. "Really?" he asked beaming. "You might as well spill it right now!"

Riku snorted, but he was actually a little nervous and wished he hadn't said that. Telling Sora about his gayness had seemed like a much better idea yesterday, and on occasion Sora _did_ beat him… If they played long enough, he probably would. Statistics and all that… His hands got a little sweaty.

His confidence returned as he won the first couple of matches easily. Sora was just button mashing wildly, and whatever hits he got was pure luck. Such a random playing style was hard to predict though, and Sora won a couple of rounds here and there… But he was never best out of three, which was what counted.

The look on his face grew more and more sullen, and Riku was getting tired of winning all the time. "Can't we do something else?" he asked. "We could go to the beach… You're never going to win anyway."

"Fine," Sora sighed. "Just one more time! And you've got to use your worst character!"

"Whatever."

In retrospect, he probably shouldn't have agreed with that. He wasn't really that good at Tekken, just much better than Sora, which wasn't saying much. And using his worst character pretty much made him having to rely on button mashing too. Now it so happened that Sora got lucky in the first round, and even though Riku won the second, he was getting nervous. Sora on the other hand was getting worked up and excited, gripping his controller tightly.

"You're going down, Riku!" he squealed in delight.

"We'll see."

Again Sora got lucky with some weird combo, and suddenly Riku's life bar was considerably shorter than Sora's. Shit. He would have to play defensively, or Sora would accidentally land some more hits on him, which he couldn't afford. He backed up, trying to put some distance between his and Sora's characters.

"Aww, don't run, Riku!" Sora teased and moved towards him, launching a kick that Riku easily blocked and punished with a quick punch. After that they both managed to get some hits on each other in close combat, before Riku could back away again.

Almost nothing remained of his life bar; just one more hit could do him in, if it was powerful enough. Sora was still at half.

"Getting nervous?" Sora said, actually smirking at him!

Riku glared back, but realized he was probably finished. He wouldn't give up without a fight, though, and rushed towards Sora, tackling him down. He kept attacking with swift, simple kicks and punches, and for a while it looked like he was getting back on top. But then he accidentally pushed in the command for a slow but powerful attack, and watched in horror as Sora suddenly got a window to land a high kick in his head, draining the last of his health and knocking him out.

"YES!" Sora jumped out of the couch and performed an incredibly annoying victory dance. "Did you see that, Riku? I'm like, the _god_ of Tekken! King of Iron Fist!"

"Yeah right, because you won _one_ game?" Riku muttered crossing his arms defensively over his chest. Why was it that he even wanted to be friends with Sora again?

Sora ignored him.

"You were like raining punches, and then BAM!" Sora illustrated by kicking out ungracefully into the air. "I struck you down like lightning!" He turned to Riku and grinned menacingly, before jumping him and tackling down on the couch.

"Now you're going to tell me who you like!" He was straddling Riku and had placed his hands on each side of Riku's head, leaning down over him on his arms. Riku was close enough to see all the cute little freckles on his tanned face, and suddenly this position seemed very uncomfortable.

"Get off me, Sora!" he demanded. He sure as hell wasn't going to tell his best friends he was gay when they were lying tangled up in suggestive positions on the couch.

"But, Riku!" Sora whined and made no motion to move. "You promised!"

"I said get off!" Without further ado, Riku pushed Sora off him and sat up, making his smaller friend fall to the floor with a startled yelp. Sora was such a lightweight.

"Why are you so grumpy?" Sora muttered, climbing off the floor and taking a seat beside Riku. He was frowning and looking a little annoyed, rubbing a sore spot on his elbow, and Riku sighed.

"Sorry. It's just complicated, you know?"

"Aww, Riku!" Sora scooted closer and patted his shoulder comfortingly. "I'm sure she likes you back, whoever it is! All girls like you, even Kairi's ogling you when she thinks I'm not looking!"

Riku chuckled, despite himself. 'Too bad it isn't a girl,' he wanted to say, but kept his mouth shut. It wasn't too late to chicken out of this. He could just say he'd met a girl that was a tourist and now she had gone home without giving him her number, or something.

He was tired of hiding his true feelings though, and he didn't like keeping secrets from Sora. It had always felt like it put up an invisible wall between them. He should just trust Sora. As far as Riku knew he didn't think badly of anyone, even when maybe he should. He wouldn't start hating Riku just because he liked guys… Right?

"You know my new neighbour?" he started, not really sure how he was going to say this.

Sora nodded. "Yeah, that red-headed guy. Axel, was it?"

"Right…" Riku's voice trailed off.

"What is it? Is he giving you trouble?"

Riku had to smile at Sora's concerned look. "No, no, nothing like that. In fact we're getting along just fine."

"That's great, Riku," Sora said impatiently, "but what has he got to do with who you like?"

Riku stared at Sora hesitantly, then decided to just take the plunge.

"I slept with him."

Sora first blinked, like he didn't understand what Riku had just said. Then his eyes got so wide, Riku was positive they almost tripled in size.

"_What?_" Sora whispered, staring at him incredulously with his large, blue eyes.

"You heard me," Riku muttered and looked away. He was blushing madly and felt like he was about to panic. _Why_ hadn't he just lied?

"But…" Sora was struggling for words, and he looked like he was very close to that heart attack Riku had imagined. "I don't understand… Why- Don't you like girls?"

Riku shook his head miserably. "I'm gay, Sora."

There was a long silence where they both tried to calm down their racing hearts and regain the ability to think. Riku almost wished he would just die there and then. He didn't even dare looking at Sora, afraid of what he would see in his face.

"Wow." Sora finally broke the silence and managed a nervous smile. "I didn't see that one coming…" Riku glanced at him and swallowed.

"So you're gay and you… You slept with your neighbour?" Sora continued and blushed fiercely at that last part. "Is… is he like, your boyfriend, now? Why don't I know anything about this?"

"Well, it's not something you just blurt out!" Riku answered, finally finding his tongue. "And he's not really my boyfriend. For now we're just having sex, but I think he likes me a little…"

"And how much do you like …him?" Sora asked, still sounding like he was trying to grasp the situation.

"I don't know… I have barely known him a week!"

Sora giggled nervously. "Oh my god, Riku, you're such a slut!"

"Sora!" Riku glared at his friend but he could instantly tell from his expression that he didn't really mean to insult him with that comment. He burst out in a small giggle himself, relieved that some of the tension was disappearing. "So you don't hate me now, or anything?" he asked shyly.

"Riku! How can you think that?" Sora stomped his small foot on the floor, looking offended. "I admit that this is like, _ultra-weird_, but I could never hate you!"

"Okay…" The relief flooding him was just too much, and Riku felt his eyes tear up. He remembered now; _this_ was why he wanted to be friends with Sora.

X

_Author's notes: _

_* Jinpachi is the final boss in Tekken 5 story battle mode__._

_I hope there wasn't too much Tekken lingo in this chapter, but it shouldn't be, I've barely played Tekken 5 myself. A lot of 3 and Tag back in the day, though!_

_I'm really trying to update as often as I can, I work with this a lot… I'm just a very slow writer! I hope you have the patience to stick around for next chapter, which I think will be Sora's POV… Hope that doesn't scare you away! He was being awfully silly in this chapter…I was actually a little drunk when I wrote that part. :-)_

_And thanks again for all words of encouragement, it means a lot!_


	6. Disturbing images

**Disturbing images**

X

"Hey, do you want to meet him?" Riku asked, and turned around to look at Sora as he was about to open the door to the apartment complex where he lived, an almost ridiculously happy and hopeful look on his face.

They had just come back from the beach, where they had spent most of the afternoon, just hanging out and trying to pretend like everything was normal.

It wasn't, though. In some ways Sora figured it was better than normal; he couldn't even remember the last time he had seen Riku in such a good mood. It was a very nice change from the sulky, irritable attitude he had gotten used to over the past months. He was ashamed to admit it, but he hadn't thought that this day was going to be much fun at all.

What he _had_ expected was Riku going on about what a lousy friend he was and how he never had time for him since he got together with Kairi. He had a point, and Sora knew it, but Riku didn't exactly make the situation any better by constantly being in a foul mood and bitching about it. Honestly, who wanted to be around someone acting like that?

He hadn't had to suffer much of that at all, though. That Sora didn't hate Riku for liking guys seemed to have erased all of his previous sins from Riku's mind, and he had been nothing but thankful and sweet. Sora had almost forgot those sides of Riku's personality existed, and he had suddenly remembered why he liked Riku so much and just why he was his best friend.

But then there was the weirdness. Riku being gay added another dimension to _everything_! Something as simple as putting sunscreen on Riku's back, something Sora had done _hundreds_ of times, was suddenly awkward. It might have been easier if Riku had acted like it was nothing, but he didn't; Sora had felt how tense his shoulders were, and neither of them had said anything. Sora felt a little nervous when he thought about all the times they had changed in front of each other and slept in the same bed. And what about all their wrestling and tickle fights? Those could get pretty physical…

He guessed it wasn't the end of the world if Riku had some time thought about him in a more-than-friends kind of way (actually, wouldn't it be a complete failure if he hadn't?), but it somehow felt like a sneak attack. You were supposed to be completely safe from stuff like that with your best friend!

He _was_ probably safe though, because the brightest star on Riku's horizon was clearly Axel. During this day Sora had had to listen to all of the one thousand and one reasons why Axel was so wonderful, and some of those reasons he was wishing he could unhear… Really, did he _have_ to know the colour of Axel's pubic hair?

And now Riku apparently wanted to show off his not yet boyfriend…

Sora didn't exactly feel thrilled about it; he thought he had enough on his plate just digesting that his best friend was gay.

Riku's expectant smile was like a brilliant sunrise though, and Sora found himself smiling back weakly. It was a good thing Riku didn't know what lengths people were willing to go just to see him happy... If he ever found out, Sora didn't think anything could stop him from getting whatever he wanted.

"Uhh, sure…" he agreed hesitantly.

"Great!" Riku's smile turned even brighter, if such a thing was possible, and he opened the door holding it up for Sora to pass through. "I hope you'll like him! Uhm… He can come off as a little rude sometimes, but he…"

"..He doesn't really mean it, and he's not like that at all, I've got it," Sora filled in with an exasperated roll of his eyes and stepped inside, starting to climb the stairs. He heard Riku chuckle nervously behind him.

"Sorry, I talk too much… I just don't want you to get off on the wrong foot!"

He was obviously nervous about what Sora was going to think about Axel… Sora sighed. Even if he _really_ didn't like the idea of some guy doing …_things_ to his best friend, he would try his best to be open-minded and give him an honest chance. For Riku's sake.

"You're not talking, you're _babbling_!" he teased in an attempt to lighten the mood a little. "I never thought you were such a girl, Riku!"

"Oh, shut up Sora!" Riku jabbed back. "Like _I_ haven't had to listen to you going on about Kairi! Rememeber that time you were rambling on for about half an hour about which dress she looks cutest in?"

Sora grumbled a curse, knowing that Riku was right. He had been floating around on pink, fluffy clouds the first two months or so that he and Kairi had been officially a couple, and he had probably been ten times as annoying as Riku… "You weren't a very good listener, though!" he protested.

"And now you know why," Riku replied, smiling sweetly as he passed Sora in the stairs.

Sora stuck his tongue out at his back, quickly snatching it back in and plastering an innocent look on his face when Riku glanced at him over his shoulder.

They reached the door to Axel's apartment, sitting only a few meters away from Riku's. When Riku was about to ring the doorbell, Sora suddenly grabbed his arm, stopping him. He didn't really know why he did, it was just…

"Uhm, Riku?" he said, wetting his lips anxiously. "Would you mind… uh, not getting all physical while I'm here?"

Riku had been looking at him with a small frown, but as Sora spoke it disappeared and he nodded. "Yeah, I promise! I never meant that you would have to watch us make out, or something… Just hang out for a while?"

"Yeah…" Sora exhaled a breath of relief and smiled weakly. Riku smiled back encouragingly and rang the doorbell, while Sora hid nervously behind him. What was he supposed to say? _Hi, I'm Sora. Are you the guy that's banging my best friend? Nice to meet you!_

He was a little curious to see what kind of person Axel was to get Riku so worked up, though. He didn't think the descriptions given by Riku was much to go on, since they were probably heavily sugar-coated, and all he remembered from when he had seen him in Riku's kitchen was that he was tall and had very bright red hair.

Sora hadn't dared telling Riku this, but he didn't think it sounded very smart to jump in bed with someone you just met and barely even knew. Shouldn't the first time be with someone special? Someone you loved and trusted? Maybe Axel was just some jerk using Riku, since he didn't even want to be in a relationship with him even after they slept together (and apparently continued to do so). Despite his previous vow too keep an open mind, Sora could feel how he was getting angry. If this Axel so much as _thought_ of hurting Riku, Sora would make him _very_ sorry!

It was probably a very curious sight meeting Axel as he opened his door, with Riku beaming happily as he stepped aside to reveal a scowling Sora.

"Uh, hey…" he greeted, flickering his gaze between the two of them. Sora had to revise his earlier assessment of Axel's appearance. He wasn't just tall, he was _very_ tall, even taller than Riku, and the fact that he was extremely thin only emphasized his height. He was wearing a ratty, grey tank top (Sora suspected that it had once been black) that hung loosely about his torso and a pair of black jeans with the legs cut off just below the knee. His forearms were covered with some sort of black socks. Some noisy, aggressive music was blearing out in the corridor from inside his apartment.

Apart from his height, his most noticeable feature was his head. His tattooed face was made up of sharp angles and along with his thick mane of fiery red hair, it made him look very eccentric, and quite frankly a little intimidating… Sora was left with the distinct impression that Axel was trouble, and knowing Riku, he guessed that was probably exactly what had attracted him to Axel in the first place.

"Hi, what's up?" Riku said casually, leaning against the wall. "Can we come in for a while?"

"Uh, sure," Axel said shrugging. "I was just cleaning up a bit… Thought I'd finally get this place in order when you weren't around to pester me!" He smiled a small, teasing smile and stepped aside, allowing them entrance.

"Oh. Maybe I shouldn't come around so often, then…" Riku answered airily, obviously teasing him back. There was something more to it, though… Flirting?

Axel just snorted, his eyes flickering to Sora for a brief second. If it wasn't for him, he suspected Axel would probably have answered that with something equally flirty. He felt a tad nauseous.

"Axel, I want you to meet my best friend Sora," Riku said once they were inside.

"Yeah…" Axel turned and focused his whole attention on Sora, who suddenly felt like he was being inspected much like a bug in a microscope. That was a very intense gaze! "Nice to meet some more islanders, I guess… I'm Axel." He extended his hand, and Sora stared at it a moment before taking it.

"Nice to meet you, too," he replied lamely, because he couldn't think of anything else to say. "Riku has told me a lot about you."

"Really?" Axel let go of Sora's hand and glanced at Riku curiously.

Riku nodded, blushing slightly. "Yeah… I told him about us."

"Oh." Axel smiled and looked back at Sora. "And the sky didn't fall down?"

"No, Sora's been great!" Riku directed an almost shy smile towards him, and Sora squirmed uncomfortably. He didn't _feel_ like things were so great, but maybe Riku was just happy he wasn't completely freaked out.

"I still can't believe you thought I'd hate you," he mumbled, crossing his arms and staring into the floor.

"Come on, Sora! If I really did, I would never have told you!" Riku nudged him in the side with his elbow, and when Sora looked up he was giving him one of those irresistible smiles again. "Let's go sit down. Axel has one of those old NES consoles; don't you want to try it?"

Sora brightened a little. "Yeah!" A video game session with Riku and his "boyfriend" did sound like something he could manage. He could always concentrate on the game if things started to feel too awkward, plus he had always wanted to try out those old-school games!

He followed Riku into the only room of Axel's apartment and sat down on the couch in front of the TV. It was made of leather or some sort of imitation, and looked like it had seen much use. The fabric was worn thin and its cushions had multiple stains and tears. The coffee table in front of it was in a similar condition, covered with dents and what looked like cigarette burns, spillings having stained the wood.

Sora wondered what Axel's old apartment had looked like. His furniture seemed like they belonged more in the dump than someone's home… And even though Axel claimed he had been cleaning, the place looked rather messy with boxes and stuff piled everywhere.

As Riku started up the game, Axel turned the music off, much to Sora's relief. He was starting to feel a headache coming on.

"I bought some beer earlier, do you want any?" Axel asked. "I'm going to have one either way."

"Sure," Riku said getting up from the floor and sitting down next to Sora, who swallowed. He didn't really like beer, but he guessed one wouldn't hurt him, so he nodded. Actually it would probably be good for him; he needed all the help he could get to relax!

"Sweet." Axel left for the kitchen.

The moment he was out of sight, Riku turned to Sora, nudging him in the side again with an expectant look on his face. "Well?"

"Well, what?" Sora answered, pretending like he didn't understand exactly what Riku was getting at.

"What do you think about him, stupid?"

"I don't know… So far he seems alright…" Sora smiled weakly, knowing that Riku would not be satisfied with that answer. Luckily Axel appeared in the doorway again, carrying three beer cans. Riku didn't say anything more, just shot Sora a look that said they were not done with this conversation yet.

"Here you go," Axel said setting the cans on the table and sitting down next to Riku. He popped the one he kept for himself open, and took a swig directly from it. "What are we playing?"

"Super Mario 3," Riku answered. "Aren't we getting glasses for that?" He nodded his head towards the beer. Sora was glad he said that, because drinking directly from the can seemed a little… Well, you didn't do it unless you had to.

Axel seemed to disagree, because he stared at Riku as if he was some sort of alien being. "Why? That's just extra dishes."

Riku laughed. "I promise I'll do the dishes for you! But we want glasses, right Sora?"

Sora nodded.

"Alright, whatever…" Axel rolled his eyes and got to his feet, once again disappearing into the kitchen.

Riku leaned closer, turning to Sora again. "Come on, Sora!" he whispered. "What do you _really_ think about him?"

"Ehhr…" Sora smiled sheepishly. How should he put this? "Maybe he's a diamond in the rough?"

That made Riku giggle, and Sora was relieved to find out that he wasn't completely humourless about the topic of Axel. "Good answer... He really is though, I'm sure you'll like him when you get to know him better!"

"Oh, smooth Riku!" Axel said from the doorway, looking at them with an amused smirk. "You send me away for glasses so you can whisper about me with your _girlfriend_?"

Sora blushed, feeling embarrassed. Had he heard what they just said? And why did he refer to him as Riku's girlfriend?

Riku didn't seem fazed, though. "You _wish_ we were talking about you," he replied, leaning back on the couch again.

"Judging from your friend's blush, I'm more than just wishing," Axel said with a knowing smile, and walked up to sit beside Riku, handing them the glasses he had brought.

Sora cringed in his seat. Did they really _have_ to be so cheesy? He really hoped that the beer would help him cope with this all too obvious flirting going on!

Riku was already pouring their glasses, apparently unable to come up with a decent comeback to Axel's smug statement. "You start the game, Axel," he said, and Sora noticed that his cheeks were faintly tinted too. He smiled to himself, thinking that if Axel could actually manage to throw Riku off balance once in a while, he at least had _one_ reason to like him. Seriously, Riku could be such a smug bastard; he really needed to be taken down to earth once in a while!

"Alright, since we're three, how about a one player game, and we pass the controller around whenever we die or clear a level?" Without waiting for answer, Axel started such a game and entered the first level.

Sora watched the screen and took a first sip of his beer when Riku was finished pouring it. It tasted… well, like beer. Grimacing a little he forced himself to take another gulp before he put the glass away. Riku was watching him, he saw out of the corner of his eye. No doubt he was wondering why Sora was drinking in the first place, since he knew how Sora felt about beer. Well, he could keep wondering…

Sora watched Axel play instead. He obviously knew exactly what he was doing. Currently he was repeating the action of flying up to some secret tube in the sky, slowly but surely collecting coins and 1-ups. Sora wondered if he was good at Tekken too. For some reason it would bother him if he was.

"Don't tell me you're an expert at this too," Sora grumbled and looked at Riku, who smirked and opened his mouth to reply, when Axel snorted and cut him off.

"He sucks worse than a ten dollar whore…"

Riku gaped like a fish and Sora exploded with nervous giggles. Riku's face was just priceless and Axel's comment was so crude it was funny. 'Rough' did indeed seem like a fitting description of him!

"That's NOT funny!" Riku complained, his face turning red. "Stop laughing, you traitor! You're supposed to be my friend!" He punched Sora in the shoulder, which only made him laugh harder.

"Aww, calm down, cutie," Axel said and put an arm around Riku's shoulders as he handed him the controller. "I only meant in the game…" Then he kissed Riku's cheek, and Sora choked on his laughter.

Riku let out a nervous chuckle, and blushed harder as he glanced at Sora. "Not now, Axel…" He wriggled out of Axel's embrace, which obviously didn't sit to well with the older boy. He didn't say anything though; just leaned back with a shrug and looked at Sora with narrowed eyes. Sora swallowed and tried his best to disappear into his corner of the couch, taking another heavy gulp of his beer.

"What was that trick you showed me before?" Riku asked and entered the second level in an obvious attempt to change the subject.

"Oh… Go forward to that tube that spits out goombas," Axel ordered and turned his eyes away from Sora, who drew a breath of relief. That look had been really scary!

It was probably best if he just shut up for a while and concentrated on the beer, Sora thought and watched as Axel instructed Riku on how to collect 1-ups by stomping goombas without touching ground. Riku didn't do very well at first, but after a while he seemed to get the hang of it.

"Nice work!" Sora cheered and patted Riku's back, already forgetting that he was supposed to lay low. Riku flashed him a quick smile and Axel raised an eyebrow.

"Is he getting drunk already?"

Riku chuckled "He's always like that… Oh shit!" Riku got hit by a goomba and lost his ability to fly. "What do I do now?"

"Kill yourself, I want to try!" Sora replied. "And what do you mean 'like that'?"

"Let's call it over-enthusiastic…" Riku purposely walked into another enemy and handed Sora the controller with a teasing smile. "I doubt you'll manage nine stomps in a row."

"Pfft, how hard can it be? There's only two buttons," Sora answered, putting on a cocky act (he knew it annoyed Riku when he was being over-confident, which was why he so often pretended to be just that).

Sadly Sora's talk was empty as usual. He had to start the level in Mario's small shape, when Riku had had the advantage of already being Raccoon-Mario from Axel's previous game. Axel told him where to find a mushroom and leaf, but Sora still managed to get himself killed in a very short amount of time.

"I guess that makes me a _five_ dollar whore…" he sighed and passed the controller to Axel, who laughed and nodded, his eyes softening a little.

"I'm afraid so…" he answered in mock seriousness, and Riku laughed and ruffled Sora's hair.

The more they played, the more comfortable Sora was starting to feel. He had to admit to himself Axel didn't seem that bad after all. He could actually be quite funny and he was nice to Riku. (Well, apart from teasing him, but Riku deserved that!)

He couldn't quite shake the feeling that Axel was looking at him strangely when he thought he couldn't see it, though. It didn't seem hostile or like he was checking him out or anything, so Sora eventually stopped caring about it. He suspected the alcohol may have something to do with his newfound calm, because he was starting to build up quite a nice buzz. Whatever the cause, it was nice to not be so on edge, Sora reasoned.

He was even starting to get used to the way Riku was sitting a little too close to Axel and "secretly" holding his hand when Sora played. It was weird, but not that bad… And Riku looked so happy! It was obvious from just the way he looked at Axel that he had a serious crush on him… Sora just had to accept it, and he actually thought he was doing a pretty good job.

That was before he went to the bathroom after finishing his second beer, though. Even with the alcohol lulling his senses, nothing in the world could have prepared him for the sight before him when he got out of there. They were just kissing, but… It looked so… _hungry_.

Sora felt cold, like all blood was suddenly drained from him. He wanted to turn away, but just couldn't stop watching Axel's bony hands as they fisted Riku's hair, and Riku's hands eagerly running over Axel's hips and sides as he was leaning over him. Their mouths were locked together and Sora could see their tongues tangling and their chests heaving as they breathed heavily.

The next moment he could feel his body positively exploding with heat. He was sure he had never in his life been close to blushing like this! It felt like he was red all the way down to his _toes_, and he was starting to feel dizzy. How long were they going to continue? Couldn't they see he was standing right there in front of them? _God-damn it, Riku!_

After struggling with a choking feeling in his throat for some agonizing seconds, he finally managed to get their attention by giving out a strangled cough. Riku pulled away from Axel looking startled, while the redhead just raised an eyebrow and leaned back casually.

"I'm so sorry, Sora! I… You weren't supposed to see that!" Riku stood and hurried over to where Sora was standing in the doorway. "I thought I'd hear the door…" he mumbled, wringing his hands.

"It's alright…" Sora mumbled, avoiding Riku's eyes. "Maybe I should just go home so you two can be alone. I'm obviously the third wheel here…" He turned and started looking for his shoes.

"Sora, you don't have to do that! You're not the third wheel!" Riku grabbed his arm, forcing him to turn and look at him. "Please don't be freaked out! It was just a kiss…"

Sora took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "It's okay, Riku," he whispered. "It's just been a lot to take in today, I guess… I should really just get home and rest and I'll be fine."

"Sora… Are you sure?" Riku was looking so scared and vulnerable at that moment, Sora felt a pang in his heart. He wished he could be more at ease with all this and be more supportive of him, but what was he supposed to do? He needed time.

"Yes," he breathed tiredly, thinking he could give Riku at least that. "I'll see you later." With that, he twisted his arm free of Riku's hold and once again turned to put his shoes on. Axel had come up to stand beside Riku in the doorway when he was finished.

"Uhm, I'll leave now, I guess… Bye, and uh… thanks for the beer." He directed the last statement to Axel, who smiled a small, crooked smile and made a sloppy salute with his right hand. Riku seemed to have collected himself again, only looking slightly worried.

"Bye, Sora…" he said quietly. "I'll call you tomorrow."

Sora nodded and walked out the door, almost immediately collapsing on the stairs, his legs to wobbly to carry his weight. His headache was coming back with a vengeance, and he just couldn't get that image of Riku and Axel kissing out of his head. Axel's hands running through Riku's hair, pressing his face closer… He was sure he had heard Riku give out a faint moan. Had it really been that good?

Sora shook his head, trying to clear his mind. That kiss had sobered him up just as effectively as a bucket of cold water, but his pulse was still running amok. He would just sit down here for a while until his heartbeat was back to normal, and then he could go over and visit Kairi. That would make him feel better; she always had this soothing effect on him.

X

This day just seemed hell-bent on not turning out like Sora had expected. When Kairi opened the door to her home; Sora had taken a breath of relief. She looked so cute, wearing a light blue dress that contrasted beautifully with her dark, red hair, and Sora could finally see an end to the disturbing images of guys making out that was invading his mind. But Kairi effectively shattered his newfound peace when the first words out of her mouth were a question of whether he found out who Riku liked or not.

"Nice to see you too, Kairi," he said sarcastically and stepped past her into the house.

"Oh, stop that, Sora!" she giggled and hugged him from behind. "You've been just as curious as me! Did he say who it is?"

"Yes, he did," Sora admitted, unable to lie to Kairi, even if he really wished he could, just so she would drop the subject. "He didn't want me to tell anyone, though."

"Not even me? That's just cruel!" Kairi let go of his back and gave him a proper hug and kiss instead, only to instantly pull away, her nose wrinkling. "Have you been drinking?"

Sora shrugged and smiled sheepishly. "Only a little…"

Kairi shook her head, and then smiled. "I can imagine it would take something like that to make Riku open up," she giggled, and Sora didn't care to correct her faulty assumption.

"Yeah," he simply agreed.

"You taste awful! Luckily I have some gum up in my room." Kairi took him by the hand and dragged him through the house. Sora waved a quick greeting to Kairi's mom as they passed the living room.

"Typical of Riku to be so stubborn!" she grumbled jokingly once they had gotten up the stairs to her room, and started looking through her desk drawers. "Why is it so secret who he likes? Isn't he a little too old to be embarrassed about liking someone?"

Sora shrugged, sitting down on her bed and closing his eyes, just to have an image of Riku's hand feeling out the contour of Axel's hip flash before his mind's eye. He snapped his eyes open again, meeting Kairi's. She had sat down beside him, a shrewd look on her face and a pack of gum in her outstretched hand.

"He can't blame you if I _guess_ who it is, can he?"

"Kairi," Sora complained weakly, taking a piece of gum into his mouth, "can't we talk about something else?"

"Is it Selphie?"

Sora sighed; apparently they could not. "No."

"That girl from his biology class? It's obvious she likes him!"

"No…"

"Hmm, Nell? Erica?"

"Wrong again… Just give it up." Sora lay down and put a pillow over his head. This was going to take a very long time if Kairi was going to name every girl in school…

"Why are you acting so weird?" Sora could almost hear the creases forming on Kairi's forehead. Then there was a sudden silence. "It's not… Oh, god Sora! It's not _me_, is it?"

"No!" Sora sat up, flinging the pillow aside. "I would have kicked his ass! Besides, wouldn't you know if you gave him that hickey yourself?"

Kairi just ignored him, as she often did when she thought he was too stupid to argue with. "Then who can it be? I don't think Riku even knows any more girls! Is it someone old and embarrassing?"

"No… or, uh, I don't know…"

"Sora! This is so frustrating! Can't you tell me? Riku doesn't have to know…"

Kairi was watching him with a pleading look in her eyes, but Sora shook his head. "No." He was adamant on this. "He asked me not to say anything, so I won't. I wouldn't want him to blab about my secrets if I had asked him to keep quiet! Besides… I think he should tell people himself."

Kairi hung her head and sighed. "Alright. But this will bother me all night!"

Sora was pretty sure it was going to bother him all night as well. He wished Riku would have let him tell Kairi, because he really wanted – no, _needed_ - to talk to someone about this. It almost felt like his head was about to explode!

"I think I'm going to head home," he told Kairi. "I'm really tired and I have a headache." Meeting Kairi had not been the remedy he had had thought it would be, and now he just wanted to go home and be alone. Some sleep would probably do him good… He just hoped he wouldn't have any weird dreams.

"Okay..." Kairi answered, looking a little disappointed. "I guess I should get to bed too. Kiss goodnight?" She smiled one of her cute little smiles, and Sora nodded happily, pressing his lips to hers. Immediately the image of Axel and Riku kissing popped into his mind, ruining everything. He pulled away, somewhat hastily.

"Eh, I'll get going now… Goodnight Kairi, see you tomorrow!" He hugged her and got to his feet, ignoring how she was eyeing him suspiciously.

"Yeah, goodnight, Sora," was all she said.

When Sora finally got out of the house, having said goodnight to Kairi's parents as well, he took his cell phone out of his pocket and called Riku. He had no idea what he was going to say, he just needed to talk and Riku was the only alternative, since he couldn't tell anyone. He hated secrets!

Riku wasn't picking up, though. What was he doing? Maybe he was with Axel…

Sora's stomach turned to ice. _No, no, no!_ No more images! He was probably just out running or something, that must be it!

_Yeah, right_. This late on a Friday night? Not even Riku was that much of a health freak.

"Shut up, brain!" Sora demanded loudly. "Can't you be this smart in school instead?" He kept listening to the monotone sound of the signals reaching Riku's phone unanswered. Damn him if he was going to give up, though!

After maybe the fifteenth signal, Riku finally picked up.

"Yeah, what is it?" He was sounding annoyed and out of breath. Sora's spirits sank.

"Where you out running?" he asked in a small voice.

Silence…

"No. What do you want, Sora? Is something wrong?" At least he was sounding a little concerned now.

"No… Or yes. Uhm, I don't know, I just need to talk?"

"Can it wait? I'm, uh… busy." Sora thought he heard Axel's voice in the background, telling Riku to get back to bed.

"I guess…" he whispered.

"I'll call you later." Then a click as Riku hanged up.

Sora slowly put the phone back in his pocket, feeling depressed. He didn't like the thought of that Axel guy doing _things_ to his best friend at all. Did that make him an asshole? Riku seemed to be pretty happy about it, so shouldn't Sora also be?

Kicking at some pebbles on the road, Sora started walking towards his home again. He didn't get far before his cell rang again, and he surprised himself with the lightning speed he picked up.

"Oh my god! I'm such an idiot!" It was Kairi's voice coming from the other end, not Riku's, Sora noticed with some disappointment. "It's not a girl at all, is it? It's a boy!" she continued, and Sora stopped dead.

"Uhh, wh- what makes you think that?" he stammered.

"Come on, Sora! I know I'm right! Why else has he never had a girlfriend? It's not like he'd had a hard time finding one if he wanted to. I can't believe I haven't thought of this before!"

"Okay… You're right, it's a boy," Sora said slumping his shoulders. Damn it, why was it so impossible to keep a secret from Kairi? And why did she seem to think it _made sense_ that Riku was gay?

"I knew it!" she cried triumphant, and then suddenly there was that silence again. "Sora…Is – is it you?"

"N-no! Kairi, do you really think _I_ gave him that hickey?"

"No…"She giggled. "I just thought… It wouldn't be so strange if he liked you, I mean you're really close."

"Yes, it would be _very_ strange! He's my best friend! He can't like me like that!" Sora pouted, though he knew Kairi couldn't see it. "This is so weird!"

"Calm down, Sora," she answered. "Who is it, if it's not you?"

Sora sighed. He guessed it didn't matter if he told her now that she already knew it was a guy… "It's his new neighbour. Apparently they're getting along very well."

"Wow… Didn't Riku say on Monday that he just moved in? Did you meet him?"

"Yes… I met him."

"Well?"

"Well, what?" Sora tried to avoid the question.

"What was he _like,_ stupid?" Kairi asked annoyed, in a perfect imitation of what Riku had sounded like earlier when he asked what Sora thought about Axel.

Sora shrugged and kicked at another rock. "I don't know… He was okay, I guess. But he was giving me these weird looks and he has tattoos on his face. He looks like a freaky, redheaded clown!"

"What's wrong with red hair?" Kairi asked, sounding even more annoyed.

"Uhh… Nothing! Sorry…" he laughed nervously. Damn him and his big mouth!

"Whatever… So what, is Riku dating him now?"

"Riku says they're just friends… Didn't stop them from making out right in front of me, though!" Sora let another innocent rock face the fury of his mighty kick, and heard it clatter against the asphalt further down the street.

"Really?" Sora didn't like how excited she sounded. "Was it hot?"

"Yes… NO!" _Holy mother of God, WHERE did that come from?_ "No, it wasn't hot, I'm traumatized, Kairi! What's wrong with you? My best friend turns out to be gay and you wonder if I think it's _hot?_"

"Whoa, calm down, Sora! This isn't my fault!"

She was right, and Sora already regretted his outburst. "Sorry… I didn't mean to yell at you, I'm just a little freaked out…"

"Yeah, I can tell… I hope you weren't acting like this when Riku told you?"

"No! I'm not a complete schmuck!"

"Good to know…" Kairi sounded sarcastic and Sora didn't blame her. He probably sounded exactly like a complete schmuck…

"Don't you think it's even a little weird?" he asked her miserably, shoving his empty hand into his pocket.

Kairi was silent for a while. "Not really… I mean, what difference does it make?"

"I don't know, it's just…" He trailed off. Kairi would probably think it was silly, but he had always had this thought in the back of his mind that when Riku got a girlfriend, maybe she and Kairi could be friends, and all four of them could hang out… Like, they could go on camping trips together, and if Sora and Riku wanted to do guy stuff, their girlfriends could get together and do girl stuff and no one would be left out. Riku having a boyfriend wasn't just weird; it ripped Sora's secret dreams of the future to shreds. And did Riku even need a best friend to do guy stuff with when he already had a boyfriend?

"Just what?"

"Forget it… I probably just need to sleep." Sora rubbed at his forehead. That headache was just getting worse. Thankfully he was almost home.

"Yeah, don't brood about this too much, there's nothing you can do to change it anyway. You'll probably feel better about it tomorrow!"

"I hope so…" Sora managed a small smile. "I'm glad you guessed it was a guy, I thought my head was about to explode from keeping this to myself!"

Kairi laughed softly. "Yeah, I imagine it would be hard to shut up about it!"

"You can't tell anyone about this Kairi!" Sora said anxiously. If Selphie found out about this, it would spread over half the island in no time! "Riku would be so mad with me!"

"No, I'll keep my mouth shut. I agree with you, it's probably something he should tell people himself."

"Good. I love you, Kairi…"

"I love you too. Get home now, and go to sleep! I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Yeah, goodnight."

"Goodnight, Sora." Kairi hung up, and Sora put the phone back in his pocket with a sigh, hurrying towards his house that was now visible at the end of the street.

X

It wasn't until much later, when Sora was already drifting into sleep, that Riku called him back. Groggily Sora groped for the phone on his bedstand.

"Hello?" His voice came out slurred and raspy.

"Hi, it's me…"

When hearing it was Riku's voice, Sora immediately sat up, trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes. "Hey…"

"Were you sleeping? I'm sorry I woke you up…"

"No, it's okay." Sora shook his head, trying to sober up.

"I promised to call you back before; you said you wanted to talk?" Riku sounded worried.

"Yeah… uh, I was panicking a little."

"About the kiss?"

"Mmm…"

"I said I was sorry, Sora! I wish you didn't have to see that so soon, but I can't make it undone, so…"

"I know, I'm not mad…" Sora interrupted. Now that he had some distance to it, he felt that maybe he had overreacted a little.

"Okay. What's wrong then?"

"Just forget about it, Riku. I'm feeling better now, I think." He paused, wetting his lips. Riku was not going to like this. "Uhm, Kairi knows, by the way."

"What? Sora, I _told_ you not to tell anyone!" Just as expected, Riku's voice was filled with anger and hurt, and Sora hurriedly tried to explain.

"I didn't tell her, Riku, she figured out herself! When she couldn't guess which girl you like, she figured it must be a boy… So then I told her it was your neighbour, but I didn't say you were having … uh, sex."

"She figured it out?"

"Yes!"

Riku was silent for a moment, and then spoke in a small voice, "What did she say?"

"She doesn't mind; she actually seems to think it makes sense!"

"Really?" Sora was touched by how happy that seemed to make Riku, judging from the surprised and hopeful tone of his voice. He had gotten the impression that Riku had been avoiding Kairi as much as he could since they started going out, and it had hurt him, because all three of them used to be good friends before that.

"Yeah, do you know what she said?" Sora continued. "'Why else wouldn't he have a girlfriend? It's not like he'd have trouble finding one if he wanted!' She said she couldn't believe she hadn't thought about it earlier."

Riku chuckled. "I always thought Kairi was smarter than you!"

"Hey! That was uncalled for!" Sora pouted. "Just because I didn't suspect you were secretly checking out my ass all these years, doesn't mean I'm not smart!"

Riku laughed even harder. "But Soooora!" he whined playfully. "You have such a cute little ass… Can't blame me for appreciating it more than your intellectual qualities…"

"That's _NOT_ funny!"

"Relax! I'm kidding!" You could practically hear Riku rolling his eyes at the other end of the line, and Sora had to smile.

"So you're saying my ass _isn't_ cute?" he whined back, making Riku laugh again.

"Okay, I'm not answering that!"

There was a short silence, and Sora smiled to himself. Things were weird, but he was feeling better even after this short period of sleep. Maybe this would work out after all?

"Riku…" he began, in a more serious tone of voice. "When I called earlier, were you… uhm, you know? Were you with Axel?"

It took a moment before Riku answered. "Yeah… Why?"

"I just…" Sora struggled for words. He had been meaning to ask Riku all day, but it had just felt too awkward. Besides he hadn't even been sure he _wanted_ to know. "What's it like? Sex, I mean." He exhaled slowly, closing his eyes. There, he said it.

"You don't know?" Riku sounded genuinely surprised. "I thought you and Kairi-"

"No, not yet," Sora interrupted, feeling his cheeks warm up. "I would have bragged about it if we had done it…"

Riku chuckled. "Well, I don't know… It's probably different with a girl, but… You should definitely try it!"

"I should?"

"Yes! Why haven't you? You guys have been together for what is it? At least six months?"

"Well, it's probably hard to understand for someone who jumps in bed with people he hasn't even known for a day," Sora said dryly, "but we want it to be special."

Riku snorted "You love each other and are in a relationship, how much more special can it get? And things may have happened a little fast with Axel, but I thought it was pretty damn special!"

"I didn't mean it like that, Riku!" Sora hurried to apologize. Actually he did (how special was someone you just met?), but he didn't want to argue when they for once were getting along. And Riku had a point. "I don't know what we're waiting for, actually…"

"For you to reach puberty?" Riku asked innocently.

"Very funny…" Sora muttered. Sometimes it seemed like no matter the subject, Riku would always be able to come up with a joke about how short and/or scrawny he was. "Remind me to never discuss something serious with you again."

Riku just laughed. "Sorry, couldn't resist that one… Can't you just try to push it a little? Maybe she doesn't know what you're waiting for either."

"Yeah…" Sora thoughtfully fiddled with the fabric of his sheets. The truth was that even though he wanted to have sex, he was also very nervous about it. He wanted their first time to be perfect, but what if it wasn't? "I'm just so nervous! What if I do something wrong?"

"Ah… I was really nervous too. I'm glad Axel knew what he was doing!"

Sora nodded to himself. It was probably much easier if you were with someone more experienced that could tell you what to do. No such luck for him, though.

"Anyway, I don't think you should worry about it, everything will probably be fine," Riku added after a few moments of silence. Sora could hear him yawn.

"Are you tired?"

"Yes… I think I'm going to go to sleep as soon as Axel comes back in. He went out for a smoke."

"Oh." Sora didn't know what to say. He hadn't realized Riku were still at Axel's place… and that he was apparently going to spend the night there. It made him feel uneasy all over again.

"Or is there something more you want to say?"

Sora hesitated. He wanted to tell Riku to be careful with this whole Axel thing, but he knew Riku wouldn't want to hear it, and maybe it was already too late for warnings anyway. "No, I think I need some sleep too…"

"Okay, I'm going to say goodnight then. And for the record, your ass IS cute!" Riku hung up, leaving Sora to stare at the phone in disbelief, his cheeks heating up.

It seemed like Riku had found a brand new way of teasing him…

X


	7. Demons from the past

**Demons from the past**

X

"He sure left in a hurry," Axel remarked when the door shut behind Sora. "Are you sure he's really handling this so well?"

"Much better than I expected anyway," Riku sighed. "I think he's alright, it's just… I promised him he wouldn't have to watch us make out!"

Axel chuckled. "Well, that's one broken promise then!"

"Yeah… I feel stupid." Riku hung his head down. "He's been so great about this! I mean, I could tell he's a bit freaked out, but still he's doing his best to try and accept me… And I can't even keep my hands off you for a few hours!"

"Don't beat yourself up about it; it's not your fault I'm so irresistible," Axel said with a smirk, and snaked his arm around Riku's waist. At least that made him smile a little. "Besides," he continued more seriously, "he'll have to get used to it sooner or later."

"Yeah, I guess…" Riku leaned against him, resting his head on his shoulder, and Axel gently led him back to the couch where they sat down, their arms still wound around each other. Riku may not have been thinking Sora was third wheel, but Axel was glad to finally have Riku all to himself. It had been really hard to not touch him in front of Sora, and for a while he had thought of doing it anyway… Trying to shield people from inconvenient truths never led to anything good, and that kid really needed to wake up and smell the coffee!

"What did you think about him?" Riku murmured against his neck.

That was a good question. Axel hadn't thought about it before when he only saw Sora briefly, but _dear God_, he really looked a lot like Roxas! That short, slender body type and something vague about the shape of his face and mouth… Not to forget the eyes! Axel had very nearly crapped his pants when he opened the door to that all too familiar blue stare. He had looked pissed too, just like Rox…

He hoped Riku appreciated the very nearly _angelic_ levels of patience it had demanded of him to not only keep his hands off Riku, but also sit there and be nice to someone who was practically a clone of his ex boyfriend!

Discovering just how much it still hurt to think about him had been a very unpleasant surprise.

It wasn't Sora's fault what he looked like though, Axel admitted grudgingly to himself, and apart from that he seemed like a nice kid… Maybe a little too bubbly.

He shrugged, making Riku's head jump on his shoulder. There was no way he was going to tell Riku about his associations to Roxas, or _anything_ about Roxas for that matter, so he decided to try and be funny instead.

"I'd do him," he casually assessed Sora, and laughed when Riku jerked his head up and stared at him.

"What?"

"I'm just kidding!" He kissed Riku's cheek and then pulled away with a smirk. "Though I bet you'd do him too…"

"Axel!" Riku whined, his cheeks reddening slightly. "I thought we'd been over this! He's straight and he's just my friend."

"Mm-hmm…" Axel cuddled in closer to Riku again. "But what would you do if it turned out he would be open to experiment a little?"

"That's really nothing I should be thinking about," Riku said, his voice sounding strangled and visibly blushing now.

"But you have been thinking about it?" Axel already knew the answer to that question (who in their right mind hadn't had some indecent thoughts about their hot friends once in a while?), but he still wanted to hear Riku admit it. If it really was just friendship, that shouldn't be so hard, right? He wanted to know if there were some deeper feelings from Riku's end.

"Yes! I have! Are you happy now?" Riku snapped, sounding very annoyed. "Why are you asking this?"

"Calm down, I'm just curious…"Axel took Riku's hand, intertwining their fingers. He wasn't sure how to interpret Riku's reaction, so he prodded some more. "You two seem really close…"

"Yeah, well… Not _that_ close!" Riku squeezed Axel's hand and a small smile appeared on his lips. "Nowadays I'm pretty happy with being close to you…"

Axel grinned and rolled his eyes. "Way to distract me, Riku! You're turning out to be a real sweet-talker, you know that?"

Another smile, slightly seductive.

"Can I sweet-talk you into stop asking embarrassing questions about Sora and kiss me instead?"

Axel stared at Riku appreciatively. He really was getting good at this!

Without saying anything more, he leaned forward and kissed Riku, who kissed him back with a surprising amount of passion. Moments later Axel found himself pushed onto his back, with Riku on top of him, pinning him down to the couch with all his weight. He was already hard, Axel could feel. He hoped it wasn't because of all the talk of Sora, but as Riku started trailing kisses down his neck, he stopped caring. As long as he was on the receiving end of Riku's horniness, everything was fine, wasn't it?

X

Much later that night Axel was standing out on his small balcony, lazily smoking a cigarette and wearing nothing but his boxers. He was feeling truly happy and at peace with himself, something he hadn't experienced in a long time… Not sober, anyway. Great sex could have that effect on you sometimes.

He glanced through the window at Riku lying naked in the bed, talking on his cell, and smiled. It was getting hard to believe that just a week ago he had been a shy virgin, when now… It certainly wasn't a virgin that held him down and fucked him on the couch earlier! They had spent almost the entire evening in bed, alternating between having sex and just cuddling and talking, and Axel was exhausted in an entirely pleasant way.

Riku was a vein of solid gold, there was no discussing it. So fucking hot and insatiable and _pure_, he was unlike anyone Axel had ever met. Most of the people he had slept with he didn't even remember, they were one night stands or people he had just fucked to get hold of money or drugs, and he was utterly indifferent to them.

He had come across some real assholes too, but he really preferred not to think about those times. Then there were some boyfriends… Bastards, the lot of them. Well, not Roxy, Axel was clearly the bastard there…

He sighed. Hadn't he been feeling happy just a moment ago?

There had been some good times with Marluxia, he guessed, mostly under the influence of various drugs or when they were both feeling particularly lonely and miserable… They had been good friends once, and there had been this partners-in-crime kind of bond between them, since they were both complete fuckups. But even that friendship had eventually turned sour, all because of Axel's suicide attempt.

It had been Marluxia that found him as he lay bleeding to death in the bath tub. Axel still couldn't believe how he could have forgotten to lock the door, or how Marly had actually known what to do to slow the bleeding. One would have thought that his brain had turned to mush a long time ago from his heavy drug usage…

Axel had been far from thankful for having his life saved. He had really wanted to die, and if Marly had been a good friend he should just have left him there, he reckoned. The fact that his recovery with hospitalization and shrinks picking him to pieces had been slow and painful didn't make things any better. For a while it had looked like he would lose one of his hands; the veins were so trashed.

When he eventually had started to get better, Marly had been the first to welcome him back by waving a small bag of cocaine.

"_My treat, baby!"_

He probably meant well, it may even have been his twisted way of apologizing, but that was really the worst thing he could have done. Axel had been clean at that point, thanks to the long period of hospitalization, and he was considering keeping it like that. He was still very depressed though, so some chemical confidence had been too tempting to resist.

Everything had soon started to slip again, until Axel was back to the brink of suicide. This time however, he had chosen to at least try and turn his life around, and that was when Marluxia had shown his true colours.

He had never been any support, just angry and disappointed that Axel didn't want to "party", and that was when Axel had started to realize that Marluxia really didn't care about him at all. He had always had this strange ability to just shrug off his problems just go along with whatever happened, while Axel struggled to keep himself floating. Marluxia knew this, and still he didn't care how bad Axel felt; all he wanted was fun and someone that was with him on all his stupid shit.

_Fuck you, Marly._

Axel looked at Riku again, his beautiful body stretched out on the sheets. _Pure gold._

Maybe Marly was a complete asshole, but Axel was slowly starting to appreciate that he had saved his life. Right now it wasn't bad at all… He just had to hope Riku never found out what a bag of pure _shit_ Axel was, and maybe, just maybe this time he wouldn't fuck up.

Drawing a last breath of smoke from his cigarette, Axel put it in an empty can (Riku had insisted that he should get an ash tray instead of littering by just throwing his cigarette butts off the balcony), and looked through the window again. Riku was still on the phone, probably with Sora… The little brat had called and interrupted just when Axel was receiving the blowjob of his dreams, and he hadn't even had something important to say! He had probably done it on purpose, the little bugger…

Axel pulled out a new cigarette and lit it, letting Riku finish his phone call in private. It would have been fun to go in and get Riku all worked up and turned on while he was still on the phone (and it would be a great revenge on Sora), but he was too tired. He could save that little prank for later… Those two probably needed to talk anyway.

Leaning on the railing, Axel puffed his cigarette while getting lost in thoughts again. Thinking of Sora inevitably led him to think about Roxas, and all those old memories that were both precious and painful. He had been so in love with Roxas… But there had been absolutely nothing right with their relationship. Even Marluxia, whose morals were doubtful at best, had thought it was a bad idea.

It had been raining on the day they met. Axel had been taken by surprise and fled into a nearby tunnel to avoid getting completely soaked, and that was where he saw Roxas for the first time, smoking with some other kids. He couldn't remember what the others looked like, but Roxas stood out in his memory like it had been only yesterday they met. He had been wearing a pair of cut up and torn jeans held together with safety pins in different places, but looking otherwise new, along with some none too skilfully applied eyeliner. He had looked awfully young (fourteen to be precise) and Axel remembered that he had mentally labelled him as the typical kid that had decided over the weekend that he should become a punk.

Nevertheless he had joined the small group, pulling out a cigarette of his own. Sometimes it was nice to socialize with younger kids, because they tended to idolize and look up to anyone older and more hardcore than themselves, and Axel had liked getting his ego stroked back in those days. He had been eighteen, about to turn nineteen, and his life had been very close to hit rock bottom.

Sometimes Axel wondered if it wasn't for Roxas, would he still have tried to kill himself? Or would he have learned to survive, to go with the flow like Marluxia?

"_Hey, mind if I hang out here for a while? Fucking rain!" Without really waiting for an answer he joined the circle of friends, pulling off his hood. The younger kids willingly cleared a spot for him, mumbling things like "sure" and "cool" nervously._

"_You need a light?"_

_His lips curled around the filter as he looked at the little blond kid before him, holding out a lighter and looking both cocky and nervous at the same time. Axel quirked an eyebrow. "Sure."_

Talking to those kids, Axel had felt more and more drawn to Roxas. He had liked his quiet but cheeky attitude, and under all the ugly, black makeup, his eyes had been a wonderfully clear and sparkling blue. He also had a pretty nice body for his age.

When the rain let up, Axel had invited Roxas to come to a party at the abandoned warehouse where his gang usually hanged out, and then left. He hadn't really expected Roxas to show up, in fact he had almost forgot about him by Friday night, but then suddenly he had been there with one of his friends in tow.

That night had ended with Roxas being so drunk he couldn't even stand on his own, and Axel taking advantage of the situation.

The memory made Axel make a pained grimace. From beginning to end he had been such a fucking ass with Roxas, it was no wonder it had ended like it did.

The morning after the party Axel had woken up on a dirty mattress at Marluxia's place, holding the small blond in his arms. His makeup had been smeared all over his childishly rounded cheeks, and he had his sweater on inside out. Axel had felt sick when the memories of last night's bad sex flooded him, and Roxas had been even sicker when he woke up and was hit with the full force of his first hangover. He had been throwing up into Marly's nasty toilet bowl for hours.

Axel had felt so guilty and ashamed of himself that he had been shaking uncontrollably. What he had done to Roxas was much too close to how he lost his own virginity, and he didn't wish that on anybody. Well, maybe a few people… But not Roxas. He was just a kid, and even though they had been making out a lot when Roxas was still sober enough to know what he wanted, Axel doubted that he would have agreed on having sex with him. Could it even be called sex? No lube, no romance, just embarrassing, drunken fumbling…

Good thing Roxas had probably been too drunk to feel any pain, and if Axel was lucky he didn't remember any of it either.

_"You're a pig, Axel. Deal with it and in the future, stay the fuck away from kids,"_ Marly had said and handed him a handful of pills which Axel had swallowed without even asking what they were. _"Now get in there and take care of him."_

Axel had soon started to feel oddly mellow, and had done as he was told, bringing a glass of water to the young boy huddling over the toilet. It had taken about an hour to stop his heaving and sobbing, and then at least another half an hour to get him cleaned up. After that Axel had walked him home. They hadn't talked much and Axel had been intent on ignoring his feelings and following Marly's advice, but life was never that simple, was it?

Because Roxas hadn't let go of him.

"Are you coming in, or what?"

Riku's voice brought Axel back to the present, and he turned around and saw the silver-haired teen standing in the doorway, a blanket wrapped about his frame.

"Huh?"

"You've been out here forever! I want to go to sleep," Riku whined, pulling the blanket tighter to him.

"I was just thinking…" Axel looked at his cigarette and saw that it had burned all the way down to the filter. He hadn't noticed.

He was about to flip it over the railing of the balcony, but caught himself at the last moment and put it in the can instead.

"Thinking about what?" Riku asked softly, stepping out to stand beside him.

"Nothing," Axel lied. He doubted Riku would be happy to hear that he was thinking about an old ex after all their mind-blowing sex… He smirked. "Though it may have been something about your ass…"

Riku smirked right back at him. "Can't get enough, can you?"

"No way," Axel agreed, putting his arm around Riku and leading him back inside. "Was that Sora you were talking to?"

"Yeah… Guess what?" Riku looked like he was about to burst into mad giggling any second. "I found out he's still a virgin!"

Axel rolled his eyes. "Wow, I would never have guessed…" he remarked sarcastically as he crawled into bed.

"Don't be mean!" Riku said, but couldn't hold back a laugh. He snuggled in next to Axel, wrapping his arm around him and rested his head on his chest. "He's been with Kairi so long; I really thought they'd…" He paused and sighed. "I said he should try it."

"Not with _you_, I hope," Axel grumbled. He was still convinced that Riku's feelings for Sora were more than just platonic.

Oh, he wasn't an idiot, he could see that Riku was crushing on him, and not Sora, at the moment, but how long would that last? It was a depressing thought, and Axel hated to admit it, but it seemed much more likely that Riku's infatuation had sprung from the fact that Axel was the first guy that had ever given him any attention than that he actually liked Axel for who he was.

And there were still so much Riku didn't know about him… Things that Axel had no idea how he could even begin to explain. Things he didn't even want to explain. _Hey, Riku, I once raped a fourteen-year-old when he was to drunk to resist… And then I did it again._ That just wouldn't do, now would it?

Most of all he just wanted to forget about his old life and take his new one one day at a time.

"With _Kairi_, you idiot!" Riku giggled sleepily, pinching Axel's side. "I just want to be with you…"

Despite his scepticism, Axel couldn't help smiling. Riku was just too cute! He reached out his hand, ruffling his silver hair affectionately.

"Yeah… The feeling is mutual."

Riku made a happy sound and stroked his side, snuggling in even closer. Axel closed his eyes, thinking that Riku was about to fall asleep. He was really tired too.

"Axel..?"

"Hmm?"

"I was wondering…" Axel blinked his eyes open. Why this serious tone all of a sudden? "My parents have been nagging me about coming home to visit… I was thinking about going home for dinner tomorrow. Uhm… Would you like to come?"

"You want me to meet your parents?" Was he hearing this right?

"Yes?" Riku sat up on his elbow, looking down at Axel questioningly.

"Uh…" Axel didn't know what to say. "You know, your parents are probably not going to like that you're hanging out with someone like me. And I'm not really fond of having angry parents staring at me…"

"What do you mean 'someone like me'?" Riku said, frowning.

"Most people seem to spot that I'm not really a nice guy right away… You can ask them what they're thinking!" Axel spat, rolling over so that his back was facing Riku. He couldn't explain why he suddenly felt so angry.

Maybe it was just that... Riku didn't look at him and judge like nearly everyone else he had ever met. Even if he could care less if strangers on the street frowned when they saw him, it was nice to be treated like a decent human being for once. He didn't want anyone to burst Riku's bubble and point out all of Axel's obvious flaws.

"Why do you want me to meet your parents anyway?" he asked, trying hard to control his voice so it wouldn't come out sounding hostile. "They're just going to ask questions… What do I say when they ask why I moved? Where I went to school? What I've been working with? That's what parents do, you know." _Normal parents, anyway._

Axel felt Riku's hand touching his hair carefully. "You're worried what they're going to think of you?"

"I'm more worried that you'll listen when they tell you what they think of me."

To his surprise Riku chuckled. "Axel… I'm really not the type that listens to my parents! Why do you think I moved out?"

When Axel didn't say anything Riku continued, "Besides… I think they'll like you. I'll tell them you've had some rough times that you're trying to sort out, and not to ask too many questions. They'll probably think you're a good role-model for dealing with your problems, or something…"

Axel snorted, and then laughed softly. "If that's the case, they should get the award for most faulty assumption of the year…"

"I don't know…" Riku lay down again, cuddling in to Axel's back and putting an arm around him. "I think it's pretty cool to have the guts to move away and start something new… And you have to be strong to give up drugs, I'd imagine. Even this…" Riku traced a finger along the scarring on Axel's wrist. "I would have been too scared to go through with it."

"I think that's called instinct of self-preservation," Axel remarked dryly, but he was actually touched by Riku's words. It _was_ one way of looking at it, he supposed… He had always thought himself more stubborn than brave.

"What I mean is-" Riku sounded slightly annoyed and gave Axel's ear a small bite, "even if you've made mistakes, it's still cool that you're so determined and not afraid to go through with your decisions, no matter what others think. I…" Riku's voice dropped to a soft whisper. "You seem so free…"

"You know, Riku…" Axel struggled with an aching feeling in his chest, surprised at how happy it made him that Riku thought of him like that. Maybe he really did like him just for who he was? "That's probably the nicest thing anyone has _ever_ said to me. You sure you mean that?"

"I'm sure. I could go on saying nice things to you all night…" Riku whispered into his ear.

Axel smiled. "There you go with the sweet-talk again!" He wished he had something equally nice to tell Riku, but he didn't really know how to express what he felt. And saying something about his amazing looks seemed a bit shallow at the moment…

Axel frowned. What if it was really _him_ that only liked Riku because he was giving him attention? Because he was the first good thing he had come across since the start of his new life?

"How's the sweet-talk going, then?" Riku interrupted his thoughts. "Are you coming with me tomorrow?"

Axel gave up. "Okay. Just as friends, right?"

"Yeah. For now."

Axel felt a nervous flutter in his stomach and tensed. _For now?_

He could hear Riku's mouth opening and closing a few times, as if he wanted to say something more, but it never came, and Axel was thankful.

Even if he was starting to think of Riku as _his_, and even if Riku made him happy, the step from casual sex to love and relationships, seemed very big, and not that tempting to take. He wished things could just stay as they were… Being nice, flirting… No pressure. No-

"_Get the FUCK out of my face, Axel!" Tears streamed down usually soft, round cheeks as Roxas face twisted into a furious mask. "How could you? You fucking asshole!"_

_Axel grabbed the collar of the smaller boy's shirt, shaking him as Roxas tried to hit him and kick him in the shins. "Oh, I'm an asshole now? You weren't complaining yesterday when that money paid our smoking, were you, you fucking little hypocrite!" He forced a leg in between Roxas' knees to keep him still and shoved him hard against the wall. "Where the hell do you think the money's coming from anyway? Not from you that's for sure!"_

"_Axel, let me GO!" Roxas sounded scared as he screamed and struggled to get out of Axel's grip._

"_No, you fucking listen to me! Do you think I enjoyed screwing that old geezer? I did that for you, Rox, because you're always nagging me for MORE; do I look like I'm fucking rich?"_

"_I'm… I'm SORRY!" Roxas was crying so hard it was getting difficult to hear what he was saying. "I don't…" Sobbing. "I want you…" More sobbing. "Don't DO that anymore, I don't care about the drugs! I hate it when you're with someone else…"_

_Finally he was saying what Axel wanted to hear, and his rage started to die down. He kissed Roxas, tasting salty tears on his lips, and Roxas kissed him back._

"_You know I love you, Rox… No one else."_

"_I love you too…"_

_Axel kissed Roxas again, cutting him off, and began tearing at his clothes. For some reason, sex with Roxas was never very good, but Axel always wanted him anyway._

Axel pressed his eyes closed, forcing the memory to go away. He hated it when those images would pop up so vividly, reminding him how completely messed up everything had been. How he had scared or forced Roxas into things he wasn't ready for. The only thing that could be said to his defence was that he hadn't understood what he was doing, but Axel didn't think that was a very good excuse. After all he knew first hand what it was like to be young and naïve and being pushed into things you couldn't handle.

He should have known better.

"What's wrong?" Riku whispered worriedly, squeezing Axel a little tighter to him. "You're all tense… If you really don't want to go, I won't make you."

"No, I'm fine…" Axel tried to relax and leaned into Riku's embrace. He had almost forgotten what they were talking about. "Even if your folks hate me, I'll still get free dinner, right?"

"Yeah…" Riku giggled and placed a few sloppy kisses on his neck. "So long as you don't try and pull something like that time we went to the restaurant, I think you'll be fine!"

"You mean you'll be fine…" Axel snorted. "Rob me of all the fun, why don't you!"

Riku bit his neck lightly. "If you behave, I'll show some real fun afterwards…"

Well, who could say no to that? Axel chuckled and turned his head so he could see Riku behind him out of the corner of his eye.

"In that case, I'll try to be a good boy," he said, smirking. Riku only smiled mysteriously and closed his eyes, soon drifting off into sleep.

Axel turned back, also trying to fall asleep, but his thoughts wouldn't give him any peace. That "for now" comment was bothering him. What would happen if Riku really wanted them to be more than friends? If Axel said no, Riku probably wouldn't be very keen on continuing like they were now. Things would turn sour and Axel would end up hurting him, not to mention hurting himself. He _really_ didn't want to lose Riku.

If he said yes… Would it be so bad? All of Axel's instincts screamed yes, but what if they were wrong? He was changed now, since his brush with death. Things wouldn't have to end up like with Roxas… Riku was not a kid; he wouldn't let Axel treat him like that.

And he really liked Riku. It wasn't like that all-consuming, bordering-on-obsession kind of love he had felt for Roxas, but Axel considered that a good thing.

He didn't ever want to feel like that again. It had been so destructive… Which was exactly why he wanted to stay away from any serious commitment and keep things light and simple. He groaned as his thoughts came full circle and he was back where he started. Yes or no.

It would end in misery either way, wouldn't it?

Axel decided that he really didn't have much other choice than hanging on to the ride and hope for the best.

And he hoped he would never have to look Roxas in the eyes again.

X

_Author's notes:_

_Another long wait for you guys… Sorry for that, you're all so completely awesome and deserve better! Big hugs!_

_I'm glad so many people liked the last chapter, I felt really bad about it. Now I'm feeling bad about this one instead, lol! At least you found out some things about Axel's past, huh?_


	8. I don't think so, I'm gay

**I don't think so, I'm gay**

X

Riku groaned as he woke up to the alarm. He hated Monday mornings when you knew you still had the whole, long school week before you and the weekend seemed light-years away. There was no point in slacking in bed though, because then he wouldn't have time to fix his hair, and he hated it even more when he had to walk around looking like a haystack the whole day. Leave that to Sora.

He sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and rubbed at his eyes, then quickly got up. Entering the bathroom, he could hear the sound of running water coming from the apartment next door. So Axel was just home from work! Apparently he was in a good mood too, because Riku could also hear faint singing from the other side of the wall.

He smiled widely, immediately feeling much better about today. Everything felt so much easier when he thought of Axel, it was strange really… Or maybe not so strange.

Riku looked at his reflection grinning at him in the mirror and was almost surprised to see it. He would usually look tired and grumpy in the mornings, not like this; like he actually enjoyed living… No wonder people noticed the change.

He took a deep breath, his grin fading to an almost shy-looking smile before his eyes. "I think I'm in love," he told his reflection out loud, and in his heart he knew it was true.

He was glad the dinner with his parents yesterday had gone relatively well. It would probably be much easier to tell them he had a boyfriend if they already knew who it was, and had seen that he was a decent guy. He smiled. Somehow the word "decent" didn't seem to fit in conjuncture with Axel. And technically Axel wasn't his boyfriend yet, but Riku intended to make it so. _When I come out…_

Maybe his parents already suspected something? After all, Axel wasn't exactly shy about the fact that he liked other guys. "I don't think so, I'm gay," he had answered with a shrug and a smile when Riku's mom had talked some rubbish about finding a nice girlfriend on the islands. Riku had almost spurted his mouthful of papou juice all over the table at that announcement. He had thought that Axel would at least try to be subtle! His parents had looked mildly shocked and embarrassed, but there had been no drama. They had probably been too surprised to know how to react.

"Well… maybe a nice island _boy_, then," his mom had tried to joke lamely after a few moments of silence, looking like she was about to shit herself.

"That's more like it," Axel had agreed perfectly calm, and Riku was eternally grateful that he had avoided looking at him when he said that.

Still, he would be surprised if his parents weren't wondering about why he spent so much time with his gay neighbour and even brought him home for dinner… Maybe it was good if they had already caught on before he told them, so it wouldn't just come out of the blue. He hoped so. He so desperately wanted them to accept him.

Apart from the fact that it would hurt a lot if they were disappointed or disgusted with him, his parents could really mess up his life if they wanted to. All they needed to do was to stop paying for his apartment, and he would have nowhere to go. He would _not_ move back home, there was just no way that was going to happen. Maybe they wouldn't even want him to.

Suddenly feeling his heart sinking, Riku stared at his now unsmiling face in the mirror. It was so _unfair_. Other people got together all the time, and everyone was so happy for them. Why should he have to worry so much about what people thought about the best thing that had ever happened to him?

At least Sora was okay with it… somewhat. And Kairi too, he had said. That was something. More than something. Riku was still amazed with how Sora tried to deal with his obvious discomfort just for his sake… It was pretty mind-blowing, really; when you thought someone didn't care about you at all, and then you were suddenly faced with rather glaring evidence of the opposite.

_Sora…_ What Riku had done to deserve such a friend, he did not understand.

Riku rubbed at his eyes and sighed when he felt a tear roll down his cheek. Damn these mood swings! Normally he tried to keep a lid on his feelings, but lately they were just running rampant, impossible to bottle up. It felt weird being so emotional…

He wondered if Axel was also feeling like this. Somehow he doubted it, but it was hard to tell. Axel _seemed_ like he was very open with his feelings, but watching him interact with his parents had made Riku realize that he was actually quite good at avoiding uncomfortable subjects (uncomfortable subjects being anything that had to do with his past). It was only when he was cornered he would get mad and lash out; at all other times he kept up a calm, carefree attitude.

Riku had had to step in a few times and ask his parents to go easy with the questions to keep Axel from blowing up, but most of the time Axel had managed by himself to lead the conversation onto another track before it got out of his comfort zone.

Riku wondered how often Axel manipulated _him_ like that. He would have to pay more attention to catch it in the future.

X

Some forty minutes later, when Riku had finished his mourning routine, he left his apartment and went over to knock on Axel's door. The redhead opened, wearing just a couple of black boxers and that ragged, old tank top that seemed to be his favourite piece of clothing. His hair was still wet from showering, making it look darker than it really was, almost crimson… Some loose tresses clung to his face and neck.

Riku felt his knees go weak. Axel was just so… _hot_. Riku couldn't believe how he didn't see it from the beginning.

"Hey," he greeted and hated how breathless his voice sounded. "How was work? You look tired." He did. Those normally sharp and alert eyes seemed to have trouble staying open.

"No shit," Axel replied, sounding somewhat grouchy. "I've been up all night!"

"I heard you sing in the shower, so it can't have been that bad," Riku commented, giving Axel a smile that he hoped would cheer him up. "Can I come in?"

Axel chuckled and waved his hand in some indecipherable gesture, then disappeared into his apartment, leaving the door open. Riku followed him to where he had dropped down on the bed and sat down next to him.

"So how was it?" he insisted.

"Fine… Lots of dusting and floor-mopping, not exactly exciting. My back hurts." Axel buried his face in the pillow so Riku couldn't hear the rest of what he was saying, because of how muffled it came out. He reached out a hand and ran it through Axel's wet hair.

"Want me to give you a back rub?"

"Oh, fuck _yes!_" Axel looked up, looking almost comically grateful and wrenched off his tank top. Riku laughed and straddled Axel's thighs as he stretched out on his belly.

"Where does it hurt?" he asked softly, running his hands down Axel's spine all the way down to the small of his back, where fine, coppery hair disappeared in under the hem of his boxers. _Hot…_

"Right there…" Axel groaned.

Riku got to work, first just gently stroking and then moving over to more forceful kneading; enjoying all the small, sexy noises Axel was giving out.

"If your work is heavy, it would probably do you good if you started working out," Riku suggested. "You could come with me to the gym."

"Me in the gym? Are you serious?" Axel snorted. "I'll just have to hold out this week, then I'll get to work by myself without a supervisor and can start slacking off."

"Impressive work ethics you've got there…" Riku murmured, rolling his eyes. "Watch it so you don't get fired."

"Don't you worry; I'll still do what I'm supposed to… I just won't be completely anal about it! You should see this woman I'm working with; what a freak! She cleans the toilets like she's planning to eat from them…"

Riku laughed, suddenly getting a very comical image in his head of Axel and a neat, little cleaning lady at each other's throats.

"I'm sure you're giving her a handful."

Axel chuckled. "Probably… She was starting to look pretty tired after a while."

Riku smiled. He could imagine…

"Speaking of work ethics…" Axel continued, "don't you have school?"

"Yeah…" Riku sighed and ran his hands over the smooth skin of Axel's sides. He was building up quite an erection, and he made sure Axel noticed by pressing it against his ass. "Should I skip?"

Axel chuckled. "I'm too tired for that… And education is important."

Riku snorted and rolled his eyes. "You don't even _have_ an education!" He pressed his knuckles hard into Axel's back.

"Oww! Exactly… Look at me now, mopping floors with a broken back."

Riku laughed and leaned over Axel, pressing his body against him. "Just a quickie?" he whispered, grinding his hips into Axel's ass.

"But I just showered!" Axel was whining, but Riku didn't miss the slightly breathy tone of his voice. "If I give you a blowjob, will you leave and let me sleep?"

"Uhh… Sure!" Riku grinned and rolled off Axel. He really hadn't expected to be getting any, but he wasn't going to pass up the opportunity. Just thinking about being with Axel made him so hard… He was hard a lot lately. How had he even managed before Axel? "But you don't really have to…"

Axel sat up and smiled at him, starting to unbuckle his belt and unzip his pants. "It was a nice massage," he said and touched the bulge in Riku's underwear. "And you won't be able to concentrate in school with _this_, anyway."

Riku nodded and closed his eyes. "It's for a noble cause," he agreed.

Axel chuckled and Riku felt how his pants and boxers were tugged down to his knees. Being exposed like that while he still had his shirt on made him feel strangely vulnerable, but Riku had come to realize that he really liked that sensation… Before Axel even had time to touch him, he whimpered softly.

Then Axel's mouth covered him in tight, moist heat and he gasped for breath. That always felt so incredibly good… And even better when Axel slid his mouth down his length. Riku moaned his lover's name and tangled his hands in his damp hair, already losing himself to the intense feelings of pleasure coming from between his legs.

Axel seemed intent on getting him off as fast as possible, because the slow, teasing licks and kisses he was used to being tortured with, very soon turned into hard, fast sucking.

Then Axel did that thing with his tongue that felt so fucking good… Riku begged for him to go slower, but was ignored. He tried to hold back, but after a while it was just impossible; his cock twitching wildly as his orgasm washed over him like a burning wave, making the world go blank around him for a short moment. The feeling was so intense, he couldn't help thrusting his hips up and showing himself down Axel's throat as he exploded into his mouth.

"Whoa!" Axel spit him out and coughed, and when Riku opened his eyes he saw his sperm dribbling down an annoyed-looking Axel's chin. He grinned despite feeling a little sorry for him. That probably hadn't been very pleasant… It still looked funny, though.

"You look good in a beard…"

Axel snarled and pounced on him. "Shut up, you little fucker, I nearly choked!" With a wicked grin, he bent down and pressed his lips to Riku's, forcing a kiss on him. Riku tried to struggle, but Axel held his head with both hands and slipped his tongue (along with a good amount of cum) into his mouth when he made the mistake of opening it to protest. Riku gave up and kissed him back, feeling the bitter taste of himself on the back of his tongue.

Soon they both broke down into giggling, and Axel pulled away, his green eyes glittering.

"That was _disgusting!_" Riku laughed and wiped at his mouth.

"Yeah…" Axel grinned. "But kind of hot…"

They kissed again.

X

"Is he in there?" Kairi unsuccessfully tried to peek over Sora's shoulder through the glass window of the door to Riku's biology classroom.

"Yep, there on the front row…" Sora waved to him, but apparently wasn't noticed, because he sighed and turned around. "He's just staring off into space."

Kairi just shrugged and went to sit on a bench standing at the side of the corridor opposite to the classroom. "We'll just have to wait for him, then." She patted the seat beside her, and Sora also moved over and sat down. They were alone in the hallway; all other students still in class or already at lunch. Riku's lesson should end soon.

Kairi had convinced Sora they should go and wait for him, so they could get a word with him in private before everyone gathered in the cafeteria for lunch. She was just dying to hear everything about this guy Riku had met. Trying to get any information out of Sora was hopeless; he would just blush and mumble something incoherent… Kairi shook her head to herself. No way would she react this childishly if let's say Selphie would come out and reveal that she liked girls!

Maybe Selphie was a bad example though; it was pretty obvious she was crazy about boys…

"Riku's mom called me yesterday," Sora said suddenly.

"His mom?" Kairi turned to look at Sora. "What did she want?"

"She wanted to know about Axel… Apparently Riku brought him home to his parents for lunch." Sora sighed heavily and Kairi noticed how tired he was looking, with dark shadows under his eyes, and she felt a little sorry for him. She reached for his hand, clasping it in her smaller ones.

"What did she want to know?"

"She wondered if I had met him… What he was like and how much time Riku spends with him." Sora sighed again. "I think she suspects something."

"Sounds like it…" Kairi frowned. She hoped Riku's parents would be okay with him being gay once it came out. That family didn't need any more problems.

There had always been friction between Riku and his parents, with him being strong-willed and stubborn to the point of stupidity, and his parents not very much better. It wasn't that they were bad parents, or that Riku was a bad son; they just seemed to grate on each other's nerves. Very often Sora had had to serve as a link between them, helping them understand each other.

"What did you say?" she asked Sora.

"I said I was over at Axel's place with Riku on Saturday… That we played videogames and drank beer." Sora bit his lip and looked at Kairi pleadingly. "I said he seemed nice enough and that Riku usually hang out with him after school… I don't know, Kairi, I got so nervous! I hate lying!"

"That wasn't a lie though, was it?"

"No…" Sora looked down. "But then she asked me if I knew Axel was 'a homo' and if I was sure there was nothing fishy going on. I said they were just friends and that if Riku had no problem with homos they should be proud of him for being so tolerant."

Kairi giggled. "You actually said that? Wow, Sora, now I'm proud of you! I hope she got the hint…"

Sora smiled sheepishly and shrugged. "I just don't like it when his mom tries to get _me_ to rat him out instead of just talking to him."

"Yeah." Kairi nodded thoughtfully. "But you know Riku; he never tells his parents anything."

"Tell me about it…" Sora rubbed at his head with his free hand. "Though if he brought Axel home, he _is_ probably planning to tell them. He's really head over heels with that guy…"

Sora sounded exasperated, but Kairi couldn't help giving out a small squeal. It was just so cute that love could soften even a cocky, old grump like Riku! And this kind of "forbidden love" was just so romantic… She smiled innocently as Sora glared at her. _He_ was definitely not as sold on the concept…

"I don't get why you're so thrilled about Riku hooking up with a guy," he said, a slight annoyance in his voice. "One you haven't even met, at that… I actually think Riku's mom has good reason to be worried."

"I thought you just said Axel was nice," Kairi answered frowning.

"Yeah, so far…" Sora had a sullen look on his face, and Kairi rolled her eyes. You could think he was jealous from the way he was sulking over this! "…But you can practically _smell_ he's trouble, and even Riku thinks he has a bad temper!"

"I think you're overreacting," she told Sora. "Riku can take care of himself."

"Maybe." Sora wriggled his hand free of hers and crossed his arms, leaning back against the wall, an unhappy look on his face. "I just don't know anymore…"

Kairi didn't answer. It was useless trying to reason with Sora when he got like this… Not that it happened very often, thank the heavens. Sora could be such a baby!

"You should tell Riku his mom is asking questions," she said instead.

"I will."

They waited in silence for Riku's class to end after that; Sora staring out in the air at nothing and Kairi texting Selphie that they would meet her soon in the cafeteria. Luckily it wasn't long until the classroom door opened, and both Kairi and Sora perked up, trying to spot a glimpse of Riku's silver head among the hordes of bored students spilling out of it.

X

"Hey man, class is over!"

"Huh?" Riku snapped back into reality as Tidus waved his hand in front of his face. Looking around he saw his other classmates already beginning to file out of the classroom and their teacher packing his notes into his briefcase. _Oh fuck._ He had been spacing out the whole morning, not paying attention to anything. _Again._

He laughed nervously. "Ehm… I was lost in space, I guess."

Tidus smirked in his annoyingly cheerful and knowing way. "Uh-huh... Bet you were daydreaming about your _secret crush_, huh?" he whispered rather loud and indiscreetly.

"There is no secret crush," Riku replied automatically, and stood up gathering his books. He knew that answer wouldn't fool Tidus, but it was all he got. At least he wasn't blushing this time… Maybe he should have been, because he had indeed been thinking about Axel, wishing he was at home beside him in bed. No news there, he was _always_ thinking about Axel.

His homework had really been suffering during the last week, and he had promised himself to try and concentrate more on school this week, but apparently it was futile. It was like there wasn't room for anything else than Axel in his mind.

"You're so full of shit, Riku!" Tidus laughed and poked him. "Come ooon! Who is it?"

"No one." Riku started to walk towards the door, but Tidus persisted.

"Who do you think you're fooling? It's so obvious the way you sit and dream away like some fairy princess-"

"If you ever call me a 'fairy princess' again, I'll punch your teeth in," Riku promised darkly. Tidus just laughed.

"You know, I'm starting to think it's one ugly chick you've fallen for since you're so embarrassed about it…"

"It's not an ugly chick," Riku answered honestly (for once), rolling his eyes and hurrying out the door to get away. He could have sworn that even the freaking teacher had been snickering! Tidus was such a pain in the ass! Riku wondered what he would say if he told him the truth. It would probably wipe that smirk right off his face; that was for sure.

"Good to know." Tidus laid a hand on his shoulder. "You can do better than some swamp monster, you know…" Riku's eye twitched. Was he trying to give him some kind of feel-good talk in the middle of everything? At this rate, Tidus was rapidly passing Selphie on his most-annoying-people-I-know list. At least Selphie was actually nice sometimes. And not disturbingly handsome, like Tidus…

Not that there was anything wrong with Selphie's looks or that Riku would _ever_ want to do anything with Tidus…

At the sound of familiar giggling, Riku looked up and saw Kairi and Sora sitting on a bench at the opposite wall of the corridor.

"I think you should drop the subject, Tidus," Kairi said with a wide smile. "Riku looks like he's very close to murdering you!"

"Aww, he always looks like that," Tidus said cheerfully and ruffled Riku's hair. _That was IT!_ "…Well, except when he looks like a fairy princess, dreaming of love…" Tidus fluttered his eyelashes and then laughed madly and ducked when Riku tried to hit him. Riku had half a mind to follow him and beat the snot out of him when he quickly darted away down the corridor to put some safe distance between them, but Kairi stopped him.

"Don't care about him," she said, getting up off the bench and walking up to Riku, hooking her arm with his. "He's always such a tease! Come and have lunch with us." She nodded her head towards Sora. "We waited for you!"

Riku looked down at her suspiciously. They never used to wait outside his classroom. "You just want a chance to interrogate me, don't you?"

Kairi rolled her pretty violet eyes. "Well, I am _curious_ if that's what you mean…" Then her face cracked up in an excited grin, and she continued whispering, "I think it's so great that you met someone! And it's a _guy!_" She giggled ecstatically. "I want to know everything!"

"Keep your voice down," Riku hissed nervously, but couldn't help a smile from spreading over his lips. It seemed Sora was right when he said she didn't mind… He flashed him a quick smile, then turned back to Kairi. "I'll tell you later, I don't want to talk in the corridor…"

"Okay!" Kairi giggled again and looked at him with glittering eyes that showed nothing but happiness. Riku could only stare, totally unprepared for such an all-out accepting attitude. She really thought it was okay that he was… what he was. Maybe it really wasn't such a big deal? He felt his eyes starting to sting from an intense feeling of relief rising in his chest. Again these weird emotions…

"Let's have lunch," he finally managed to get out, and they started walking towards the cafeteria, Kairi still hanging on to his arm and Sora joining them to walk at his other side.

"I should warn you," Sora said to Riku, sounding tired, "she now thinks she can cuddle you all she wants because I _won't have a reason to get jealous_." He said the last part raising his voice to a girly pitch, and glared mildly at Kairi, who just stuck her tongue out at him and clung tighter to Riku's arm. "Where's the logic in that? She still likes guys!"

Riku laughed at Sora's pout and winked. "There's no need to be jealous, Sora. You can cuddle me too if you want…"

"Oh, that is _so_ funny, Riku!" Sora snapped angrily and crossed his arms over his chest, but both Riku and Kairi laughed as his cheeks betrayed him by turning pink.

"Isn't he adorable?" Kairi giggled, nudging Riku's side.

"Yeah," Riku agreed, sharing a conspiratory look with Kairi, and chuckled as Sora's blush intensified.

"You know," he said indignantly, refusing to look them in the eyes, "I think I'll let you two enjoy your _girl-talk_ alone, I'm catching up with Tidus. See you at the cafeteria." With that he quickened his pace, swiftly leaving Riku and Kairi behind in the corridor.

Riku felt a little stupid. Sora hadn't seemed _really_ upset, but maybe he shouldn't tease him like that… He hoped Sora knew he was only joking. Well, _mostly_ anyway…

"Don't worry about him, his head is just a little thick," Kairi assured him and patted his arm, as if she was sensing what he was thinking. "He'll be just fine… I'll make sure of it."

Riku laughed. Sometimes Kairi sounded more like she was Sora's _mother_ than his girlfriend… Couldn't blame her for that, Riku sometimes felt like he was Sora's mother himself…

"Thanks, Kairi," he said, and added when she looked at him questioningly, "For being so cool with this… It means a lot."

"Don't mention it…" Kairi smiled and then suddenly looked a little embarrassed. "I'm just glad you're not into Sora; I mean, I wouldn't want to have you as a rival…" She eyed him up and down suggestively and Riku rolled his eyes.

"I don't think my chances with Sora would be that big," Riku answered dryly. "He's all yours."

Kairi nodded, looking smug. "That he is."

Just a little more than a week ago, a comment like that would probably have made Riku very upset, knowing that Kairi had what he could never get. Now there was only a faint sting in his heart, and he suppressed it quite easily. Things were working out…

He smiled faintly at Kairi.

X

"What's up with them?" Tidus asked when Sora caught up with him further down the hallway, and pointed with his thumb towards Riku and Kairi, walking arm in arm.

"They're being insufferably girly," Sora answered shortly, not bothering to explain himself. Tidus frowned, probably wondering why he looked so flustered. Then his eyes lit up with realization.

"Are they talking about his secret crush?"

"Probably." _Or about my god-damned ass! _He blushed deeper. His best friend and his girlfriend teaming up on him, watching him like that… It was highly disturbing!

"Why did you leave? Don't you want to know who it is?" Tidus asked incredulously.

"I already know," Sora said and enjoyed the sight of how Tidus mouth fell open in shock.

"He told you? Damn!" Tidus threw his hands up, looking defeated. "You have _no idea_ how I've been nagging him to tell me! He's like… like a _clam!_"

Sora chuckled. "I had to beat him at Tekken to get it out of him," he confessed.

Tidus nodded thoughtfully. "Good strategy." The he turned to Sora, watching him eagerly. "So, who is it?"

"Sorry, can't tell you. You'll have to ask the clam."

Tidus pouted. "Dude… No one ever tells me anything!"

"You don't want to know anyway…" Sora said, slinging a friendly arm over Tidus shoulders. Being out of the loop was never fun. "Once he gets started he never shuts up about it; it's really annoying! Just look at them!" He glanced back over his shoulder. Kairi was still clinging to Riku's arm, and they were whispering about something, their heads close together. They looked like total dorks.

Tidus also looked back, and sighed longingly. "I want to girl-talk too!"

Sora rolled his eyes. Sometimes he really wondered if Tidus wasn't a little addled in the head… "No, you don't."

Tidus watched him, an eyebrow raised in curiosity. "You know, you're being a little weird… Just last week you were as curious as everyone else about this!" A sly look appeared on his face and he continued, "You're not _jealous_, are you?"

Sora frowned and turned his face to watch Tidus back. "What do you mean? I know Kairi doesn't _really_ like Riku like that…"

It was Tidus turn to roll his eyes. "Jealous of Riku's secret crush, I meant!"

"What?" Sora stopped dead and stared at Tidus, who just shrugged.

"No offence, man, I know you're with Kairi. It's just that you've always seemed a bit gay for him." Sora blinked. There was not a trace of joking in Tidus' blue eyes, and Sora didn't know whether he should laugh or cry at the irony of it all.

"Tidus, you are a complete idiot, do you know that?"

Tidus shrugged again, looking as happy as ever. "People keep telling me that… But I know when I'm right."

Sora could only stare at him.

X

To Riku's great relief the conversation during lunch for once did not revolve solely around him and his "secret crush". When he and Kairi had arrived at the cafeteria, Tidus, Selphie, Wakka and Sora was already sitting at a table with their lunches, eagerly discussing Selphie's upcoming birthday.

"My parents are going away this weekend, just so I can have the house to myself and throw a party!" the short, brown-haired girl explained to Kairi and Riku as they joined the group at the table with their lunch trays. "Isn't that cool? I'm going to invite everyone!"

Riku politely agreed that it was great, not really caring that much, but Kairi squealed and clapped her hands, immediately entering party-planning mode as she sat down beside Selphie and started discussing who should be invited.

Sora snorted. "I'm pretty sure your parents didn't mean you could invite half the school," he said to Selphie, picking at his food. He seemed upset with something, Riku noticed as he settled beside him. He hoped it wasn't with him.

"Duuuh!" Selphie said and tapped Sora's head with her fork. "_Of course_ they didn't mean that… But what they don't know won't hurt them, alright?"

"Hey! Don't put food in my hair!" Sora glared at Selphie while raking his hands through his mess of brown locks. Selphie just ignored him and turned to Kairi again.

"I think you got a piece of salad there," Riku said to Sora, reaching into his hair and removing it for him. For some reason that made Sora blush and Tidus snicker.

Riku frowned. "What?"

"Nothing!" Sora muttered, obviously flustered and stabbed at his peas, avoiding Riku's eyes.

"Whatever." Riku concentrated on his food, a little annoyed with Sora. If he thought Riku was flirting with him or something, just because he picked salad out of his hair, he was just stupid. He decided to listen to what Kairi and Selphie were saying, since both Sora and Tidus seemed incapable of normal conversation, and Wakka was, as always, too busy eating.

"Do you think Keiko will come if I invite him?" Selphie was just asking Kairi loud enough for the entire table to hear, and even loud enough to be heard a few tables away, where Keiko just so happened to be sitting… "He's sooo hot!"

"Keiko? I didn't know you like him!" Kairi giggled in a much quieter tone and glanced over at his table, where Keiko seemed to be doing his best to ignore them. "You don't know until you try, I guess…"

"Who doesn't like him?" Selphie had gotten a dreamy look on her face. "His eyes are just _so_…" She gave out a loud sigh. "And those abs!" Suddenly her gaze flitted over to Riku, who did not want to know what _that_ train of thought had looked like. "You're coming, aren't you Riku?" She gave him a teasing smile. "You can bring a date…"

Riku rolled his eyes. "Do I have a choice?"

Kairi spoke up, sounding a little _too_ innocent. "Why don't you ask that guy that moved in next to you to come, Riku? Wouldn't he want too meet some people around here?" She smiled sweetly and Riku glared at her. Selphie nodded enthusiastically.

"Yeah, bring him! We never meet any new people around here… What was his name again? Is he hot? He must bring me a present!"

Riku frowned, and he saw Kairi trying hard to suppress a giggle. "His name is Axel," he said, trying to sound calm. It wasn't like Axel would be interested in Selphie anyway. "I guess I could ask him."

"You do that. We _can't wait_ to meet him!" Kairi winked at him, and then the conversation thankfully moved on.

X

"Riiiku! Riku, wait up!"

Hearing his name being called out, Riku turned and saw Sora running towards him over the schoolyard, clutching the strap of his backpack with one hand and waving the other one in the air wildly. He stopped and waited for his friend to catch up with him, wondering what was up. Kairi was nowhere in sight.

"I almost missed you…" Sora wheezed out of breath when he stopped in front of Riku. "I've been waiting for an hour! I was about to fall asleep…"

"You could have texted me and told me we were supposed to meet," Riku answered with a slight smirk. Sora never thought about the obvious.

"Uhh, yeah… I guess I could have…" Sora looked embarrassed and scratched the back of his head. Riku rolled his eyes, but smiled affectionately at Sora a moment later.

"You're such a dufus…"

"At least my butt is cute," Sora countered, sticking his nose in the air. He didn't quite manage to pull off that comment, as his ears were turning red, but Riku gave out a surprised laugh anyway. It was a good sign if Sora could joke about things. Riku felt something warm wrap around his heart.

Maybe that weirdness at lunch had been about something else.

"Right," he agreed, giving Sora a small wink. "So what's up?"

"Well…" Sora smiled apologetically. "We got this _huge_ math assignment for tomorrow, and I was wondering if you could help me out? If you don't have other plans…" His gaze flickered away to study the flower arrangements by the side of the road, and his ears turned an even darker shade of red.

_Other plans, huh?_ Riku wanted nothing more than to go over to Axel's and return the favour from this morning, but… Sora was really horrible with math; it was like the part of the brain dealing with stuff like that was just missing on him. It would just be cruel to leave him alone with it…

"Can't Kairi help you?" he asked.

"No… She went downtown with Selphie. They're going to shop and plan for the party…" Sora looked at Riku desperately. "Pleeease, Riku!"

Riku sighed. Axel was probably still sleeping anyway, and his own homework sorely needed some attention… Plus Sora's wounded puppy look was really convincing today.

"Fine," he said. "But you owe me one!"

"Thank you!" Sora beamed at him, and suddenly Riku had his slim arms wrapped around him as the smaller boy hugged him gratefully. Before he had time to enjoy it, Sora seemed to realize what he was doing and broke loose, his face flushing furiously. "Uhm… I mean, great…"

Well, that was awkward…

Deciding it was probably best to just pretend like nothing had happened; Riku shrugged and gestured towards the parking lot.

"Let's go. I was late, so I took the car here this morning… It's over there."

"Okay." Sora fell into step with him as he started walking towards the car, taking a short cut over the neatly trimmed lawn that cut the parking lot off from the school yard. They were both silent; Riku despairing a little over the way Sora had freaked out on him and Sora just looking like he was fighting to get his blush under control.

Riku wondered what the hell he was so scared of. All of his life, Riku had applied the look-don't-touch principle regarding Sora; it wasn't like he was going to try anything _now_, especially when he had finally found someone who actually liked him back.

At least it wasn't like Sora was trying to avoid him… It was a little curious. Riku couldn't even remember the last time Sora had waited for him after school, or outside his classroom at lunch (although Kairi was probably behind that one). Hopefully it meant everything would be alright once Sora had come to terms with the fact that his best friend was gay…

Arriving at his car, Riku placed his keys in the lock and cast a mischievous glance at Sora. "Should I try to set a new speed record?"

He noted with satisfaction how Sora's eyes brightened, giving him the exact reaction he had been hoping for. They both knew it was irresponsible, but there was just something about speeding along a sunlit road that made you feel so alive. Not that Riku's car was terribly fast, or something… It was old and had been very cheap, which had been the main reason Riku bought it.

"What's the old record?" Sora asked expectantly, running around to the passenger seat door.

"5.48… I was really late that morning!" He turned the key, unlocking the doors, and they got in the car, strapping themselves up in the seats while exchanging happy grins.

Riku didn't beat the record today; there was too much traffic to drive fast through town. However, on the only longer stretch of straight road between the school and his home, he had been able to push the pedal to the metal, making Sora squeal in delight. For a short time everything had been normal and just right, all awkwardness forgotten.

"What's Axel doing today?" Sora asked as they climbed the stairs to reach Riku's apartment.

"Sleeping, I think," Riku said shrugging. "He got a night job and was home from his first shift this morning."

"Oh." Sora nodded to himself. "I heard you took him home to visit your parents yesterday."

Riku stopped, furrowing his brow. "How did you know that?"

"Your mom called me…" Sora shrugged apologetically.

Riku could not believe what he was hearing. "She _still_ does that?"

"Not very often…"

"What's wrong with that woman?" Riku was angry. He had always hated when his mother did that, but now he was worried as well. Not worried that Sora would have told her something he shouldn't; he never did, but worried what she thought if she was starting to have suspicions… "Was she asking about Axel?"

Sora nodded. "Yeah… If I had met him, what he was like and how often you hang out with him; stuff like that. Sounds like she's onto you…"

"I had expected that… Axel isn't the most subtle guy." Riku chuckled weakly. _I don't think so, I'm gay. _"Did you get an idea of what she was thinking about it?"

Sora shook his head. "Not really… I just thought you should know. And I didn't tell her anything, uh… _compromising._"

Riku smiled. "I know you didn't. Thanks."

Sora smiled back.

They arrived at Riku's door and entered, Sora immediately kicking off his shoes and taking a seat in Riku's couch, where he started to unload his books from his backpack onto the coffee table. Riku followed his example, and soon there was a veritable mountain of books and papers covering the table.

Sora groaned and leaned back on the sofa, watching the piles of homework with a discouraged look on his face.

"Maybe we should play some Tekken first?"

Riku had to agree that was a very tempting idea, but he knew himself and Sora well enough to know there would be no homework done if they got into a Tekken match.

"I think we should get some work done first," he sighed. Then he smirked. "After that I'll be glad to kick your cute little ass all you want!"

Sora snorted and opened his math book, not blushing at the cute ass remark this time. "Keep dreaming, Riku. Remember what happened last time?"

"Yeah, you beat me _one_ time! Nothing to be very cocky about, is it?" Riku poked Sora's side, making him squirm and give out a small giggle.

"It was the one time that mattered!"

Riku guessed Sora was right about that, so he stopped tickling him with a slight chuckle, and looked at the page Sora had flipped ahead to. Trigonometry. He had been studying that last year, but to be honest he didn't remember much of it. Curves and triangles, sine and cosine…

It was going to be a long afternoon.

"So what's your assignment?" Riku asked. "I don't remember much of this, but I guess I can read up on it…"

"Uhm…" Sora grinned sheepishly. "Uh, just to understand this, I think?"

Riku looked at Sora suspiciously. "There is no assignment, is there? You're just behind schedule again."

"Yeah…" Sora blushed slightly. "We've been working with this for three weeks, but I don't get any of it! And next week we're supposed to start on a new chapter."

Oh, so Riku was supposed to get Sora to catch up on three weeks of trigonometry studies in one night? A long afternoon, indeed… He sighed and looked at Sora tiredly.

"What is it with you and math?"

Surprisingly, once they got into it, it wasn't so boring. They read the explanations and definitions at the start of the trigonometry chapter together, and Riku showed Sora how he was supposed to solve the first problems.

Maybe the lack of boringness had something to do with how close they were sitting; their thighs brushing against each other and their heads almost touching. Sora seemed too busy concentrating on the math to realize just how cosy it was getting, but Riku was very aware of the situation, and couldn't help liking it. It just felt natural being close to Sora, watching his cute frown and how he bit the end of his pen when he was thinking.

Was it wrong of him to like Sora so much that even trigonometry studies became nice in his company? He could easily imagine Axel's frown if he would have seen them sitting like this (it certainly wouldn't be cute!), and he sighed, grabbed his biology book and scooted away from Sora to lean back on the couch.

"I think you're doing fine on your own now," he said when Sora glanced at him questioningly. "I have a lot to catch up on too, but just tell me if you need any more help."

Sora smiled. "Okay! This is so much easier when you explain it; you should be a teacher, you know!"

Riku smiled back, raising an eyebrow. "A teacher?" He had a very hard time imagining himself trying to keep an entire classroom of bratty kids under control. And an even harder time imagining himself spending his whole life in school...

Sora just nodded happily. "Yeah! 'Mr Watanabe!' It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

Riku chuckled and shook his head, flipping the pages of his biology book until he found the chapter he was supposed to have read last week.

They got about half an hour of uninterrupted study time before the doorbell rang, and made Riku look up from his book. Figuring it must be Axel, he got up and answered the door, unable to hold back his smile as it turned out he had guessed right.

Axel smiled back, looking much more alert than earlier in the morning. "Hey, what are you up to?"

"Hey…" Riku noticed his voice was sounding breathless again. "Uhh… I'm helping Sora out with some math problems and trying to catch up with some of my on stuff. I didn't get much homework done last week…"

Axel smirked at the last sentence, but then looked serious. "So I should leave you alone?"

"Well…" Riku hesitated. He didn't want Axel to leave, but he had promised to help Sora out. "We're not finished yet… But if you want to hang around anyway, that's fine." He smiled hopefully.

"Hang around to watch you two doing homework?" Axel made a face, but then suddenly brightened. "Maybe there's something I can help you with?"

Riku crossed his arms, looking at Axel with great amusement. "You're offering to do my homework for me?"

Axel smirked and stepped inside, leaning in to give Riku a kiss. "That should give you an idea of how much I like you. I never did any of my own homework..." He said it like a joke, but Riku's breath still caught in his throat and his heart started beating faster. Axel often told him how hot he thought he was, but statements hinting at actual feelings were much rarer.

He let Axel kiss him, and returned it eagerly, forgetting all about Sora and cosines.

X

An hour later all three of them were sitting on the couch, concentrating of the work before them. Riku had dumped his history assignment on Axel, figuring it would be something he could manage. You were just supposed to read a chapter and answer the questions at the end of it. Axel seemed to be taking the task very seriously, and Riku had to hold back his laughter every time he looked at him sitting there so concentrated and writing down the answers very slowly and meticulously.

Sora's concentration was wilting, however.

"This is so boring, Riku!" he complained. "I don't get it!"

Riku looked up from his book, sighing. "Alright, let me have a look at it…" He leaned over to look at the page Sora was pointing to, and was surprised to see that it was a new section of the trigonometry chapter.

"Did you solve all the advanced problems of last section by yourself?" he asked.

Sora nodded. "Yeah, but I don't understand this new stuff…"

"Never mind that," Riku ruffled Sora's hair, giving him an encouraging smile. "You did great!"

Sora looked surprised, watching him with wide eyes, but then he suddenly grinned. "I did, didn't I? I didn't even notice I was on the advanced problems!"

"Dork." Riku chuckled, and moved in closer to Sora to go over the new definitions with him, much like before. This time though, it wasn't until Axel's voice cut through their hushed conversation Riku noticed that they were once again sitting a little too close to each other.

"I could use some help too," the redhead said sharply and Riku gave a start. When he glanced over his shoulder he could see Axel sitting leaned back on the couch, his arms crossed and a decidedly angry-looking frown adorning his face, as he watched Riku and Sora intently.

_Do not blush, do NOT blush!_

Of course Riku blushed anyway, making Axel's thin eyebrows creep even closer together.

"Uhm, I…" Riku stuttered helplessly. "It's hard to see unless I…" Damn it! Why was he feeling guilty? Even worse, why was he _acting_ guilty? It wasn't like he had done anything wrong! He shook his head, giving Axel an annoyed glare, but nevertheless scooted a small distance away from Sora, who wasn't looking like he understood what was going on at all, his blue eyes large and questioning.

Axel had made plenty of comments in the last few days hinting of jealousy towards Sora, but it hadn't really seemed that serious… And Riku must have pointed out like a million times that Sora was straight and had a girlfriend, so _why_ was he still worried?

"Better now?" Riku asked pointedly.

"Whatever," Axel muttered sullenly; shoving the notebook he had been writing in into Riku's hands. "Is this good enough?"

Riku threw a last cautious glance at Axel before leaning back and reading through the writing. It _was_ good, actually. Since Riku knew school hadn't been working out at all for Axel, he hadn't really expected him to produce something that could be handed in and be approved, but Axel's answers were in fact better than what he would come up with by himself.

"It's _really_ good," he said carefully as he looked up at Axel again. Was it all because of the drugs he had failed at school? It didn't seem like he would have had any problems with it if he had just tried. "The teacher will be wondering what hit me."

There was an involuntary brightening of Axel's eyes, and the corners of his mouth twisted upward for a fraction of a second, before his frown returned.

"I didn't drop out of school because I was stupid, you know," he said coldly, as if he could read Riku's mind.

"I can see that," Riku replied patiently, biting back some of the more acid answers that immediately came to mind. _However, it certainly seems like you're stupid enough to think I was flirting with my best friend right in front of you._

He sighed. Wasn't there some truth to those suspicions, though?

He _did_ like Sora, maybe he always had. It had been harder to see and fully understand before he met Axel, because back then he hadn't even been entirely sure he really was gay. He had had a very hard time accepting Sora's relationship with Kairi, but he had told himself it was because Sora didn't spend time with him anymore, when in truth he had been jealous.

"Sora?" he said, putting the notebook away and leaning his face in his palm. "Do you mind if we continue this tomorrow? I really need to talk to Axel."

"No…" Sora shook his head, a look of worried confusion on his face. "I was getting tired anyway." He smiled nervously, then stood up and hurriedly started to pack his things back into his backpack, clearly uncomfortable with the sudden tension in the room. Riku really wished he hadn't had to be caught in the middle of this… whatever "this" was.

As soon as Sora was out the door, he turned to Axel who was watching him with an unreadable expression on his face, but before he had time to say anything the redhead spoke up. "It's a shame he's straight, you two really look cute together."

Riku frowned. "So what if we do? Nothing will ever happen anyway, even if I wanted it to."

Axel laughed bitterly. "That's my point, Riku. There is only _one_ reason you're not banging him, and that's because he's straight. Makes me feel so fucking special, you know?"

He looked away. "I don't know why I even care, it's not like we're a couple…"

Riku stared at him. He could see now how what he had been saying could be taken like that, but he really thought it should have been obvious that Axel was what was on his mind like ninety-eight percent of the day! Who cared if Sora looked cute doing this or that, or if there were some ghosts of feelings left from back when he didn't even know Axel?

"You're wrong," he blurted out, and once he started talking he couldn't seem to stop, all his confused feelings tumbling out of him like potatoes from a broken sack.

"I'm in love with you. Not Sora. Maybe I was, but… I really don't care anymore, not since I met you... … I wasn't even sure I really liked guys until I slept with you, you know. I thought maybe it was just this weird idea I had... If I had been feeling like this about Sora, I would have known, because this is… I can't even think about anything else than you! Even when I'm with Sora… It's true that I like Sora a lot, and I used to be jealous of Kairi, but now it's starting to feel okay, like it doesn't matter if Sora and I never will be more than friends. I mean, we've always been friends and maybe it would even be weird if we tried to be something else, you know..?"

It was Axel's turn to stare at him, the angry frown gone and replaced with a surprised and almost scared expression. Riku swallowed and took Axel's limp hand in his. He didn't know if his disorganized rant had made any sense at all, but…

"I'm not so happy with just being friends with you, though…"

"Okay…" Somehow Axel managed to look both happy and panic-stricken at once. "Uh, I… In love?"

Riku nodded, searching Axel's wide eyes for a hint of what was going through his mind. He was feeling very small with all his own feelings suddenly out in the open... It was one thing to say sweet things when you were in bed together, but talking like this was completely different. "Tell me it's not just about sex for you?" he whispered.

"No…" Axel shook his head and blinked, looking like he was trying to find his tongue again. "No, it's not… I like you more than I've liked anybody in a long time. The same thing goes for the sex, by the way. It's just…" He smiled, once again looking scared and a little insecure, expressions that Riku had never expected to see on his face. "I'm scared that if things get too serious, we'll start arguing about stuff… That everything that's light and simple and is making me happy for once will disappear. Kind of like now, when I started freaking out about Sora… God, I'm such an idiot!"

"Maybe 'just friends' isn't enough for you anymore either?" Riku inquired hopefully.

"Maybe not…" Axel squeezed Riku's hand and swallowed, leaning in to rest his forehead against Riku's. "Fuck, I'm so scared…"

Riku slowly run his other hand through Axel's hair. He didn't know what there was to be scared of, but Axel probably had his reasons. He just wished that Axel would trust him enough to tell him what was going on in that head of his, but maybe it was still too soon for that. It felt like much longer, but they had only known each other for a little more than a week; he had to remember that. "We can wait for a while, if you want… I wasn't going to ask you to be my boyfriend until I had come out, anyway."

Axel nodded, his eyes squeezed shut. "Maybe that would be best…"

"Okay." Riku was careful not to let any disappointment show in his voice. He kissed Axel's nose, thinking it was time for a change of subject. "Hey, I almost forgot! I'm supposed to invite you to Selphie's birthday party…"

Axel looked into his eyes curiously, already looking less freaked out. "Who's Selphie?"

X

_Author's notes:_

_Longest chapter yet, and still nothing happens! Sorry if it was boring… :-( I needed to set some things up for next chapter, which should be a lot more action-packed! Does everyone feel as bad about their writing as I do?_

_Don't get me wrong, I like writing and I'm kind of excited about having written a story this long… I haven't even tried writing anything for at least ten years! (Whoa!)And I tend to like the chapters better when I haven't looked at them for a while._

_Another thing; I'm bad at answering reviews (if I don't deal with it right away it just feels weird to respond much later), I hope you all know I love you and your opinions/speculations anyway! ;_

_(And more… Just picked some random Japanese name for Riku's surname… And Keiko… I don't know why that name popped up in my brain, but when I googled it, I realized it was the name of the whale in Free Willy! __Haha!)_


	9. Party crasher

_Author's notes:_

_Hey people! It's been a while, so I thought I'd write a little summary of what has happened so far… Skip it if you know it all!_

_Basically Axel got enough of the rock'n'roll lifestyle, and moved to Destiny Islands to get some peace and quiet. There he meets Riku, and things are turning serious a little faster than Axel can handle… (Haha, that pretty much sums up the story in two sentences… what's my word count again?)_

_Ok, maybe there's a little more… Axel has a failed suicide attempt and a seriously messed up relationship with Roxas in his baggage too. Riku is in the closet, and the only ones who know anything about his relationship with Axel are Sora and Kairi._

_The timeline looks something like this:_

_Axel is 21 at the moment and he met Roxas when he was close to 19, (Roxas was 14). Axel thinks the suicide attempt was about two years ago._

_At the moment Axel has lived on Destiny Islands for exactly two weeks._

_In the last chapter Axel had a small jealous meltdown when Riku was getting a little too cuddly with Sora while doing homework, and the whole debacle ended with Riku confessing he was in love with Axel, without getting very much of a positive response… There was also mention of Selphie's birthday party, and that's where I pick up the pen again!_

_Jesus, I have no idea if this was helpful… Hopefully you remembered something._

_I suggest you take a deep breath, forget what I just said, and read! _

_

* * *

_

**Party crasher**

X

"How do I look?" Axel made a little twirl in front of his cracked half-view mirror in the hallway. He hadn't bothered doing his hair properly or using any makeup since he first arrived at Destiny Islands, it just didn't seem like it was needed in a small place like this. And it would probably just make him look more like an outsider than what he already felt like… Tonight however, there was a party, and that was another matter.

He looked expectantly at Riku, who was slouching against the wall, watching him with what looked like an expression of slight amusement, but if Axel wasn't mistaking (and he didn't think he was), there was also something like desire in those blue-green eyes. It made his stomach tingle.

"You look fine," was all Riku said though.

Axel was a little disappointed. Sure, next to Riku, he wasn't exactly much to look at, but he could at least give him a little more than _fine_. The hair alone had taken half an hour to fix! Ever since Monday though, when Axel had chickened out of the boyfriend issue (or successfully avoided it, it all depended on how you looked at it), Riku had been a little standoffish. It wasn't anything Axel could pinpoint exactly, but there was definitely a slight change in attitude. He seemed sadder, somehow… And Axel hadn't seen very much of him compared to last week. He had been spending a few hours studying with Sora every day after school, and when he wasn't doing that, there was the god-damned gym… Not to mention work keeping them apart at night.

At least his apartment was beginning to shape up. Without Riku there really wasn't much for Axel to do but clean and putting things in order, so that was what he had been doing. He'd also been going for walks in the neighbourhood and around town to get to know his new surroundings, but it had pretty much been a boring and lonely week. He was really looking forward to the party tonight, and a chance to finally spend some time with Riku.

Hopefully Riku had missed him too, but Axel wasn't sure. He had a feeling that he had been avoiding him on purpose; that he was hurt.

Axel guessed he could understand that. He hadn't exactly been giving Riku lots of evidence there were any deeper feelings from his end, even when Riku had said he was in love and made it clear that he wanted them to be more than friends. Axel _knew_ how it must look when he said nothing back, but what could he do?

It was his fucking _life_ that was at stake.

So far things were going relatively well, but it all to often felt like he was walking on very thin ice with his new life and that the smallest thing would be enough to send him crashing through. He wasn't used to having a job and bills to pay, and all the responsibilities was a lot harder to handle than he had thought. It felt good that he was actually earning his own money and no one could call him a parasite to society anymore, but sometimes he just felt trapped. He didn't like it when he couldn't do things his own way.

On Wednesday night he had been very close to shoving the toilet brush down his supervisor's throat when she pointed out for like the fifteenth time that he was doing something wrong. She should be happy he was doing anything at all when he could have been at home fucking Riku instead! It still felt like a miracle that he had managed to restrain himself, and he was very glad that he would be working on his own next week.

It felt like that far too often; like what he was really thinking and feeling was something ugly that must be hidden away and kept under control. Axel didn't think there was any chance that he would keep that control if he had the additional stress of a serious relationship to deal with.

He almost wished he hadn't met Riku so soon.

It would have been so much better if he had had the chance to get comfortable with the other aspects of his life first. Now he had to try to get Riku to stick around while he tried to sort everything out, and there was no guarantee of success. It didn't feel fair to make Riku wait for something that may never be, but he had to try. Riku was already so important that Axel had the feeling everything would go straight to hell if he lost him.

He wished he could explain all this to him, but he had no idea how to go about that. Riku would probably not be too happy waiting months while Axel made up his mind, and with his looks it wouldn't be hard for him to get whoever he wanted, someone normal and sweet like Sora… It had really been like a blow to the stomach watching them sitting close doing homework on Monday, just looking cute and so _right_, like they were meant to be. Axel knew no one would ever look at him with some boyfriend and think they looked right. The fact that Sora looked so much like Roxas it was scary didn't help either.

Someone like Riku would probably have been a perfect boyfriend for Roxas…

Ugh, Roxas. He didn't need to add to his list of troubles by thinking of _him_. Fuck, but getting wasted would feel good tonight!

Something of his depressing thoughts must have shown on his face, because suddenly Riku was next to him, snaking an arm around his waist and touching Axel's cheek with his other hand.

"What's wrong? You look so sad…"

Not wanting to discuss his many worries, Axel tried to joke it off by pouting childishly. "Well… I didn't spend half an hour on my hair just for a lame reaction like 'fine'!"

It appeared that was the wrong thing to say, because Riku let go of him and rolled his eyes. "Right… You know, I can kind of see you're not alright." He backed away, his eyes locking with Axel's; demanding a real answer.

Axel couldn't help the anger welling up in him. He just hated it when people kept pushing when he clearly just wanted them to drop it. If he wanted to talk, he wouldn't have tried to change the subject; how could that be so hard to understand? Riku should know this by now, so Axel could only come to the conclusion that he didn't even care if he pissed him off.

"Then maybe you can also see I don't want to talk about it?" He crossed his arms defensively and glared back at Riku.

"Big surprise there…" Riku muttered, turning his back on him and finally giving up. "You never want to talk about it. Just tell me when you're done so we can go." He went into the living room, and Axel could hear the soft thud when he threw himself down on the couch.

Damn it! This was exactly what Axel didn't want… Hurt feelings, irritation and bickering. They liked each other, right? He knew he liked Riku anyway, probably a lot more than he admitted to himself. Later, when he was drunk off his ass, he was going to drag Riku into an empty room and tell him exactly how much more… That way it wouldn't have to be so serious, but maybe Riku still would understand that he was more than a piece of meat to Axel.

He followed Riku and sat down on the couch where he lay sprawled out, an arm covering his eyes.

"We can go right now," he said, and added after having hesitantly chewed his lip for a second, "Please don't be mad at me… I'm really trying." What he was trying he didn't specify, better if Riku interpreted it to mean whatever he wanted it to mean.

Riku sighed and removed his arm from his face, looking up at Axel with those alarmingly beautiful eyes. "I'm not really mad. Just… I wish you would tell me things. I hate it when you're upset and I can do nothing to help you."

_Fuck._ How did he _do_ that; making Axel feel both like a complete piece of shit and indescribably happy at the same time, just by saying something seemingly simple like that? That he wanted to help him. He wished he could make Riku happy instead of just giving him trouble.

"I don't know if anyone can help me."

"You could at least let me try."

Smiling sadly, Axel stroked Riku's hair. How did he explain that he didn't want deep conversations and digging into old memories that were better left forgotten? That Riku helped him best by just being a beautiful distraction from all the things Axel didn't want to think about? Something told him Riku wouldn't take it too well if he said something like that.

"You know, if you ever want to cheer me up, it probably works best if you just say something along the lines of 'forget that shit Axel, you look hot and I want to fuck you right here and now.'" He smirked and gave Riku a wink. "I can't imagine a situation where that wouldn't do the trick."

There was a short silence, and then _finally_ a small laugh from Riku. "You're serious, aren't you?" he asked, his eyebrows raised in disbelief.

Axel shrugged, relieved. "What can I say? I'm basically a simple guy."

Riku smiled, giving a small shake of his head. "In that case I should tell you I think you look _totally_ hot and I wish we could stay home from Selphie's stupid party, because keeping my hands off you all night will just be torturous…" He blushed cutely and Axel grinned.

"That's a lot better than 'fine'," he said and bent down to give Riku a kiss.

Riku smiled sadly when he pulled away. "I still wish you would tell me things, though. It's so weird that I know almost nothing about you."

"Yeah, well…" Axel looked down at him, his grin fading. "My past is messed up. You wouldn't like it, and I just want to forget about it. I want to start something new and be somebody new… Somebody that someone like you could like."

"I already like you."

"I know…" Though he wondered how much Riku would like him if he knew about the darker sides of his personality. This discussion was a just a depressing dead end, so Axel sighed and stood up. "I like you too. How about we go to the party and get wasted now? I can't wait to make out with you in front of all your friends!"

Riku rolled his eyes again. "Yeah, you can forget about that part…"

"How about this then?" Axel said, holding out his hand to help Riku get up, and grinned teasingly. "We make it a sport to have sex in as many places as possible in sweet, little Selphie's house…"

For some reason Riku didn't approve of that idea either.

X

Axel was almost nervous from excitement as he and Riku made their way over the front path up to Selphie's house. Riku had said that he shouldn't get his hopes up; that the party was most likely going to be lame and most other kids would probably not even be drinking, but Axel wasn't worried. Parties at someone's house when the parents were away _always_ got out of hand sooner or later; it was like a cosmic law! Destiny Islands was a quiet place, but Axel suspected kids would be kids even here.

He hadn't been to a party for quite some time and was looking forward to a real bender. Being sober all the time was starting to get really frustrating. Riku had told him not to get too drunk, but he was definitely planning to ignore that. Getting wasted and letting go of your troubles was the whole point of partying, wasn't it? At least Axel thought so.

Riku didn't need to worry; it wasn't like he was going to totally lose control and dance naked on the tables, or something. He just wanted to be able to relax among all these new people. Not that he was very shy, but a little (or a lot) alcohol in the blood made it so much easier to socialize with strangers… It kind of reduced people to their least common denominator, and Axel liked that. It made it possible to actually enjoy the company of people you normally wouldn't even consider talking to.

He suspected that he probably wouldn't have very much in common with Riku's friends, but damn him if wasn't going to make his best effort to fit in. If he was going to live here, it would probably be a good idea to try to get along with people… Maybe even make a few friends of his own.

He had even stopped along the road to pick some flowers for this Selphie girl, since it was her birthday and everything. They were large and pink and Axel was proud of himself, because getting flowers for someone was something his old self would never have thought of. He had even picked a flower for Riku (a big, red one) and placed it in his hair. Riku had rolled his eyes and pretended like he thought it was ridiculous, but Axel hadn't missed the soft look of happiness on his face as he leaned in to kiss him a moment later.

The flower was still sitting behind Riku's ear as they came up to the front door, and Axel grinned at him. He wasn't looking very enthusiastic. "Cheer up, I _promise_ I won't do anything too gay, alright? This is going to be fun!"

"If you say so…" Riku sighed and rang the doorbell.

The door was soon answered by a pretty, brown-haired girl with large, sparkling eyes, who greeted them happily.

"Riku! Come on in!" She jumped Riku, giving him a tight hug that looked somewhat awkward due to the fact that she was barely tall enough to reach up to his chest. Axel got the feeling he normally wouldn't have accepted any hugging, but carrying a bag in each hand, Riku couldn't do much more than stand there with a slightly annoyed look on his face, his arms hanging down his sides. Selphie took the opportunity to nuzzle her head into Riku's chest, drawing a deep breath trough her nose. "You smell good," she proclaimed.

Riku turned his gaze to the sky and sighed. "Hello Selphie…"

"Don't be so grumpy, Riku! It's my birthday!" She let go of him and turned to Axel instead, watching him curiously. "Are you Riku's new neighbour?"

"Yeah, Axel." He took the hand that Selphie had extended and shook it. No hugs for him apparently… Not that he really cared.

"I'm Selphie… It's my party!" She made a sort of childish, twirling motion with her hips, making her skirt flare out slightly, and gave him a coy smile, that Axel suspected was entirely fake. Not the smile, but the coyness…

He chuckled and winked at her, holding out the bouquet of flowers. "Yeah, I gathered… Happy birthday, and thanks for inviting me."

"Oh! They're beautiful!" Selphie took the flowers and gave him a cute, delighted smile that this time looked almost convincingly shy. "Thanks… And of course I invited you! New people are kind of big news around here… Everyone knows each other in a small place like this; it can get a little boring just seeing the same faces all the time!"

"I can imagine…" Axel replied, somewhat amused. Was she flirting? Too bad he was gay. Riku had described Selphie as being painfully annoying, but he really didn't think she seemed to be that bad… It seemed more likely that Riku just sucked at handling people that weren't as reserved as he was.

"Are you done flirting now so we can get inside?" Riku interrupted, and Selphie turned to him with a dark glare. Axel held back a snicker. He had the feeling that if someone asked Selphie to describe Riku, 'annoying' would be the first word out of her mouth.

"Not so fast," she said, putting her hands on her hips. "Don't _you_ have a present for me? And where's your date?"

Riku rolled his eyes and put his bags down, so he could pick up a small, wrapped box from one of them. "Happy birthday, Selphie." Apparently he didn't consider the date question worth answering…

"Thank you, Riku." Selphie took the gift, her expression softening slightly. She raised an eyebrow. "Nice flower, by the way."

Riku first looked like he didn't get what she was talking about, but then he blushed and clawed the red flower out of his hair. Apparently he had forgotten it was still there… Axel couldn't help snorting out a laugh at the look of distress on his face; Riku was just too funny when he was embarrassed! Unfortunately it had become much harder to make him blush lately…

Selphie frowned. "You're so weird, Riku… You're lucky you're hot. Anyway, come on in. Kairi and I have been making pizza for everyone."

"Sounds great," Axel commented and stepped past her into the house, ignoring the acid look Riku shot him. Like it was his fault he forgot about the flower!

Once inside, Selphie told them to go to the kitchen while she went to fix something in the back yard. Riku apparently already knew his way around Selphie's house, so Axel tagged along just behind him and curiously watched the interior and the other people at the party. There were lots of them; apparently Selphie had many friends. Axel wasn't surprised; she seemed like the type of sweet, but quirky girl people instantly liked.

He felt a little out of place, though. The house was very nice; a little too nice for him to feel entirely comfortable. It felt like he would trip and break something… Or that the furniture would get dirty if he touched them. He preferred places where you didn't have to worry about things like that. Also he was probably older than everyone else, and there was _no one_ who dressed in a style even remotely like his. He would have thought all places had their share of punks and rockers… It felt like people were staring at him, and he wished he could hold Riku's hand for comfort, but since Riku probably wouldn't be very happy with that, it would have to be enough to just stay close to him.

When the hell did he start caring if people stared at him or not, anyway? Normally he would just flip off whoever had a problem with him, and that was that. Probably not a good strategy if he wanted to at least try to fit in and make a good impression, though… Axel sighed miserably, but tried to plaster what he hoped was a friendly expression on his face. Everything was so much harder when you had to _care_ about stuff...

As he looked around, Axel noticed there was very little drinking going on, and the music was some horrible, sugary mainstream pop. Maybe Riku had been right when he said Axel shouldn't get his hopes up… This was definitely not the kind of party he was used to. It seemed more like the kind of party parents would nod approvingly at, and describe as "good, wholesome fun".

It was still early though, only a few minutes past six. Chances were still good the party would get wilder later at night. Axel hoped so. A little decadence was just good for the soul, even the islanders had to know _that…_

"Do you know all these people?" he asked Riku, who was just waving to a group of guys sitting on the living room couch. He wanted to focus on some conversation instead of the eyes following him through the room.

"I recognize most of them from school," Riku answered with a shrug. "We should try to find Sora and Kairi… They're probably in the kitchen already."

It turned out Riku was right. When they entered the kitchen they were greeted by the sight of Sora sitting on the counter being fed a small slice of pizza from the hand of a red-headed girl wearing an apron dotted with tiny, blue hearts.

Axel couldn't help raising his eyebrows. _That_ was Sora's girlfriend? For some reason he had expected a dorky, fat girl with glasses, but this girl was really pretty.

"Mmfm, it's good!" Sora told her with his mouth full.

"Manners, Sora!" the girl reminded him playfully. "And of course it's good; I made it!" She flicked her hair and Sora stuck his tongue out at her.

"If you already know it's so great, why are you even asking for my opinion?" he complained, but it was evident from his smile and the glitter in his eyes that he didn't really mind. Axel suddenly understood why Riku was so positive he would never have a chance with Sora, and he felt relieved. He couldn't help feeling a little sorry for Riku, though. It couldn't have been easy watching someone you liked be so happy with someone else.

"Hi guys," Riku greeted, drawing their attention to him and Axel standing in the doorway. Axel studied his face, but could not see any signs of jealousy. Maybe Riku was really happy just being with him? Or was he just so used to seeing them together that he simply didn't care anymore?

Sora and the girl (Axel couldn't remember what Riku had said her name was) turned their heads towards them, and Sora jumped off the counter with a cheerful smile. "Hi Riku! …And Axel." (He sounded considerably less cheerful when addressing _him_.) "You're just in time for the pizza!"

"Yeah, Selphie sent us here to get some… It smells really nice, Kairi." Riku turned to the redheaded girl, who smiled and straightened her back proudly.

"It does, doesn't it? I've been working with this all day. Don't believe Selphie if she says she helped, because she was mostly in my way."

Riku chuckled, and there was a small silence until Kairi spoke again.

"Aren't you going to introduce me to your _friend?_" She looked at Axel curiously and cocked her head.

"Uhh, sure…" Riku smiled sheepishly. "Axel, this is Kairi, Sora's girlfriend. And Kairi, this is Axel, my… uhm, whatever he is." He blushed and looked away, and Axel felt sorry for him again. He guessed Riku had wanted to say "boyfriend" but caught himself at the last moment.

He also noticed the sympathetic look on Kairi's face, and Sora's slight frown. Had Riku told them about what happened on Monday? Well, he had probably been forced to say something to Sora, since he was there… Just great. Now they probably thought Axel was a complete asshole for not wanting to be in a serious relationship with their friend. Some beer would be _really_ good right now…

"Maybe I'm that date Selphie was talking about?" he suggested, giving his lover a wink and hoping that the joke would make the situation less awkward.

Riku's blush brightened a little, but he smiled nonetheless. "I suppose you are… Just don't tell her that. She probably believes you are _her_ date."

Axel frowned, and Kairi giggled.

"He's right… She kind of does. I'll keep her in line, though!"

Axel turned to her, and shook the hand she had extended towards him gratefully. He really hadn't thought that flirting was anything serious, with the way she had been all over Riku just moments before. "Thanks… I think I have enough trying to deal with him…" He cast a teasing glance towards Riku, who just snorted and turned to start loading beer into the refrigerator.

"Aww, he's not that bad, is he?" Kairi said, letting go of his hand and looking into his eyes.

Axel shook his head slowly, eyeing her back thoughtfully. The question seemed simple, but he suspected there was more to it; a test. Maybe he needed to make some kind of statement here?

"No, he's not," he agreed. "I think he's amazing…" He looked over at Riku again, who was now looking back at him over his shoulder, a surprised expression on his face. Axel shrugged and smirked at him. "What? You are."

Riku smiled back and gave him a teasing wink, finding his composure again. "If you say so… Just don't forget about the rules!"

"Right…" Axel rolled his eyes, and turned back to Kairi, who was looking somewhat puzzled. "I'm under strict orders here…" he explained. "Let's see; no kissing, no touching unless it's 'normal' or some sort of emergency, no talking dirty, no flirting… Did I get it all?"

"No, you forgot 'don't drink too much'." Riku answered, shoving the last beer into the fridge and shutting the door.

"Yeah… I'm going to have so much fun," Axel sighed as tragically as he could, hoping that Riku would take pity on him and at least give him a kiss now, when there was no one around that didn't already know about them.

Kairi giggled and gave him a sympathetic smile. "Well, at least you'll get to stuff yourself with pizza… There's enough to feed an army."

"Here." Riku had walked up to him, and handed him a can of beer while putting an arm around his waist and placing a small kiss on his cheek.

Axel grinned even though he would have preferred something juicier. "What about the _rules?_"

Riku smirked at him. "Oh, the rules are just for you… I can break them all I want." Axel felt his hand sliding down his side to settle at his hip, and a sudden feeling of raw desire flared in his gut. Damn it, Riku was so sexy when he was teasing like that! Was he planning to do that all night? Axel would be climbing the walls…

"Tease me at your own risk," he told him, somehow managing to keep a straight face, and popped his beer open. "Cheers!"

"You're cute together," Kairi stated. She was smiling, but blushing slightly; probably not used to see male intimacy.

Axel grinned, surprised at how happy her statement made him feel. "Really?"

"Yeah!" Kairi nodded enthusiastically. "Right Sora?" She turned to look at her boyfriend, who had made himself busy with wiping off the counter. He muttered something unintelligible in response, his blush noticeably deeper than Kairi's.

"Maybe Sora needs a beer too," Axel told Riku, who chuckled and let go of him.

"Yes, please," Sora said, finally looking up with a sheepish smile.

Riku just smiled at him and went to get another one from the fridge. "Do you want one too, Kairi?"

Kairi shook her head. "No thanks, I'm going to share some wine with Selphie later."

Axel was relieved. So there _was _going to be drinking. He had actually started to worry when he saw that the entire house was decorated with balloons and streamers. It kind of looked like a little kid's birthday party…

"So, are we going to eat now, or what?" he asked.

"Impatient?" Kairi smiled. "I don't blame you… They're that good! But there's a few left to bake… You boys enjoy your beer in the meantime." She giggled and turned to check the status of the pizzas currently baking in the oven, when something outside caught her attention.

"Hey, look Sora!" she exclaimed, pointing out the window. "Roxas and Naminé are here now!"

_Roxas?_

Axel experienced a brief moment of panic before he realized it was probably just someone with the same name, but when he followed the line of sight indicated by Kairi's index finger, his heart nearly stopped in his chest. He had done something with his hair, and he dressed differently, but it _was_ Roxas walking up towards the house, arm in arm with a petite, blonde girl. It had been more than two years since Axel last saw him, but he recognized him immediately; would have recognized him anywhere.

"Roxas?" someone croaked in an unpleasantly cracked and shrill voice, and to his horror Axel realized that it had been him. Everyone was looking at him now.

"Do you know him?" Riku asked, studying Axel with a curious expression.

"Uh, I…" Axel swallowed. Things were happening too fast here. Riku knew _Roxas?_ Axel's mouth suddenly became very dry and his hands felt oddly cold and clammy. He shoved them into his pockets; so that no one would notice how they were suddenly shaking. He had to try to act normal… It was just so hard remembering what normal was. "We've met." He tried a casual shrug, but it probably looked more like a spastic jerk. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._ What was Roxas doing here?

"Right…" Riku was frowning slightly. "Roxas used to live in Menelflor a couple of years ago, isn't that right, Sora?"'

Sora nodded. "Yeah, I think it was two years ago or so they all moved to Twilight Town." He smiled at Axel, seemingly having forgottten all about how awkward he had been just moments ago. "I can't believe you know my cousin! It's a small world…"

Axel smiled back wearily. Cousin... It made perfect sense. That weird likeness was too uncanny to be anything else than a sign of close relations, and if Axel dug deep into his memory he thought he could recall Roxas mentioning that he had family at some tropical island paradise. Why did it have to be _this_ island paradise, though? Axel wanted to cry.

Instead he agreed with Sora. "Yeah, really small world…"

This was a disaster. The moment Roxas caught sight of him, he would… Axel didn't know what he would do, but it certainly wouldn't be pleasant. There was no doubt in his mind that Roxas hated his guts, and with good reason too. Axel knew he was probably the worst fucking thing that ever happened to him, but he didn't know if he could handle it if Roxas actually told him that.

And what would happen if Roxas told everyone else about the shit Axel had put him through? Or about what kind of life he had lived? What if he told _Riku?_ He could just kiss his new life goodbye, then…

Everyone would find out about the drugs and just about how far Axel had been willing to go to get a hold of them… And worst of all, how horribly he had treated Roxas. Figures that when he for once was trying to do something right, it was just snatched right out of his hands. It was so unfair! Or maybe it was the very opposite of that, some sort of punishment; like bad karma or the almighty lord smiting him, or whatever… Axel was starting to feel seriously nauseous.

"Are you alright?" Riku was frowning and had placed a hand on his shoulder. "You look pale."

Axel nodded and produced what felt like the most unnatural smile this world had ever seen. "I'm fine. I was just surprised."

"Are you and Roxas friends?" Sora asked, and Axel was very glad that the doorbell rang in that exact moment so that he didn't have to answer that.

"Let's go and say hello!" Kairi suggested, and Sora and Riku followed her out of the kitchen. Axel stood frozen to the spot, feeling completely unable to move, and then, when they all had their backs to him; he emptied his can of beer in one, long drag.

X

"What is Selphie like?" Naminé asked, and Roxas turned to look at his girlfriend. She always looked so small and shy, making him want to protect her. He smiled reassuringly at her.

"She's nice, but she talks a lot… That's really all I remember, I haven't been here for years. I'm sure you'll get along fine, though!"

Naminé smiled back at him. "Yeah… Everyone we've met so far has been really nice. I like it here, Roxas!"

Roxas was glad to hear that. Coming here to celebrate their one year anniversary had been his idea, and he had hoped that the sun and friendly people would cheer Naminé up. She was a really sweet girl, but there was a kind of sadness to her that never seemed to go away. Roxas rather liked that about her; that she wasn't all bubbly and shallow, but it was still pretty heartbreaking that she never seemed truly happy.

She seemed pretty happy now, though. They had arrived earlier in the day, unpacking their stuff in Sora's house where they would be staying over the week, and then Roxas had taken Naminé with him to go sightseeing around the island. They had bathed both in the ocean and in the sweetwater lake in the jungle, and eaten at a really nice restaurant. It had been a great day, and hopefully Selphie's party would be the perfect ending to it.

He smiled at Naminé again. She really was the perfect girl for him. They never argued about stuff, and Roxas felt oddly safe with her; like he could always be himself. Sometimes they didn't even talk for hours when they hanged out, but the silence never felt uncomfortable. Roxas didn't think he would ever be able to feel at peace like that with a guy. Maybe it was weird to think like that, but part of why he felt so calm with Naminé, was because she was a girl; a really small and shy one at that. She would never have the upper hand on him, physically or mentally…

It wouldn't hurt if Naminé developed some more self-esteem though. Sometimes it got a little tiring that she always relied so heavily on him… He was glad she seemed to get along so well with Kairi; maybe she and Naminé could hang out some, so he wouldn't have to be glued to her side all night. He kind of looked forward to spend some time with Sora and Riku, just the three of them, like when he was little and used to come here over the summers.

As they walked up to the door and rang the doorbell, Roxas didn't even notice the red flower he stepped on.

X

It was his cousin Sora that opened the door; Kairi standing just a few steps behind him, smiling brightly. She really was a pretty young woman now, and Roxas felt happy for Sora for finding a girlfriend like that. Sora had always been his favourite cousin, and he had been so glad when heard the news that they were now a couple. They had been friends since childhood, and now had found love, and Roxas thought that was really sweet, no matter how lame or girly that may seem.

Riku were standing another few steps behind Kairi, smiling at him; and Roxas had to struggle a little to find his breath. He hadn't had a chance to meet Riku yet, and even though he had always been good-looking, now it was really striking… He was wearing a black turtleneck shirt that was zipped in the front and showed off his muscular arms. Damn, he must really be working out!

Roxas smiled involuntarily, but figured it was only appropriate, so he didn't bother hiding it. "Hi guys!"

A veritable orgy of hugging and greetings broke out as Selphie, Tidus and Wakka, who Roxas remembered from the summers of his childhood, also showed up in the already cramped hallway. It really felt good (though slightly overwhelming) to meet his old friends again, and Roxas was pleased to see how everyone seemed to like Naminé and was giving her compliments for how pretty she was. She was blushing slightly, but she was wearing that shy but still bright smile that Roxas knew won people over right away. He knew he loved it…

Happiness was a fickle thing, though…

"Hey, we just found out we have an old friend of yours here!" Sora told him cheerfully, breaking loose from a tight hug. "He just moved here and lives next door to Riku; what a coincidence, huh?"

Roxas frowned. "An old friend?" He had no idea who it could be. Some old classmate?

"Yeah! He's right -" Sora turned like he had expected whoever he was talking about to be standing right behind him, but trailed off when he saw that there was no one there. "Uh… Where is he, Riku?"

Roxas looked over at Riku, who shrugged. "I think he went to the bathroom."

"Who is it?" Roxas hoped it would be someone that would be fun too see again, and not some half-acquaintance that he would barely recognize. He had never been very good with small talk, and he really didn't want to spend the night having an awkward conversation with some random person he had been in kindergarten with (or however he knew this mysterious "old friend").

When Sora spoke, he _wished_ it would have been someone from kindergarten.

"…Axel?" Roxas repeated, hoping desperately that it was some kind of misunderstanding. He only knew of one Axel, and he couldn't even begin to imagine what _he_ would be doing here.

"Yeah, a really tall, redheaded guy… Does it sound familiar?"

Too familiar... Roxas didn't trust his voice, and only gave a stunned nod in answer to Sora's question. Of all the people in the world, _why Axel?_ If there was anyone Roxas hoped he would never have to meet again, he would be the one.

What the hell was he doing here, anyway? He had moved here? Why? Had he somehow known that Roxas would come here? But why would he try to contact him _now? _They hadn't talked for years.

"So how do you know him, Roxas?" Kairi asked. "We're all very curious about him, but Riku says he doesn't like to talk about himself. Do you know him too, Naminé?"

Naminé shook her head, and glanced at Roxas. "No, I've never heard the name before."

Of course she hadn't. Roxas didn't talk about Axel with _anyone_. Everything about those old memories was just painful… It had been hard to leave them behind, and nowadays Roxas just tried his best to just forget he ever knew someone named Axel.

_He doesn't like to talk about himself, huh?_ Roxas closed his fist. _That's probably because he's an asshole… _It was a good thing though, because apparently Axel hadn't told anyone what kind of relationship they used to have, which suited Roxas just fine. As much as he would have loved to tell Sora, Riku and Kairi exactly what he thought about Axel, he realized that would be hard to do without having to explain why…

"We used to go to same parties for a while," he said instead, trying to sound as neutral as possible. It was a vague explanation, but hopefully it would be specific enough to not raise any further questions.

_Axel…_

The worst part wasn't even what a complete bastard he had been, or that he had treated Roxas like shit. The worst part was that Roxas had let him… Over and over again. How fucking stupid were you if someone practically raped you, cheated on you all the time, tried to get you to forget it by treating you to drugs, and still you didn't get the message? So fucking stupid you deserved everything you got, that's how; and that was probably what Axel had figured too.

"Seems like you're ending up at the same party once again!" Kairi said with a giggle that Roxas suddenly found incredibly annoying. He forced a smile.

"Yeah…"

The very first time he had been to a party with Axel, they hadn't even known each other…But it hadn't been long until they were making out, Roxas exploring the other side of his bisexuality for the first time, and liking it far too much. They had only met briefly before, when they hid away from a rainstorm in a tunnel a few days earlier. Axel had made a really strong impression on him, and invited him to a party in that old, abandoned warehouse that Roxas knew all the cool people hanged out at in the weekends. There had been this weird chemistry between them right at the start, but Axel had still seemed surprised to see him that Friday night, like he hadn't really expected him to show up…

Roxas had lost his virginity that night, but sadly he couldn't remember much of it. He had been way too drunk, and someone had given him a joint as well. His best friend at the time, who Roxas had brought with him for support, had left early, begging him to come along, but he hadn't listened. He had been too intoxicated with it all; finally hanging out with those people he one day had hoped to be like, and with someone like Axel giving him all of his attention….

He had been so very young and stupid.

The rest of the introductions were all a haze to him; he just couldn't seem to think straight. He handed over his and Naminé's birthday gift to Selphie, and nodded and smiled and presented himself as Roxas to all the new people Sora introduced him to, but he didn't really pay attention. All he could think about was Axel; that he was here somewhere and that he would have to face him. _Soon._ What should he say? He didn't want to say anything; he just wanted to hide. Or maybe kill him… He had no idea how he would react when he finally saw him.

He wondered what Axel would say. If he was going to be all smug and smirking, Roxas doubted he would be able to keep himself from punching his teeth out. Maybe he would just be indifferent… Roxas didn't think he would be able to stand that either.

Then he was suddenly there, and the rest of the room just seemed to fade as Roxas' gaze locked on him. Slanted green eyes; wild, red hair; thin, pale limbs clad in black… That irresistible aura about him that just _oozed_ trouble; he was everything Roxas remembered and somehow _more_.

He couldn't help it, he had to gasp for breath as his throat constricted painfully. Sora was saying something beside him, but he couldn't hear it because of his pulse roaring violently in his ears. Why was Axel affecting him like this? For a moment he almost thought he would pass out, but then Axel's lips moved, and for some reason Roxas had no trouble hearing _his _voice.

"Uh, Rox… Long time, no see, I guess."

Roxas didn't like how he shortened his name like that; it felt too intimate. And what the hell kind of stupid thing to say was that, anyway? Unable to come up with any other answer, Roxas just nodded stiffly.

"Uhm, yeah…" Axel scratched his head, looking slightly uncomfortable. "So… How are you doing?"

_Much better without you._ "Fine."

His voice sounded oddly strangled, and he didn't say anything more, afraid that it would break. He just wanted Axel out of his face so he could _breathe_.

"Roxas is here on his one year anniversary!" Sora filled in, sounding unnecessarily chipper, and Roxas wished he would have kept quiet about that. "It's such a huge coincidence that you two should meet here; Roxas hasn't visited for years!"

"Oh… So you're his girlfriend?" Axel's voice sounded neutral, but the look he was directing towards Naminé was piercing, to say the least. Roxas took a small step forward, placing himself like a shield in front of her. Axel had always been insanely jealous, probably because he thought everyone else shared his shitty morals.

"Yes; I'm Naminé. Nice to meet you!" She stepped around Roxas, holding her hand out and obviously not feeling the tension in the air. Axel stared at her outstretched hand for a moment before taking it hesitantly. Roxas felt sick.

"Hey… I'm Axel." He licked his lips, giving Roxas the impression of a trapped animal. There was a strange, uncomfortable silence before Axel let go of Naminé's hand, looking around the unsuspecting circle of friends.

"Uh, well… See you around, I guess. I have to… Riku was going to show me something."

Riku raised an eyebrow. "I was?"

"Yeah." Axel glared pointedly at him, and after a while Riku shrugged and rolled his eyes.

"Sure, whatever. This way…"

They left, Axel throwing a last, unreadable glance at Roxas over his shoulder. Roxas was trying hard to keep his knees from shaking. No one should have to be subjected to stress like this! Looking at the disappearing backs of his childhood friend and former lover, Roxas frowned. What was that Sora had said? Axel had moved in next door to Riku?

Was there something going on between those two? It almost seemed unreal that gorgeous and perfect Riku would be gay, but it would be even more unreal if Axel would live next door to a guy like that without making a pass at him.

Either Riku didn't care, or he liked it.

Roxas suddenly wanted to throw up.

X

Axel's mind felt oddly blank and numb as Riku dragged him into what must be the room of one of Selphie's younger siblings upstairs, and he sunk limply down on the small bed standing against the far wall. Seeing Roxas had shaken him to his core, and all he could think of was that he was _here_, invading Axel's new life together with his pretty, little _girlfriend_. Since when did Roxas like girls anyway?

Riku didn't sit down beside him, but remained standing, his arms crossed over his chest. Axel wondered what he was thinking. It must have been pretty obvious from the awkward meeting with Roxas that they weren't exactly the best of friends.

"Okay, tell me why we're here."

Riku wasn't asking; he was demanding, and Axel stared at him helplessly. If he didn't tell him that he and Roxas used to be a couple, he would probably just pry it out of Roxas anyway. That would be catastrophic_,_ but Axel still couldn't bring himself to say anything. The longer Riku knew nothing, the better…

"I really can't deal with questions right now," he sighed wearily. Judging from how Riku's jaw clenched, he didn't like that answer. "Look, it's… Fuck, will you just kiss me?"

"Why the hell would I want to kiss you when you're acting weird like this?" The frustration was evident in Riku's voice, and Axel could understand it… He just didn't know what to do about it.

"Because I need it?" he tried, and was a little surprised himself at how thin and miserable his voice sounded. Riku opened his mouth, then closed it again, like he was going to say something but decided not to. He fell to his knees in front of Axel, moving in so that he sat between his spread legs. Without another word and with a strange and almost soft expression on his face, he put a hand behind Axel's head and pulled him down for a kiss.

Axel gave out a relieved sigh, and put his arms around Riku, returning the kiss with all he got. He wanted to make it good, so Riku wouldn't pull away and want to talk again. Apparently it was, because Riku was soon giving out those small moans Axel loved to hear and panting heavily for breath in between the kisses. Axel wanted to loose himself like that too; feeling nothing but desire and forgetting all about the world outside Riku's arms, but he couldn't feel a thing. It was just mouths, tongues and saliva, and cold, hard reality.

He desperately hugged Riku tighter to him; doubling his efforts and starting to move a hand up under his shirt. Maybe if he got Riku to fuck him; hard so that it hurt, it would make everything go away… or at least give him a feeling to focus on.

He didn't notice the tears spilling down his cheeks until Riku suddenly stopped kissing him and traced a wet line over his face with his finger.

"You're crying…"

Axel tried to hold in a sob as he met Riku's worried eyes. This was going straight to hell.

They just stared at each other for a few moments, and then Riku spoke very softly. "Don't be mad at me for saying this, but you need to tell me what's wrong. Is it something about Roxas?"

Yes, it was something about Roxas…

Something about how his eyes had been absolutely _cold_ when he stared at him, or maybe something about how he had stepped in front of his delicate, pretty, fucking little girlfriend like Axel was some dangerous animal she needed to be protected from.

He hadn't really expected any other kind of reaction; he knew Roxas would be better off without him and that he had every reason to think Axel was just worthless trash. He knew, but seeing it with his own eyes was worse than anything he could have imagined.

_Damn you, Roxas! Why did you have to come here and rub it in?_

"He used to be my boyfriend…" he managed to whisper before his voice broke and his body was racked with uncontrollable, heavy sobs.

"_Oh..._"

Riku tensed slightly, but he didn't let go of him, for which Axel was thankful. He could only begin to imagine what he was feeling, having to listen to him bawl like a baby over some old boyfriend, and he felt like a bastard for making him do it… He couldn't stop himself, though, and he _needed_ Riku to hold on to now.

"Do you still love him?" Riku whispered after what seemed like an eternity, when Axel's tears had finally run out, and Axel hated himself when he heard how scared he sounded.

"No… Or, I don't know…" Did he? All he could feel was pain, and a strange emptiness. "I did… but I wasn't always so nice to him." _That was an understatement._ "I don't think he was very happy to see me... I want to get out of here."

"What do you mean you weren't so nice to him?"

"Ah, I…" Axel didn't know how to explain, didn't have the energy to even try. "It was messed up; the drugs and… He was just fourteen years old!" Feeling like he would soon start to cry again, he looked into Riku's eyes pleadingly. "Do we really have to talk about this now?"

"When else are we going to talk about it?" Riku's voice sounded brittle and tired, and he looked at Axel angrily.

"I was hoping never," Axel muttered under his breath.

"What?"

This was just too much. Axel already felt like he had said way more than he was comfortable with, and still it wasn't enough… "Just let it go, Riku. It's in the past and it's none of your fucking business anyway."

"It's none of my business?" Riku pushed him away and squeezed his arm hard. "You just cried for fifteen minutes about another guy that you say you _don't know_ if you still love… Don't you think I deserve to know what the hell is going on?"

It really took all of Axel's willpower, but somehow he managed to not blow up and point out to Riku that he was just some guy that Axel had known and fucked for two weeks, and that he really didn't deserve anything.

"Yes, you do…" he agreed instead, taking several deep breaths to calm down. "I just can't handle it right now. I don't even know what's going on… I didn't think I was ever going to see Roxas again."

There was a short silence, then to Axel's surprise Riku put his arms back around him and leaned in to whisper in his ear, "Forget that old shit, Axel… You look hot and I just want to fuck you right here and now…"

Imagine that; it really was working! Axel chuckled; feeling like something warm was wrapping around his heart and suddenly making the situation seem less miserable. Riku must be so confused and scared, and _still_ he was trying to cheer him up…

"You really are amazing," he whispered in his ear, making sure to breathe into it. "Don't _you_ have any magic words?"

Riku pulled away, giving Axel a sad but hopeful smile that almost broke his heart. "Well… That would probably be 'Riku, be my boyfriend'…"

Axel chuckled again, though there was nothing funny about the situation. He could feel his smile growing stiff and unnatural on his lips, and the walls seemed to be closing in. He wasn't ready for that in the first place, and with Roxas just downstairs… All those old feelings that had suddenly started swirling like when you disturbed the sand on the bottom of the sea…

"Yeah…" He smiled half-heartedly. "Uhm, you're definitely boyfriend material, but…"

"Don't say anything more." Riku looked away, and all happiness was again drained from his voice. "I was stupid to bring that up in the first place."

Axel wanted to tell him he wasn't stupid at all, if anyone was, it was _him_; but he was interrupted by a knock at the door. Maybe it was just as well; that was such a fucking cliché thing to say anyway… Though it was true.

"Hello? It's Kairi; can I come in?"

"Yeah." At Riku's answer, the door creaked open and Kairi peeked inside.

"Sorry if I'm interrupting something," she said, blushing slightly as she noticed their rather suggestive position, with Riku on his knees in between Axel's legs. "Uhm, we're going to eat now, so if you want any pizza you should probably come down before it runs out. Seems like people were hungrier than we thought!"

Riku got to his feet, nodding stiffly. "We're coming." He started walking away without waiting for Axel, forcing him to get up and half-jog after him to avoid being left behind. God-damn it! How did he manage to hurt Riku, when that was the last thing he wanted?

This really wasn't what he had pictured would happen when he got Riku alone in a room with him. He had wanted to be comfortably drunk, so he could have told Riku that maybe he was falling in love with him too. And he had hoped that it would make Riku as happy as Axel felt about the things Riku said to him…

It was all Roxas fault for showing up out of nowhere and messing with his head! God, he had really grown up to be a total fucking knockout! No longer a little boy, but clearly a young man… Axel had barely had eyes for anything else when they suddenly stood face to face, and his heart had been pounding so hard he thought he was going to drop dead any moment.

It would take a shitload of beer if Axel was going to get through this evening… What if Roxas started making out with that little girlfriend of his? Just the thought of it made him want to smash something.

"You should go and clean up," Riku told him when they got out in the light of the corridor. Kairi was already hurrying down the stairs. "You have makeup all over your face."

Axel nodded, touching Riku's arm and giving him a pleading look. "Will you wait for me?"

Riku nodded, his blank expression softening somewhat. "Yeah."

X

Roxas picked with his food, listening to Sora and Tidus' conversation without being able to concentrate. Riku and Axel had been the last people to come out in the garden with their food, but Kairi had saved them places at their table, so now Roxas was sitting just opposite his former boyfriend, and trying very hard to ignore that fact.

He wasn't doing a very good job, though. It was impossible to not look his way every now and then, and every time his heart jumped nervously in his chest. He had thought about faking illness so he could leave the party and get out of this nightmarish situation, but part of him didn't want to leave.

Roxas was very upset with that part of himself. Axel had just hurt him, and Roxas had never been as miserable as during the time they were together, so why did it almost in some twisted way feel _good_ to see him again? Once again he glanced over at Axel, and saw that he was looking his way too. Roxas quickly turned his gaze away.

He wished he could say truthfully that the memories of their relationship were all bad, but they weren't. Axel had been too much and too rough, a fire that would burn you if you got too close, but _gods_, the heat and passion! Roxas was ashamed of it, but he still fantasized about it sometimes. Being with Naminé was just so totally different from what it had been like with Axel… Mostly in good ways. Naminé was sweet and safe, where Axel had been mean and violent; but sometimes Roxas missed just being swept off his feet and being _taken_…

He couldn't resist looking at him again. This time the redhead was staring into his food, absently shuffling a small piece of pizza around on the plate, and Roxas took the opportunity to study him closer.

Axel really looked much healthier than Roxas remembered. He was still frighteningly thin, but his cheeks were not hollowed out like they had once been, and his eyes were clear and not glazed and bloodshot from whatever he had used to take to get through the days. That was good, he guessed. Those things covering his forearms though… It must mean the rumors Roxas had heard about him trying to kill himself by slitting his wrists were true. Had he done that because of him? Because they broke up?

Roxas didn't know what to feel about that. He knew Axel hadn't handled their breakup well, that much was evident from the hundreds of pathetic phone calls and text messages following it; but he had always figured Axel would just numb himself with drugs and screw some of those other guys that he never seemed to be able to keep his hands off anyway, and eventually get over it. Maybe it hadn't been that easy.

Roxas hastily crushed the small flutter of happiness that thought awakened in his stomach. He couldn't afford getting soft on Axel, but maybe… Maybe he could admit it felt good to at least see that he seemed to be doing better nowadays, that he was alright…

Over the years and with some distance to their relationship, Roxas had realized that things had probably not been very easy for Axel either. When he was fourteen he had thought that whole destructive lifestyle had been oh so cool, and that Axel had had all the answers, but now it just seemed sad and Axel had probably been very lost… Not that it made him any less of an asshole, but at least it was a little easier to understand.

Suddenly Axel looked up again, and their eyes met for a short moment before they both turned away, Roxas trying hard to calm his racing heart.

This situation was so awkward! Axel was drinking heavily from his can of beer, and he seemed to be just as uncomfortable as Roxas about meeting like this. He had barely said anything, which certainly wasn't like him… Would it go on like this the entire night?

Maybe it would be better if they just talked… Even if it just meant they agreed to avoid each other, or something. Taking a deep breath, Roxas cleared his throat and spoke up before he had time to change his mind. "Axel, do you still smoke? I'm going to go around front and have one."

Axel looked up, apparently surprised about being addressed. His green eyes looked almost scared. "Uh, sure… I'll join you."

Roxas swallowed, feeling both relieved and even more nervous at once. He had had no idea if Axel would agree, but he was glad that he had, so he didn't have to look like a total fool for asking. He stood up, and waited for Axel to also rise, and then they walked away from the table.

"Back soon," he told Naminé over his shoulder. His gaze flickered over at Riku, who was sitting very stiffly in his chair with his face locked in an expressionless mask. Yeah, there was definitely something going on between him and Axel…

They didn't talk as they walked all the way out on the street on the other side of the house. Roxas kept his gaze in the ground, but he could feel Axel's eyes on him, and his hands begun to sweat. What the hell was he going to say to him? It felt like there were a thousand questions he wanted to ask, but still he couldn't think of one.

His hands were shaking as he dug out his pack of cigarettes from his pocket. Roxas didn't smoke much nowadays, only at parties or when he was really in the mood for it… Meaning when he was really nervous. Like now. When he tried to light his cigarette; his hands were too weak and sweaty to keep the flame going. He tried a few times, to no use, making him even more stressed out.

"Hold on." Axel suddenly held out his own lighter and lit up Roxas cigarette. His hand was shaking slightly too, Roxas noticed with some relief. It felt better knowing that it wasn't just him that was nervous…

He dared a quick look up at his ex boyfriend's face, and even felt his mouth form a faint smile that was mirrored on Axel's features. This moment felt almost like a weird reflection of the time they first met… Then it had been him lighting Axel's cigarette. "Thanks."

"So… I guess you didn't expect to run into me around here, huh?" Axel blew out a cloud of smoke. His tone was casual, but his voice not entirely steady.

"No. Not exactly." That had to be the understatement of the year! Roxas had to concentrate hard to stop himself from giving out a nervous giggle. "What are you doing here, Axel?"

"Well, I live here now…" Axel shrugged and put the cigarette to his mouth, drawing another breath of smoke. Then he shot Roxas a small, crooked smile. "I thought I wouldn't have to deal with anyone from my past in a remote place like this… Look how that's working out for me!"

"Yeah…" Roxas smiled back carefully. He wondered what Axel was thinking about seeing him again… Did he also think that it felt at least a little good?

There was a period of silence after that. Neither of them knew what to say, and they seemed to have a problem with eye contact. Roxas shifted his stance awkwardly and took long, heavy breaths of his cigarette, hoping to finish it as soon as possible.

It was Axel that first broke the silence.

"Look, Rox…" he said seriously, and Roxas heart jumped in his chest. "I know you probably don't think very highly about me anymore, but I'm really trying to change. And… I know it won't make anything better, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry about everything I've done to you." He was quiet for a moment, and then repeated almost whispering, "I really am."

"Okay…" Roxas breathed. He hadn't expected an apology, or that Axel would cut right to the chase, and didn't quite know how to handle it. Luckily, he didn't have to say anything more, because Axel wasn't finished with his little speech.

"Everything was going to hell back at home, so I moved here to kind of get a fresh start… No one knows me here, and I like it that way. You don't owe me anything, but I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about what kind of person I used to be."

Roxas watched him and his pleading expression, suddenly feeling cold inside. So that was why he was so uncomfortable. Not because of all their history, but because he was afraid Roxas would tell people what kind of person he really was. Or maybe more like tell _certain_ people.

"You don't want Riku to know."

Axel nodded uncertainly. "No, I don't…"

"Is he your boyfriend, or something?" Roxas really hoped his suspicions were wrong; it would just be so weird if Axel was with someone he considered one of his close childhood friends.

"Or something…" Axel shrugged and watched him intently, and Roxas fought to keep his face expressionless. "I'm not ready for boyfriends yet. Anyway, who's that girl you're with? I didn't even know you were bi…"

_Or something…_Knowing Axel, Roxas knew what _that_ had to mean. Sex, and probably lots of it. He hated that thought. He guessed he couldn't blame Axel for wanting Riku; he had really grown up to be totally gorgeous and Riku was good at everything; it was probably amazing to be in bed with him. It just hurt, because like everything else, sex hadn't been working at all for him and Axel. Roxas had been too young and shy and scared to be able to give Axel what he wanted; he just couldn't relax and it always hurt…

Axel had cheated on him with millions of guys because of it. He could still remember one of those many times when he had been upset and yelling at Axel about it, and Axel had finally snapped.

_You only agree to sex about twice a month, or when you're too wasted to care, and when you do it's worthless anyway. Maybe if you weren't such a lousy fuck, Roxas, I wouldn't have to rely on other guys; ever thought about that?_

Roxas had cried himself to sleep for a week after that, and then he had never said anything about it again, letting Axel fuck him no matter how much it hurt.

"Maybe I'm not ready for boyfriends, either," he replied. He could feel a blush starting to heat his cheeks and he had to look away. "Naminé is really sweet, and I know I can trust her. She would never hurt me."

"Okay…" Axel watched him with a strange expression on his face. "I'm sorry I was such a horrible fucking boyfriend, I really am. You deserved better… I'm never going to… I'm not like that anymore, not with Riku."

Roxas felt like something broke inside him, and he threw his half-smoked cigarette on the street. "Well, Riku's lucky he's good enough for you to want to change for him then!" His voice cracked and his eyes flooded with tears, for some reason he couldn't quite pinpoint. It just hurt to see Axel, and trying to talk to him had been a mistake.

Roxas turned and fled back into Selphie's garden.

X

Axel watched him run, feeling stunned. God-damn it! He hadn't meant it like that! He had just wanted Roxas to know that he wasn't going to be an ass to Riku too, in case he was worrying about that, and now he had fucked up completely.

He really hadn't expected Roxas to be so… _nice_. He had expected him to spit and scream and give him the kind of hell he deserved, but instead he just seemed sad and nervous, and it broke Axel's heart at the same time as it made him strangely happy. Roxas had meant everything to him, and thinking that he had nothing but hatred for him had hurt so much, even if he knew he deserved it. Maybe Roxas didn't hate him… In some ways that was even sadder. How broken was he inside?

Axel abandoned his cigarette too, and hurried after him, catching a glimpse of his chequered shirt at the last moment before it disappeared among some large bushes.

Axel slowed his steps to a walk, approaching the shrubbery carefully.

"Hey, Rox?" When there was no answer, Axel sat down on his hands and knees to look in between the branches, and now he could clearly see Roxas sitting curled up in there, his arms wrapped around his knees.

"Go away."

Axel swallowed. Maybe he should? He didn't know if there was anything he could say that would make Roxas feel better anyway… Maybe it was better if he just left before he caused even more damage. But then he shook his head, and started to crawl in between the branches. "Wait, I'm coming in…"

Roxas looked up, his face red and puffy from crying. "Why? I don't ever want to talk about you with anyone, so you can just go, okay? Your secrets are safe."

"Really?" Axel stopped for a moment. Maybe he should be content with that.

"Yeah, just go!"

"Rox… I never meant that I wanted to change for Riku but not for you."

"I don't care what the hell you meant! And stop calling me 'Rox'!" Suddenly Roxas started to cry again, and Axel bit his lip. He felt awful about this. It was his fault Roxas was sad, and that thing he had said about not being ready for boyfriends either was probably his fault too… If he could just do something!

He crawled the rest of the way up to Roxas and sat beside him.

"Sorry… You can beat me up if you want to," he tried. "I deserve it."

"I don't want to beat you up."

"Well, that's a relief I guess… You're much bigger now!" Axel had hoped that the small joke would at least make Roxas chuckle, but no such luck. He just continued hulking with his face pressed against his knees. Axel sighed. "You must really hate me…"

There were some long moments of silence, in which Axel was starting to feel really miserable.

"…I don't hate you."

Okay. So it was like he had both hoped and feared. He frowned and reached out to stroke Roxas shivering back carefully. "Why not? I was a fucking asshole with you… I would hate any bastard who treated me like that. I hate myself for that, you know… Can't sleep sometimes."

Roxas shrugged his hand off, still refusing to look at him.

Axel didn't know what more to say. This situation was starting too feel much to familiar, with Roxas being hurt over something stupid Axel had said or done, and he didn't like it at all. Not only did it make him feel like a prick, but all too vivid memories of the desperate feelings he had had for Roxas was also starting to surface… All the lust he had been forced to bottle up, and his insane fear that Roxas would realize that he was too good for a piece of shit like him… It hadn't exactly been the happiest time of his life, and it didn't make him any happier now.

"Do you want me to leave?" He hoped Roxas wouldn't say no, because something inside him wanted to stay and fix what he had broken, but it was really Roxas' call.

"I don't know…"

The soft, muffled reply made a tiny spark of hope glimmer in Axel's heart. He reached out his hand again, touching Roxas' shoulder very carefully, and this time Roxas allowed it. They sat like that in silence for a while, Axel wondering what he was supposed to say. All explanations and excuses he thought of just seemed stupid to him. What could you really say when you had acted like a complete asshole? Sorry? It just wasn't enough.

"I always felt like I wasn't good enough," Roxas suddenly whispered. "You always twisted everything so that it seemed like it was my fault… I know it wasn't, but…"

_Roxas_ had felt like he wasn't good enough? Axel stared at him. He knew he had a habit of saying really nasty stuff sometimes, and Roxas had sure heard a lot of it, but… It was always in defence, when Axel was feeling so hurt or cornered himself that biting back was his only way out. And Roxas had almost constantly made him feel like that.

"Roxas…" Axel wrapped his arm around the smaller boy. He wasn't sure if the gesture was welcomed or not, but if Roxas wasn't going to protest, _he_ sure needed the contact. "Don't tell me you actually listened to all the crap that came out of my mouth? I only said stuff like that to make myself look better… I never meant any of that bullshit. I thought you were like some kind of angel of flawless perfection, and I was scared as hell you would think _I_ wasn't good enough for you."

To his surprise Roxas leaned in to his half-embrace, and lifted his head from his knees to look at Axel. "Really?"

Axel nodded, looking deep into Roxas blue eyes for the first time since he saw him today. Red and puffy, they were still beautiful, and they still seemed to pierce right into his soul. "I loved you more than everything."

Roxas studied him for a few moments and then turned his head down again. "It didn't really seem like that…"

"I know… I messed everything up."

"Idiot."

"Yeah…"

Silence settled over them once again, but at least this time Roxas wasn't crying, and Axel had his arm around him and his warm body pressed against his side. It felt good. He was still nervous and filled with conflicting feelings, but it also felt like something big and dark that he hadn't even been aware of was starting to dissolve around his heart.

"This is nice," he stated.

"What is?" Roxas threw a rather suspicious glance at him.

Axel shrugged. "That we're even talking. I was so freaked out when I saw you through the window… I almost had a heart-attack! I had no idea you and Sora were cousins, or that you were going to show up here tonight. I thought you were going to kill me."

"I was thinking about it," Roxas muttered, but the edge was taken off his words when he leaned a little heavier on Axel.

Axel chuckled. "What made you change your mind?"

"I guess you didn't do anything stupid enough… Or maybe I was just too chicken."

There was a short silence.

"Actually it felt almost good to see you after a while… You seem different. And you don't look like you're starving to death anymore." (Was that supposed to be a compliment?) Roxas paused, but added almost immediately, "I've been wondering sometimes; how you're doing… I heard…" He glanced at Axel's cloth-covered wrist, and Axel automatically checked to see if the arm socks were in place. So he had heard… Axel frowned. It would have been kind of nice if he had at least come and visited at the hospital… Or maybe it would just have upset him. It was hard to imagine that something could have made him more upset than he already was at that point, though.

"Well, things were kind of grim for a while, but I think I'm doing better now…" Axel wet his lips. Maybe he could talk to Roxas? Or was it selfish to dump his problems onto him, when he had already had to suffer so much of Axel's shit? "It still feels so hard, though…"

"What does?"

Axel smiled. If he _asked_ about it, there was no harm in telling, right? "You know, trying to live a normal life? I don't do any drugs now, and I even have a job… It's so weird; it doesn't really feel like _me_."

Roxas chuckled softly. "You're right, it doesn't sound like you."

Axel rolled his eyes. "Thanks, Rox…" He squeezed his shoulder a little, then continued more seriously, "It feels like all this will blow up in my face at any time; that people will see that it's just a façade and that I'm really just a useless piece of trash."

Roxas' smile faded, and he looked at Axel strangely. "When you say 'people', you're talking about Riku again, aren't you?"

"I guess…" Axel tried to understand what Roxas' expression was, but couldn't figure it out. "I like him a lot. It's not just him though, I just don't wa-"

"Do you love him?" Roxas interrupted.

Axel retracted the arm he had slung around his shoulders and leaned away from him, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. He scratched his hair. "I don't know, Rox… That's scary stuff."

"Why?"

Okay, maybe talking to Roxas hadn't been such a swell idea… He could really do without this kind of questions. _And_ that accusing look.

"Oh, I don't know," he said sarcastically. "Maybe because last time I loved someone it was a disaster, and when he finally left me, what was left of my life was so fucking depressing I tried to kill myself?" Maybe that came out a little too sharply; it wasn't like he blamed Roxas for ruining his life. It had been shit all along, it had just seemed worse without him. Unbearable.

Roxas looked down into the ground. "I never meant to hurt you… It just didn't work anymore."

"I know. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"It's okay. I'm not supposed to listen when you crap out of your mouth, right?"

Axel's lip quirked upwards in a half-smile. "Right."

"So you're in love with Riku, you're just scared to admit it?"

Axel's smile was short-lived. "Damn it, Roxas! Will you shut up about Riku?"

There was a sudden flare of anger in Roxas eyes. "No. It's kind of weird coming here to find out you've hooked up with one of my oldest friends, you know."

"Well, it's kind of weird seeing you with some girl too," Axel snapped back, immediately entering defensive mode. No way was he going to let Roxas make him feel guilty about something he hadn't even known about! He already had more than enough of that.

He guessed he wouldn't have been too thrilled if he was the one that had discovered Roxas was now with someone he considered a friend, though… Not that there were very many people like that left. He took a deep breath.

"Sorry, I'm a little stressed out… So you and Riku; are you close?"

Roxas shrugged, and Axel could see his chest too heave from exhaling heavily. "I haven't seen him in a couple of years, but I used to spend the entire summers here as a kid. Sora is my favourite cousin, and he and Riku kind of were a package deal back then."

Axel chuckled and nodded. "I'm beginning to reach that conclusion too… I don't know if Sora likes me very much, though."

"Why is that?" Roxas eyed him, suddenly looking wary.

Axel felt insulted. Of course Roxas immediately had to think _he_ had done something wrong… Not that he could really blame him for that, but damn it! What was the point of trying to change if no one believed you had anyway? He shrugged irritably. "I don't know… I guess I'm the big bad wolf who turned his best friend gay, or something."

To his surprise Roxas actually smiled at that.

"I wonder what he'd say if he found out you did that to his cousin too…"

Axel laughed, his irritation suddenly vanished. "It's probably best if he never finds out..."

Roxas nodded, still smiling. "I think so too."

Axel stopped laughing and looked at Roxas with a bit of caution. "I told Riku, though…" Maybe he shouldn't have done that, but at the moment he had been too upset to think straight.

"You did?" Roxas smile faded, and he glanced at him uncertainly. "What did he say?"

Axel wet his lips. "We didn't really have time to talk about it before Kairi burst in and told us to get down for pizza… I guess he was surprised." Axel shrugged, not wanting to go into too much detail about that conversation. It hadn't ended very well, but he guessed it could have been a lot worse.

Roxas didn't ask anything more, even though there still was a worried crease on his forehead. He shifted a little on the ground. "Do you want to get back to the party? I guess we can be civil with each other now… At least I'll be."

Axel looked into his eyes. "The last thing I want is to cause anymore trouble for you, Rox."

"Alright…" Roxas directed a faint smile towards him, but it was soon replaced with a hesitant frown.

"What?"

"Are you… Are you going to be all cuddly with him?" Roxas didn't even have to say who he meant, Axel understood right away, and his stomach made a happy, little flip. So Roxas would be uncomfortable watching him with Riku? Sadly, there was really no need for him to worry though. He snorted.

"Hardly! He's so deep in the closet it's scary… You should hear the list of rules he set up for me if I wanted to come along tonight!"

Roxas laughed, and Axel rolled his eyes and continued. "I don't even get what he's so afraid of; he's so goddamn buff, I doubt anyone would even dare _look_ at him the wrong way! I'm a fucking twig, but you don't see me hiding what I am."

"Really now." Roxas looked meaningly at his wrists.

Axel glared at him. "That's different!"

"The point is that everyone has stuff they don't like to talk about."

"Yeah, I get it…" Axel sighed. "Maybe it would be easier if everything didn't seem so fucking _perfect_ around here… I feel like I'm never going to fit in."

Roxas nodded. "I know what you mean. If there was at least _one_ person throwing up on the couch, it would feel a lot less strict."

That made Axel give out a surprised laugh, and he looked at Roxas approvingly. Damn it felt nice he wasn't the only person thinking like that…

"Don't expect to much of them," he replied. "I'd be happy if they just put on some decent music!"

Roxas giggled. "The throwing up would probably be easier to accomplish…"

"Probably…" Axel smiled and searched out Roxas eyes. He had almost forgotten what it was like to just be talking normally with him. It wasn't like they had _always_ been at each other's throats, even if it sometimes felt like that… This was nice, it really was. Never in his wildest dreams (and he had some pretty wild dreams) had he expected that meeting Roxas again would turn out like this.

He shifted his hand on the ground so his fingers touched Roxas' lightly. Blue eyes looked back at him, and for a moment they just _connected_. Axel thought about kissing him, but managed to convince himself it was a bad idea, and then suddenly it was over, Roxas turning his gaze away.

"Uhm… Maybe we should go back." Roxas was sounding slightly nervous again, and Axel wondered if he had been thinking about kissing too.

He shrugged as he watched the few remaining rays of light making it through the thick foliage turn patches of Roxas hair into bright gold. He had always liked how Roxas hair looked in the sunlight, and he really wouldn't mind hiding away from the world with him for a little while longer…

"You decide. I want to do whatever you want to do." Roxas looked at him uncertainly, but Axel kept his expression calm. Maybe that had come out sounding a bit suggestive… He hadn't meant it that way, but when he thought about it, he didn't really care if Roxas thought he had.

Roxas studied him hesitantly for a long time, and then he nodded and licked his lips. "I guess they can manage without us a little while longer… Have you been to the beach yet?"

X

Riku checked the time on his cell phone again. More than an _hour_ now!

He had long since finished his pizza, and the party had moved inside, but Axel and Roxas were still missing. Riku had gone and looked for them in the front yard, and when he couldn't find them there; he had walked up and down the street, and then he had searched Selphie's entire house, but still no sign of them. He had tried to call Axel like nine times, but he wouldn't pick up.

_Where the hell is he?_

Now Riku had taken refuge in a dark corner under the stairs, so that he could be alone with his thoughts and wouldn't have to talk to anyone. He didn't know anymore if he was pissed or worried; it was probably both. Either way it was probably best to not subject the other people at the party to his bad mood.

He wished Axel would show up soon, so they could leave. He didn't care if Selphie would be hurt; he couldn't stand a minute more than necessary of this stupid party.

He fiddled with his cell phone again. _Ten is a charm?_

_No._ Axel could call _him_. If he wasn't to busy fucking Roxas…

Riku's gut clenched at the thought. _He wouldn't._ Or would he? Roxas had grown quite a bit since Riku last saw him, and he had to admit that he wasn't exactly unattractive. Somehow Riku didn't think Axel was the kind of guy that would turn down an opportunity…

He was going to break his fucking nose! What kind of hypocrite was he to get all jealous about Sora, and then have the nerve to disappear for hours with his god-damned ex boyfriend? Okay, maybe it was just one hour, but still!

"Riku? What are you doing sitting here all by yourself?"

Riku groaned inwardly at the sound of the voice addressing him, and looked up to discover the last person on earth he wanted to deal with right now, sticking her head around the frame of the stairs.

"Leave me alone, Selphie." His voice came out as an irritated snarl, but if he thought that was enough to discourage Selphie, he was mistaken.

"What's with the frown? This is a party; you're supposed to have fun!"

"Whatever." Riku turned his face away, hoping that Selphie would get bored with him and leave. Instead she crouched down and scuttled into the already cramped space under the stairs to sit next to him.

"What happened to your friend?" she asked once she had made herself comfortable; sitting a little too close for Riku's liking. "I haven't seen him for a while."

Riku just shrugged and took a heavy drink from his beer. At this rate, _he_ would be the one ending up too drunk, not Axel. He was already well into his fourth.

"He was kind of cute," Selphie continued. "Well, not exactly _cute_, but, you know, there was something about him…"

Yeah, Riku knew. He frowned, feeling a sting of jealousy even though he knew Axel wouldn't be interested in Selphie. Couldn't she find another guy to swoon over?

"I thought you were going for Keiko," he muttered. _The poor bastard._

"Aww, man…" Selphie sighed and shook her head. "Give me some of that." She reached for his beer can and took a gulp from it, swallowing with a grimace. There was a moment of silence.

"I guess I can tell you, since you're more mature than the other guys… And I know you can keep a secret."

Riku shrugged again, a little surprised to see Selphie drink beer. He was even more surprised Selphie knew of something and it was still considered a secret. She was sort of a gossip…

"Promise you won't tell anyone!"

"Alright, I promise…" He was actually getting a little curious now.

"Well, okay…" Selphie sighed, looking miserable. "Keiko is gay."

That certainly caught Riku's attention. "Really?" he asked carefully, not wanting to sound too interested.

"Yeah… Who would have thought?"

Not Riku, that was for sure. It was probably stupid to think he was the only gay person on Destiny Islands, but as far as he had known; he was… Except for Axel, of course, but he didn't really count since he was from the mainland. Keiko wasn't, though. It felt good knowing there was at least one other person just like him, facing the same problems. And if there was one, there were probably more…

"How did you find out?"

"Well, eh…" Selphie scratched her head, and actually blushed slightly. "Maybe I was a little _over-enthusiastic_ in showing my interest… Eventually his sister told me to stop pestering him, because I was making a fool out of myself chasing someone who didn't even like girls in the first place. She was kind of blunt… That bitch!"

Riku chuckled, forgetting about his worries and bad mood for a moment. He could easily picture Selphie stalking the bushes around Keiko's house until his sister got enough of her…

Selphie glared at him. "Stop laughing, you bastard! I really liked him!"

"Sorry…" He guessed it wasn't really that funny; after all he knew what it was like wanting someone without even standing a chance to get them… "So how do you feel about that? That he's gay, I mean?"

Selphie pouted, suddenly reminding Riku strongly of Sora. "I think it sucks, obviously!" She sighed. "Ah, well… At least I know it's got nothing to do with _me_ this time."

"Yeah…" Riku wondered if that statement was really a hidden question. He knew Selphie had liked him a year or so back (it had been impossible to miss, really), but he had just done his best to avoid her, and eventually things had calmed down. He never meant for Selphie to think it was because there was something wrong with _her_, though… Maybe he should say something about Axel, so she didn't get her hopes up about him too? It wasn't like Axel was shy about being gay anyway…

"I should probably tell you Axel is gay too…"

"Man! Are you serious?" Selphie's shoulders slumped, and her eyes were filled with surprised disappointment. "Is everyone gay? I could have _sworn_ he was flirting with me!"

"He probably was… I'm beginning to think he flirts with everyone," Riku answered without thinking.

"Oh? Is he flirting with you too?" She was just teasing, but Riku had no idea how to answer that question, and he felt his face heat up. Selphie laughed at him, but stopped when she realized he really was embarrassed. She stared at him wide-eyed, and he could almost see how the pieces of the puzzle fell together in her mind.

"The hickey…" she breathed. "It was him, wasn't it?"

Again his face decided to do the answering for him, as he felt his cheeks getting even hotter. He had plenty of other hickeys now; just that Axel put them in places that weren't so easily visible…

"Oh my god… You like him!" She continued staring at him for what felt like minutes, and then she finally nodded slowly to herself. "Wow… That explains a lot…"

Riku swallowed, feeling a slight panic welling up inside him. Selphie, the biggest gossip on Destiny Islands, just found out he liked another guy. Was everybody going to find out now? He certainly didn't want his parents to find out by hearing it from somebody else… But maybe she could keep quiet? They _were_ friends, even though they weren't exactly close, and after all she didn't seem to be talking to everyone about Keiko.

He wondered what she was thinking about it. She didn't seem totally disgusted or anything, but she did seem pretty shocked.

"Does no one else know about this?"

"Sora and Kairi knows… I haven't told my parents." He looked at her, seeking out her eyes. "Could you please keep quiet about it?"

"Yeah… Of course." She nodded, still staring at him like he was some sort of alien being. Then a small smile pulled at the corner of her mouth. "So I guess you really did bring a date…"

Riku smiled back carefully. "Yeah…"

Selphie chuckled. "You know, all this time… I kind of thought you were a bit stuck up, with all the hordes of girls throwing themselves at you without anyone ever being good enough. I like this option better."

"Uh… Thanks?" Riku really didn't know what to say to that. It felt kind of bad that he may have hurt a lot of girls' feelings by not being honest about who he was. He hadn't really thought about it like that before.

Selphie laughed and shook her head. "This is so surreal! I wonder who else is gay? I mean, it could be anyone! I think I need another go at that…" Once again she snatched the beer can out of his hands and drank deeply. "So…" she started when she was finished, wiping at her mouth with the back of her hand. "Where is Axel now? Shouldn't you be together? Did you fight about something?"

Riku would have laughed at the 'lets-get-down-to business' tone of her voice if the answers to those questions weren't so depressing.

_With his ex, yes _and_ I don't know._

He didn't know if what happened up in Selphies brother's room could be considered a fight, but things were not good between them, that much he was sure of. Axel didn't want to talk to him, he didn't want to be his boyfriend and now he was gone for over an hour with Roxas, who he had said he _didn't know_ if he still loved. Riku closed his hand into a fist, once again feeling that unreasonable anger that he didn't know how to handle. He had to turn his face away from Selphie as tears started to burn his eyes.

He didn't know what had happened, just last week everything had seemed so perfect, and Axel had acted like he thought Riku was the greatest thing in the world… He still did, but Riku had started to doubt it was more than acting. There seemed to be so much going on under his carefree surface, and the veritable flood of emotion that had poured out of him earlier up in Selphie's brother's room only proved that point… And as he had suspected, none of those emotions had anything to do with him.

Maybe he was starting to think Riku really wasn't so great? They were so different… Riku didn't have some dark, mysterious past; he didn't like music, which seemed to be one of Axel's biggest passions, and all of _his_ interests, like sports and the gym Axel thought were completely meaningless.

"Riku?" He could feel Selphie's small hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay?"

He shook his head. "No… Get Sora. And tell him to bring another beer."

Selphie did not remove her hand from his shoulder immediately. "Are you crying? Did I say something wrong?"

Riku shook his head. "No… It was kind of a fight, I guess."

"Okay…" Selphie hesitated another moment, then slung her arms around him in a quick hug before she crawled out of their hiding place again. "Stay here, I'll get Sora."

Riku nodded, even though Selphie had already left.

X

Sora was half-lying on the couch feeling stuffed to the point of nausea when Selphie came running and tugged at his arm. He didn't know how he came up with the stupid idea to have a pizza-eating contest with Tidus and Wakka, but he sure regretted it now. It wasn't like he had had any chance of winning to start with, Wakka could wolf down _anything_. He burped miserably and looked up at Selphie.

"What?"

"Riku wants to talk to you."

Sora rubbed at his belly. "Well, he can just come here then. I'm too full to move."

"No, I mean…" Selphie bent down to get closer, and it wasn't until then Sora noticed her worried expression. "He _really_ wants to talk to you. He's upset about something… I've never seen him like that before."

"Upset?" Sora frowned. He could easily guess who was making him upset… "Where is he?"

"I found him sitting under the stairs brooding."

"Okay. I'll take care of it." Sora heaved himself up with a slight groan, to Wakka and Tidus' great amusement. Sora glared at them, and started to wobble away, feeling both nauseous and slightly worried. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't seen Riku for quite some time… The last time must have been at least half an hour ago. He had asked if he had seen Axel or Roxas anywhere, and when Sora had said no, he had disappeared again. Had something happened?

He looked around the room, but couldn't see his cousin anywhere. Naminé was sitting in a corner with Kairi giggling about something with their heads close together.

He went out into the hall, and bent down with some difficulty to peer into the dark corner under the stairs, and just as Selphie had said, Riku was sitting there, resting his head in his arms, which were in turn resting on his knees. An empty beer can was lying on the floor beside him.

"Hey there buddy, are you alright?" he asked carefully, suddenly remembering one of Selphie's birthday parties when they were kids… Riku had been hiding here then too, upset that Kairi and Selphie had been chasing him and pulling his hair. Sora suspected that things were a bit more serious this time.

Riku looked up at the sound of his voice, but didn't say anything. Sora thought his eyes looked a little fuzzy though, so he considered that a no. "Hang on," he told him and started to crawl in beside him, once again wishing that he hadn't eaten so much pizza.

"What's up?" he asked when he was in place, panting slightly from the effort.

Riku shrugged, not meeting his eyes. Sora had expected at least a half-hearted joke about his eating habits, but it seemed like Riku wasn't in the mood for even that right now. He bit his lip.

"Where is Axel?"

Riku shrugged again, but this time turned to look at Sora. "I don't know… With Roxas, I think. He won't answer the phone." His voice dropped to a whisper at the last statement, and Sora struggled to grasp the situation.

"Okay… Why? Did you fight about something?"

"Not really." There was another shrug, and then silence.

Sora frowned. He didn't quite get what the problem was here… Was Riku worried that something had happened to Axel because he didn't answer his phone? But he had said he thought Roxas was with him, and it made no sense to be sitting here sulking if he thought he was in some kind of danger.

There must be something else, something Riku wasn't telling him. Or maybe he was just unreasonably pissed because Axel didn't answer his phone; Sora wouldn't put it past him. Riku tended to blow silly things out of proportions sometimes.

"Maybe he's not answering because he turned the sound off? Maybe he just wanted to catch up on old times with Roxas without being bothered?" he tried.

"That's what I'm worried about." Riku had turned his head away again and was glaring out into the open space in front of him. He had balled his hands into fists, and Sora didn't think he had ever seen him look so angry. It was kind of scary.

"What?"

"What is it you don't get?" Riku suddenly turned to him, and Sora couldn't help shying away from his furious expression. "He's gone for almost two hours now with another guy, and he doesn't answer the phone!"

Okay, when he put it like that it wasn't too hard to see the problem, even if it seemed insane. And did he have to yell at him? Sora frowned and glared back at him, unconsciously closing his own fists. "So what are you saying here? You think they slunk away somewhere to do the dirty version of catching up? That's ridiculous, Riku! Did you miss that Roxas came here with his girlfriend?"

"Jesus Christ, Sora! Some people swing both ways!"

Sora stared at him, on the verge of opening his mouth to say that there was no way Roxas was like that, but then he wisely chose to shut up. After all he would never have thought Riku liked guys either… And when he thought about it, Axel and Roxas had seemed pretty awkward around each other, not exactly like old friends that were happy to meet again. He suddenly felt very stupid.

"You think… they had some sort of relationship?"

Riku seemed to shrink in front of him, as he nodded and averted his eyes. Just a moment ago he had been blazing with anger but now he just seemed small and sad in a way that made Sora's heart ache.

"Axel said they used to be a couple… Then I had to comfort him while he cried about it, and when I asked if he still loved him, he said he didn't know, and then he said it was none of my fucking business."

Okay, there was definitely something Riku hadn't told him… Sora was suddenly so angry he was having trouble keeping his pizza down.

"He said what?" He sat up and put his arms around Riku, who was vainly trying to hold back his sobs, and pulled him tightly to him. "Don't care about that idiot, Riku! If he so much as touches Roxas, I'm going to kill him, and if he doesn't, I'm going to kill him anyway for making you cry!"

Riku chuckled slightly, though he was still sobbing, and Sora could feel his wet eyelashes flutter against the skin of his neck as he rested his head on his shoulder. He suddenly noticed he had tangled his fist in Riku's hair, and let go of it, trying to smooth out the sleek locks of silver as best as he could. He felt a shiver run through Riku's body in his arms, but he ignored it. Comforting your best friend when his almost-boyfriend was being a bastard could hardly be considered erotic, could it?

"I don't think you have to worry, though…" he said, burying his nose in Riku's hair. It smelled good. "I'm pretty sure Roxas wouldn't cheat on his girlfriend while they're here on their one year anniversary! I don't know what Axel is capable of, but an _anniversary_, Riku! That's huge!"

He felt a warm puff of breath on his neck as Riku sighed. "I hope you're right."

"And Axel would have to be a complete _moron_ to throw you away for Roxas!" Sora continued, feeling how he was getting worked up again. "I mean, not that there's anything wrong with Roxas; but who would go for some old ex that is already taken when they could have someone like you that's obviously crazy about them? I think he IS a moron for not jumping at the chance to be your boyfriend… And you're much better looking than Roxas anyway!"

Sora felt a small pang of triumph as he could hear Riku laugh through his sobs at that.

"I'm better looking than Roxas?"

The triumph was gone as soon as it had come as the teasing tone of Riku's voice made Sora wish he would have kept that opinion to himself. But there was nothing really strange about thinking a guy was good looking, was there? It was just an observation.

"Yes, I think so," he replied, determined not to let Riku make him embarrassed this time.

"So you're basically admitting I'm hotter than you?"

Sora could almost hear the smirk in his voice, and hit him on the head. He had to chuckle though, because it was kind of funny how he had walked right into that one.

"Shut up! He doesn't look that much like me…"

"No, you're right," Riku answered, trying to sound serious. "He's taller, more built, blond…"

"You're so _mean!_" Sora pouted and punched him in the gut, feeling offended as Riku just laughed at him. He had thought they had a pretty nice moment there, but of course Riku had to ruin it... "I'm glad you're feeling better, but do you have to be an ass about it?"

"Come on! You were practically begging me for that one…"

"I was NOT. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the concept, but I was trying to be _nice_." Sora let go of him to cross his arms defensively, the pout still firm on his face. "You're always making fun of me, Riku!"

"I'm sorry…" Riku looked at him hesitantly and gave him an uncertain smile. "If it makes you feel any better, I'd pick you over Roxas any day."

Sora could only stare helplessly at him as he felt his face explode with colour. "Riku..! You can't say stuff like that!"

"Does it freak you out?"

"Yeah, a little..! But thanks, I guess…" Sora started fiddling nervously with his shirt, not knowing where to direct his gaze. It wasn't just that it freaked him out... What was worse was that it almost felt good to hear. It wasn't like he wanted Riku to like him... but it actually was kind of flattering.

"Hey…" Riku scooted a little closer to him, and Sora glanced at him nervously. "I haven't said this, but maybe I should… Even if I like you a lot and it wouldn't exactly be awful to make out with you; I'm perfectly happy with just being your friend. Honestly."

Sora breathed a small sigh of relief. For a moment there he had thought Riku was going to... He beat the thought away and smiled weakly at his friend. His cheeks still felt like they were burning... He might as well ask now that he was already as embarrassed as he could get. "It wasn't always like that though, was it?"

Riku swallowed and eyed him nervously, and then slowly shook his head.

Sora took a deep breath. "Okay… Then maybe I shouldn't kill Axel after all."

Riku snorted. "What, is he your saviour now?"

"Kind of…" Sora giggled and poked Riku's side to indicate that he wasn't really serious. "Anyway, I'm glad you like being my friend because you're not getting rid of me."

Riku just smiled and put an arm around him, leaning his head on his shoulder.

"_Not exactly awful..._" Sora muttered, deciding that the moment needed some comic relief. "You sure have a way with words; no wonder you're so popular with the guys."

Riku chuckled. "I'll just have to rely on the fact that I'm so much hotter than you."

"You do that," Sora said, giving up. Riku always got the last word...

They sat in silence for some time. Sora wasn't too keen on moving since his belly still felt like he had swallowed a basket ball, but they couldn't be sitting under the stairs for the rest of the evening.

"Let's go get a couple of beers," he suggested, even though he felt like he would probably explode if he tried to fit anything more into his stomach.

"Okay." Riku lifted his head off his shoulder and made a move as to get up, when he froze and hesitated. "Are you sure I don't have to worry?"

Sora nodded uncertainly. He really wasn't sure about anything anymore...

Riku sighed. "It's so hard to know sometimes if I should really be worried or if I'm just making things bigger than they are... I mean, maybe they're just talking."

"Yeah..." Sora patted his shoulder. "From what I've seen it sure seems like Axel likes you, anyway."

Riku nodded slowly. "He says he does... But he doesn't talk to me and he doesn't seem to want anything serious. And lately, I've kind of been trying to give him some space... in case he thinks things are moving too fast. What if he thinks – "

"Stop it," Sora interrupted him. "Whatever he thinks it's not your fault."

"Okay..." Riku nodded and took a deep breath, smiling almost shyly towards him. "You always make me feel so much better, Sora." Then he crawled out into the light, and Sora followed, hoping that he had done the right thing when he told him not to worry.

X

_More Author's notes:_

_Sorry about the absurd length of this chapter... but I really didn't want to split it up. And sorry again that I haven't updated for ages, I have no time! __(I'm actually at work right now, hehe!)_


	10. Sexual healing

_Author's notes and summary:_

_Since at least one person liked to have a summary at the start of the chapter, I'm gonna do it again… It bothers me that people will have forgotten everything between my way too few updates! :-( Mea maxima culpa!_

_I think I'll only cover the last chapter this time though… If you don't remember anything, check the previous summary! So:_

_Riku brought Axel with him to Selphie's birthday party, on the condition that he wouldn't 'act gay' and everything was going relatively well until Roxas showed up._

_Turns out he is Sora's cousin, and is visiting Destiny Islands with his girlfriend Naminé to celebrate their one year anniversary. After some angst and general nervousness, Roxas decided to drag Axel away for a smoke to talk things out, and after some more angst they start to realize that time really is a healer and they are actually starting to like being around each other again._

_Instead of going back to the party, they decide to go down to the beach, and that was the last we saw of them in last chapter…_

_Riku is starting to wonder what the hell is going on when hours pass and Axel is nowhere to be found and not answering his phone. Since Axel told him earlier that he and Roxas used to have a relationship, he is starting to suspect the worst and his mood is not at its peak._

_Relationship status of Axel and Riku:_

_Still just sex. Riku is head over heels, and wants them to have a real relationship as soon as he's out of the closet. Axel knows this, but isn't ready to tie his personal happiness to another person before he feels he's in control of his life. He has now told Riku he doesn't want to be his boyfriend three times._

_

* * *

_

**Sexual healing**

X

"Riku, it's your turn again!" Sora grabbed his friend's shoulder and shook it gently, to turn his attention away from the clock on the wall and back to the poker game.

"Oh." His eyes momentarily fixed on Sora, and then shifted to the cards laid out on the table. "Uh… I check."

And just like that, his concentration was gone again, his gaze staring blankly into nothing and his hand reaching for his beer can.

"You can't check," Sora insisted, feeling a little frustrated. "Wakka just raised."

Riku looked up at him again, his eyes starting to look hazy.

"Fine. Then I fold."

"Man, what is with you?" Tidus complained. "You're not even paying attention!"

"Yeah," Wakka agreed, leaning back on his chair and crossing his arms as he gave Riku a flat look. "Snap out of it, ya, you're ruining everyone else's fun!"

"Hey, hey!" Sora interrupted, glaring at them and putting his arm around Riku's shoulders defensively. "Riku's just a little tired; be nice!"

Wakka and Tidus exchanged a look.

"Tired, huh? More like a little _drunk_," Tidus snickered.

"Or a lot," Wakka filled in. "Did you even look at the time? It's barely past ten and you're about to pass out; not very cool, ya."

That made Riku come back down to earth, though not in the way Sora would have preferred. He stood up in one, swift motion, almost knocking over his chair, and threw his cards on the table, his expression murderous. "I know what time it is," he growled and stalked away, leaving Tidus and Wakka looking very surprised.

Sora groaned and put his own cards down. "Sorry guys, I've got to take care of this!" He smiled apologetically and then got off his chair to hurry after Riku before they had time to ask any questions.

After they had had their talk under the stairs, everything had been okay for a while. Riku had seemed to be feeling better once he had gotten his worries off his chest, and had actually been socializing with people… He had even agreed to dance with Selphie for a while, which Sora had found slightly shocking. Riku _never_ danced, especially not with Selphie.

His good mood hadn't lasted very long, though. As the hours dragged out without Axel and Roxas showing up, his spirits had begun to sink again, to finally reach rock bottom when Naminé had started asking around for Roxas, because she couldn't reach him on his cell. After that he had started spacing out, wandering the house restlessly and snapping at anyone who talked to him, until Selphie told Sora he needed to do something about his friend before she threw him out.

Sora pouted angrily. Why was Riku always _his_ friend and _his_ responsibility whenever the less pleasant sides of his personality started to show? Riku really wasn't the easiest person to deal with when he got into his moods… Sora had hoped that getting him involved in the poker game would distract him from thinking too much about what Axel and Roxas was or wasn't doing, but obviously the effort had been in vain.

Not that he could blame him for being upset… things were undoubtedly starting to look a little fishy. He didn't want to believe it, but what if Riku's suspicions were actually right? It was hard to think of a good reason Axel and Roxas would be gone for so long and both be ignoring their phones, unless they had been hit by a car or something… And that was certainly not a better alternative!

There was still a chance they had just gone somewhere to talk and didn't want to be disturbed, but then couldn't they just have said so instead of making everyone worried? If it was Kairi that had disappeared somewhere with an ex boyfriend without saying a word, Sora guessed he would have been upset too… It was hard to even imagine such a situation, though. First of all, Kairi didn't _have_ an ex boyfriend, and second, he didn't think she would ever behave like that.

Sora sighed. Maybe it was perfectly rational to be worried; he just wished Riku would lay off the beer for a while. Tidus and Wakka were right, he _was_ getting drunk, and not just a little. Sora was pretty sure it did nothing to help his mood.

Seeing that his friend was just about to start wading through the throng of dancing teenagers in the living room, Sora called out in an attempt to stop him before he lost sight of him.

"Riku, wait!"

At his call, Riku actually stopped and turned halfway to look at him, swaying slightly where he stood. Relieved, Sora hurried over to him and put an arm around his waist to stabilize him before he fell and hurt himself or something.

"You seemed a little wobbly," he told him when he received a questioning stare.

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

Riku closed his eyes and leaned heavily on Sora. "No… Where's..? I had a beer."

"You don't need any more beer. Come on, let's go sit down and talk somewhere. Or maybe you should get some sleep? I promise I'll let you know when Axel gets back."

"No, no." Riku shook his head stubbornly. "I need to be awake… I should be looking for him."

"Riku…" Sora sighed again, staggering under his friend's weight. "I don't think there's much you can do. Either you wait and see if he shows up here again tonight, or you just go home and sleep and call him tomorrow."

"How the hell am I going to sleep?"

Sora gave up. "Alright, alright. We wait… Though you should really go easy with the beer; Tidus and Wakka were right, you know."

"I just thought it might feel better…"

Riku sighed and hung his head, taking a stumbling step that nearly made Sora fall over.

"Well, does it?" he commented, unable to keep himself from sounding slightly sarcastic. The whole situation was unnerving him, and Riku was just making it worse.

"Not really… I don't know, maybe I'm not drunk enough? I just don't want to _think_ anymore."

"You don't have to think if you go to sleep," Sora pointed out, but Riku just huffed at him and squirmed out of his hold, starting to push himself through the crowd. To the kitchen and a refrigerator packed with beer, Sora realized with a sinking feeling in his heart. He was already worried sick about Roxas, did Riku really have to add to his stress?

Maybe he should just let him drink until he passed out.

He glanced over at where Naminé was sitting with Kairi and Selphie looking through photo albums with some other girls from school. He was glad that Kairi was taking care of her and keeping her mind off Roxas… The small blonde had seemed a bit worried before, but at least she didn't know that Roxas and Axel used to have a relationship. He wondered if he was supposed to tell her, but decided for maybe the fiftieth time that it would be better to just wait until Roxas got back and hear what he had to say.

That was also why he hadn't told Kairi anything yet. He suspected that she would be of the opinion that it was 'something Naminé had a right to know', and even though he kind of agreed with that, he just couldn't rat his cousin out before giving him a chance to explain things himself. He didn't like it one bit, though.

Naminé seemed to be a sweet girl, and it really wasn't appropriate for Roxas to sneak away with an ex boyfriend on his anniversary! And especially not when that ex boyfriend was someone that Riku was in love with… If he found out something fishy really had been going on, he was going to be very upset with his cousin.

He looked wistfully at the other teenagers dancing and having fun, and wished that he didn't know anything about this mess. He should be among them too, dancing with Kairi…

Sighing, he started walking for the kitchen to check on Riku.

X

The beach at sunset.

It was a magnificent sight, with the palm trees cutting dramatic, dark silhouettes against the bold colours of the sky, and the sun's dying light playing over the waves as it sunk beyond the horizon. The sand seemed to stretch on forever in both directions, and far away there were other people moving. Lovers or just people walking their dogs, Axel didn't really care which, as long as they were nowhere close. He wanted this time and place just to himself and Roxas, who was walking by his side with his hands shoved in his pockets and his head turned down. He seemed to be somewhere far away in his mind, not even paying attention to the beautiful scenery, and Axel wondered if he was having second thoughts about coming here with him.

He hoped not. In his mind it was perfect.

"Are you cold?" he asked, just to have something to say, though it actually was getting chillier. It must be because they were so close to the ocean, because usually the nights were warm.

"A little." Roxas shrugged and cast a quick glance at him. Then he surprised Axel by stepping closer and wrapping an arm around his waist. "Before you try some cheesy move," he offered as explanation.

Axel rolled his eyes, giving out a slight chuckle. He actually _had_ been about to make a small move on Roxas… "What," he joked, draping his arm over Roxas shoulders and pulling him a little tighter to him, "don't you want me to _warm_ you on this chilly evening?"

"No." Axel was surprised again as Roxas stopped and wound both arms around him somewhat hesitantly, leaning in to rest his head against his chest. "No excuses. I want you to be honest with what you feel… why you're doing this."

_Doing what?_

"I… want to know what's going on."

Axel wet his lips. He was having a bad case of the butterflies with Roxas so close, holding him… Why was he holding him? This could not be brushed off as friendly comfort, like earlier in the bushes; this was stepping into forbidden territory. Though it was territory that used to be theirs.

"I'm not sure what's going on," he whispered, laying his head on top of Roxas', so that he could smell his hair and feel it against his cheek. God, how long had it been since he had held him like this? He let the arm that was not already slung around Roxas' shoulder slide around his waist, and placed his hand in the small of Roxas' back, just revelling in the feeling of his body pressed against his.

It was so damn good to have him back in his arms, to find out that he had been wrong. Roxas didn't hate him… He had moved on, but apparently there was still some small place left for Axel in his heart. He took a deep breath, and continued, "…whatever is going on, I like it."

Roxas kissed him then, and Axel let him. For a moment he wondered if it was really such a smart idea, with Riku and Roxas' girlfriend waiting back at the party… He didn't give a shit what _she_ thought; Roxas had been his before she had even met him, but he didn't want Roxas to get in trouble because of him. Axel would probably be in a lot of trouble if Riku found out about this, but what the hell… It wasn't just any guy he was kissing, it was _Roxas_.

It wasn't like he had promised Riku to not see other guys either, though he guessed it was one of those silent agreements. _He_ sure didn't want Riku to be with anyone else, and he thought he had managed to get the message across... It wouldn't be too much of a stretch to assume that Riku expected the same of him. But again, this wasn't anyone, and everything is fair in love and war, wasn't that how the saying went?

As if sensing he needed a distraction, Roxas ran his tongue over Axel's lower lip, before pulling away to look him deep in the eyes, and all doubts – hell; all thoughts whatsoever – were washed away, as Axel stared back into endless blue.

He pulled Roxas back and bent down to kiss him again and again until their bodies were pressed tightly together and their limbs all tangled up in each other. They fell down in the sand, rolling over so that Roxas was lying on top of Axel, and then continued kissing. It felt familiar, but also strangely new, as if they hadn't already done this hundreds of times. Most of all it just felt so damn right, like they needed this… Axel couldn't concentrate enough to make any deeper analysis than that, not when Roxas' fingers were tangling in his hair and he was breathing his name against his lips. It was just so fucking good and Axel didn't want to think about anything other than Roxas hot tongue slipping in and out of his mouth.

He had no idea how long they were making out, but the fading sunlight was replaced with moonlight when they parted again. He had felt his cell phone vibrate in his back pocket several times, and he was glad he had put it on silent earlier so Roxas couldn't hear it. No doubt it was Riku wondering where the hell he was...

It made him feel a little guilty, but only a little. Somehow the emotion seemed to be floating in a void outside him, like if he and Roxas were no longer part of the rest of the world, but had entered a strange pocket in time where they still belonged to each other.

He smiled and ran his fingers through Roxas' hair, over his cheek. "Our relationship may have been messed up, but at least we got the kissing right."

Roxas gave out a small laugh and smiled back at him almost shyly. "Yeah… I had almost forgotten how fucking great it was."

That comment called for another kiss, but they soon broke apart again, too exhausted to get at it seriously again. Axel's lips felt swollen and sore when he ran his tongue over them, tasting blood. Roxas rolled off him and curled up by his side, resting his head on his shoulder.

"It feels so weird," he sighed. "Like a dream."

Axel could only agree, understanding exactly what he meant. Their relationship was in the past and this was an illusion; a memory, and they would have to wake up eventually. Not yet, though.

"Probably the best dream I ever had," he said and watched as the shadows on Roxas face shifted to outline his sudden smile.

"Do you really mean that?"

"Yeah." Axel smiled, absently running a hand through Roxas hair and wondering why his heart felt so light. "How about you?"

"I don't know… Just a few hours ago I was wishing I had never met you, and now I'm making out with you on my one year anniversary."

Axel just gave out a slight grunt in reply. He had kind of wished Roxas wouldn't bring up his girlfriend or that what they had just done was highly inappropriate. This was _their_ moment, and he just wanted to enjoy it and deal with the consequences later.

They lay together in silence for a while. The sand was cold and a little damp, and the chill was starting to get to Axel, now when the passionate kisses had ended. He tried to think up something to say that was _not_ about Riku or Naminé or what would happen now. It would just suck too much if the dream was over already.

"What's Riku like? In bed, I mean?"

Axel frowned and sat up on his elbow, looking down at Roxas hesitantly. The choice of topic surprised him, to say the least. "Uh… Do you really want to talk about that?"

Roxas made a shrugging motion, smiling slightly. "I'm curious… Is he good?" It was hard to tell in the darkness, but Axel thought he could see a blush darkening Roxas' cheeks. "He's really hot…"

"Rocko!" Axel smirked and poked Roxas's side. "Have you been checking him out?" For some reason he found the idea amusing and wasn't bothered by it at all; he would gladly share Riku with Roxas (though not with anyone else). Just as long as they didn't start liking each other more than him… now _that_ thought bothered him.

"No!" Rokas squeaked, squirming away from Axel's poking fingers. "Just a little…"

"Well…" Axel stopped torturing him and leaned back on his shoulder. He didn't know if this was a very good subject… It wasn't just that he preferred to not think about Riku right now, he also wondered how Roxas would react if he told him how fucking amazing Riku really was between the sheets. He sure as hell wouldn't want to hear, or even think, about Roxas in bed with his girlfriend. He wasn't going to lie to him, though, and he _had_ asked for it…

"'Good' just doesn't even begin to describe it…" he admitted.

He watched Roxas expression closely, but he didn't seem offended, he just nodded and pursed his lips as if he was thinking about something.

"What does he do that is so great?"

Axel raised an eyebrow. "What does he do?" Again the question was a little strange, but he couldn't help a grin creeping onto his lips as he thought about all the things that made Riku the best goddamn fuck ever. "I don't know if it's so much about what he does as it's about his attitude towards it… I mean, sure he's a great kisser and he gives good head, but what I really like is how he's so fucking dirty and innocent at the same time…" Wasn't that the truth. Riku could be all shy smiles and blushes one moment, and then he would shock Axel by just doing something incredibly dirty or suggestive in the next. He felt a little warmer as he remembered Riku placing his hand on his hip and teasing him about the rules earlier.

"He just drives me crazy… He's really curious and lets me do whatever I want to him; obviously I like that!" He smirked at Roxas, who was watching him with his mouth slightly open, and then continued. "He loves taking it up the ass and he doesn't mind being handled a little roughly; in fact I think he's turned on by feeling like a dirty slut… Sometimes when I accidentally pull his hair or something, he just moans like you wouldn't believe... That's another good thing, that he's loud… You can really tell when he appreciates something!" He paused, searching for the right words to wrap up his rant, while images of Riku naked on his back flashed through his mind. "He just loves to fuck. And on top of that, he's so sinfully gorgeous… Sometimes I think I could get off just by looking at him."

Roxas looked at him, somewhat wide-eyed. "Wow… It sure sounds like you're enjoying yourself…"

Axel snickered. "Maybe you should go home with us tonight?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

Roxas turned his gaze down, suddenly looking not so happy.

"What's the matter?" Axel touched his face, worried that he may have been talking about Riku a little too affectionately. It was just kind of hard to hold back when he started thinking about it… He had even been wishing lately that Marluxia was here and still his friend, so he could high-five him and brag about Riku's greatness. Sometimes he felt like he was just bursting to tell someone.

Roxas took a deep breath. "I just… It doesn't feel so good that we – that I'm… That it was never any good."

"I know…" Axel suddenly felt bad again. He had always wished that there was at least one good memory of him and Roxas in bed together, but there wasn't. Some were better than others, but they all ended with Roxas sobbing or writhing in pain or fear, or doing the all-time classic dead fish routine.

Not having anything nice to think back to had almost been the worst thing of all after the break up. He had wanted to remember Roxas wrapping his legs around him and smiling up at him, but instead his memories had only told him that he was a monster and that Roxas had done the right thing escaping him. Missing someone so much it hurt, while knowing it was your own fault they were not around anymore, _really_ wasn't a good feeling.

"I wanted it to be good, but I…" He sighed. How could he even try to explain this? "I wanted you so much, and I was used to, uh… kind of rough sex, and patience have never been one of my virtues, so… I guess I kind of forced myself on you."

"I could have said no." Roxas shrugged, but he looked as if he was close to tears. "I also wanted it to be good… You really turned me on, and I thought a lot about sex, but the real thing was just too..."

"Hey… Don't blame yourself. You were so young… it's only natural that you felt that way. And I know it's not always so easy to say no." He stroked Roxas cheek as gently as he could, amazed that it felt so different from what he remembered. More angular, with a hint of stubble… "I'm not sure I would have listened anyway. And I shouldn't have been talking about Riku like that…" _Though you asked._

It made him happier than it should to hear Roxas say that he had turned him on, and that he had wanted to have sex at least in theory. In his darkest moments he had thought that maybe Roxas had never felt anything but scared and disgusted with his sexual advances, but maybe he had actually liked it at least a little..? He was ashamed that it felt so good to think like that, since what he had done to Roxas was still horrible… But it _did_ feel good.

He smiled and tapped Roxas nose with his index finger, about to ask if he still turned him on, but Roxas spoke before him.

"Am I the worst sex you ever had?"

Axel stared at him incredulously. What was with these weird questions? It hadn't exactly been good, but _worst?_ It had still been _them_; how on earth could that be _worst?_ Did Roxas really think that Axel was going around thinking about him as nothing but a bad lay?

"No way! It wasn't so great that you didn't seem to like what we were doing at all, but at least _I_ did. Worst… Jesus, do you even know what kind of freaks I've run into?"

Roxas let out a sniffling chuckle, sounding relieved. "Tell me!"

"Eh…" Axel didn't know if he wanted to, the worst times had been really bad, and some of those times he _really_ preferred not thinking about. He had always been too skinny to be able to put up much of a fight, and there were lots of people out there who didn't have any moral qualms about taking advantage of that. What the hell, though. Roxas already had so much dirt on him, and he was sort of feeling chatty. And making Roxas feel better was more important than any discomfort on his part, anyway.

"Once I followed this body builder guy home… I guess I was intrigued by all the muscle, or something. He seemed alright at first, but as soon as we got inside his apartment, he just went completely crazy. I think he was on steroids or something… He got me into a stranglehold, and I seriously thought he was going to kill me, but every time I was about to pass out he loosened the grip a little so I could get some air before he started again. He had a huge cock too, and he tore me up so bad when he fucked me I couldn't walk straight for a week." He shrugged. "That was a pretty bad one…"

Even if Axel could remember much worse incidents, Roxas was still staring at him with wide eyes. "That's horrible!" he exclaimed in a kind of whispered shout. "I… I thought you were going to tell me about someone who farted or drooled on you, or something…"

Axel stared back at him, at his blue eyes that were filled with sympathy and worry. To be so naïve… He wondered what that was like, thinking that farting or drooling was the worst things that could happen during sex, and suddenly he felt so completely broken. Used up. People were not supposed to have the kind of experiences he had.

He wished he hadn't said anything, or at least that he had chosen to tell Roxas about a less colourful experience… He had slept with plenty of people whose worst crimes were their bad hygiene or that they were plain boring; he could have told Roxas about one of those times, made it into a funny story, made him laugh… The way he was looking at him now, with worry and pity, was stirring something up inside him, and it didn't feel good at all. He wasn't quite sure why, though.

"Was that when we were together?" Roxas wondered, reaching up to twirl a strand of his hair around his finger.

"No, it was some time before that…" It was when Axel still hadn't learned that people just couldn't be trusted. He would never follow someone home like that today.

"Good…" Roxas sighed. "I would have hated it if I had yelled at you about cheating after something like that…"

Axel chuckled, despite feeling increasingly miserable. He wasn't going to tell Roxas, but he actually _had_ been yelling at him at some pretty inconvenient times… Some of the things he had done for money were just… It didn't matter though.

"It's okay, I don't think about that stuff very often."

"You don't?" Roxas voice was hesitant. "That doesn't sound like the kind of experience you just shrug off…"

"Well, I was scared, but I didn't die, he just fucked me… And that was pretty much the plan from the beginning, anyway." He rolled over, turning his back on Roxas. Even though he truly didn't think that time mattered that much anymore (that guy probably just had some strangulation fetish he had to decided to live out whether Axel liked it or not), he still felt filthy talking about it. Roxas was right, it shouldn't be something you just shrugged off, but somehow he could. Probably because he had been used and let people use him so many times before that he just didn't care anymore. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Axel…" Roxas sounded sad when he wrapped his arms around him from behind and pressed his face into Axel's neck. "About us… I'm sorry too."

"What do you mean?"

It took a while before Roxas answered, but when he did Axel was oddly touched.

"I thought you were so strong, that you could handle anything… I wish I could have seen that you had your problems too. Maybe I could have been more of a support then… And less of a brat, you know?"

"Rox!" He flipped over, so that he once again was facing Roxas, knocking him down on his back in the process. "You didn't do anything wrong!" He shook his head and felt one corner of his mouth pull up in a smirk, as he looked down on him. "If I didn't want a brat, I shouldn't have robbed the cradle…"

Roxas chuckled, but the serious expression never left his face. "And if I didn't want to get burned I shouldn't have played with fire… I mean it, Axel… I've been so mad at you for so long, but maybe we were just a bad combination? Like we brought out the worst in each other. Maybe we tried our best, but being who we are, there just wasn't much we could do?"

"I don't know, Rox…" What he was saying _did_ make some sense, Axel had been wishing sometimes that Roxas would have been a little more mature, would have understood him better… He had been seeing everything in black and white like young teens very often did, and that hadn't exactly been ideal with so many of Axel's actions belonging in the darker light spectrum. The constant criticism had _really_ grated on him, but still…"You were just a kid, but I wasn't. I should have known better."

Roxas just looked up at him, a mysterious smile curling his lips and his eyes like dark pools in the faint light. "I'm not a kid anymore."

Axel chuckled, a little surprised with Roxas forwardness, because if _that_ wasn't an invitation, he didn't know what was. "I noticed."

Leaning over Roxas, he bent down to claim his mouth again. Just a soft kiss, since his lips felt so sore and Roxas' didn't seem to be in any better shape, but it still sent small jolts of electricity down his spine.

Roxas kissed him back, just as softly, but his hands were eager as they found their way up under Axel's T-shirt, running over his back and sides. Axel didn't know if it was the touches or his sudden anticipation that made his entire body shiver and tingle. Maybe it was the shock of Roxas for once wanting him and initiating something that was more than just kissing.

He started feeling out Roxas body, more boldly than before, taking note of all the little things that had changed and the things that were still familiar. Nipples hardening under his fingertips, toned, flat stomach clenching under his touch, coarse hair trailing from his belly button down into his pants, where Axel could feel his erection growing fast.

Feeling Roxas' body respond to him wasn't totally unfamiliar, but it hadn't come effortless and willingly like this when they were together, and Axel loved it.

He could tell that Roxas loved it too, or at least his body did…Although it worried him a little that his hands had started to shake so much, and that his breathing was starting to sound shallow and irregular, almost panicked.

"Are you sure about this?" he whispered in his ear.

Roxas swallowed audibly, but there was no hesitation in his eyes when Axel pulled away to look at him. "I want to know what it's like now when I'm not just a scared little kid."

"I think you seem a little scared," Axel pointed out. He would gladly admit he was scared himself… what if he hurt Roxas again? He would never be able to forgive himself then.

"Well, can you blame me?" Roxas sent him a small glare, but his expression soon softened again. "It's nothing like when we were together, though... I feel – I want it now."

He wanted it? Axel looked down on his ex boyfriend, taking in his no longer quite so boyish features and the foreign expression upon them. _Lust._

He wasn't just lying to make Axel happy, he _did_ want it, and Axel thought he could understand, because he wanted it too. Or rather, he wanted something about them that was beautiful and pure… If he could have Roxas here, on the shimmering sand under a starlit sky he would never have to think about pressing him up against the wall in some dirty toilet again.

"I'll give you anything you want," he promised, looking deep into Roxas eyes and realizing with a small amount of horror that he actually meant it. It would be far too easy to just fall into this moment, to believe in this dream. To love.

Had he really ever stopped loving Roxas anyway?

Roxas didn't tell him what he wanted, he just put his arms around Axels neck, pulling him down for another kiss that was almost unbearably slow and sensual, turning Axel's blood into molten lava and again clearing his mind from all conscious thought.

He did however remember to let Roxas set the pace this time, and kept his hands occupied with 'safe' areas of Roxas body. His hips, sides…his hair and his face. At first Roxas also kept his touches innocent, but after a while his hands started to stray, shyly and carefully feeling him out.

Axel remembered that he hadn't used to touch him much when they were together, not in a sexual way, anyway. Maybe he had been afraid that Axel would take anything that wasn't chaste as an invitation to sex… Maybe he had wanted to experiment, but just hadn't been ready to take it as far as Axel wanted. Maybe he would have been ready if Axel had given him some time.

He had been such an idiot… He didn't know why Roxas was giving him this second chance, but he would take it and he would do everything right this time. Roxas could have all the time he wanted… Axel really enjoyed his slow exploration of his body, anyway. It wasn't necessarily the sexiest experience in his life, but he felt loved, appreciated, and coming from Roxas that meant a lot to him.

He shivered as Roxas ran a hand through the hair at the small of his back, coming dangerously close to sliding a finger down his pants and in between his butt cheeks. All those careful touches was beginning to feel increasingly erotic, teasing Axel's erogenous zones without giving him enough to feel really good.

It was torture and bliss at the same time.

Maybe Roxas wouldn't mind if he sped things up just a little? He started unbuttoning his shirt, and Roxas moaned his name into his mouth when his skin was exposed to the chilly air. Axel suddenly realized that they had stopped kissing, but that their lips were still pressed together, like they had both just forgotten what they had been doing. Whispering Roxas name back, he remedied that by moving his lips against his, slowly sucking them until Roxas responded hungrily.

Removing the rest of their clothes was slow. It was cold, and both of them seemed to be unwilling to pull away from the other for very long. That dream-like feeling still lingered, and Axel caught himself irrationally fearing that Roxas would just dissolve into the sand if he let go of him. The need for skin-on-skin contact finally prevailed though, and after a while they were lying tangled up and naked in the sand, using Axel's T-shirt as a makeshift blanket.

"Jesus, Roxas," he whispered into his ear as he let his tongue delve into it, "Do you have any idea how I've been longing for this?"

Roxas just gave out a muffled moan, arching up towards Axel so that their hips rolled together in a very satisfying way.

"I've missed you so fucking much…"

"Axel…" Roxas voice was hoarse and pleading, and his hands shook as they reached down to wrap around Axel's cock, steering it in between his legs.

"Easy…" Axel leaned on his left elbow as he put a hand on Roxas wrist, stopping him. "Not like that; wait a minute…"

He groped for his pants, lying abandoned to the side, reaching into the pockets until he found what he was looking for. He had brought one of those small once-only use packages of lube that were often handed out along with condoms at clinics or concerts and festivals… Riku had said that sex was absolutely out of the question tonight, but Axel had thought it was best to be prepared, just in case Riku would be more open to the prospect after a couple of beers.

He ripped the package open with his teeth and handed it to Roxas, smirking. "Always prepared…"

Roxas chuckled as he squirted out the contents of the small bag in his hand. "I should have guessed… Here I was getting worried all for no reason."

_Worried…_ Axel bit his lip. He really wanted to be on top, but…

"You can do me if this scares you…"

Roxas was silent for a moment, looking up at Axel with an expression Axel couldn't make out with the darkness turning his face into a hazy blur. He thought he was considering it, but then he shook his head.

"No… I don't want to be scared of it anymore. Just… you know. Heh… be gentle, I guess?"

Axel chuckled, but nodded, closing his eyes and gasping as Roxas' hand once again closed around him, moist and slick. He would be anything Roxas wanted.

The lovemaking was an almost spiritual experience, with the rhythm of the waves rolling into shore guiding their motions. It was slow and sweet, and very different from how Axel usually did it, but no less exciting. Their lips remained locked together the whole time, although sometimes they were just breathing into each other's mouths, getting dizzy from the lack of oxygen.

Roxas was clinging to him tightly, trying to meet Axel's thrusts with his hips, and it was evident from his ragged breathing and low moans that he was enjoying himself. Unlike Riku, Roxas was a quiet lover, but Axel didn't mind. It only made him even more aware of every subtle change in his breathing pattern and body language, and made every moan and gasp feel like a victory. Strangely it also made him more aware of his own sounds, his own pleasure.

As much as this was for Roxas, it was also for him, and closing his eyes, he focused inwards on what felt good for himself, and just trusted that it would make Roxas feel good too. He wasn't worried about hurting him anymore, not with Roxas response being so eager… He had both his arms and legs wrapped around Axel's waist and back, and one hand tangled in his hair, much like Riku always had.

They must have been lying there for quite a while, but Axel still wished time would just freeze when Roxas suddenly whimpered his name and he could feel his cum pulse out on his stomach. He wanted to just continue fucking him forever, and he almost regretted it when the feeling of Roxas tightening and clenching from the aftershocks pushed him too over the edge.

The orgasm was intense though, and Roxas held him and kissed his moans away as he released inside him. That was definitely something new, and it made Axel's heart ache with emotion in the midst of his rush of pleasure. He opened his eyes and wished that the moonlight would have been brighter, so he could have seen the colour of Roxas' eyes. That brilliant sky blue that just made you want to _soar_.

Instead he was coming back down to earth, to weak and trembling limbs, sore lips and chilly air, but also to a warm and welcoming body in his arms, and he smiled. It was over, but it had been good… more than good. Sex was really something else when it was with someone that mattered, not just something you were doing.

His grin widened and he sought out Roxas eyes.

"This is what your first time should have been like," he told him, stroking away a sweaty lock of hair from his forehead. _And my first time too…_

Roxas smiled tiredly (but happily) and reached up to touch Axel's cheek. "We can pretend it was… I don't remember my first time anyway."

"Yeah…" Axel felt a twinge of shame and smiled at Roxas apologetically. "That's probably a good thing. I was just wasted and had no idea what I was doing; I doubt it was very pleasant."

"This was, though…" Roxas smiled and kissed his cheek, an expression of childlike wonder on his face. Axel felt a little better and grinned at him.

"Sure was."

They lay there cuddling and giggling and just enjoyed the afterglow for a while, but as their bodies calmed down, it was soon starting to get cold again, and they had to get up.

Putting their clothes back on was slightly awkward. Roxas had to go into the ocean to clean up between his legs and Axel had to go in after him to try and wash away the cum-stains from his T-shirt. Since they had nothing to use as a towel, they had to don their clothes while still wet, and even though they tried to shake the sand off the garments, it still seemed to be everywhere. Slowly the magical feeling was slipping away as the real world with its thousands of little inconveniences made itself known again, and the inevitable question was hanging in the air.

_What happens now?_

Glancing over at Roxas, who was struggling to slide his jeans over his wet legs, Axel could see that he was watching him worriedly as well, probably wondering the same thing but not wanting to bring it up.

But someone would have to do it…

"Are you going to tell her?" Axel asked, thinking it was a less direct way to approach the subject.

"I don't know…" Roxas shrugged, and looked at him hesitantly. "Are you going to tell Riku?"

At least Axel knew the answer to that. He shook his head firmly. "Why would I? It would only piss him off, and he's not even my boyfriend anyway."

Roxas nodded and said nothing more. Axel wished he would, so that he could understand what he was thinking. Maybe he was already regretting everything and just wanted to go back to his girlfriend to pretend it never happened? It scared him that this may be the last time he ever saw Roxas, or at least had a chance to talk to him.

"Can't you say something, Roxy?" he pleaded.

"I don't know…" Roxas gave him a small smile. "What do you want to hear?"

That was a good question, and Axel had no real answer. Maybe somewhere deep within, he wished that Roxas would just say that he still loved him, and that he wanted them to be together again, but he had no idea what he should answer to such a proposition.

It had taken him so long to stop thinking about Roxas… So much pain. Why would it work this time when it hadn't before? They had both changed, but that was still no guarantee that it would work out. Maybe it was worth taking the risk, though. The feelings were still there…

He must have looked as lost as he felt, because Roxas hopped over to him, his pants still only halfway up, and hugged him.

"I think…" he took a deep breath, and looked into Axels eyes. "Maybe we should see this as a happy end to our sad story?"

Axel's heart died a little. "You mean I'm never going to see you again?"

"I didn't say that…" Roxas hugged him tighter. "But we're both involved with other people… It just doesn't feel right."

"Maybe you shouldn't have kissed me then," Axel muttered.

Roxas gave him a loose punch in the gut. "I said 'happy end'! I don't regret kissing you. I don't regret anything."

Axel took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "But you don't want it to happen again."

"Yes, I do." Roxas smiled and pinched Axel's butt, and he couldn't help chuckling at that. "But, you know… We were never very good together. I mean, I still have feelings for you, but who's to say it's not just going to end in disaster again? I don't think I could take that… And… It's a little different with Naminé, but I'm happy…"

Roxas looked up at him, his eyes large and filled with emotion. Axel had to look away, feeling an irrational sting of pain in his heart. Roxas seemed to be reasoning very much like himself, so he didn't really understand why it hurt so much to hear him speak like that, but it did.

"Yeah, stay with the girl," he muttered. "I never made anyone happy, that's for sure."

"I never made you happy either," Roxas whispered, turning his head down.

Axel had no answer to that, because it was true.

"Bad combination, huh?" he said after a long period of silence. "Maybe you're right about the happy end."

Roxas looked up again, and Axel thought he could see tears in his eyes, glimmering in the moonlight. "It feels like I'm breaking up with you again…"

"Rox… It's okay." Axel put his arms around him, suddenly wanting to comfort him. "I want you to be happy. I wish _I_ could have made you happy, but I screwed up…" Then he broke down in tears himself, letting out heavy sobs into Roxas hair. It _did_ feel like they were breaking up…

But it wasn't like the last time, when Axel's entire world had seemed to shrink and lose all colour and meaning. This felt more bittersweet… Maybe if everything had been different, if they hadn't met at the completely wrong time, when Axel's life was just a destructive chaos and Roxas was too young and unsure of himself to keep his footing in that downward spiral; maybe then they could have been happy.

But now things were as they were, and it was too late to do anything about it. At least they had this evening now; a taste of what could have been and a beautiful memory of each other. And that was fucking _something._

X

Roxas felt Axel's thumb stroke his fingers as they neared Selpie's house hand in hand. The music could be heard faintly even out here on the street, and Roxas saw the silhouettes of people dancing inside through the windows. Seemed like the party had picked up the pace…

It was unlikely that anyone would see them when it was so dark outside, but Roxas let go of Axel's hand anyway, casting a regretful glance at him. He wondered if he had made a mistake making up with him… In a way it had been so much easier to be angry. He hadn't missed him or worried about him then, but now he knew he would.

They had decided that from now on they would just bury all old grudges, and pretend they were old friends. They would tell everyone at the party that they had just been taking a walk on the beach, doing some catching up… In a way it was even true.

No one, except maybe Riku, would have any reason to doubt their story, but Roxas still felt his stomach twist into a tight knot of nervousness as they climbed the stairs leading up to the front door. It felt like what they had just done was etched into his forehead in large, burning letters, and for maybe the tenth time he tried to brush any remaining sand off his jeans and straightened his shirt.

The fact that Axel had told Riku about him and Axel having been a couple worried him. He still wasn't sure how serious Riku's and Axel's strange relationship was… Axel seemed to like Riku a lot, even though he kept stressing that they weren't boyfriends. Roxas wondered how Riku was looking at it. He couldn't quite forget how he had fought to keep his face expressionless when Roxas asked Axel to come away and have a smoke with him… And now they had been gone for who knew how long. He had last checked the time when he turned off his cell phone as he and Axel were heading down to the beach, but he was sure that was several hours ago.

It seemed very likely to him that Riku might be pissed off about them being gone for so long… He still remembered one day when they were kids, when Roxas and Sora had gone away to play alone. The tantrum Riku had thrown when they got back had not been funny… That was a long time ago, though; Roxas had only been about six years old, but even when older, Riku could still get downright weird when he felt left out, or when you got between him and something he regarded as his.

Roxas could only hope he had kept what he knew to himself. Naminé didn't even know he was bisexual… If she suddenly found out he had been lying about his sexuality and that the guy he had been away with for hours really was his ex boyfriend, he could imagine that she would get a little suspicious.

He hadn't really been lying to her, though… he just hadn't told her, because he hadn't seen the point. Not that he thought she would have any problems with it; he just honestly hadn't thought that he would ever want to be with a guy again. And now he had cheated on her, on their anniversary, with his ex boyfriend…

The thought made him squirm uncomfortably.

He _did_ feel bad about it, but somehow it seemed to him like he wasn't feeling nearly as bad as he should. He wasn't regretting anything, he was just afraid that she would somehow find out, and he realized that that was probably not what you were supposed to be feeling when you had just cheated on someone.

He watched Axel as he tried the handle and found the door open. A thin wedge of light from within illuminated his face as he turned to Roxas with a half-smile that looked a little sad.

"Ready to get back to the real world?"

Roxas nodded, having a hard time tearing his gaze from him. Despite being so thin and a little weird-looking, Axel was _beautiful._ Maybe not in the conventional way, but still beautiful. He felt a slight heat in his cheeks as he remembered him groaning in pleasure on top of him. _He_ had been the one making him give out those sounds, no one else, and something about that just felt so indescribably good..

Could it really be so bad when it had felt so good?

Not rushed or forced, just… _sweet_, almost romantic, with the endless kissing and the slow but firm pace. The insight that he could enjoy sex with another guy, and the exhilarating rush of self esteem from discovering that someone like Axel could enjoy having sex with _him_. Axel had slept with countless guys, a lot of them probably much more experienced and better looking than Roxas, but he had still enjoyed _his_ touches and kisses, and that was all the confirmation Roxas needed.

If he was good enough for Axel, he was good enough for anyone.

He wouldn't ever have to feel like he was just being with Naminé because he was too much of a coward to fall in love with a guy again, and he didn't think she would have anything to hold against _that._

Something also told him that once all the feelings that were swirling and warring inside him had calmed down and settled into place, he was going to feel better about himself and his own life than he had in a long time.

X

They snuck inside the house quietly. There were people sitting in the hallway, but no one they recognized, and everyone seemed to busy drinking and talking to pay much attention to them. Axel smiled to himself. Even if he felt slightly empty inside after his little adventure with Roxas being over, maybe he could still get drunk and enjoy the party for a couple of hours.

When they entered the living room though, where most of the people seemed to be flocking, they were spotted by Sora. His jaw clenched, and as he walked up to them the frown on his face deepened.

Axel looked down as he felt Roxas hand rub against his for a short moment. He was staring at Sora, and the expression on his face was nervous and worried. Axel wanted to take his hand and tell him to relax, but he had to settle for just keeping his own appearance of calm.

"Where _were_ you?" Sora demanded of Roxas in a hushed voice, as he reached them. When Roxas didn't answer immediately, he shook his head and continued. "Never mind. Let's go, I have to talk to you before –"

"_WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!"_

Axel thought he heard Sora groan slightly, and he looked up just in time to see Riku stalk towards him, pushing people out of his way like they were nothing but obstacles. Not even Sora was spared; Riku shoved him to the side, seemingly not even hearing the yelp he gave out. Axel swallowed as his lover was suddenly standing before him, looking absolutely furious, and reeking of alcohol.

"_Answer,_" he hissed, grabbing his arm and pulling him away from Roxas' side forcefully.

"I went for a walk with Rox –"

"Why didn't you answer your phone?"

"Uh, I…" Axel had prepared an explanation for that, but it seemed like Riku wasn't interested in hearing it, since he didn't even give Axel time to answer before he grabbed his T-shirt and slammed him up against the wall, the impact making a painting crash to the floor. Axel hit the back of his head pretty hard, and his vision blurred for a short moment. When it cleared again, Riku was pinning him to the wall using his entire body, and then suddenly he kissed him hard.

Axel struggled vainly, unable to understand what was happening. He didn't want to be doing this in front of Roxas, and he knew Riku wouldn't want to be doing it in front of _everyone_. Yet he was, and Axel could only whimper and try to keep up as the too hard kisses stung his already bruised lips.

Then suddenly he was released, and Axel opened his eyes in time to see Riku whip around and stalk up to Roxas, towering over him threateningly.

"He's _mine! _I don't care if you were his boyfriend, you don't fucking _touch_ him!" he growled, and for a second Axel thought he was going to hit Roxas. He took a step forward, but didn't have time to do much more before Sora was suddenly at Riku's side, grabbing his arm and holding him back.

"Riku! _Calm down!_ Please!"

Axel leaned back towards the wall and looked around the room nervously. Riku had been shouting loud enough to be heard over the music, and sure enough people were staring. Some at him, but most of them were looking wide-eyed at Riku.

Like it or not, he was out of the closet now…

Riku didn't seem to notice though. He could probably have broken loose of Sora's grip easily if he had wanted to, but he just stood there staring down at him angrily and swaying slightly, oblivious to the stares he was getting. How drunk _was_ he?

"You're kind of making a scene, Riku!" Sora whispered hotly. "I know you're angry, but are you sure you want to be talking about this _now?_ _In front of everyone?_ Just go home and get some sleep! Take Axel with you, and you can talk on the way."

_Thank god for Sora._

Riku looked up and turned his head toward Axel, and the look in his eyes was just indescribable. Hurt and furious and confused… His face may have been flushed from the alcohol, and his eyes heavy and glazed, but he was still so fucking beautiful, and that look… It really got to Axel. Slowly a feeling of guilt was beginning to creep up on him.

It got even worse when his gaze flickered over to Roxas, who was just looking like he wanted to sink through the floor, away from all the stares. Someone had turned on the light, and suddenly Axel could clearly see that Roxas' clothes were wrinkled and sandy, his hair a mess and his lips still red and swollen from the kissing… in short, the veritable icon of someone that had just got laid. Axel probably looked the same.

_So much for keeping it a secret..._

He took a careful step towards Riku, but stopped when Sora fixed him with a seething glare. A tightly controlled fury was burning in his blue eyes, and Axel could tell he had his idea of what had happened all figured out. "You should take Riku home," he suggested, though it sounded more like an order. "Make sure he gets some sleep, and then I think you have some explaining to do tomorrow."

_Tomorrow._ That would probably be best…

As Riku walked up to him and grabbed his arm to drag him away, Axel cast a last glance at Roxas. He wasn't looking back at him though; he was looking towards Naminé, who in turn was staring back at him, eyes large and confused. Kairi was standing beside her with an arm around her slim shoulders, but her eyes were furious just as Sora's, and directed towards Axel.

He wanted to say something, but he didn't know what, and he didn't get any time either. Riku tugged at his arm, his strong fingers violently digging into his wrist, and he had no choice but to follow.

It scared him to see how upset Riku was; he hadn't expected something like this at all. He _had_ expected him to be a little pissy about him disappearing and not answering his phone, but usually Riku's anger was a cold, quiet one, directed inwards and easy to ignore. Honestly, he had expected to find him sitting in a corner sulking, and that he would be able to cheer him up with a couple of kisses and lies about what he'd really been doing.

Instead he found himself being dragged along out the door and onto the road at a pace he could barely even keep up with.

"Can we please slow down?" he panted. "You're hurting me."

There was no response, just another sharp tug at his arm that made Axel curse under his breath, his temper flaring up.

"Let go! Can't we talk about this?"

That made Riku stop so abruptly that Axel stumbled forward, and ironically, Riku's vice-like grip on his arm was the only thing keeping him upright.

"Oh, _now_ you want to talk?" Riku grabbed the collar of his T-shirt and pulled him down face to face with him, still not letting go of his arm. "Guess what," he growled, "I don't want to talk to _you_. You should just shut up if you know what's best for you, because I'm _this close_ to breaking your fucking nose!" He let go of Axel's collar to gesture a small space between his thumb and index finger.

Unfortunately Axel didn't know what was best for him, and if he did, he just didn't care anymore. Something had clicked into place inside him, there on the beach with Roxas. He was fed up with people thinking they could just do whatever the fuck they wanted with him, be it sex or violence on their minds. Just because he was skinny, just because he had slept with more people than he could count, he was no one else's fucking playground, not even Riku's.

"_Fuck you,_" he growled back. "You can hit me all you want, you think people haven't hit me before? Just go ahead; I'm a fucking stick figure, so it's not like you've got anything to be afraid of, is there?" Somewhere inside him he realized that even if Riku's threat had really pissed him off, the fury that was building up inside him was way out of proportion, and may not even have very much to do with Riku in the first place. He was too angry to stop though, and it just felt good to pour everything out of him.

"And I'm just a worthless, fucking whore anyway, so who cares what I think? Just hit me until I do as you say, it's so _fucking easy_, isn't it? No one cares, so why should you?" He was shouting those last words at the top of his lungs in Riku's face, and he expected the first blow to land on him in any moment.

"And how dare you speak to Roxas like that? I never agreed to be your fucking boyfriend! But you don't care what I think, do you? I thought you were different, but you're just like everyone else. You want me to be something I'm not, and when I can't live up to your fucking expectations, it's all _my_ fault! Maybe I'm not exactly a saint, but I never said I was, so just FUCK OFF!"

He stared into Riku's eyes, not backing down. He truly didn't care what would happen to him at that moment, Riku could beat him up if he wanted to; it would only prove his point.

But the point remained unproven.

Riku stared back at him for a few moments, his eyes dim with alcohol and confusion. "What expectations? I don't… I just want us to be together_._" Their gazes remained locked for a short while longer, and then Riku turned and took off running down the street.

Axel let out a heavy breath and fell to his knees, heart pounding fiercely in his chest. The sudden rage was gone and left him feeling somewhat like a deflated balloon; an all too familiar experience.

_I just want us to be together._

Shit and fuck and hell. He had probably just been very unfair to Riku, projecting all his earlier bad experiences onto him… It was true that he had no right to kiss him like that in front of Roxas or to manhandle and threaten him, but Axel knew how easily things got out of hand when you were very upset, and drunk on top of that.

Riku was in love with him, and Axel had told him that he just needed time to figure some things out before they could be together… Not exactly boyfriends, but it _was_ a sort of commitment. Then Roxas had shown up, turning everything on its head. It was not at all strange that Riku was angry.

Still, there was something inside him that felt good, that was proud that he had not just given up and let Riku convince him that he deserved the treatment he got. It was something good that had happened with Roxas, something he just couldn't soil with guilt. It was something they had both deserved.

The more he thought about it, it felt like something had healed inside him, like an old ache that was just suddenly gone. He sat back and looked up at the stars. They never shone this brightly in the city…

Something about that fact soothed him, and taking a deep breath, he pushed himself onto his feet and started walking home. Hopefully everything would have calmed down tomorrow.

X

Waking up the next morning was undoubtedly one of the more unpleasant experiences in Riku's life.

His first sensory input was the absolutely vile taste on the back of his tongue, and when he groaned and shifted on his bed, it was like a spear of lightning shot through his head as a merciless headache descended upon him. He clutched his forehead miserably. How much had he been drinking last night?

_Last night…_

Suddenly it all came back to him. Slamming Axel up against the wall, kissing him in front of everyone. Yelling at him and Roxas both… Sora's blue eyes wide and pleading while telling him to calm down, to not make a scene. The walk home, actually threatening to break Axel's nose…

He groaned. What the hell had he done?

A wave of nervous nausea washed over him, and he sat up. He had to go over to Axel, talk to him, apologize… Make sure they were alright. He remembered being pretty rough with him as they walked home, how Axel's eyes had been almost scared before he just exploded with anger. Riku couldn't remember half the things that had poured out of him, but it had hinted at some really bad experiences in the past… Something about being hit before.

Oh, _god._ Maybe Axel had had an abusive father or an abusive boyfriend? In that case it wasn't hard to understand if he didn't take threats of violence very well, and Riku had been _way_ out of line. It would even explain why Axel had such trust issues…

But it wasn't _fair_. How was he supposed to know what he could and couldn't say when Axel never told him anything? It was like fumbling around in total darkness; suddenly he was off the track and Axel never told him where he had gone wrong, only that he had.

It wasn't like he had _really_ meant that he was going to hit him either… At least he didn't think so. He had just been too angry to talk.

Suddenly it all seemed so ridiculous to him. He had probably been overreacting, like always… Of course Axel would have a lot to say to Roxas if he had used to be his boyfriend! From what Riku had been able to discern from Axel's breakdown up in Selphie's brother's room, it hadn't exactly been a happy relationship, and maybe there were a lot of things they needed to clear out. Maybe Axel was even right that it was none of his business.

Driven by a sudden flare of anxiety, he jerked out of bed, desperate to go and see Axel right away, to set everything right. Unfortunately his balance wasn't at its best at the moment, and his head spun and his stomach churned with nausea. _Oh shit. The bathroom, before…_

He didn't have time to think much else before vomit sprayed out of him, barely missing the carpet. Helpless, he fell to his hands and knees on the floor, tears welling up in his eyes as his stomach emptied itself over and over again.

When there was nothing left inside him and the violent cramps in his abdomen calmed down, there was vomit everywhere. On his hands and face, sticking to his hair and bubbling out of his nose… He sobbed as he watched the mess in front of him. Everything was a mess now…

Suddenly he realized something else, and he almost threw up again. He had kissed Axel. _In front of the entire party._ How many had seen it? Did it even matter how many had seen it? Those who had would surely spread the word to those who had missed it… _Shit, shit, shit._ This was _not_ how he had planned to come out of the closet.

"What have I done..?"

The urge to lie down and just give up was almost overwhelming, but he managed to steel himself. Maybe there was still some way he could fix this.

He would clean this mess up, clean himself up, and then he would go over to Axel. Tell him that he wasn't mad, that he could have his secrets and that he understood if he had things he needed to discuss with Roxas. Just as long as he didn't leave him…

Wouldn't it be ironic if everyone found out he was gay, if he would have to stand the stares and whispers without having Axel by his side, without _anything_ making it worth it?

Having made his decision, he spit out a disgusting chunk of something that had lodged itself behind his front teeth, and pushed himself upright. For some reason he seemed to be feeling a little better now when his stomach was empty, and he headed for the shower.

Coming into the bathroom, he listened anxiously for sounds from Axel's apartment, but everything was quiet. No water running, no music playing. Was he still sleeping? Maybe it was still early; Riku hadn't had a chance to look at the time yet.

He stepped into the shower and cleaned himself off, washing his hair three times, though he still thought he stank faintly of vomit. It got better after he had brushed his teeth, but when he stepped out of the bathroom it was like walking into a wall of stench.

Almost feeling the need to heave again, Riku hurriedly opened the door to the balcony to clear the air. Hesitating a moment he stuck his head out to see if maybe Axel was out on his balcony, but he wasn't.

He sighed and begun wiping up the mess on the floor. It took almost an entire roll of toilet paper to get rid of the worst of it, and then he still had to scrub the floor afterwards… Getting into the bathroom to tap up a bucket of water, he sighed again.

His head was killing him, and his body screamed for more rest, but he was too on edge to be able to relax. He really hoped Axel would forgive him… Maybe if he could explain how worried he had been, he would understand. He would even promise him to never drink again if he wanted that. It wasn't like he enjoyed getting as drunk as yesterday, anyway. He had never even _been_ that drunk before.

Suddenly his cell phone went off, and he threw himself over it, hoping that it was Axel.

It wasn't though, the caller ID said "Sora".

"Hello…" he answered warily, dreading the lecture he was probably about to receive for being so out of control last night.

"Hey… How are you?" To Riku's instant relief, Sora didn't sound mad at all, just worried.

"Well, I've been better," he admitted, clasping a hand over his still aching forehead. He considered telling Sora about how he had been throwing up, but thought better of it. Somehow describing how he had been sobbing pathetically on his knees in a puddle of his own vomit didn't seem so appealing… "I have a pretty bad hangover… And I feel really bad about yesterday."

"Yeah… Things are kind of glum over here too."

Riku frowned, not understanding. "Glum?"

Sora sighed. "Yeah. Naminé isn't taking it very well… She's over at Kairi's, and Roxas has locked himself in the bathroom all morning."

"Wait, Naminé isn't taking _what_ very well? Did –" Riku gasped as he realized what all this meant. "Did they _do_ something?"

"Jesus, were you too drunk to notice?" Now Sora was sounding annoyed, and Riku swallowed. "They came back with their clothes all wet and sandy… their hair was a mess and their lips all swollen; it was pretty obvious they hadn't just been talking. I can't believe Roxas could be so stupid!"

Riku had to lean against the wall, since his head was suddenly spinning. "What happened? Did Roxas say what happened?"

"They slept together, Riku." Sora's voice was filled with empathy and concern this time, but Riku barely noticed as he slowly slid down the wall, feeling numb. Slept together? Did that mean Axel still loved Roxas? Just like that, Riku was _nothing?_

"Riku? Are you there?"

Riku was pressing the phone to his ear, unable to hear, unable to speak.

"Riku, are you okay? Should I come over?"

To think he had been on his way over to Axel to apologize. _To fucking apologize!_ He regretted he hadn't punched him in the face yesterday! To hell with abusive fathers or boyfriends; if people had hit him before, it was probably because he was a lying, cheating bastard! And Roxas… Wasn't he supposed to be his friend? Angry tears welled up in his eyes and he clenched his fist.

But no, it wasn't Roxas fault. Axel had probably not even told him about him and Riku. Why would he? In Axel's own words; it wasn't like they were a couple.

"Can't you say something?"

Feeling a rage starting to build within him, Riku ended the call without answering Sora's pleas. He scrambled up off the floor, focusing on getting to the door.

He would go over to Axel.

_But there would be no fucking apologies._

X

Axel woke from his night of very little sleep to the angry buzzing of the doorbell, accompanied by impatient banging on the door. Immediately suspecting that it was Riku, he groaned and put the pillow over his head. It seemed like things had not calmed down overnight…

Did he really have to deal with this right now? He was so tired… His head had been spinning with thoughts all night, and it had been almost impossible to relax and get any sleep. Maybe he could just pretend to not be home.

On the other hand, he really wanted to talk to Riku. He regretted that outburst on the way home and wanted to apologize for it. He hadn't really meant any of that… Or maybe he had, but it had nothing to do with Riku; it was just that he had been so on edge from thinking about that body builder, not to mention the worst of all bad times: when he had lost his virginity. Roxas had put so many things in motion inside him yesterday, and he still didn't feel like he was done processing it all.

He had come to some conclusions, though; the most important one being that he needed to tell Riku about him and Roxas. Both what had happened yesterday and what their relationship had been like. He could leave out the details, and just tell him enough to get an idea of how many problems they had had, and how the abrupt break-up left both of them without any feeling of closure. Maybe Riku would understand. And if he didn't…

Axel just didn't know.

"I'm coming!" he yelled hoarsely, and sat up while trying to untangle himself from the sheets. The back of his head still hurt from being slammed into the wall yesterday he noticed, as his movements brought on a dull, throbbing ache. He grumbled a curse and got out of bed, rubbing his wrists. Apart from the ever-present scars, the right one was now also ringed with dark, circular bruises from where Riku's fingers had been digging into his arm.

He hoped he would be in a better mood today; Axel really wasn't too fucking fond of being knocked around like that, no matter how mad or worried or off his ass drunk Riku had been yesterday. Wasn't he supposed to be a nice guy?

He walked over to the door and unlocked it, only to be knocked back as it swung open with an unnecessary amount of force. Still groggy from just waking up, Axel fell backwards on his ass and stared dumbly up at Riku standing in the doorway.

_Oh, fuck_. He was definitely not in a better mood today, if anything, Axel would say _worse_…

His normally light eyes looked dark, and he slammed the door shut behind him as he strode inside to loom over Axel on the floor.

"You slept with him. _You fucking slept with him!_"

_Riku hadn't realized until now? _Axel swallowed nervously, and couldn't help trying to shamble backwards. If he had been angry yesterday when he didn't know, how angry was he _now?_ Careful not to lose his eye contact with Riku, he nodded slowly.

"Yeah… I did."

Riku clenched his fists and he looked like he was trying very hard to restrain himself, from committing murder or bursting into tears, Axel couldn't tell. Maybe it was both. "You're not even denying it… So that's it, then."

"Wait, what's what?" Axel was panicking. Riku couldn't just be walking away without even letting him explain himself, could he? "Can't we at least talk about this?"

"What is there to talk about?" Riku screamed, spittle flying out of his mouth. "You obviously care about him more than me, and you never intended it to be serious between us! You probably think that just because it's kind of hard to find other gay guys around here, I'll put up with anything; but you can think again! I'm sick of never having what I want; Sora just wants to be friends and you just want to fuck! We're through!"

"Damn it, _wait!_" Axel scrambled up off the floor as Riku turned on his heel and made for the door. "It's not like that!"

He grabbed Riku's arm, which turned out to be a big mistake. He thought he heard a growled 'get off' or 'shut up' before Riku's fist hit him square in the face and everything just faded.

He couldn't have been out for more than moments, because the first thing he heard when he came to was the door slamming shut as Riku left.

_Ouch._

Axel didn't think he had been hit so hard in his life. It _really_ hurt, and it worried him that he couldn't open his left eye. He brought a shaking hand to feel it out and winced as his fingers came away bloody. Just fucking great.

For a long time Axel didn't get up from the floor where he had fallen when he lost his conciousness. His face hurt so much it made him nauseous, and he was trembling from the aftermath of the adrenaline rush the confrontation with Riku had brought on, so he just lay there curled into fetal position and tried to process what just happened. Through the walls he could hear Riku stomping around in his apartment. It sounded like he was rummaging through the cupboards and closets, slamming the doors and drawers. Axel sighed. Was it really so wrong what he and Roxas had done? Even though it felt bad that he had hurt Riku, he just couldn't think so.

Roxas had been afraid of intimacy with men, and that had been fixed. And Axel… Was it really so wrong that he for once got to feel like maybe he wasn't so bad after all? If Roxas could forgive him, understand him; even miss him after everything… Maybe he was still human, not just hopeless trash vainly struggling to be someone?

It had nothing to do with Riku whatsoever, why couldn't he just understand that?

But then again, he had never even kissed a guy before Axel; what did he know about life and love?

It felt like he had been lying on the floor forever, when there was a careful knock on the door. His face felt wet and he had no idea how much blood he had lost. He just couldn't bring himself to care. It was nowhere near fatal, at least he knew _that_. He wondered if he would have cared if it was.

"It's open," he croaked. He doubted he could be heard, but he didn't have the energy to repeat himself.

The knock sounded again, a little more insistent, and after a while when Axel didn't answer it creaked open.

"Uh, hello?"

Axel tensed. Was that _Sora?_

"_Oh!_"

Indeed it was; Axel heard him hurry across the floor after giving out his shocked little cry and then a soft thud as he fell to his knees beside him. And when he cracked his right eye open to peer up at him, he was met by those blue eyes that looked so much like Roxas'.

God, how he wished it would have been Roxas.

"Are you alright?"

He sounded almost worried; funny after the looks he had been giving him last night…

"Hey! Can you hear me?"

He must really be looking bad if Sora didn't even think he was conscious, he mused. Making an effort, he managed to get out a positive answer. He wondered where Riku was. Had he sent Sora over to check on him? How fucking _touching_.

Sora muttered something under his breath that sounded like '_damn it, Riku_', and then he added louder, "Do you think you can get up?"

Axel nodded and used his arms to push himself up in sitting position. Immediately his head started to spin, and he gagged and coughed up a mouthful of foamy slime, his sad excuse for a vomit he suspected. He hadn't really eaten anything yesterday.

There was an impressive pool of blood on the floor, he noticed groggily. It was dripping off his chin, too…. Drip, drip. Axel couldn't help staring in fascination.

"Good, you're doing good," Sora cooed reassuringly, squirming himself in under Axel's shoulder and hitching Axel's arm around his neck. "We're going to get up now; slowly… Are you ready?"

Axel was confused with the way Sora was mothering him, and barely had time to nod before Sora started pushing them both up using his legs and holding Axel tight with both arms. Good thing he was so skinny, because otherwise Sora probably wouldn't have managed. He was really small…

Axel's head swam and his vision got unfocused for a second, but then they were up, Axel letting Sora carry most of his weight. Maybe he was worse off than he thought… A concussion?

Sora started leading him to the bathroom, and Axel followed without protesting. He got a smaller shock when he saw his face in the mirror. His left eyebrow was so swollen it looked like someone had stuck a golf ball under it, and half his face was covered in blood. It was everywhere, clumping in his eyelashes, clogging his pores and had even trickled in between his teeth through the corner of his mouth. He looked like hell, to put it mildly.

He staggered, unable to look away from his ruined face, and would have fallen if Sora hadn't been holding him up.

"Easy," Sora soothed and guided him to stand in front of the washbasin. "I'm sure it's not as bad as it looks once we get the blood cleaned off. If you can just hold on to this for a while, I'm going to go and see if I can find some ice for that eyebrow."

Then he left, and Axel tried to steady himself by clinging to the washbasin, as Sora had suggested. He had this weird feeling, almost like motion sickness, and he had to spit out some more froth. Turning on the water, he saw it disappear down the drain, leaving a pink trail of blood on the white porcelain.

He splashed some of the cold water over his face, and groaned as it stung and numbed him at the same time. It hurt too much to try and rub away the blood, so he just tried collecting as much water as he could in his cupped hands and then submerged his face in it. He didn't know if it helped much.

Then Sora was back, holding a plastic bag filled with ice cubes. "How are you doing?"

Axel tried a nonchalant shrug, but ended up nearly losing his balance. Not too well, apparently.

"Sit down," Sora said, gesturing towards the toilet, and Axel was happy to oblige. He didn't really trust his legs right now.

Sora took one of his towels off its hook and wet it under the tap, and then he got to work drying off Axel's face. It hurt like a bitch whenever he got close to the eyebrow, and Axel could barely keep himself from whimpering like a little kid. It was kind of nice to be taken care of, though. It was just weird that it was _Sora_ that was doing it, when he obviously wasn't too fond of Axel in the first place… Axel wondered why he was doing it at all.

Was it because Riku had asked him?

"Why are you helping me?" he whispered hoarsely. Great, he was too busted up to even speak properly…

Sora eyed him with an expression that was somewhere between anger and sympathy. "Riku told me what happened… He's ridiculously strong, so I thought it would be best to see that you weren't seriously hurt, or anything."

"Thanks." So Riku hadn't been concerned about him after all… It stung that he had just walked out on him lying there.

Sora only gave a curt nod in reply, and Axel realized he was just helping him out of sense of duty. It probably went against his morals to not help out someone that was injured…. Again: how fucking touching.

"There." Sora took a last wipe at his face, unnecessarily brusque, if you asked Axel. "Hold this over the swelling." He handed over the icebag, and Axel pressed it gently against his eyebrow. It seemed to have stopped bleeding; maybe it was to swollen for any more blood to come through. Sora watched him hesitantly.

"I'm no expert, but that looks like it needs stitching. And you could have a concussion too; you should go to the hospital." He hesitated some more. "Maybe I can guilt trip Riku into driving you there…"

Axel shook his head. He had had enough of hospitals… He would probably be fine if he just got some rest. "I think I'll just lie down for a while."

Sora bit his lip, watching him uncertainly. "If you're sure…"

Axel nodded, waving his hand impatiently. If Sora didn't want to be here, he could just get the fuck out.

"Okay, then. I should get back and check on Riku."

"He wouldn't even let me try to explain…" Axel whispered. He didn't know why he said it, maybe he hoped Sora would convince Riku to at least come over and hear him out.

Sora just gave him a stern look. "Well, what did you expect? He's really in love with you for some reason, and then you go and sleep with someone else. If you don't know what you want, I think you should stay away from Riku and Roxas both." He made a motion to leave.

"Wait!" He just had to ask… "How is Roxas?"

Sora gave him another dirty look. "Not so good. You probably wrecked his relationship."

Axel frowned (or at least tried to with his swollen eyebrow) and had to fight the urge to tell Sora that it was in fact Roxas that had started kissing _him_, and that he hadn't even tried to make him do it. For once he really didn't think he was the bad guy. No one was.

He didn't think he would be able to convince Sora of that, though, so he decided to let the comment pass.

"Can you give me his phone number?"

Sora looked at him like he couldn't believe he had the nerve to ask that.

"_No._ I'm going to leave now."

He pushed the damp towel into Axel's free hand and walked out of the bathroom, leaving Axel to stare down at the bloodied piece of cloth. It was the same towel that he had tried to sleep on his first night here, he realized.

For some reason seeing it all flaccid and soiled really depressed him. Was this what his new life had become?

Hanging the towel over the side of the laundry basket, he wiped a single, frustrated tear away and tried to stand up. His legs felt shaky and wobbly, but he managed to make it to the bed without falling or stepping in the puddle of blood on the floor. He should probably clean that up before it soaked into the wood and left a permanent stain…

He couldn't quite bring himself to care, though.

The ice bag was starting to give him a brain freeze, so he dropped it on the floor with a sigh and stared up in the ceiling. Just what the hell was he supposed to do now? Riku didn't want to talk to him and he had no way of getting in touch with Roxas. He still remembered his old phone number, but Roxas had changed it some time after they broke up (probably to stop him from contacting him). He couldn't just walk to Sora's house and visit Roxas there, because he had no idea where Sora lived. He didn't even know his full name, so he could look it up that way either.

Maybe he should just wait until he decided to go home from Riku's and stalk him…

Too bad he was in no condition to walk. Maybe he should just go over and try to talk to Riku again when Sora had left… Maybe Sora would have managed to calm him down enough to not shut his other eye too.

He felt a sting of jealousy as he thought about them together. Sora was probably hugging Riku right now, petting his hair and comforting him… Wouldn't Riku like that!

Axel couldn't help chuckling bitterly at himself. How ridiculous wasn't it to get jealous after what he had been doing yesterday? Riku had every reason to be mad at him. Punching him in the face was a little over the top, though… And couldn't he at least let him explain?

Was it really such a big sin to sleep with someone else that it didn't even matter why he had done it? If it had been the reverse situation Axel would have been mad too, but he would at least have wanted to talk about it. If you liked someone, you didn't just let go because of one little mistake…

But then again, when you were perfect like Riku, maybe you expected perfection from others as well. Not for the first time Axel wondered if Riku would be able to accept anything about his past. Maybe this was for the best… Even if he got his new life sorted out, he would never be good enough for Riku, anyway. Sure, they were great together in bed, but Riku wanted more and he wasn't sure if he _had_ anything more. No past and no future…

Maybe that was all there was to him; a nice lay, but too broken to be good for much else.

Suddenly he missed Marluxia so much his chest ached. If there was anyone that was even more messed up than he was, that had understood him completely, he would be the one. Maybe he hadn't exactly encouraged him to leave his old, fucked up life behind, but Axel thought he could suddenly understand his standpoint.

When you were too different to ever fit in, maybe you should just stick together and do it your own way. Maybe there was peace in knowing your place, even if it was at the bottom. Maybe that was what Marly had seen all along, and maybe that was why he had been able to stand all the things Axel couldn't.

When you thought about it, he had been even worse off than Axel. At least _he_ enjoyed fucking men… Marly just didn't care.

Or did he? Suddenly remembering what Roxas had said about wishing he could have seen that Axel had his problems too, he wasn't so sure.

He didn't really remember how he and Marly had got to know each other, but he remembered the day when they became friends for _real_ very clearly, and some of the details a little _too_ clearly… It had really been a day of mixed emotions.

They had been sitting behind a dumpster outside a rundown building where there was a party. The asphalt smelled like piss, and Axel had been sobbing uncontrollably while Marly had been trying to wipe his tears and snot away with his sleeve.

It was the first time Marly, who was fourteen years old at the time, had brought Axel along to a party. Axel was only twelve, but Marly had said that since he was so tall he could easily pass as fourteen too. Axel remembered thinking that was a great compliment.

Marly had sort of been his only friend, and Axel had worshiped him like a hero. He had never got along very well with other kids, but Marly he liked. Everyone at school had nice clothes and went on holidays in the summer, but Marly had holes on the knees of his jeans just like Axel, and he smoked and drank, and had a huge collection of porn, all of which he shared brotherly with Axel.

"I really didn't think anyone would try anything with you," Marly had said, popping open one of the beers Axel had just earned. "The fucking pigs. I thought they only wanted to do it to me because… You know." He had looked into Axel's eyes, but Axel had no idea what he meant.

Marluxia had swallowed, and then shrugged. "They say I'm pretty like a girl."

It was at those words he had seen Marly for what he really was for the first time. A small, girly-looking boy, who just as Axel had no real friends. Axel had thought that the people at the party were his friends; had always admired him for hanging out with all those cool, older people, but suddenly he realized that was just what Marly had wanted him to believe and that the reality was something completely different.

None of those people were his friends. They, or at least some of them, _used_ him, like Axel had just been used, and it was suddenly painfully obvious where Marly got all his cigarettes and alcohol; why he always had money to buy porn and go to the movies and ride the bus.

Axel had looked at his friend, his delicate face and soft, wispy hair that had a reddish brown colour so light that it almost looked pink. "I think you're much prettier than any girl," he had told him, and Marluxia had laughed, surprised.

"What, are you a homo or something?"

When Axel hadn't known what to answer, Marly's smile turned from mocking to friendly. "That's okay, though I'm not." Then he had grinned, patting Axel's back. "We'll have to update our porn stash!"

When Axel had only nodded, still sobbing, Marly had slung his arm around him, just holding him for a while.

"Do you want to kiss, or something?"

Axel had nodded, discovering to his surprise that he really did.

"Okay." Marly had smiled at him again, a little uncertainly, and then leaned in touching his lips to Axel's.

It had been a little awkward. Axel had never kissed anyone before, so it was kind of sloppy at first, and their teeth had clacked together, but soon he seemed to get the hang of it and it had been really sweet. After a while they had broke apart, Marly giggling and Axel feeling a little better.

They had spent the rest of the night behind that dumpster, never going back to the party. They had been drinking their beers, smoked up an entire pack of cigarettes and talked like they never had before.

No matter how much Axel hated remembering that he had been so fucking naïve and just plain stupid that he had sold his virginity to that disgusting bastard Dennis for a six-pack of beer, he had always thought that the time with Marly behind that dumpster was a beautiful memory. Now he wasn't so sure.

That kiss… He had always thought it was just Marly's quirky way of cheering him up, but maybe there had been more to it. Maybe he had been scared that he would lose Axel as a friend when his dirty secret was out, and had tried to keep him the only way he knew how. Using his body…

It made him hate everything about that night even more, and he suddenly wondered what Marly was doing now. Hopefully getting high and having a good time…

Marly had always been smart enough to not fall in love with anyone.

X

Axel didn't know what time it was when he woke up with a small start. He didn't remember falling asleep and he didn't feel much better. His face seemed to hurt worse than before, and he felt weak and dizzy. He didn't want to stay in bed, though, he had to get up and fix things.

He reached for his cell phone, hoping that there would be missed calls from Riku or Roxas, but he was out of luck. Checking the time, he saw that it was already late afternoon, meaning he had been out for quite a while.

He decided it was time for another try to talk to Riku, but first he needed to see how his face was doing. And clean up that blood. He glanced over at the puddle on the floor, and saw that it had begun to dry. Great. It would probably be impossible to get the floor clean by now.

He sat up and made his way to the bathroom, feeling like he would throw up at any second. Nothing came, though, and soon he was standing in front of the mirror again.

It didn't look as bad as before with the blood mostly cleaned away, but he still looked pretty mangled. His left eye was swollen shut, and a colorful bruise was surfacing all around it. The eyebrow was split open and the swelling made it stick out, making him look like some kind of ogre.

There was a lot of blood in his hair, he noticed. It was stiff and stripy, and almost colored black where larger amounts of blood had dried and caked. He needed a shower. And he needed to brush his teeth. No wonder he was feeling sick, when he could taste the blood even in his mouth.

He had to sit down on the toilet when he removed his clothes, or he would have lost his balance and fallen over. Was it normal to feel this groggy after a punch in the face? He didn't think so, it was probably a concussion. Maybe he really should go to the hospital… But no. What were they going to do? Put a plaster on his head? Maybe his eyebrow needed stitches, but what was another scar anyway?

He stepped into the shower and turned on the water. It stung when it came in contact with the wound, and he didn't dare to use any shampoo. The blood seemed to be coming out anyway, colouring the floor of his shower cabin light red. It looked morbid, and brought on less pleasant memories, so Axel finished up as quickly as he could. He was too restless to enjoy the shower anyway… He needed to talk to Riku, and he wondered how Roxas was doing.

'You probably wrecked his relationship', Sora had said… Axel couldn't say he was terribly sorry about that. It might be selfish and horrible, but he didn't want Roxas to ever have a relationship with anyone other than him. It wasn't good if Roxas was unhappy, though… or if he started regretting things.

Axel sighed, trying to dry his hair without letting the towel get in contact with his eyebrow. _What a mess._

It was worth it though… Just hearing Roxas moan his name over the sound of the waves was worth anything. Everything. Roxas had said he didn't regret what they had done, and hopefully he meant that no matter what happened.

Maybe if everything went straight to hell with Riku, and Roxas broke up with his girlfriend, he could seek him out and… He sighed. And what? Fuck him again? Get together again only to break up a few months later? Have everything collapse around him once more?

No. Roxas had been right about the happy end… Putting on what clothes he could find, Axel prepared himself to go over to Riku and see if he could talk him into a happy continuation, or if all else failed; another happy end.

When he opened the door, it bumped into something. Turning his head down, Axel saw that it was a box… Just a normal shoebox packed with stuff. CDs, a pair of boxers, magazines, a toothbrush. _His stuff._

Not until then did it finally sink in that Riku might have been serious when he said they were through, and that maybe it was too late for Axel to start talking.

He didn't know how long he stood there in the doorway, staring down at the box. The box that Riku had packed for him so that he wouldn't have to meet him face to face.

He hated that fucking box. He wanted to kick it across the corridor, _stomp_ on it, and fuck that those CDs were some of his favourites.

He didn't do any of those things though; he just bent down and picked it up, bringing it with him back inside. There was a folded up piece of paper resting on top of the contents of the box, and sitting down with his back against the door Axel started to unravel it with shaking hands. It was just a simple message, but Axel didn't think Riku could have written something that hurt more even if he had tried.

_Here's your stuff. I don't want to see you, so you can just leave my stuff outside my door later._

Snarling, Axel rolled the paper into a ball and flung it against the wall. Fuck that! If Riku wanted his stuff, he could come and get it himself.

With a growing feeling of despair, Axel realized that the chances of that happening were very small. Riku had nothing of importance in his apartment, and if he really didn't want to see Axel, he doubted he would come knocking over a pair of socks…

_Fuck. Just… fuck._

X

_Author's notes:_

_Whew! Another long one, folks! It seems like you'd better get used to it, because I just can't seem to write anything 'short' lately. I really thought I was going to be able to pull this chapter off in 9k words, but nuh-uh! It ended up 17k and 29 pages in Word…but after all the people yelling at me about long chapters being good, I suppose no one will mind! :-)_

_Guess the story has just grown complicated on me…There's so many people and different moods and reactions, I'm starting to think I'm in over my head! It's weird; when I started writing this story, I think I was mostly going for light-hearted and smutty but now everything is all serious. Haha, what the hell happened!_

_Is it even working? Or is there too much difference between the beginning and the end of the story? I didn't think it was that bad when I reread everything a while ago, but I'm kind of biased…_

_(Oh… and did I mention I draw? Just got myself an account at y!Gallery and updated my profile page with links, in case someone wants to check it out. __There's KH stuff! ;-) )_


	11. Just three weeks

_Hey everyone! Finally back again..._

_You just get a very short timeline as reminder this time:_

_Saturday: Selphie's party_

_Sunday: Riku broke up with Axel_

_Monday: below!_

_

* * *

_

**Just three weeks**

X

Sora parked his bike outside Riku's apartment complex, worriedly looking up to his window. The lights were out, but that much could only be expected. The afternoon sun was bright and hot overhead, probably providing enough illumination to eliminate any need for artificial light. Still Sora wondered if maybe he should have called before coming here. He had promised yesterday that he would drop by after school, so Riku _should_ be expecting him… but on the other hand, Riku had been so broken down that Sora would be surprised if he remembered _anything_ he had said. What if he had decided to talk to Axel?

Sora really didn't want to walk in on the two of them _making up._

He shook his head, willing away the unwelcome images brought on by that thought. He was just being paranoid. If Riku had Axel over, which was unlikely – he had made it pretty clear that he didn't want to see Axel ever again, and he was too proud and stubborn to change his mind just like that – he would probably have called or sent a message telling Sora to stay away.

Feeling a flutter of worry in his stomach again, Sora wondered how Riku was doing today. Apparently not well enough to go to school, anyway… He had said yesterday that maybe he would, that it would be better than to sit at home alone with his thoughts, but he must have changed his mind. No one had seen any sign of him all day.

That was just as well, as far as Sora was concerned. Apparently Riku being gay was big news, and the corridors at school had been virtually buzzing with gossip and outrageous rumours. Sora didn't think he had heard as much stupid bullshit in his entire lifetime as he had had to listen to today, and he was glad that Riku had been spared it. He felt like his faith in humanity had taken a possibly fatal blow.

There seemed to be much confusion about what had really happened at Selphie's party, but apparently that didn't stop people from making up their own theories, which were shamelessly passed around as truth. The only things people seemed to have got right was that Riku had kissed some unknown, redheaded guy and that he seemed to have been really mad at Sora's cousin. Sora was almost in some weird sense impressed with the number of stories that could be made up from those two, simple facts.

But the stories were not the worst thing; after all they were only speculations and most people probably realized that. No, the worst thing was what some people were saying about _Riku._ People that didn't even know him and had no reason whatsoever to spread nasty rumours about him.

At first he didn't understand it. Sure, Riku could have something of an attitude, and maybe he didn't exactly go out of his way to make friends, but he was never mean to anyone either. Just last Friday, Sora would have said that Riku was generally well liked around school. Smart and funny (well, at least he _could_ be when he felt like it), good at sports, good grades and, let's face it – good looks.

It made no sense to him at all why people suddenly seemed so eager to badmouth his best friend, not until he had picked up something a girl whispered to her friend while passing him in the corridor…

_I knew there had to be something wrong with him! Nobody is that perfect!_

And that was it. Riku was a little _too_ good at everything, enough to make other people jealous. By tearing him down, they could breathe out and gain a temporary ego boost. No one was in fact perfect, and reassured by this, they didn't have to feel as bad about their own shortcomings.

At least that was Sora's theory, and it sickened him. Maybe his own reaction to Riku being gay hadn't been ideal, but this was just so… _petty_. Making up nasty rumours about someone just so they could feel better about themselves! If they knew anything about Riku, they would have known that he had his share of problems too.

But now everyone suddenly seemed to have an opinion on how weird and disgusting he was, and all manner of stories about him had popped up out of nowhere. His classmates claimed that he had always been eyeing the other guys strangely in the shower, and hadn't he been caught sniffing someone's underwear in third grade? Yes he had, and not only that, someone else had walked in on him when he was alone in the locker room and he had been jacking off while sticking a finger up his butt. Some claimed to have known all along, because evidently you could tell just by looking at his hair and 'this girly thing he does with his hips when he walks'. Yes, that was an actual quote!

Selphie had raised an eyebrow and fixed the guy talking with an icy glare, calmly remarking that in that case, he must have been paying pretty close attention to Riku's hips, because she had been checking him out for years without noticing anything strange.

Sora wished that he too could come up with witty answers that shut people up, but he just got angry. And then that jerk Ricky Martinez had opened his big fat, mouth…

_Oh, how cute! Sora is defending his boyfriend…_

Angrily, he wiped a few drops of sweat off his brow, and entered the house, starting to climb the stairs. It had been an exhausting day, to say the least. Most of all he just wanted to go home and crawl into bed, but he couldn't do that. Riku needed his support now, and at home he would just have to face Roxas instead... Sora had a very hard time feeling any kind of sympathy for his cousin right now. If it wasn't for him, none of this would probably have happened. He had said so himself.

He sighed and rolled his shoulders as he reached Riku's door, steeling himself. Yesterday had been so draining, with Riku just crying and raging for hours and hours… It had actually been a relief to go over and take care of Axel instead.

Ringing the doorbell, he glanced over at said redhead's door. He hoped he had changed his mind and gone to the hospital after all… His eye had looked really bad and he had seemed so unnaturally wobbly and disoriented that Sora couldn't help feeling a little worried. Not that he felt _sorry_ for him, but he couldn't say that he wished him some sort of brain damage either… And there was something else he had seen; something he hadn't noticed before, because Axel usually wore those black sock thingies over his arms. But yesterday he hadn't, and on the insides of his forearms, there had been two matching, vertical scars.

Sora had never seen the marks from a suicide attempt before, but he suspected that was what they were, and it made him wonder what kind of hardship Axel had been through to try to end his life. Maybe he had had to go through the same shit as Riku at school... Riku had said he dropped out, right? Maybe that was why.

Just as he was about to ring the doorbell again, Riku opened the door. He looked like he had just waked up; his hair ruffled and eyes squinting to the light. He was wearing nothing but his boxers, and Sora had to spend a short moment envying his friend's ability to just step right out of bed and still look like some kind of underwear model… the world just wasn't fair. At least he didn't look like he had been crying, even if it did seem like the tears weren't very far away.

"Uh, hi," Sora greeted, snapping out of his spell. "Did I wake you up?"

"Yeah… But that's okay." Riku shrugged and stepped aside so that Sora could get through the door.

"How are you feeling?"

Riku shrugged again, staring into the floor and wrapping his arms around his torso as if he was freezing or trying to protect himself.

Sora removed his shoes, cursing himself for the stupid question. Of course Riku wasn't feeling very well! He smiled at him apologetically.

"Do you want to smack me around a bit in Tekken?"

Riku smiled back, but it looked forced and weak. "I don't know… I can watch while you play."

Sora nodded, his heart aching for his friend. He looked so pale and completely drained of energy… it just wasn't right. Riku was supposed to be proud and cocky, unwilling to show any kind of weakness, but now it was as if he just didn't care.

"You still have to help me with Jinpachi though," he said, grabbing Riku's hand and leading him to the couch.

Riku just hummed and sat down, watching with dead eyes as Sora turned on the TV and started up the console. This just wasn't good at all… Sora almost preferred the emotional outbursts from yesterday over this depressing apathy.

Suppressing a sigh, he too sat down on the couch and waited for the game to load. "Did you get any sleep tonight?"

"A little… I was exhausted. I went out running after you had left."

Sora nodded, a small flicker of hope sparking in his chest. The running was probably a good thing… Riku had always claimed that exercise helped him clear his mind and refocus. "And what about today? Have you just been sleeping?"

"Yeah…" Riku closed his eyes and leaned back against the headrest. "How was school?"

_Ah, school... _Sora worried his lip, unsure what to answer. He had hoped that they could avoid that subject; Riku certainly didn't need to hear what kind of stupid shit people were saying about him. Not now anyway, when he was barely holding it together as it was.

"There was some talk…" he started, squirming slightly when Riku's eyes opened and locked on him, large and shimmering from unshed tears. "But don't worry, we handled it!" he quickly reassured him.

"We?"

"Yeah…" Sora smiled. It had actually touched him to see how his friends were all sticking up for Riku, even though Wakka and Tidus had been as shocked as everyone else at the party. "You should have seen Wakka; no one dared say anything when he was around! And I had no idea just how much of a bitch Selphie can be until today; she was awesome!"

"Oh." Sora thought he could see a faint smile on Riku's lips. "What about Tidus?"

"Totally on your side!"

"Really?" This time the smile was definitely there, momentarily lighting up Riku's features. "I was wondering what Wakka and Tidus would think… I know they're my friends, but I just keep expecting the worst… I guess I feel kind of worthless right now." His smile faded and his eyes filled with tears, once again making him seem so utterly pale and tired.

If Roxas and Axel had been there right then, Sora would have strangled them both.

"Believe me, you are the _least_ worthless person in this mess…" He patted Riku's knee awkwardly, wondering if he should hug him or something.

Riku looked down, opening his mouth as if he was about to protest, but then he closed it again and frowned, staring at Sora's hand in his lap.

"What happened to your hand?"

_Crap._ Sora had meant to keep his bruised and swollen knuckles out of Riku's sight, but he had forgotten.

"Uhm… I kind of got in a fight with Ricky Martinez." He eyed Riku nervously, and just as expected, Riku's eyes narrowed and fixed him with that you-better-tell-me-the-truth-Sora look that just made it impossible to hide anything from him.

"Why?"

Sora swallowed. That look was even more effective than usual when there were tears in his eyes… How was he going to get out of this? It wasn't like him to get into fights, and he had already admitted that there had been talk in school, so Riku was probably already suspecting that the fight had something to do with him.

"Because… he was saying these really stupid things… and I just got so mad! I think I split his lip." _Oh, it had split alright._ And hopefully it would hurt enough to keep his mouth shut for the rest of the week. (Okay, so maybe he was a little bit proud of it.)

Riku however, seemed unimpressed. "What kind of things?"

"Who cares? I told you it was stupid!" Sora tried to fight the blush that was rising on his cheeks, but it was useless.

_Does Kairi know that your best friend likes to fuck you up the ass? Or is it the other way around; you fuck him when she's not putting out?_

Riku eyed him suspiciously. "Was he implying something about you and me?"

Sora swallowed and nodded slowly. Damn Riku was always seeing right through him!

Riku held his gaze for a moment longer, his brow furrowing. Then he turned away, looking decidedly angry and his voice was dripping with sarcasm when he spoke. "You and me together; what a _fucking awful_ thought… Of course you beat him up."

_Oh, no…_

"It's not that, Riku! It was mean and crude and he brought Kairi into it… You would have beaten him up too! You know how Ricky is!"

Riku threw him a hesitant glance, but the hurt expression stayed on his face.

"Come on, Riku, don't give me that look!" Sora dropped the playstation controller and scooted closer to his friend. "I was defending you! Everyone is talking about you like there's something wrong with you, and I hate it! If you were really my boyfriend I would have broken his nose too!"

"But now you just settled for his lip?"

"No, I…" Sora stared at his friend helplessly. _Why_ did Riku always have to take things the wrong way? "Jeez, I'm sorry I care about you… Maybe I should just let people say whatever they want from now on."

At least that seemed to get through; the angry tension melted away from Riku's shoulders and he looked down at his belly button. "Sorry, I'm just being stupid… I'm a wreck."

"It's okay…"

They didn't say anything more for some time; letting the grunts and crashes from the Tekken characters battling it out on the intro screen fill the room. Sora was already starting to feel winded. Riku's sadness was like a dark, suffocating cloud, and it depressed him to think about how happy he had been to see him smile again just a few weeks ago.

Would everything go back to the way it had been before Axel? The thought almost made him want to cry; he did _not_ want to see his best friend close in his shell again, angry at everything.

It was Riku that spoke first, a simple statement, though his voice was raspy and hoarse and carrying a worried undertone.

"So… I take it school was pretty bad…"

Sora just nodded. "Yeah… I'm sorry."

"Is… What are they saying?"

"Forget it, Riku; I'm not taking any of that shit into my mouth." He put his hand on Riku's slumping shoulder, giving it a small shake. "I think most of it will calm down soon, though… A lot of people just speculate about what happened at the party; I don't think they really care if you like guys or not, they just like to gossip."

Riku sighed, giving out a whimpering sound. "I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this… It's enough that Axel…"

"Have you talked to him at all?" Sora interrupted, trying to lead Riku's mind onto another track.

Riku shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut and fell back on the couch. "I don't think I can stand to see him…"

"I understand that…" The game menu had finally showed, and Sora occupied himself with flipping through story battle mode's character select list. He really didn't know what to say to Riku, and he felt bad for waking him up. Sleep was probably the only peace he got, and then Sora had shown up just to add to his troubles.

"He texted me, though… And he called, and I think he was at the door a few times…"

Sora turned his head, surprised to hear Riku's voice, and worried about the lack of emotion in it. His friend hadn't moved; he still sat leaned back with his eyes closed, his head lolled to the side.

"I didn't answer. And I haven't looked at the texts…"

Sora watched him silently, uncertain of what to do. "Do you want me to look at them?" he finally asked, letting go of the controller to touch Riku's hand.

Riku only nodded, grasping his hand and squeezing it briefly.

"Okay. Where's your phone?"

"By the bed."

Sora went to fetch it and then sat down on the couch again, scooting a little closer to Riku, who finally opened his eyes. The list of missed calls and messages was pretty impressive, and Sora looked up to meet his friend's gaze.

"How could you sleep with all this?"

"I turned the sound off…" Riku swallowed, looking like he was fighting back tears. "Are there many? Just delete them if it isn't something important."

"Don't you want me to read them out loud?"

"No." Riku shook his head firmly. "I don't care what he has to say." There was a moment of silence, and then; "I would delete them myself, I just want to be sure that I'm not... missing something."

Sora nodded, wondering to himself how he was supposed to know what Riku thought was important enough to not want to miss it. He scrolled down to the first message of the list, starting to feel a little uneasy as he saw snippets of the other messages roll by. They seemed desperate and pleading, and he felt like he was intruding, reading these words that weren't meant for him.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the first one.

_Riku… I really wanna explain what happened. Can we talk?_

"He wants to talk," he stated, eyeing Riku to gauge his reaction. There was nothing but a slight curving downwards of the corners of his mouth and a soft sigh.

"I already told him there's nothing to talk about."

"Okay…" _Apparently not important._ Sora opened the next one, which turned out to be simple.

_please?_

And the next one…

_don't just ignore me… if u like me so much u could at least hear me out_

And the next…

_you mean a lot to me you know_

Was that important? Sora hesitated, but decided it probably wasn't. Riku would just get mad and say that if he really meant so much to Axel, he wouldn't have slept with Roxas. Which was a good point.

_I think about you all the time_

Sora hesitated again, biting his lip. "Riku… Maybe you should read these for yourself?"

"No…" Riku hung his head, hiding his face beneath his hair. "It'll just hurt."

"Yeah…" Sora patted his friend's shoulder. "Don't worry, I've got it. It's just…" He silenced and looked at the next message.

_fuck Riku! I want u here so much it hurts… just tell me wth u want me to do!_

"Just what?" Riku wondered flatly, and Sora swallowed.

"Are you sure you won't regret it if you don't talk to him?"

Riku huffed and looked away, and that was all the answer Sora got. He sighed and turned his attention back to the list of messages. It was clear from just the length of it that at least Axel was desperate to talk to Riku… as if the contents didn't spell it out loud enough.

_pls PLEASE just let me explain! I'm not gonna lie to u if that's what you think… don't you care at all why i did it_?

_I don't know why I just seem to hurt you… it's not what I want at all_

_do u really want it to be over? I cant stand even thinking it_

_come on you know we're good together_

The more Sora read, the more his stomach tightened from a feeling he couldn't quite identify. This whole situation seemed so sad with Riku and Axel sitting with just a wall between them, both missing the other. Kind of… near, but far, or something.

"I... it seems like he doesn't want your, uh... _thing_ to end. I think he really likes you."

Riku snorted. "He likes to _fuck._"

Sora couldn't help the blush rising on his cheeks at that comment. _Definitely_ not something he wanted to think about! Still, he held his eyes steadily fixed on Riku.

"It says nothing about that. What if you're wrong?"

Riku didn't answer, still pointedly looking away, but Sora could see his jaws clenching and chest heaving rapidly as if he was trying to hold back sobs.

"Riku," he started carefully, knowing that he would probably not like what he was going to say, "_why_ don't you want to talk to him when you're feeling so bad? Maybe it's for the best that you broke up with him; it all happened so fast anyway… but don't you want some answers? You've been complaining all along that he doesn't tell you anything… I don't know, but I think he seems honest about wanting to explain himself, and suddenly you don't want to hear it? You're not just being _stubborn_, are you?"

Riku's features had gradually been darkening while Sora spoke, but at that last part he actually chuckled slightly, turning his head to look at him.

"Maybe a _little_ bit stubborn," he admitted. "But I still don't want to talk to him… Maybe it would make _him_ feel better, but what about me?" The smile died on his face while he talked, and he turned his face down, his voice lowering to a whisper. "He still slept with Roxas. Nothing he says can change that."

"Yeah…" Sora hung his head, figuring that Riku was right. "I'll delete the rest of the messages… they all seem mostly the same anyway. He misses you and wants to explain."

Riku nodded, his eyes slipping shut. "At least he's not completely indifferent… Can I lie down and have my head in your lap for a while?"

"Uh… sure." Sora scooted to the side, concentrating on the cell phone, as Riku made himself comfortable, snuggling his face into Sora's thigh and gripping his knee with a content sigh. Sora looked down at his friend; at his silver hair that fanned out over his face and naked shoulders, wondering what the people at school would say if they saw them like this. He thought he could guess.

"Don't drool on me, I just washed these pants," he ordered before Riku would get it into his head that the situation was anything other than friendly, and started deleting the messages he had already looked at.

"Don't you mean your _mom_ washed them?" Riku replied automatically, his tired voice taking on a slightly snarky tone, and Sora smiled. Sometimes Riku just couldn't seem to help himself… he would probably keep up his teasing even as he lay on his deathbed.

"You're just jealous because _your_ mom stopped washing your clothes when you were fourteen and started having wet dreams," he jabbed back.

Riku snorted out a laugh at that, and pinched Sora's thigh. "Shut up!"

Sora grinned, glad that he had managed both to bring a smile to Riku's face and to get them back into a familiar routine. "Or what?"

When Riku's answer didn't come, Sora looked down at him again, startled to find his friend's eyes staring back up at him, deep and green like the ocean, a sort of careful smirk on his face.

"…Or I'll tell you what those dreams were about…"

Sora had to look away, feeling his cheeks heat up again. _Why_ had he asked that? The message between the lines was clear; those dreams had been about _him_.

"No thanks, idiot," he muttered and grabbed a handful of Riku's hair, pushing it into his face. So much for familiar routine…

"Hey! Don't mess up my hair!"

"Don't pretend like you've even touched it with a comb today," Sora grumbled, promptly turning his concentration back to Axel's messages. _Why_ was Riku saying things like that? It wasn't just teasing, it was more like _flirting._ Yesterday had been even worse, with Sora having to hold Riku while he cried and cried. Normally he wouldn't have minded comforting his best friend when he was sad, it was just that Riku wouldn't let it stay at that… He still remembered Riku's face, wet with tears, pressed into his neck and his lips moving against his skin in some sort of almost-kisses when he talked. He had seemed to have problems keeping his hands to himself as well, letting them wander along Sora's sides and back, constantly on the verge of crossing the line between what was friendly and what was something else.

"Sorry…" Riku whispered, and Sora suppressed a nervous shiver as he could feel Riku's hand shifting on his knee, fingers lightly stroking it.

"It's okay."

He sighed and reached his hand back down into Riku's hair, this time carefully combing his fingers through it and making his friend give out a pleased little humming noise.

Riku had said at Selphie's party that he didn't mind them just being friends, but he had also confirmed the suspicion that had recently started to creep up on Sora; that before Axel, he _had_ in fact minded. He didn't know how long Riku had liked him, but he had a feeling the answer was the worst possible.

_Always._

There was so much hinting at it when he looked back at all their years of friendship… if it could even be called friendship when one of them had secretly been wishing for something else. Well, maybe it hadn't been _that_ bad, but Sora still felt so stupid for never seeing it and he felt guilty now that he realized how much he must have hurt Riku over the years without even knowing it. No wonder Riku had become such a bitch when he started dating Kairi…

He sighed again, continuing to run his hand through Riku's hair while he went through the messages. He guessed he owed him a little cuddling… His hair was nice anyway; Sora had always liked how it looked, and he was surprised to find that he also liked how it felt. Cool and silky, sliding smoothly between his fingers.

"Why did he have to do it, Sora?" Riku whispered, voice hoarse and muffled by the fabric of Sora's pants. "I miss him so much..."

"I don't know..." Sora wondered if it would make any difference if he told Riku what Roxas had told him; that _he_ was the one who had initiated the kissing, the sex. That if he hadn't, nothing would probably have happened... It was curious that Axel hadn't said anything about it, not in the messages and not even yesterday when Sora had accused him of ruining Roxas' relationship. He had been angry, Sora could tell that much, but he hadn't spoke against it.

"Riku..." he started. "After the party, I asked Roxas what had happened. I guess I kind of assumed that Axel had been coming on to him, because, uhm... He just seems like that kind of guy, and –"

"Is there a point?" Riku interrupted sharply, twisting his head on Sora's lap to look up at him.

"Well... Apparently it was the other way around," Sora finished, nervously looking back down into Riku's eyes. They were suddenly very wide and uncertain.

"It was?"

Sora nodded. "Roxas didn't think anything would have happened if he hadn't started it."

There was a long silence, during which several expressions flitted over Riku's upturned face and then finally ended in a breathed curse.

"_Shit._"

Riku clasped his hands over his face, looking up at Sora over his fingertips. "What the hell am I supposed to make of that? I can't deal with this shit, I fucking _can't. _Did he know? Did he know that Axel and I..?"

He didn't finish his sentence, but Sora understood. Had Roxas known about Riku's feelings but slept with Axel anyway? In that case it was double betrayal; not just from his lover but also from his friend. "I'm not sure how much he knew, but he didn't seem surprised when I told him that you like Axel... I think he knew enough to know he should have stayed away."

"Fuck. That is so..." Riku sat up, balling his hands into fists, and again, several long moments passed without him saying anything. He just sat there fuming while his eyes darkened. Sora held his breath and waited, knowing better than to try to talk to Riku when he was this angry.

"It changes nothing," he finally stated. "You can tell Roxas I'll fucking kill him on sight, but as your mom is so fond of saying; it still takes two to tango. I bet Axel wasn't that hard to convince..."

"Yeah..." Sora stared down at the cell phone, not knowing what more to say. At least he had managed to work himself through the message list... only the last one remained.

_Fine… ignore me then. At least its been nice fucking you, asshole_

Considerably much more aggressive than the previous ones... Sora quickly deleted it, nervously glancing over at Riku. He definitely didn't need to see that! Or did he? It was the last one, and it had been sent some time several hours earlier in the afternoon. Did it mean that Axel had had enough of being ignored and wouldn't try to make any more contact?

"I'm done now," he announced, handing the phone back to Riku, who took it hesitantly. "He sent the last message around two, and then I think he gave up." _That was putting it nicely._

Riku nodded, trying to keep his features smooth and emotionless, but Sora could see the disappointment in his eyes.

"So that's it, then..."

"Yeah..." Sora moved a little closer, slinging his arm around Riku's shoulders. There wasn't much more to be said. Riku's heart was broken and Sora suspected he wouldn't see him happy again for a very long time. And it was all so unnecessary...

What was up with that stupid Axel, sleeping with Roxas when he obviously felt so strongly about Riku? Sora hadn't thought it seemed like Axel seemed very serious about _anything_ from all the things Riku had told him about him earlier, but all those messages painted a different picture, no matter what Riku thought.

It seemed unlikely that he would put that much energy into trying to contact Riku if he didn't genuinely care about him… still it was odd that there wasn't a single word about love or regret for what he had done in any of the messages. Maybe those were just things he preferred to express face to face? Sora didn't know. Axel was just _weird_, and if it wasn't for the fact that Riku was so sad, he would have thought it was just as well that Riku cut him off.

"How about some Tekken now? I think kicking some ass would do you good," Sora suggested, nodding his head towards the TV where the character select screen was still blinking and blaring out its aggressive music. _He_ sure could do with some ass-kicking after this extremely frustrating day.

"Whatever."

Riku's lack of enthusiasm was slightly discouraging, and Sora had to forcibly place the controller in his hands and fetch the other one for himself, because Riku seemed to have decided not to move from his spot. It proved to be the most boring round of Tekken ever. Riku just sat there with his stony face, winning all the matches and not saying a word. Sora soon started squirming in his seat. Being beaten all the time was frustrating without the friendly banter they usually had going on, and his mood was sinking with every loss.

"I give up," he sighed after what couldn't have been more than twenty minutes. "What do you want to do?"

Riku shrugged, dropping the controller beside him. "I don't know. Get drunk. Sleep, whatever. I thought you wanted to play."

"It's no fun when you're not teasing me," Sora said, sticking his lower lip out in his best pout.

It worked, because a tired smile appeared on Riku's lips for a short moment. "Never thought I'd hear you admit it," he said, and Sora suspected he would have to eat that statement up for the rest of his life, but whatever. It was worth it.

A loud rumbling from Riku's stomach suddenly broke the silence, and Sora frowned and stared at his friend.

"Have you eaten anything today?"

Riku stared back at him tiredly. "No, _mom_. I haven't exactly been in the mood for cooking... and I'm not hungry, anyway."

"I think your stomach begs to differ," Sora joked, deliberately sounding like a smartass. "Come on, I'm hungry! Put a shirt on and then we'll make something to eat."

Riku groaned, sinking deeper into the couch. "I think you should take your shirt _off_ instead."

Sora snorted and was just about to tell him off when he thought of something else. He poked Riku's stomach. "Would it cheer you up if I did?"

Riku eyed him hesitantly, raising an eyebrow. "What?"

"If I take my shirt off, would it cheer you up enough to eat something?" Sora repeated, starting to feel stupid with the way Riku was staring at him like he was some sort of alien.

"Uhh… Maybe."

Sora winked at him, and started unbuttoning his shirt. "Then enjoy the sight of my scrawny physique and pudgy belly..."

Riku looked slightly shocked, but a small smile had started tugging at the corners of his mouth. "If I say I do, I can't tease you about it anymore, can I?"

"No, but _I_ can tease you about your pudge-belly fetish," Sora said, blushing slightly from the way Riku's eyes were lingering on his newly exposed skin. _Jesus Christ, why am I doing this? _"Besides, I already admitted I like your teasing, so it's only fair."

Riku chuckled. "I guess so." He took the hand Sora extended towards him to help him get off the couch, and the smile on his face was suddenly large and sincere. "Do you know that you are the fucking best friend ever?"

X

When Sora came home, the house was dark and abandoned, except for Roxas sitting by the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. He seemed to be in the process of writing something, a notepad open before him and a pen in his hand, but he looked up and smiled weakly when Sora stuck his head in through the doorway.

Sora didn't smile back. "Hi… Where's mom?"

Roxas put the pen down, the smile dying on his lips. "She's helping Kiki out down at the restaurant… I'm supposed to tell you there are leftovers in the fridge if you're hungry."

Sora shook his head. "I ate at Riku's… I think I'm going straight to bed." He wanted to cut the conversation short, not really in the mood to talk to his cousin.

Roxas nodded, looking down into the table as if he was picking up Sora's displeasure with him. Then he lifted his gaze again, hesitantly locking his blue eyes with Sora's. "How is Riku?"

Sora crossed his arms and glared at him. "What do you think?"

Even though the shirtless cooking had been kind of fun, and Riku had been laughing and joking almost like normal, Sora knew him well enough to realize that as soon as he was left on his own, the thoughts would start to spin in his head and he would be miserable again. It hadn't felt good at all to leave him, seeing how his eyes turned dull and lifeless the moment Sora announced it was time to say goodnight.

"Is he mad at me?"

_You can tell Roxas I'll fucking kill him on sight..._

"I'd stay away from him if I were you," Sora advised with a roll of his eyes. He didn't think Riku had _really_ meant that, but it was hard to predict him at times. "He's kind of unstable, and he already punched Axel so hard in the face I think he got a concussion…"

Roxas eyes widened. "He did? Is he alright? Axel, I mean… He wasn't seriously hurt, was he?"

"Why do you care so much?" Sora muttered, annoyed and slightly surprised at the concerned look spreading over his cousin's face.

Roxas glared at him sharply. "Of course I care! I slept with him, didn't I? Now, _is he alright?_"

Sora shrugged, and nodded reluctantly, taken aback by Roxas' sudden flare of temper. "I think so… well enough to send Riku a shitload of messages anyway. Which _I_ had to go through, because Riku didn't want to look at them himself."

Roxas eyed him with a strange expression. "So they're not talking? Did they break up?"

"Yeah, they did…" Sora met his gaze with a frown. There was something about the question that seriously ticked him off. "Are you _happy_ now?" he added, almost in a growl.

Roxas' eyes gleamed dangerously.

"Actually, Sora, I'm _not_." The words were hard and clipped, and for a moment Sora thought Roxas was going to explode, but then suddenly he shrank back in his chair, continuing in a lower voice. "At first I thought it was really weird that Riku was with my old boyfriend, and I didn't like it at all… But now, I'm starting to think…" He cut off and was silent for a while, staring down at his notepad. Then he leaned forward, scribbling something down.

"You think what?" Sora interrupted impatiently.

Roxas was slow to answer, not lifting his gaze from his writing, and when he finally spoke, his voice was barely a whisper. "Riku is a good person… and I could tell from the way Axel was talking about him that he really makes him happy. I… I think Axel deserves some happiness…" He finally looked up, and Sora thought he could see tears shimmering in his eyelashes.

_Oh, for the love of…_

What was it about this Axel guy that people found so fascinating? First Riku and now Roxas… It must be some gay thing he didn't understand. As much as he didn't want to, he _did_ understand the look in Roxas eyes though, and as a single tear rolled down his cheek, Sora found his defences crumbling and the resentment he had felt towards Roxas starting to fade.

"So you still have feelings for him?"

Roxas looked surprised at hearing his softer tone of voice, but he nodded and looked down into his notepad again, wiping at his eyes. "I didn't think I had… I used to be mad and try not to think about him. But then he shows up and apologizes and is all different… He has changed; a lot. Suddenly he's more like what I always wanted him to be when we… When we were together. It was so hard saying goodbye again…"

Sora finally gave up, and went over to the kitchen table, pulling out a chair to sit down. He noticed that Roxas hastily flipped his notepad upside down as he approached, but decided not to say anything about it.

"Are you alright?"

Roxas shrugged, managing a faint smile as he met Sora's gaze with red-rimmed eyes. "Somewhat. I talked to Naminé today. We're going out tomorrow… to talk some more."

"Well… That's good, right?"

Roxas nodded. "Yeah. She's mad at me, but she says she would have been more upset if it had been another girl…"

"Okay…" Sora frowned.

Roxas chuckled slightly at the look on his face. "I know, it doesn't make any sense to me either… but I won't complain."

"No, you shouldn't." Sora bit his lip and leaned back on his chair. Maybe Naminé's feelings weren't so strange after all. When he thought about it, if he absolutely _had_ to choose, he would prefer it if Kairi cheated on him with another girl… Then it wouldn't be because there was something wrong with _him_… besides it would be quite obvious what it was she got that he didn't. Maybe Naminé was also thinking like that. He pursed his lips.

"But do you really want to make up if you just found out you still have feelings for someone else?"

"I think so… I have feelings for her too, you know." Sora watched as Roxas lifted his coffee cup to his mouth, only to put it down again with a sigh. "But it _is_ confusing… Do you think it's possible to love two people at once?"

"Uh… I don't know…" Maybe it was, but Sora's heart resisted the idea. For him there was only one girl, and no one could ever compare to her. He just knew it. "I don't think so."

"Yeah…" Roxas looked down at his hands. "But it's so strange; what if one person isn't enough? I mean, I like girls _and_ boys, and I kind of want both…"

"I thought being bisexual meant that you loved someone because of who they are, regardless of gender," Sora commented, not really liking Roxas reasoning. "I never heard anyone say it meant you could have a boyfriend _and_ a girlfriend."

"I know, I know… It would be neat, though!"

Sora stared at Roxas mischievous little half-smile, suddenly wondering if he actually knew his cousin _at all_. That was definitely not something he had expected to hear out of his mouth. Roxas looked up, apparently reading his expression.

"Don't look at me like that! I'm just kidding alright?"

"I don't think you should take your relationship so lightly. Don't you realize how much you must have hurt Naminé's feelings?"

Roxas stared at him in surprise, and then the tears were back again. "Yeah," he whispered hanging his head. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I love her, but I can't regret anything…"

"Why not?"

"It's complicated…" Roxas continued looking down, and Sora gave up.

"Whatever. I think I'm going to bed now… School tomorrow and all. Shouldn't you get some sleep too?"

Roxas nodded, carefully glancing up at him and wiping at his eyes. "Yeah… But I think I'm going to stay up a little while longer." He tapped the notepad with his pen. "I've got some stuff to do."

Sora looked at the upside-down notepad curiously. "What are you writing?"

Roxas shrugged, looking a bit uncomfortable. "A letter…"

"For Naminé?"

Roxas made a non-committal sound and shrugged again.

"For _Axel? _Roxas-"

The blond interrupted him defensively. "It's just a letter! Some things I think he should remember; that's all!" He glared at Sora, who was shaking his head incredulously. "It's _not_ some fucking love letter, okay? I just don't want to worry about him doing something stupid! For once he seems to be doing something good with his life, and I don't want him to throw it away."

_That_ caught Sora's attention, as he suddenly remembered Axel's scarred wrists. "What do you mean, 'throw it away'? His _life?_"

Roxas just shook his head, seemingly calming down a little. "I promised I wouldn't go around spreading stories about his past. He just makes stupid choices sometimes."

So there _was_ something in his past. Sora hesitated, deciding to drop his opinions on the letter. If Roxas absolutely felt he had to write it; fine, right now he was more curious for information.

"Roxas… Yesterday I was over to check on Axel after Riku had punched him, and I saw… on his arms; he has these _huge_ scars… Did he try to kill himself?"

Roxas nodded hesitantly. "So you saw… Yeah, he did. After we broke up."

_Oh._

"Wait, just _after_ you broke up or _because_ you broke up?"

Roxas looked down, a pained expression on his face. "I'm not sure. He said it wasn't just because of me, but I don't know… Maybe he wouldn't have done it if he never met me."

Sora swallowed, suddenly realizing how little he actually knew about Roxas' and Axel's story. He wondered if Riku knew anything about this.

"How… why did you break up?"

Roxas glanced at him and tried to give him a smile, but it didn't seem to want to stay on his lips. "I was depressed… It was starting to show in school, and mom and dad didn't like my new friends. We moved to Twilight Town because they thought I needed a change of scenery, and they were right. So I told Axel we couldn't be together anymore, and then we left."

He was quiet for a while. "Mom and dad never knew he was my boyfriend."

"So you didn't really want to break up with him?" Sora asked, biting his lip. If they had been forced apart, he guessed he could understand why they still had feelings for each other… It sounded kind of tragic.

Roxas again was silent for a long time before he answered.

"I wanted it to end. But it wasn't because I didn't love him." He sighed and then directed a pointed look towards Sora. "Didn't you say you were going to bed?"

Sora nodded, figuring he wouldn't get much more information from Roxas. "Yeah, it's been a long day. Good luck with Naminé tomorrow."

Roxas smiled slightly, then to Sora's surprise got off his chair and slung both arms around him in a tight hug. "Thanks."

X

Morning again.

Riku groaned and clamped his hand down on the alarm. He had been dreaming… something about large keys, all-consuming darkness and talking mice. It had been weird, but at least it was better than reality… Maybe if he kept his eyes closed, if he didn't see the red digits angrily signal that it was time to get up and go to school, the dream would come back and he could forget again. What day was it anyway? Friday? The entire week was just a miserable blur to him, every day an identical copy of the one before.

He didn't know why he kept setting the stupid alarm. Even though he knew better, every night before he went to sleep he kept thinking that maybe the next morning he would have the energy to drag his butt to school. He kept thinking that _anything_, even homophobic classmates and malign gossip, would be better than another day of restless half-slumber and dumb shows on TV that he couldn't focus on because of the endless thoughts of Axel running through his mind. And yet, every morning had been the same; a short, blissful moment of disoriented oblivion and then reality would settle over him like a heavy blanket of despair, and he would decide that _no_, there was no way in hell he was going to show up in school today either.

This morning was no different; he could already feel the lump in his throat growing, the burning sensation at the back of his eyes. Turning the alarm off once and for all, he rolled over and buried his face in the pillow, trying to will away the tears that wanted to come. Why was he such a fucking _mess?_ Not even three weeks had Axel been in his life, so it really shouldn't matter this much if he loved cute, blond Roxas instead of Riku. They barely knew each other… Still here he was, crying uselessly into the pillow with his heart shattered in a million pieces while his morning wood pressed uproariously against the confining fabric of his boxers.

Had Axel been there, he would probably have snuck his hand into his underwear and whispered something perverted into his ear, and when Riku turned to look at him, he would be smiling his peculiar half-smile and his hair would lie splayed over the pillow and he would be the most beautiful thing in the entire world.

_Don't think about it, Riku…_

But it was too late, the mental image already making more blood rush south, while his chest constricted painfully, as if put under heavy pressure. He missed him so much. And he wanted him so _bad_… on top of him, tugging his boxers down, lips closing over the quickening pulse in his neck while lube-slick fingers entered him.

A desperate sob tore out of his throat and he gripped the sheets so hard his knuckles whitened. _Would they really never again..?_

This was by far the worst part of his misery; the knowledge that Axel was just a wall away and that if Riku went over there and asked him to just fuck him, he probably would. Gladly. Axel liked to fuck him; Riku had no doubts about that.

Sometimes when they had just had sex, Axel would grin, looking entirely happy and satisfied, drop a comment along the lines of "awesome" or "fucking hell, Riku", then snuggle his face into his neck and promptly fall asleep, but at other times, he would roll off him and lie beside him. Hold his hand, touch his cheek, put his arms around him; and when Riku looked into his eyes at those times, he was almost sure that Axel returned his feelings, whether he knew it or not. Or at least he _had_ been sure.

Who was to say Axel hadn't been looking at Roxas in the exact same way? Or _everyone_ he had ever fucked, for that matter.

He squeezed his eyes shut, grinding his teeth together. This was exactly the sort of thing he shouldn't be thinking about, because it only made his chest tighten until it felt like he couldn't breathe, and Sora would say that maybe it would be best if he just stopped being stubborn and talked to Axel so he at least got some answers to his questions.

Riku didn't know how actually _knowing_ that Axel didn't care about him would make him feel better about anything. Besides, he wasn't just being stubborn; he didn't trust himself around Axel. It felt much too likely that he would start crying the moment Axel opened his mouth and forgive him for everything as long as he just fucked him. Goodbye, self respect...

He groaned, slapping his hands over his face.

Damn it, when did he become this pathetic and _horny? _He could barely keep his hands off Sora when he came for his daily visits, a fact he was deeply ashamed of. He knew he had been crossing the line more than a few times, and he had no idea why Sora put up with him. He was too nice; much too nice, but Riku could see it was wearing him out. He wondered if he had had any chance to spend time with Kairi outside of school this week. Probably not.

He stared up at the ceiling again, trying to ignore his erection.

_Three fucking weeks, and that's counting this one. Get a grip, Riku._

He sat up. He was going to brush his teeth, then perhaps take a shower (preferably a cold one). Maybe it would give him some energy, or at least make him feel a little less disgusting.

X

Riku jogged up the stairs, sweaty and tired, and feeling a little queasy. Brushing his teeth had made him feel better, but instead of showering he had decided to get out and run. He should probably have been taking it easy when he had barely eaten anything other than the sandwiches Sora brought him in the last three days, but it had been so nice to put his body to use again… Problems had a tendency to fade to the background when your lungs was straining for air and you had to put all your concentration into keeping your legs moving, so he had been pushing himself to the limit of his ability, running through the park all the way down to the beach. He had continued running through Selphie's neighbourhood, following the small winding streets all the way home, where he finally stopped and caught his breath. He hadn't run into anyone he knew, which was just as well.

He really, _really_ didn't want to deal with people and their opinions on his sexual preference right now. Or ever.

He was feeling a little better though; limbs heavy and tired and his mind comfortably blank. Maybe that was why, as he approached his door, he suddenly turned and went to ring Axel's doorbell instead.

_Wait a minute._

Riku stared down at his hand, still pressing the doorbell button, and retracted it in horror. What had he just done? Panic bloomed in his chest, and his hands suddenly felt cold even though sweat was still running down his neck from the sprint. Should he bolt? Maybe he would make it inside his own apartment before Axel got around to answering the door. He was probably sleeping, since he worked on Thursday nights, and maybe he would have to get up and put something on first; that would buy him some time...

He stood frozen, hesitating. There was no sound from the other side of the door. Maybe the signal hadn't been enough to wake him?

The seconds dragged out, and then his hand seemed to move on its own accord, ringing the doorbell again. His skin was prickling from nervousness, but he stood his ground, legs suddenly feeling too heavy to move. Waiting.

Nothing happened.

Riku frowned. This was odd... Was he really sleeping that heavily? Or was he out somewhere? He rang the doorbell again, more insistently, but still no sound from within.

Was he ignoring him? There hadn't been any more attempts at contact since Monday, when Riku had asked Sora to delete his messages, but he had still thought... There had been _one_ more message, later at night when Sora had gone home. Riku had been hesitating a long time, but finally decided to read it.

_It's all falling apart Riku... please see me, please. I need you_

He hadn't answered it, but didn't it suggest that Axel would want him to come over? That he should be eager to answer his door?

He glared at the door, feeling something like disappointment twist in his guts, but also a strange sense of determination. _Just three fucking weeks._ It shouldn't be enough to matter. It shouldn't. Axel could fall apart if he wanted to, but Riku would _not_ fall with him.

He went back into his own apartment and stepped into the shower, pushing away all thoughts and feelings. There would be no masturbation while thinking of Axel or Sora; he would just keep focus on washing the sweat off his body and the grease out of his hair. Stop thinking and just do; it had always been the only way he knew to keep his mind from plunging into the abyss, and he would stick to that strategy.

Stepping out of the shower, he combed out his hair, massaged some products into it and stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He looked almost alive, the running and hot water giving colour to his cheeks, and he had to admit to himself that it was a much less depressing sight than the pale, grimy apparition that he had glimpsed every time he went to the bathroom the last few days. Sora would be pleased.

Maybe he should eat something. The running had actually sparked some of his appetite back to life, and for the first time since the night of Sora's shirtless cooking, he was feeling like the food wouldn't just taste dry and seem to grow in his mouth.

He smiled at the memory of himself giggling while he chopped up carrots at Sora's command.

"_Do you have ANY idea how gay this is, Sora?"_

"_Don't remind me…" _Sora's ears had turned red, but then he had grinned widely_. "Imagine the look on Ricky Martinez' face if he saw us now!"_

He had grinned back, chopping down hard at the poor carrot trapped beneath his hand.

"_I'm busy imagining the look on Axel's face… He would hate this SO much. Maybe I should send him pictures…"_

Sora had just rolled his eyes. _"For the last time, Riku… NO pictures!"_

He chuckled to himself. If he could just hold out until school hours ended, Sora would soon be here to check on him, and life would feel a lot easier again. And today _he_ would try to make life a little easier for Sora as well… Just play Tekken, be his best friend, _not_ cry and keep his god-damned hands to himself.

He could do it.

X

Riku gave a start and looked up from the book he had been trying to read, as he heard a faint noise from the stairwell. Even though he had been forcing himself not to think about Axel's mysterious absence, he had been like this all day; subconsciously reacting to every sound from outside. _Was it him now?_ The sound had sounded very much like the outer door on the first floor opening. He held his breath and concentrated on listening, and soon he could hear the unmistakable sound of someone climbing the stairs, all the way up to his floor. Approaching his door, passing it and then coming to a stop.

His heart started thundering in his chest, and then he jerked upright, rushing to the door without thinking and pressed his eye to the peephole. Nothing; just the distorted view of the stairs leading up to the next floor. The angle was too narrow to see the area in front of Axel's door, and he cursed silently to himself. If he had been faster he might have seen him…

He waited to hear him unlock his door and open it, but instead he got the sound of the mail slot being opened and slammed shut, and he breathed out, feeling oddly disappointed.

_Just the mailman._

He was just about to look away, when he heard the footsteps pick up the pace, and suddenly rushing by his viewpoint was _not_ the mailman, but _Roxas. _Again, his muscles chose to act without checking in with his brain first, and he tore the door open.

"HEY!"

Roxas jumped, flinched and tried to turn at the same time, almost causing him to tumble down the stairs (a thought Riku didn't find totally unappealing) but he managed to grab hold of the railing at the last moment.

"Riku…" he gasped, eyes large and knuckles whitening as he used the railing to push himself upright. "You scared me."

"What the fuck are you doing here, Roxas?" He let the door fall shut behind him, as he stepped out in the corridor and noticed with a small measure of satisfaction how the smaller boy nervously pressed up against the wall behind him as he approached.

"Uhm, I… I was just leaving something, okay?"

"And what would that be, _Roxas?_" Riku strode closer, feeling his hands starting to shake from anger. He could see why Axel would like him. Cute, innocent-looking. _Short. _Axel liked to be in control, didn't he? Riku usually let him be, but they both knew it was an illusion with him being of nearly equal height and much heavier. Maybe Axel would prefer someone more boyish and _manageable_, like Roxas. He slammed his palm into the wall beside his head, looming over him.

"Look, Riku, I really need to go... I told Naminé I would be back soon, and…" Riku caught his gaze flickering towards Axel's door.

"He's not home."

"Oh." Roxas eyes met his again. "Is he at your place? Are you talking again? Sora said – "

"I don't know where the hell he is," Riku interrupted, snarling through his teeth. Roxas nervous babbling annoyed him immensely, and the only thing that kept him from strangling him, was that he looked so much like Sora. Lucky for him. "Haven't heard from him all week."

"You haven't?" Roxas seemed surprised.

"No. What about _you_, Roxas?" He grabbed his collar, pulling him up face to face with him, and for the first time he saw a flare of anger in his blue eyes.

"No, I haven't seen him! What the hell is wrong with you? Are you going to beat _me_ up now?"

"I'm sure as hell considering it," Riku growled back, not letting go of him. "You already have a girlfriend, you fucking little slut! Why the hell would you go after him when you knew he was with me?"

"I just knew you were sleeping with him! Axel said you weren't a couple." Roxas struggled vainly in his grip, but stilled when he realized he wasn't going to pull himself loose. "You know what, Riku? You can just fuck off. You have no idea what it was like between Axel and me. And it isn't like you would have backed off if you knew he used to be my boyfriend!"

Riku glared at him. Roxas was right, he wouldn't have, and he hadn't even considered what Roxas would be thinking about him hooking up with his ex boyfriend. But why would he?

"Don't try that shit with me, you had moved on and met someone new."

"Yeah, well… maybe I hadn't really moved on." Roxas glared back at him defiantly, his eyes glimmering like painted glass. Frail, ready to crack, Riku suddenly thought, and he let go of him, suddenly unsure of the situation. Was Roxas jealous of _him?_

"Just get the hell out of here," he muttered, trying to hide his confusion by taking a few steps back and turning away from the younger boy. "I don't want anything to do with either of you." He waited for the sound of Roxas' footsteps heading down the stairs, but they never came. Instead Roxas' voice came floating from behind him, quiet and hesitant.

"Riku… I really need to go, but you should know… Just because Axel and I, ahh…" He trailed off, nervously clearing his throat.

_What, Roxas? Just because you and Axel had sex? Fucked? Made LOVE?_ He wondered what word Roxas would have used to describe it, but he was left in the dark.

"Uh, anyway… It doesn't mean that he doesn't like you, because he does. You should hear how he talks about you."

He spoke the last sentence softly, and Riku tensed, his heart starting to beat faster. _How does he talk about me?_ He wanted to ask, but suppressed the desire.

"If he likes me so much, why doesn't he want to be my boyfriend?" he growled, giving voice to his anger instead. "Why does he push me away whenever I try to get close to him?" _Why does he tell me he's my fucking date and then runs off to sleep with someone else?_ His voice echoed thin and frustrated in the empty stairwell, and he probably sounded utterly pathetic, but he didn't care. Roxas knew Axel after all, and if he could help Riku find answers to his questions, maybe he could finally have some peace of mind. He turned his head to look at the small blond, standing at the edge of the stairs half turned away with one foot already on the first step.

At first it seemed like he wasn't going to answer, but then he spoke in a quiet voice.

"There were lots of things I didn't get about Axel when we were together… But it's clearer now. I think he doesn't want to be serious because he's afraid to get hurt. He probably thinks you're too good for him."

_I want to start something new and be somebody new… Somebody that someone like you could like._

Riku swallowed as the words echoed in his memory. Axel's words, just before they left for Selphie's party, making perfect sense in the light of what Roxas had just said…

Was it possible that Axel really, seriously thought like that? That Riku was too good for him? _Why? _Just because he was good-looking? Athletic, doing well in school? What did any of that matter when his personality was, in all honesty, kind of crappy? _Everyone_ he knew was a better person than him.

He turned fully towards Roxas, wetting his lips. "He hurt you too, didn't he?"

Roxas only nodded, shifting his stance as if he was impatient to leave.

"But you still think… he's worth caring about?"

"That's your decision, Riku… He's not always the easiest person to deal with, but yeah, I do." He turned to leave, but then seemed to change his mind and looked back one last time. "I think a lot of people have hurt him too, and I don't think he has a fucking clue what's good for him and what's not anymore. Maybe he never had. If you're going to be with him, don't take his shit and don't be too hard on him; that's probably my best advice."

Riku frowned, his mouth falling open slightly. Wasn't that exactly what he had been doing? He held Roxas gaze a few moments longer, until the blond shrugged and smiled sadly.

"I can't say I'm sorry for what happened… but I hope it works out for you."

Then he left.

X

Riku spent the rest of the afternoon in a confused daze until Sora finally came around for his daily visit. He had continued listening for any sign of Axel coming home, even tried to call him once despite his hands shaking so much he could barely hold the phone. Neither effort had yielded any result; the corridor remained quiet, and Axel's phone seemed to be turned off.

What did it mean? He asked Sora as soon as he set foot inside his apartment, completely forgetting that he had meant not to worry him with his problems today.

"Calm down, Riku!" Sora interrupted him, sounding exasperated. "I can barely understand what you're saying."

Riku took a deep breath, staring into his friend's blue eyes as if they were the last thing making any sense in this world. "I decided… I want to talk to him."

Sora nodded, looking slightly surprised.

"But… he's gone."

Sora frowned. "What do you mean, 'gone'?"

"He's not home! His phone's off and now that I think about it… I don't think I've actually heard any sound from his apartment for _days!_ Where is he?"

"How should I know?"

Riku suddenly realized he was holding Sora's shoulders and shaking him, and he let go, dumbly letting his arms fall to his sides. "Uh, sorry… I'm a little stressed out."

"Yeah, I can tell." Sora looked up at him, and Riku couldn't decide if his expression was worried or just vexed. He looked tired, with dark shadows under his eyes. When did he get those?

"Uhm… uh, I showered," Riku provided awkwardly, suddenly reminded of his earlier resolve to not cause any more trouble for Sora, but his friend just looked at him like he had grown a second head.

"Are you drunk?"

"No! I…" Riku sighed helplessly, staring into the floor. "I'm worried."

"You're acting weird."

"Sorry."

Sora grabbed his arm, started leading him to the couch. "You need to sit down. I brought sandwiches… Tuna today."

"Actually, I ate too," Riku protested, but felt too tired to resist Sora's tug at his arm, and obediently seated himself beside his smaller friend on the couch while he unpacked a couple of sandwiches wrapped in plastic foil from his backpack. "I was even out running for a while this morning." He eyed Sora hopefully, waiting for the information to register.

"You were?"

Riku nodded, resisting the sudden urge to touch Sora's hand.

"So… are you trying to tell me you're feeling better today?"

Another nod. Sora wasn't giving him the reaction he had been hoping for at all, still looking at him with a slight worried crease on his forehead. What happened to the _'that's so great, Riku'_ happy exclamation with accompanying hug he had been visioning?

"Then why are you so upset? What happened?"

Riku sighed, rubbing his forehead. So much for not weighing Sora down with his worries… "Roxas was here." When Sora just waited for him to continue, he did. "He was just dropping something off; I heard him when he fiddled with Axel's mail slot, so I went out and talked to him." He didn't think he needed to mention that he might have been a little bit unreasonable and threatening as he did so… "He said he thought Axel really likes me, but that he was probably afraid of having something serious because he thinks I'm too good for him, or some shit. I'm confused…"

He stared at Sora pleadingly.

"So now you want to talk to him, but he's not at home and you can't reach him on his cell?"

"Yeah, and I don't understand where he could be, because he supposedly had work last night, so he should be home sleeping. It's not like he has some other place he hangs out at either. He's home, at work or with me."

Sora was quiet for a while. "Maybe you should try calling the hospital? I read up a little on concussions, and apparently they can be pretty bad… I told him before he should go and get himself checked out."

Could that be it? Riku swallowed, feeling both relief at finally having a plausible theory of Axel's whereabouts, and shame for possibly having injured him. He smiled weakly. "I'll do that."

Sora just nodded, still wearing a small frown. Riku bit his lip, and reached out to place his hand on his shoulder.

"How are _you_ feeling? You look tired."

Sora looked up, surprised. "Me? Well, yeah I'm tired… It's been a long week." He smiled, but it didn't seem real.

"Is Ricky Martinez still giving you trouble?"

Sora giggled, this time definitely for real. "No. No, I think he learned his lesson! You should see his lip; it's so big it should have its own moon!"

Riku rolled his eyes and retracted his hand. "You should be glad he hasn't taken it to the police." (He wasn't going to admit it, but the more he thought about it, the more he liked that Sora had actually beat someone up for his sake.)

Sora stuck his tongue out at him. "You're one to talk!"

"I know…" He smiled half-heartedly, as he was reminded of Axel. He really weighed nothing, and the punch had sent him sprawling backwards helplessly. "It felt good at the time, but I wasn't exactly planning to put him in the hospital. Maybe he's mad at me…"

Sora patted his shoulder. "I'm sure he would be glad to talk to you. Besides, you don't _know_ that he's at the hospital..."

Riku nodded. "I'm going to call right away. If he's there I'll visit him, and you can have your Friday night off." He winked at Sora, who immediately started protesting that it wasn't some _chore_ to look out for your best friend and that he was happy to do it.

"Can it," Riku interrupted him, rising from the couch. "Have you seen Kairi at all this week?" Sora formed his mouth to answer yes, but shut it when Riku added, "_Outside_ school?"

"Well, no… I've been here obviously. And Kairi has had Naminé living at her house, so…"

"See? You should spend some time with her… You shouldn't have to suffer just because I have horrible taste in guys." He met Sora's gaze, wishing that he would just appreciate that he was trying to do something nice.

"Riku…"

He glanced at Sora through his bangs, surprised to see an almost sad expression on his face. "You don't have to try to be strong _now_. If you want me to stay, I will."

Riku shook his head. "I'll be fine… I'll call the hospital, and if Axel isn't there, I'll just wait for him to show up. You don't need to baby-sit me."

"If you say so…" Sora also got up from the couch and slung his arms around Riku in an unexpectedly tender hug. "Just be sure to keep me updated about what happens, and don't hesitate to call if you need me."

"Okay," Riku promised, carefully returning the hug and resting his head against Sora's, suddenly wishing that he would stay and hold him for the rest of the day. _And night. _"You should get going before I change my mind."

Sora chuckled and broke loose from him, giving him a playful poke in the ribs, as if he could imagine what he was thinking.

"Alright. I'll call you tomorrow."

Riku followed his friend to the door to wave him off, but as Sora grabbed the handle, he suddenly hesitated and turned to Riku.

"What?"

Sora licked his lips, and fixed him with worried, blue eyes. "I don't know if you already know this, but… You've seen those scars Axel has on his wrists?"

Riku nodded, wondering how Sora knew anything about that. "He tried to kill himself, but it was years ago. He didn't want me to worry about it."

"Oh." Sora nodded, and seemed to relax somewhat. "I just thought you should know, with him being missing and all… I guess you already know why he did it too?"

General depression and a messed up life? Axel had been vague about it, but that was the impression Riku had got from what little he had said. He frowned, searching Sora's eyes for hints of what he was getting at. "No, not really... It's one of those things he won't let me ask him about."

Sora's fingers tapped nervously against the door frame. "Well… I asked _Roxas_ about it, and he said he did it just after they broke up." He looked up to meet Riku's gaze. "Not that I think you should worry about it, but maybe you should make sure to talk to him so you know everything is alright. I mean, maybe he's not so good at handling break-ups?"

"Okay." It was all Riku could think of saying, his mind already spinning away in forty different directions.

"Okay," Sora echoed, nodding his head and getting ready to leave.

"Wait! Was it Roxas who broke up with Axel, or..?"

"It was Roxas." Sora cocked his head, giving him a worried look. "Are you okay?"

Riku nodded dumbly, forcing out something he hoped was at least recognizable as a smile. "Just fine. Say hello to Kairi for me."

Just the mention of her name made Sora's face light up with a goofy grin, and it would probably have annoyed Riku if his brain hadn't been working in overdrive with all the complications this new knowledge brought. For a long time after Sora had left he just stood there staring at the door, hoping to hear Axel's footfalls out in the corridor.

_Axel had loved Roxas, but Roxas had left him and after that he hadn't wanted to live anymore._

Riku tried to imagine what it must have felt like to unexpectedly meet someone you had that kind of history with, but couldn't. But he didn't need to imagine, did he? He had been right there when Axel started to kiss him like there was no tomorrow, only to suddenly break down completely, sobbing into his shoulder and smearing his shirt with makeup. _Fuck._

He had just been mad at him. Later punched him in the face and refused to talk to him, when Roxas had probably just left him for the second time to try to mend things with his girlfriend. _Double fuck._

Riku buried his face in his hands. That message…

_It's all falling apart Riku... please see me, please. I need you_

He had thought it meant Axel missed him, but maybe it was Roxas he was upset about? Maybe he had wanted Riku there to distract himself from thinking about him?

_Falling apart…_ What if he had needed someone there to stop him from..?

Riku fought the uneasy churnings of his stomach, trying to figure out if he was worried or pissed off. The many days without hearing any sounds from Axel's apartment suddenly seemed very ominous, and he clasped his hand over his mouth. _Worried, definitely worried_. He _loved_ him, even if Axel didn't love him back, even if he had slept with Roxas and even if it had only been three weeks.

_What if there was no longer an Axel to be pissed at?_

The thought came like a slap in the face, and he had to lean against the wall as his knees buckled.

No way, _NO WAY!_ He couldn't have cut himself up again; not when he had told Riku that he wouldn't do it again and that he didn't need to worry about it. He hadn't even considered the possibility until now!

_Deep breaths, Riku. Calm down._ He at least needed to call the hospital before he started making up crazy doomsday scenarios. Maybe he could check with Axel's employers too; if he had been at work, there would be no reason to worry, would there?

He got moving, digging out the phone book from underneath a stack of magazines and started flipping the pages.

X

The distance was short, not much more than a meter or so. The height was a little unnerving, but it should be a piece of cake. Riku told himself this as climbed onto the railing of his balcony, but deep within he knew this was an act of desperation. The hospital had no concussion patient with Axel's name and description, and the people at his work had not seemed very pleased at all, because apparently Axel hadn't shown up there at all this week.

_You can tell him he's fired!_

That was what the mean old hag had shouted before she ended the call by a loud slam of the receiver, leaving Riku with his guts knotted into a tight ball of ice while visions of his lover holding a knife to his wrist flooded his mind.

He reached out with his leg until his foot rested steadily on the neighbouring balcony's railing, and started shifting his weight. The scariest part was letting go with his hands, but the panic only lasted for moments before he found hold at the other side and cold climb over to the safety of Axel's balcony.

It was dark inside his apartment, he could see through the window, and no sign of Axel anywhere in his only room. He could still be in the bathroom or the kitchen, though.

Riku tried the door, only to find it locked. Muttering a curse, he rapped his knuckle against the window, but wasn't surprised when nothing stirred in the darkness behind it.

What should he do? Climb back? Call Sora?

He hesitated, but only for a moment before he decided he couldn't turn back now. The uneasy feeling in his gut was too strong, and he would only lie awake all night worrying if he didn't check that… he pushed the thought away. _He probably just isn't home._

But he had to know. He bent down, removing his left shoe and then his sock, slipping it over his right hand. Breathed in, closed his fist, and then slammed it full force into the door's glass window.

_God damn, it hurt!_

But the glass shattered with a load crash, shards exploding inward, and Riku stared at the hole he had just created for a short moment before he ducked down, hiding himself from view behind the railing. He didn't need any overly curious neighbours calling the police for seeing him breaking and entering.

Everything remained quiet, but he decided to stay hidden at least five minutes, and pulled the sock off to examine his hand in the meantime. One shard of glass had cut through the fabric, and he was bleeding from a shallow cut over his knuckles. It was just a slow trickling though, and no glass seemed to be lodged in the skin, so he discarded the sock and put his shoe back on. He waited, counting the seconds in his head.

…_300._

He rose slowly, scanning the park below for passers-by and the windows on the opposite building for silhouettes watching him, but he seemed to be clear. He released a shaky breath and realized he was nervous, _really_ nervous. _He isn't home. Just confirm it._

Slowly, to avoid the jagged edges of glass around the hole in the window, he stuck his hand through it and fumbled for the lock on the inside, turning it when he found it.

The glass crunched under his feet as he entered, almost drowning his thin voice.

"Axel..?"

He cleared his throat, calling out again, a little louder, but just as expected, no one answered. He crossed the room slowly, afraid to trip over something in the darkness, until he finally reached the far wall and could flick the light on. Everything looked normal. Record cases and clothes lay scattered on the floor and the bed was unmade, like Axel had just slept in it, but Riku knew it said nothing. Axel wasn't a very big fan of cleaning up after himself. He soon spotted another evidence of that, a large, dark stain on the floor between the hallway and the living room. _Blood._

His heart leapt into his throat, even though he almost instantly realized where it must have come from. Sora had said that Axel's eyebrow had split from when Riku punched him, and the stain's location was consistent with Riku's memory of where he had fallen, but the sight of it still unnerved him. The uneasy churning in his stomach intensified and his heart rate refused to go back to normal as he continued searching the apartment.

He checked the kitchen first, noting the dirty dishes and breadcrumbs on the table, but no Axel. Only the bathroom left then…

He hesitated in front of the closed door. In the movies, they always found people in the bathtub… It must have something to do with preserving body temperature as the blood drained out, he was sure he had read it somewhere. An image of Axel's red hair floating on the surface of equally red water appeared in his mind, morbidly beautiful, and Riku's knees almost gave out under him.

_Get a grip, get a grip, get a fucking GRIP! He doesn't even have a bathtub._

The inner reassurance felt hollow, and his heart continued beating fast and hard as he fingered the handle, afraid of what might be waiting for him behind the door. Would it be his fault if..? That last message, begging him to see him… Maybe he shouldn't have ignored it.

Squeezing his eyes shut, he opened the door and groped for the light switch. All he had to do now was look… The floor seemed dry under his feet; there would be no rivers of blood. Just a normal, empty bathroom, because Axel was _not_ lying dead in the shower cabin, he was out. Somewhere. Fucking _sightseeing_, or whatever, but _not_ dead.

Riku pried one eye open, letting out a sobbing gasp as he saw that the bathroom _was_ in fact empty. The most morbid thing in it was a bloodied towel slung over the side of the laundry basket. He could have laughed, _sung_, with the wave of euphoric relief washing over him, and he had to sit down on the toilet when his whole body begun to tremble from the adrenaline rush he didn't know he had been having.

Stupid, fucking Axel, worrying him like that! Just to imagine him lying in there the whole week, cold and dead while Riku was trying to cop a feel from Sora… When he got back from wherever he was, he was going to chew him out _so_ bad, and then he was going to hold him and kiss him and _never_ let go.

Or maybe not, he thought as his body slowly started to calm down. But he would at least talk to him. He could just wait here so he would be sure to not miss his return… And Axel wouldn't have to wonder why his balcony door was broken. Riku made a small grimace at his own stupidity. He guessed he would have to pay for that… Served him right for acting on impulse like that. Why could he never learn to think things through?

His fears suddenly seemed childish and exaggerated, and Axel would probably laugh at him when he told him he had broken into his apartment because he thought he was lying dead in the bathroom. 'I don't miss you _that_ much,' he would say.

Riku groaned, unhappily fixing his gaze on a familiar toothbrush standing in a cup on the washbasin. It was the one he had kept here as a spare for when he spent the night. Weird that Axel hadn't thrown it away… or just another testament to how different they were. He had wanted to get rid of anything that could remind him of Axel, especially things like the spare toothbrush _he_ kept at his apartment; anything that hinted on how close their relationship had been. Maybe Axel just didn't care… or maybe he liked having something of Riku left around?

He hoped so; the thought felt nice.

He stared at the toothbrush a few moments longer, and then frowned as he realized there was something off with the picture before him. There was _his_ toothbrush, but where was _Axel's?_ He had always kept it standing in that cup, but now Riku's toothbrush was alone in it. Had he mixed them up, throwing away his own? Or… He suddenly noticed the toothpaste was gone as well.

Had he gone away somewhere?

He stood up, feeling the towels and looked in the shower cabin. All dry, which meant Axel hadn't used the bathroom for a while. Damn it! Opening the cupboard above the wash basin, he saw that a lot of Axel's other things seemed to be missing too. His makeup, deodorant, hair gel…

He really had left.

But where? And why hadn't he told anyone? Riku could have cried with frustration, coming to the conclusion that Axel probably didn't want to be found, that was why he had turned his phone off. Didn't he want to talk anymore? Maybe he really was mad at him for punching him like that, and for being so angry and ignoring him.

He reached for his cell phone, about to make a panicked call to Sora, but then he closed his fist in his pocket instead. He just needed to calm down and _think._ Maybe if he snooped around a bit he could find some clue as to where Axel had gone.

He stumbled back out in the hallway and scanned it, not feeling very calm at all. The first thing he spotted was the box of stuff he had left outside Axel's door on Sunday standing against the wall, and not far from it a scrunched up ball of paper which he suspected was the note he had left along with it. That said something about how happy Axel had been with his message, he supposed, and regret bloomed out in his chest. What if he never got to talk to Axel again and that had been his last words to him? That he didn't want to see him…

Then his eyes fell on a slim, white envelope lying just inside the door, and he picked it up, curiosity peaked. On it was simply written 'AXEL' in large capital letters. Was this what Roxas had come to drop off? A letter? Riku hesitated. The envelope wasn't sealed, but he wasn't sure he wanted to know what Roxas had written. Maybe he should just throw it away so Axel never got it.

_Fuck it._ Even if Roxas hadn't seemed to have heard from Axel since the party, maybe it still had some clue about his whereabouts… He opened it, and could not hold back a reluctant chuckle. Even Roxas' handwriting was next to identical to Sora's…

But the smile soon faded from his face as he started to read.

_Axel,_

_I've tried to write this letter like a thousand times now, and it sounds retarded no matter what I do, so you'll just have to stand it. I just want to make sure you get some basic things…_

_1. I don't regret what we did, because it was amazing and I can't even begin to explain what it meant to me (sappy, I know). I hope you don't regret it either… but I'm sorry if it messed things up with Riku. Which leads me to:_

_2. If you can make up with him, you should, because he's a nice person and he would be good for you, not like the scumbags you usually hang out with. And I know you like him way more than you want to admit. I've seen you be in love before, you know…_

_3. This is most important; DON'T DOUBT YOURSELF! Maybe you don't see it, but take my word for it, you've really changed… And you've always been smarter than the other losers. You're on your way towards something good, so just keep on going and you'll make it. I know it.  
You just need to believe in yourself, and you're not trash just because of what has happened in the past. At least I don't think so…_

_Maybe I sound like an idiot and you don't care what I think, but I'll take my chances in case you do… I'm glad I met you again, and I forgive you for everything. I'm gonna 'stay with the girl', but I think some part of my heart will always belong to you._

_Roxas_

Riku licked his lips, not sure what to feel. At the bottom of the page was scribbled Roxas' cell phone number along with an instruction to not call unless it was important, because Naminé would be pissed. He had half a mind to call it himself, and tell Roxas to stay the hell away from his boyfriend… only Axel had never been his boyfriend, and the letter actually seemed more like a goodbye when he skimmed through it a second time. Maybe Axel needed to see it, especially that part about _him._

He folded it up again and put it back in the envelope, hesitating over what to do with it next. Eventually he stuffed it in his pocket, deciding that he _might_ give it to Axel after they had talked. But first he needed to find out where he had gone.

A quick search through the apartment didn't yield much result, the only thing Riku discovered was that the suitcase Axel had brought with him when he first arrived (and still hadn't got around to completely unpack) was also missing, meaning that wherever Axel had gone, he intended to stay for a while.

So what did he do now? Maybe if he tried to call again…

But Axel's phone still seemed to be turned off, and Riku put his own back in his pocket with a miserable sigh. It didn't feel good at all to not know where he was. Maybe he had gone back home, to Menelflor where he came from? It was hard imagining where else he could have gone, but Riku still thought it seemed strange. Hadn't Axel hated his old life and wanted to get away from it?

Or did he suddenly long for something familiar now when the situation was what it was? Maybe he was feeling down and needed his friends and family… It would make sense. There was another possibility though, and it worried Riku because it seemed much more likely. From what Axel had said, his family and friends were not people you would go to for support. Riku suspected that in the past, Axel had been looking for that in the drugs, and even if he had quit them now, who knew how tempting they would be in a moment of desperation?

He hung his head and wished he had any idea how Axel was feeling. All he had to go on was that single message, Sora's reaction to the other ones and that rolled up piece of paper in the hallway. He probably wasn't happy, but did he miss him? Or was it Roxas he missed? Was he mad? Hurt? Lonely?

Suddenly his phone went off, and Riku's heart started pounding as he fished it out of his pocket. He realized that it probably wasn't Axel; he had just tried to call him after all, but he still felt a sharp pang of disappointment as he stared at the caller ID.

_Parents._

He couldn't help a groan slipping out of him. Not now! Still he accepted the call, putting the phone to his ear nervously.

"Hello?"

"_Watanabe Riku, where are you?"_

Oh great, it _had_ to be his mom… Sometimes his dad was actually possible to talk to, but his mom was way too fond of throwing fits.

"Uh… in my apartment," he lied. At least it was close…

"You need to get home _right now_, so your father and I can talk to you!"

Riku winced at the sharp tone of her voice. "…Why?" he asked slowly, though he suspected what the reason must be. They had heard something about the party….

"Don't give me that attitude, young man! You know perfectly well why."

"What if I don't?" he snarled back defensively.

His mother was quiet for a moment, then gave out a fake sigh and continued in a clipped, snappy voice.

"Alright, Riku. I'll tell you how it is. I had a very informative talk with your classmate; mrs Iaito's daughter, today."

"Nell?"

"That's right. A charming, young woman by the way."

Riku rolled his eyes. _Charming_ was hardly the word he would have used to describe Nell… She was a bright girl, but awfully nosy and had to be right about everything. They had played sometimes when he was little, because they lived on the same street. "Whatever."

"Not only did she tell me that you haven't been in school for the whole week," his mother continued, pretending that she hadn't heard him. "She also mentioned you had been making out with some _boy_ at Selphie Tilmit's birthday party! Is this true? I don't suppose it was that redheaded young man you brought home for dinner last week?"

Riku swallowed. So the cards were on the table then…

"Yes, mom, it's true. I kissed Axel at Selphie's birthday party."

It felt good admitting it, even if he suspected his mom wouldn't like it in the least. Sure enough, after a brief silence she replied, voice filled with angered confusion.

"Why would you do something like that? Do you think it's funny? Don't you realize what people will say about you?"

"Yeah, I realize!" Riku burst out frustrated. "Why do you think I've been staying home all week? And it wasn't like I planned it!"

"I can imagine; Nell told me you also had a little too much to drink."

_Great._ Riku scowled into the phone, refusing to answer that. He would have to tell Nell to mind her own fucking business in the future.

"Riku," his mother started again, this time with a softer almost pleading tone. "Your father and I are just worried about you. Skipping school and _drinking_? You've always been… _wilful_, but this isn't like you." She paused. "I understand from Sora, that you've been spending a lot of time with this Axel… Are you sure he's such a good influence on you?"

Riku clenched his teeth. Axel had undoubtedly proved to not be very trustworthy, and perhaps not very good for him either, but where would he be without him? Still a miserable virgin, jealous of his best friend's girlfriend. In the end, did it even matter if Axel was the biggest bastard on the planet?

"I don't care, mom. I'm in love with him." He didn't give his mother any time to answer, hurriedly continuing, "Selphie's party wasn't the first time I kissed him, and I've slept with him too."

"Riku! What are you saying?"

"You heard me," he ground out, a little shocked by himself for admitting these things. "I'm gay."

There was a stunned silence, and then it seemed like his mother had finally been pushed to her limit. "I've had enough of this nonsense, Riku! You get your butt home, right now! If you think we're paying for your apartment so you can get drunk and have sex with _boys_ you're sorely mistaken! How long have you even known this Axel? I understand you probably think he's exciting, but he could have all manner of diseases; it's not healthy to be that thin. I tell you, he looks like he could be doing drugs, and he didn't even finish high school! I don't think that sounds like a person I would want people to associate with my son!"

Even though he was mad at Axel and his mother had a point, it still made him angry to hear her talk about him like that. And she actually pulled the apartment card on him!

"You'll be happy to hear I broke up with him then!" he growled, feeling his eyes fill with tears. "And I'm _not_ coming home!" He ended the call and had to fight hard to resist throwing the phone into the wall. Instead he sat back on Axel's bed, and buried his face in his hands, crying like a baby. _Again._

The phone soon went off again, but this time Riku shut it off instead of answering. He hated absolutely _everything_ about his life. His closest friends accepted him, but the rest of Destiny Islands never would. Not his parents, not his classmates. His mother hadn't even seemed to take him seriously. He would always be an outsider and a freak here, never having a boyfriend and spending the rest of his life lusting after Sora. His parents would stop paying for his apartment, and then he would have nowhere to go… Unless he quit school and got a job. Maybe he should just leave, like he had always wanted.

He looked up. _Maybe he really should._

If he could just confirm that Axel had really gone to Menelflor, maybe he could follow him there? Roxas had to know the names of his parents and friends; maybe if he found out their numbers and called around, he could find Axel and come visit him? He had savings, he could pay for the airline ticket…

He wiped at his eyes, heart speeding up a little. The idea felt a little crazy, but what did he have to lose? He wanted to go to Menelflor, and he wanted to see Axel.

He dug out Roxas' letter from his pocket and turned his phone on again so he could punch in the number, and after a few signals Roxas picked up with a wary 'hello'.

"Hi, this is Riku…"

X

_Author's notes:_

_Finally finished! _

_But geh, transition chapter, transition chapter… Sometimes it felt like the whole fucking thing was about people making eye contact! I've been struggling with this like you wouldn't believe… And no Axel! I missed him… Next chapter we'll find out what happened to him, because it's the last one. (Unless I get any wild, last-minute ideas… but I don't think so. It is possible that it will be so long I'll have to cut it in two, though. We'll see! :-)) _

_Thank you so much, you people reading and reviewing! I would never have gone this far without you!_

_(btw, Ricky Martinez is completely made up, not based on an actual person or fictional character, in case you were wondering.)_


	12. What's left in ruins, part 1

_Hey everyone! (if anyone's still reading...)  
_

_There are some things you should know about this chapter... (I'm nervous now!)_

_1. In no way, shape or form is it the last chapter, I have no idea what I was thinking when I thought I was close to finishing. It's going to be a while before this wraps up..._

_2. Sadly you won't find out what happened to Riku and Axel just yet, because this chapter takes place in the past and I'm introducing a new character (gasp!). Yes, I know I'm horrible for giving you this after being gone a year, but please don't kill me! :-(  
_

_3. This is just the first part of the massive wall of text that will be dealing with Marluxia... There will be 3 in total. I was going to post them all at the same time, but I think it will be easier for me to handle the text if I just post what is finished and get it out of the way._

_4. I'll end this list of disappointments on an up note: absolutely no rereading required! (which makes me feel guilty, because my stats tell me people must have been doing just that)  
_

* * *

**What's left in ruins, part 1**

X

_Scratch, shuffle, rain of pebbles._

Marluxia kept walking, dragging his feet in the gravel, feeling a tad rebellious as he did so. His mom would always tell him to stop dragging his feet because it wore his shoes out and they couldn't afford buying new ones all the time.

Like he ever got new shoes anyway! Currently he was wearing his sister's old shoes; ugly, _pink _sneakers with hearts sloppily painted on them in ball-point pen and whiteout. His plan was to wear them out as quickly as he possibly could, preferably before school started again in a couple of weeks. Not that he cared if the other kids pointed and giggled and called him a girl behind his back, because he didn't. _Not at all._

He kicked angrily at the road, feeling an odd sense of satisfaction as the gravel sprayed around his feet. He was headed for his secret place, an abandoned deconstruction site he had discovered a few weeks ago. It was dangerous to be playing there (or at least that was what the signs posted on the fence around it said) and his parents would surely be very mad at him if they knew where he spent most of his days.

Maybe that was why he liked the place so much.

Sometimes when he climbed the steel beams high above ground he fantasized about what would happen if he fell down. Maybe he would just die right away. Or maybe, he thought with a slight thrill, he would break his legs and die slowly of hunger or thirst… He didn't think anyone would find him; he had never seen another person there. Maybe there would just be a tiny skeleton left of him when they finally decided to get on with the deconstruction, picked clean by rats and birds and ants. Maybe he would be buried underneath the rubble without anyone ever finding out what happened to him (or what ugly shoes his skeleton was wearing!).

The thought intrigued him. He realized that it wasn't normal and that he should probably be freaked out by this kind of fantasies, but he wasn't, and there wasn't much to do about that, was there? Today he was going to climb higher than he ever had before.

He had found a pack of cigarettes on the ground the other day. It was almost full, and he had hidden it in a broken pipe to protect it from the rain. He hadn't dared bringing it home because his mom searched his pockets sometimes, and had she found it, she would have told his father for sure.

Instead, he was going to bring the cigarettes with him when he climbed, and when he had reached as high as he could, he would smoke them and just look at the view. See if he fell today.

That _was_ the plan anyway, but when Marluxia had crawled through the small hole in the chain-link fence and scrambled down the gravelly slope towards the skeleton of a building below, he saw something unexpected.

_An intruder._

It was a small boy sitting crouched in the rubble, playing with some sort of action figure. His head was bent down and he was making lots of noise, clearly too lost in his game to have noticed he wasn't alone anymore.

Marluxia stopped and stared at him, uncertain of what to do.

The boy looked to be a few years younger than him, maybe seven or eight, with bright red hair sticking out in messy tufts from his head. It had clearly _never_ seen a comb. And he was dressed even worse than Marluxia, in what looked like too large pyjama pants and a hand-knitted sweater with Mickey Mouse's obnoxiously grinning face on the front. _Jeez._

Marluxia decided that an aggressive approach was probably the best way to get rid of him.

"Hey!" he shouted, and the kid's head snapped up in surprise. Marluxia crossed his arms over his chest and tried to look threatening. "Don't you know this place is dangerous for little kids? Go away before you get hurt."

He hoped the message got through that he was more than willing to provide that hurt himself, but to his great disappointment the boy didn't look scared at all; he just frowned and stuck his chin out defiantly.

"I'm _not_ a little kid," he told Marluxia. "I'm eight years old! And if it's so dangerous, you shouldn't be here either."

True as that may be, it didn't make Marluxia any less angry. "Go somewhere else!" he growled. "This is _my_ place."

"Says who?" The boy stuck his tongue out at him. "I don't listen to little girls."

_Whoa._

"I am _not_ a girl," Marluxia heard himself say in a perfectly calm voice that in no way matched how he felt inside. But the boy didn't seem to realize how much trouble he was in and smirked arrogantly.

"Then why do you have long hair and _pink_ shoes? Even your hair is pink."

"Better than your greasy bird's nest," Marluxia retaliated, and felt better as the boy unconsciously reached to brush his uneven bangs out of his face, his expression turning into an angry pout. _Touchy about the hair__, eh?_

Marluxia smirked. Maybe _his_ hair was pink and girly, but no one could say it was ugly.

"And the shoes are my sister's; I just borrowed them because I stepped in dog shit," he lied fluently. "Anyway, you shouldn't make comments about what other people are wearing when you're dressed like _that._"

He made an effort to put as much contempt as he could muster into his voice, hoping that the hair wasn't the only thing the boy was self-conscious about. Apparently it wasn't, because he glared at Marluxia viciously, seemingly unable to come up with an answer.

Seemingly.

"At least I don't have _cooties._"

This was getting ridiculous. Maybe to a stupid eight-year-old pink shoes and long hair were dead giveaways of gender, but Marluxia had one that trumped all. He marched up to the boy and pulled his pants down along with his underwear.

The boy stared at his crotch and the undeniable evidence that he was _not_ a girl with a very satisfyingly dumbstruck look on his face. Marluxia tugged his pants back up and raised his eyebrows as he met the boy's gaze.

_What do you have to say about that?_

"Uhm… okay," the boy muttered confused, but then he surprised Marluxia by suddenly grinning. "Hey! If you're not a girl… Do you want to play with me? You can borrow my Action Man!"

He shoved the figurine clutched in his right hand up towards Marluxia's face, who involuntarily took a step back. He didn't like sudden movements.

"Keep your stupid doll," he snapped.

"It's not a doll," the boy protested with a hurt look on his face, "it's _Action Man!_"

If the hurt came from his not wanting to play, or if it was because Action Man had been insulted, Marluxia couldn't tell. Maybe it was both.

"I don't care what you want to call your _doll_," Marluxia informed him. "Get the hell out of here before I beat you up."

"But..!"

"GET!"

The boy scrambled to his feet and must have realized that the battle was lost, because he started to back away until he was at a safe distance and then he turned and ran.

The triumph of scaring the intruder away didn't last very long. Marluxia suddenly didn't feel like climbing anymore, but still he felt too restless to just sit down somewhere. He circled the grounds a few times, poking at the rubble with a stick in the vague hopes of finding some cool abandoned stuff (like there was anything left to find when he already searched the place dozens of times). It quickly got boring.

He picked the cigarettes out of the pipe, smoked one and then hid them again.

Everything was that boy's fault. This place had been only for Marluxia, but now that the boy had been here, it seemed different. _Soiled;_ like the stone and air had soaked up something of his presence. Marluxia could imagine his dirty fingerprints everywhere, the echo of his shrill voice still bouncing off the walls.

It was hard to understand the feeling, and even more difficult to shake it. Suddenly the place even _looked_ different, like someone had pulled a blind from his eyes. He used to think that the half-wrecked building was a thing of beauty, with its naked steel beams showing in places and its gaping, empty windows opening like portals into the unknown. Now it just looked empty and lifeless. Kind of like a graveyard.

The whole place was like a graveyard, or the insides of a trashcan. No greens, just different shades of greys and browns, dusty and dirty. Crushed glass and concrete and sharp, twisted metal everywhere. It really wasn't a place for little kids.

That god-damned boy should know better than to come here! Didn't he have parents looking after him? The thought of falling to his death on these grounds seemed a lot more unappealing if there was a chance that some little brat and his Action Man would stumble upon his corpse.

Marluxia frowned and stared at his shoes. He wondered if some part of him had actually _planned_ to die here.

Did he _want_ to die?

His pink-shoed feet provided no answers, and after a while Marluxia decided he really didn't want to think about it, so he shrugged, spat on the ground, and left.

This was a stupid, boring place anyway.

X

But the next day he was back again. Needed it. To be alone and unseen and anywhere but home. Maybe he would climb today. Maybe, if it didn't hurt too much.

He wiped at his eyes even though there were no tears there. It felt like maybe there should be.

Inside the fence he went directly for the pipe and picked out the cigarettes. He didn't open the package immediately; first he climbed on top of a large, orange dumpster figuring it would be a good vantage point. He had some trouble getting up, but once he was there, it was worth the aches, because the view was even better than he had thought.

He lit a cigarette, looking out over his deserted kingdom of rubble. He felt a little better about it today, like he had been unnecessarily harsh to it yesterday. What did it matter if it was ugly when it was _his?_ It was still a much better place than most other places he knew of. And it felt good the way the cigarette made his head spin and his legs feel heavy and numb.

Nicotine was the name of the drug inside it; he had learned that in school before summer from a police man that had visited to tell them that smoking and drinking was bad. Your lungs would turn black and fill with tar if you smoked, and if you drank, your heart could stop or you could fall asleep and drown in your own vomit. The police man also said that nicotine was poisonous and that only sixty milligrams of it could kill an adult man. That was awfully little, but they had been assured that there was nowhere near that amount in a single cigarette. But it was still a poison.

Strange that such a small amount could still affect you. It had to be next to nothing if it was even less than sixty milligrams. Sixty milligrams was equal to 0.06 grams the teacher had told them, and a gram weighed so little that you could barely even feel it to begin with.

Marluxia found this strangely fascinating.

He hadn't intended to smoke more than one cigarette, but somehow he was already getting started with his third when he heard a rustle somewhere behind him. He turned his head, and there was that god-damned boy again!

Today he had E.T. on his sweater. When had _that_ been popular? Maybe the boy was stuck having to wear the clothes of an older sibling just like Marluxia.

The boy stopped midstep when he saw that he had been spotted and his shoulders tensed. But then his eyes widened.

"Are you _smoking?_" he asked incredulously, gawking at the cigarette in Marluxia's hand.

Despite himself, Marluxia almost laughed. "So what?"

"Mom says smoking isn't for kids," the boy enlightened him. Marluxia rolled his eyes.

"Maybe not little snot-nosed brats like you. But I'm ten years old."

"I'm not snot-nosed!" the boy protested, immediately contradicting himself by wiping at his nose.

"Yeah, right. Didn't I tell you I'd beat you up if you kept coming here?"

The boy frowned, and seemed uncertain of what to do. He had brought his Action Man today too, and shuffled it nervously between his hands.

"Why are you so mean?"

"Why don't you just go somewhere else?"

"Because…" The boy kicked angrily at the ground. "The other kids at the playground just pick on me. And mom said I can't go out for two weeks if I get in another fight again."

"Is that why you ran away yesterday?"

The boy squinted up at him and nodded.

He certainly didn't look like a fighter; there didn't seem to be much but skin and bone underneath his ill-fitting clothes. But maybe there was more to him than what met the eye, Marluxia thought and drew another breath from his cigarette with a slight cough. His throat was getting raw. And he was nauseous.

He didn't feel like leaving his spot on top of the container. Not that it would have been much of a problem kicking the boy's ass if he had to, but still… Moving was an effort today.

"What's your name?" he asked the boy.

"Axel." A slight pause. "What's yours?"

"Marluxia."

The boy – _Axel _– repeated the name to himself slowly and frowned. "What a strange name…"

Marluxia shrugged, and somewhere inside him a decision was made. Axel most likely had no friends to bring here; he was too odd and ugly, and it seemed like he too just wanted somewhere where he could be alone. This place was big enough for two, at least today. He would probably throw up if he attempted to chase him down anyway.

"You can play here if you want. I don't care as long as you leave me alone."

Axel stuck his tongue out. "I don't need your _permission!_ I was going to play here anyway!"

Marluxia rolled his eyes, but couldn't hold back a smile. "Whatever."

He flipped his cigarette away and lay back on the container, deciding to just ignore Axel from now on. He would just lie there and stare up at the clouds floating slowly over the sky, trying to see shapes in them. It was something he liked to do sometimes, because after a while it would feel like his mind was also floating; one thought leading to the next like an endlessly forking road. You never knew where you would end up.

Axel didn't bother him again. Apparently he was used to playing on his own, because after a while Marluxia could hear him get into some imaginary adventure with his Action Man. He had a loud, squeaky voice and he did an incredibly bad imitation of machinegun fire, but strangely it wasn't as annoying as you would think.

Marluxia could get used to this. Feeling the taste of smoke on the back of his tongue while the clouds above illustrated the adventures of Action Man. He didn't know why it made sense to him, but it did.

More sense than being at home.

His mother had heard. She _must_ have heard. Probably his sister too, but none of them said anything. In the morning they just sat there quietly by the breakfast table with their cereal like everything was perfectly normal.

In a way it was, he supposed. It wasn't like it was the first time his father went into his room at night.

X

It was odd how things worked out.

It was the first day of school, and Marluxia had his new shoes on. His mother had sighed when he held the hated pink sneakers up before her, probably suspecting that the holes right through the soles didn't come from normal wear and tear, but she had taken him shopping anyway. The new shoes were maybe not the most fashionable in the world, but at least they weren't pink.

Marluxia had just decided that he would try to take better care of these ones, when he spotted a familiar shock of red hair among the faceless hordes of younger kids at the playground. It wasn't unexpected. All the last weeks of summer break Axel had kept coming to the deconstruction site to play with his Action Man, and Marluxia had been hearing enough of his babbling about his teachers and classmates to figure out they were going to the same school, but he hadn't bothered telling the younger boy about it. If he could avoid it, he didn't want to deal with him in school.

It wasn't that he disliked him, because he couldn't really say he did anymore. He guessed he had just got used to him after seeing so much of his ugly mug, maybe one could even say he kind of knew him by now. Axel was a pretty nosy and talkative kid, so ignoring him completely had been impossible. Not that Marluxia had _really_ wanted to; because he had to admit Axel's antics could be pretty funny.

But he wouldn't stretch it so far as to say he _liked_ him. Maybe having him around for a while had been okay, but that would have to end now. He was too old to be seen talking to eight-year-olds, especially weird, smelly eight-year-olds that no one liked. It would draw attention and comments, and Marluxia just wanted to be left alone.

He leaned back against the tree trunk again, turning his attention back to the porno he had smuggled with him by switching its cover for that of an auto magazine. Axel would most likely not spot him here under the tree in the outskirts of the schoolyard, and if he did, he would just have to tell him to piss off.

Marluxia had worked hard to get to the position he was at today, where everyone ignored him and considered him a boring, weird loner. His first years had been filled with shoves and name-calling and no way was he going back to that just because of Axel. People still called him names, but at least they did it behind his back. He thought some of them were actually a little scared of him, and that was just fine.

His method had been simple. When he could, he ignored the comments and walked away from the potential fights, always careful to not seem scared or angry; because that was a sure way to invite trouble. The bullies _wanted_ to get a rise out of him, so all he had to do was to not give them what they wanted.

But when he _couldn't_ walk away, he made sure to go all out and fight dirty and fight to actually _hurt_ someone. Most boys enjoyed the occasional rough and tumble, but not when he didn't hesitate to poke fingers into eyes and bite until he pierced skin and flesh and swing at them with whatever he could find to use as a weapon. Sticks, chairs, rocks; it didn't matter.

He didn't have to set many examples before the physical violence ended, and it had been worth it in the long run; even though he hadn't exactly walked away from those fights unscathed. There had been other consequences as well; his teacher had forced him to talk to the school counsellor and his parents had grounded him, but it was nothing Marluxia couldn't deal with.

There was in fact very little he couldn't deal with. If there was one thing he was good at, it was reading situations and understanding the rules that governed them, and he could almost always find a way to adapt. School was easy, because there were really only two options (unless you were popular, which Marluxia wasn't interested in): blend in or make yourself so alien no one knew how to control you.

Blending in had never been an option for him, because not only was he pink-haired and girly-looking, he also knew there was something about him that was just different from other people. Something in his head that wasn't normal.

Luckily, people feared things that weren't normal. All he had to do was exaggerate a little.

Axel obviously hadn't grasped either of those basic survival strategies, Marluxia observed over the following few weeks. He got into arguments and scuffles seemingly every day. His clothes and attitude were all wrong, drawing attention when he should be avoiding it. He seemed to have strong opinions on just about everything, and he didn't hesitate to say them out loud even when no one else agreed. Marluxia lost count on how many times he saw him get beat up. He took on too many people at once, and he wasn't vicious enough to intimidate anyone (except maybe the boys and girls who was even younger and scrawnier than him).

Strangely it never seemed to scare Axel or make him tone down his attitude. He was who he was and didn't seem willing to compromise it. Maybe he just didn't know how to be any other way.

Whatever the reason for it, Marluxia had to reluctantly admire it. If he was honest with himself, he knew that it wasn't healthy to always bottle up and ignore like he did, and maybe that was why he one day decided to interfere.

He was walking by the playground at lunch break, when he heard noise from behind the shed where they kept the hockey sticks and baseball bats. Already suspecting what was going on, he peeked around the corner, and sure enough, there was a fight and there was Axel. He was pinned underneath a veritable mountain of angry boys, his skinny legs flailing wildly while he unleashed a pretty impressive host of curses upon his tormentors. It was obvious he would never get free on his own. Some boys held him down, while others punched and pinched and kicked, all safely out of sight from the teachers patrolling the school yard.

It made Marluxia angry. He wasn't sure why, since Axel probably had himself to blame for the trouble he was in. Marluxia had heard him say downright nasty things to the other kids at times; things that were much worse than what the other kids said to him, and he could kind of understand that they didn't like him.

But still it just bugged him that no one would give Axel a break. That they couldn't just shrug and ignore him and conclude that he probably just didn't know better. He _was_ loud and annoying and had ugly clothes and bad hygiene, but Marluxia knew he also had parents that spent all their money on alcohol and stayed up late at night yelling at each other. Maybe life wasn't so easy when you were eight years old and had to deal with that every day.

So he grabbed a baseball bat and wiped every trace of expression from his face, and then he walked up to the boy-heap and told it to leave Axel the fuck alone. They stared at him wide-eyed for a few moments (and at the bat resting on his shoulder), and then they grudgingly stopped their fighting and lumbered away.

Marluxia suspected they must have heard rumours about him.

"You okay?" he asked once the boys were out of hearing range, turning towards Axel who was slowly scrambling to his feet. He looked unharmed; apart from his bloody nose it was mostly his clothes that were torn and stained from all the rolling around in the dirt.

"I'm _fine,_" he snarled. "I didn't need any help!" He was still bristling with anger, his fists clenching and unclenching by his sides.

Marluxia shrugged.

"Sure you didn't."

Axel glared at him, a kind of uncertainty in his eyes.

"Well, thanks anyway," he muttered finally, looking down at his feet. And then, after some frustrated kicking in the dirt, "I didn't know you went to my school."

"Now you do," Marluxia answered, realizing that he was probably being a little bit infuriating. "See you around."

With that he pushed the bat into Axel's hands and walked back to his tree.

X

After that incident, Marluxia started keeping a closer eye on Axel. He didn't let him know about it, since he didn't want the younger boy to get the idea that they were friends or anything, but he kept watch from a distance. And at times when things seemed particularly rough for Axel, he tried to step in. Not in any obvious way, like the first time. If things got too heated he told a teacher that there was a fight, but most of the times it was enough to just go and sit by the swings to get the younger kids to calm down, or as was more often the case; to get Axel to calm down.

All he really needed to do was bring a magazine down to the playground and pretend to read it, and Axel's attention would suddenly be focused on him instead of the other kids. It was a little weird.

Sometimes Marluxia was patient with him, and listened to his babbling or told him what he was reading about, but at other times he was admittedly kind of mean to him, telling him to get lost. Still, Axel just sulked when he would probably have tried to hit anyone else speaking to him like that.

Marluxia wasn't sure why different rules applied to him, but he kind of liked things the way they were. He figured Axel understood that even though he didn't really want anything to do with him, he wasn't an enemy, and he just might be willing to listen if there was something weighing on his mind.

It happened a few times that Axel would show up nearby his tree, kicking at puddles of water or just standing there with his hands shoved in his pockets until Marluxia asked him what was up.

A Monday Axel told him that his mom hadn't woke up and gone to work in the morning, so he had had to grab a can of baked beans out of the cupboard for lunch, and now he couldn't open it. Another day he asked if it was normal that fathers forgot to buy birthday presents for their kids. Or that fathers disappeared over the weekend without saying where they'd been. Did all parents argue? What was a divorce? Could you die from smoking or drinking too much?

There were clearly things on little Axel's mind, and even though Marluxia had plenty of his own problems, he didn't mind hearing about Axel's. He couldn't do much about them, but sometimes it seemed to be enough to let him read over his shoulder or let him have a taste of his cigarette behind the gymnasium. It was something of a mystery to him, that it was so easy to make Axel happy with little things like that. It was probably just because he was too stupid to realize it didn't fix anything, but Marluxia didn't complain.

Sometimes things felt a little less meaningless when he watched Axel run off with his back straight again.

X

It wasn't something that happened fast.

If it had been, Marluxia would have put a stop to it before it was too late, but it sneaked up on him so slowly that he never even realized what was going on. Not until an early winter morning while riding the bus to school, almost a full year and a half since he first met Axel.

He had the Game Boy he had gotten for Christmas stuffed in his backpack, and he was in a good mood. It was the first day of school after the holidays, and Marluxia was itching to get back. He had spent most of the break holed up in his room to avoid his father and his stupid sister, and he was thoroughly bored. The Game Boy had helped, but it was frustrating when he got stuck on difficult levels. It wasn't like he had a ton of different games to choose from, so he was forced to struggle on until he was so angry he just wanted to throw it in the wall.

Maybe Axel could help him clear that level he had had so much trouble with. Axel had told him he had a NES console at home, and he was good at video games (at least if his boasting about all the games he had beaten was true).

Marluxia smiled to himself. It would be good to see Axel again, and with the Game Boy they would always have something to do at lunch break.

That was when it hit him, and the realization wiped away his good mood more effectively than any mean comment from his sister. He stared down at his hands.

He had _missed_ Axel. They were becoming _friends_.

The rest of the day he made himself invisible and avoided Axel. And the days after that one. He didn't like doing it, because he _did_ miss him; maybe even more now when he had _realized,_ and he could see that Axel liked it even less than him. He looked confused and hurt whenever their eyes met and he got into a lot more fights than usual.

Marluxia was ashamed of himself, but he didn't know what else to do. The idea of friendship scared him, and he was pretty sure it was for the best if someone like him didn't even try to have friends. Friends hanged out at each other's houses and told each other secrets, and he didn't _want_ anyone to be close to him and know his secrets. And he sure as hell didn't want Axel anywhere _near_ his house.

He could already imagine his father pretending to be a nice guy, showing off his collection of model airplanes to Axel, and his mother treating them to lemonade and home made cookies. Maybe Axel would _like_ his parents.

That thought was absolutely disgusting.

Even more disgusting was the thought that he would have to start keeping up the same charade; _normal and happy, _or else his newfound friendship would probably be very short-lived. He had no idea what it was that Axel liked about him, but he suspected it was probably something in his imagination that had very little to do with reality.

Maybe he just liked that he treated him nicer than the other kids. The keyword here was 'nice-_r_'. Not nice, because Marluxia knew he could be a little mean, and he sometimes had thoughts about Axel that were definitely not in the nice category (like: ugly, brain-dead, annoying).

If they were to be real friends, he would have to start being nice or Axel would surely start thinking similar things about him, which did not sit well with Marluxia at all. But was there even a point of having a friend if you had to pretend around him?

It was for the best if he just got back to being alone, he concluded. Before Axel, it had been perfectly normal; he had even _liked_ being alone, so it shouldn't be so hard to switch back.

Only it was.

Marluxia _did_ try, but it was like he had completely forgotten how to be himself; how to do the things he normally liked to do. He couldn't concentrate on reading, the Game Boy was out of the question, and if he tried to lose himself in some daydream, Axel would soon invade his thoughts and make him depressed. Nothing was fun; even when he smoked he was restless, and after a few weeks of mind numbing boredom he was so desperate he actually started doing his _homework._ How freaky was that?!

One day he just couldn't take it anymore and sat down beside Axel in the cafeteria during lunch break with a casual "hi". Axel frowned and looked sullen, grumbled something back and then stared at his food in what was probably meant to be an attempt to ignore him. It would have been more convincing if he hadn't kept throwing him uncertain glances out of the corner of his eye.

Marluxia sighed.

"Sorry I've been weird for a while," he said. "My grandma died."

Both his grandmothers had been dead for years, but Axel didn't know that, and hopefully a grandmother's death was an acceptable cause for strange behaviour.

"Oh," Axel said, with very visible and almost comical relief painted over his face. "I thought it was something I… uh, I mean I'm sorry about that." He tried to look solemn and patted Marluxia's shoulder. "My grandma is alive, but mom won't let her meet me."

"Huh."

"Are you sad?"

"Maybe a little." Marluxia shrugged, refusing to let his own relief show on his face.

Axel gave him a sympathetic look.

"It's cool if you want to be left alone for a while. I… I know I talk too much."

"Alright."

Axel swallowed and shut his mouth, looking a little hurt. He had probably never liked being alone, Marluxia thought. And maybe _he_ never really had either.

"You want to hang out after school today?" he asked, and watched Axel almost choke on his mouthful of macaronis.

"Uh… yeah! Sure!" He grinned, shining up in a way that made Marluxia's chest feel uncomfortably tight.

He glared at him.

"But you can't come to my house. Ever."

If this was going to work, it was going to have to be on _his_ terms.

X

Marluxia had found an abandoned cellar some time ago, where he stashed his porn and cigarettes, and that was where he took Axel. Axel immediately loved the place, and suddenly hanging out there after school had become a routine. Sometimes he followed Axel home and watched TV or played video games, and that was okay too, even though the place reeked; seiously _reeked_ of cigarettes.

But Marluxia's house stayed off limits.

He hadn't thought it was possible, but after having met Axel's mother he hated his family even more. She certainly wasn't the best mother in the world; she couldn't cook and she drank all the time and smoked indoors, but at least she cared. Axel only rolled his eyes when she hugged him and kissed him and told him she loved him, but in truth he didn't know how lucky he was.

Marluxia thought it was the best thing in the world when she occasionally hugged _him_, because his own mother never did. Sometimes he thought she was jealous of him, because of what his father did to him and not to her. Once his sister had told him that it was his fault no one was happy around their house, and maybe she was right.

Strangely though, he seemed to fit right into Axel's family without making anyone particularly unhappy. They were just two now; Axel and his mother. Axel's father had left for good about a year ago, and Marluxia liked to think that it had left a slot open for him. Axel's mother had problems with keeping the fridge filled, since she was usually too drunk to worry about shopping, so he helped her with that. And cleaning. Sometimes he cooked too, even though he wasn't very good at it, but Axel and his mother didn't complain. Axel wolfed down anything like he had never seen food before (which was kind of true), and his mother ruffled Marluxia's hair and told him that he was such a good boy and that she was glad Axel had a friend like him.

No one had ever told him anything like that before, so he never stole cigarettes or liquor from her, even though he was often tempted to.

It was foolish, but sometimes he pretended that Axel was his little brother and that his mother was Marluxia's mother too. When they all three sat watching TV and eating pizza, he could almost believe it. The horrible, oppressive silence that reigned in his home just didn't exist with them. Both of them talked constantly, and even though they were often mad at each other, you always knew that it would pass.

In his family, _nothing_ ever passed. It all just added up, like a clouded sky getting darker and darker. Sometimes it felt like they silently hated each other a little more every day, but no one ever said anything about it. It was a silent agreement they had; to keep the illusion that they were a normal family at all costs, because when the storm finally came, everyone knew it would be _bad._

X

"_All good things must come to an end,"_ Marluxia thought._ "And all bad things must have a start."_

He liked that kind of balances, and smiled to himself.

All summer he had dreaded starting his new school, but as he was walking up to the large, brick building, he felt nothing but a slight drowsiness.

He had been eating his mother's pills, maybe one or two too many, but better safe than sorry. He was eating them a lot lately. At first he had just been stealing them, until his mother inevitably found out and confronted him.

"_Marluxia, I know you have been taking my medicine."_

Medicine was a nice word for it, they were drugs and nothing else, and she took them to stand (or maybe _ignore_ was a better word) the complete disaster that was their family.

"_Why are you taking them?"_ she had asked hesitantly, and Marluxia had remained silent. He knew she didn't want an answer to that question, because she already knew it. Just as suspected, he only had to wait a little while before she sighed and nodded.

"_I'll tell the doctor to increase the dose. But you don't take anymore than I tell you is alright, you hear me?"_

A strange kind of maternal love, indeed. Or maybe it was just guilt, because she for some reason wouldn't do what any normal mother would have done; take him and his sister and leave their father. Let the kid cope with drugs instead.

_Everything,_ Marluxia thought, _is completely fucked up._

This new school was the worst of all, or maybe it just seemed so because it was the most recent pain in the butt. Marluxia was thirteen now, and had grown out of his old one. Not that he particularly liked that one, but there had been a balance. People left him alone, and he had a best friend. Here he was just back to square one.

He felt as if he might just as well stamp a 'kick me'-sign on his back. People were already giving him strange looks, and he could easily imagine what was going through their heads. At first glance he probably looked like a girl, on second glance a _cute_ girl and then when they looked closer, not a girl at all. _A freak._ He bet some of them already wanted to beat him up.

He wondered if he would be able to fight back. The older boys looked almost like grown ups, tall and broad-shouldered with hints of muscle on their arms.

Would Marluxia look like them in a couple of years? He suspected he wouldn't. Maybe he'd be tall; he already kind of was, but his hair would still be pink and his face would still be too pretty.

On top of everything, his mother hadn't let him wear his normal clothes to school. He could at least make an attempt of looking respectable, she had told him and dragged him off to shop for something "proper". Marluxia normally didn't care much what he or other people wore, but "proper" was not a word he identified with in any way, and he felt ridiculous wearing his new shirt and jeans that hadn't quite lost their stiffness yet. He had tried to rough them up a little with a pair of scissors on the bus to make them look a bit more like the ones he favoured (something he would probably be in trouble for when he got home), but the result was depressing. He looked like "a girly hippie faggot", as his sister so eloquently had put it. _"A girly hippie faggot forced to wear a shirt."_

That was another factor he didn't like about the new school. He would have to share it with his sister. Not that he thought he would see much of her; she had refused to sit anywhere near him on the bus, and walked away from him as fast as she could after having told him her opinion on his appearance.

Marluxia sighed, more for the sake of it than out of any real emotion.

It would be two years before Axel joined him at the new school, two long years when he could only see Axel a few days a week, after school hours. It sucked, and his hopes of making new friends weren't high.

Not friends that mattered, anyway.

There was this group of kids that he had become vaguely acquainted to, kids his own age or older that hanged around without anything to do, and engaged in similar bad habits as those Marluxia had picked up. He had a feeling they thought he was weird, even though they were all kind of screwed up themselves. At least they didn't seem to care.

And at least one of them would be in his class, a kind of lone wolf type like himself, named Zexion. Beyond that, they weren't much alike, but at least he was the one among his friends Marluxia supposed he liked best (barring Axel, of course). He wasn't loud or stupid, and he liked books and computers and weird, monotone music.

Speaking, or rather _thinking,_ of the devil, there was Zexion right now, striking a gothic pose all in black just outside the school yard.

Marluxia suddenly remembered some sort of agreement of meeting up and finding their new classroom within the maze of a building together. He didn't know how he had forgotten about it. Good thing Zexion had arrived first.

Seeing Marluxia approach, Zexion wiped his long bangs out of his face and gave him a smile that seemed a little bit relieved. No one liked the first day at a new school, Marluxia guessed.

"Hey, Marly. Looking sharp!"

"Like a girly hippie faggot, I've been told. Hey."

Zexion chuckled slightly, confirming the truth of that assessment, and Marluxia stopped in front of him giving a slight shrug. Zexion was doing a pretty fine job of looking faggy himself.

"Mom wants me to look proper. Whatever. Want to go inside?"

Zexion didn't want to go inside, he wanted to have a cigarette first. It was probably some kind of statement he wanted to make, shoving his rebellious nature by smoking right there outside the school yard where everyone could see. Zexion had this thing for silent statements (unfortunately no one ever got it). Kind of ridiculous, but he shared so Marluxia lit one up too, and what do you know, some girls passing by actually looked at them like they thought it was cool.

It wasn't, of course. Zexion was quite far from cool and rebellious; a nerdy, bookwormy sort of guy, and Marluxia… well, no further explanation needed. He pulled absently at his shirt, undoing the top button.

Upon closer inspection, those girls seemed to be looking more at Zexion than at him.

Oh, well. He didn't even want to _think_ about what his father would say about him having a girlfriend, anyway.

After a while some more people they knew showed up with their cigarettes and lighters, and Marluxia zoned out of the conversation. He was feeling groggy and absent-minded, which probably wasn't a good way of starting a new year of school, but what the hell. At least he was calm.

Maybe even alright.

He might not like his older friends as much as he liked Axel, but he guessed they were okay. At least he could do things with them he felt Axel was still a little too young for. Even though he had taught Axel to drink, smoke, sniff glue and shoplift, it didn't feel right when he passed out or puked, or when the shop clerks eyed him suspiciously. Two years younger than Marluxia, he was still just eleven years old and Marluxia felt responsible for him, like he really was his little brother.

Axel resented that of course, because he was aaall grown up and what the hell Marly, you did all those things when _you_ were eleven!

He chuckled.

It took a couple of moments before he realized everyone was staring at him.

"Dude," Zexion said eventually, "it's not funny."

"What?"

The silence stretched out a while longer, then Zexion snorted.

"Jeez, you spacing out again?" He waved a hand in front of Marluxia's eyes. "You're not high, are you?"

Marluxia frowned.

"Fuck you, I'm just mellow."

Whatever it was that wasn't funny, Marluxia never got to know, because his answer made everyone laugh (couldn't have been too bad, then), and shortly thereafter the bell rang, effectively scattering them in search of their respective classrooms.

X

School was a drag, but all in all not as bad as Marluxia had feared.

His grades kept dropping, but his friends kind of grew on him, and he hanged out with them more and more. He smoked with them at breaks and roamed around downtown with them at night and after a couple of months he didn't even have to pretend to listen to what they said and that he cared about their music. It was real.

And most important of all, something happened, and that something was called Larxene.

She got transferred to his school somewhere at the start of his second semester due to some scandal at her old school. She never told anyone what happened, but after knowing her for some time Marluxia thought he could make a pretty educated guess.

The thing about Larxene was that she made an impression. She was tall for a girl and wore her blond hair slicked back flat against her skull, except for two strands that she would style to stick up in a strange, antennae-like fashion. She always wore black, and even though she had a kind of tomboyish look, there was something about her that just screamed 'slut'.

In some ways she reminded him of Axel, with the same sort of presence and like-me-or-fuck-off attitude, but in other ways she was completely different. She knew how to take people for one. She was a complete bitch when she didn't like someone, but surprisingly nice and decent when she did. As a result, her friends loved her and her enemies hated her, and soon she was the new leader of Marluxia's motley little group.

Maybe he was in love with her for a while, he wasn't sure. He didn't know how to connect with his feelings, and the pills didn't make it any easier. If the mists of indifference had been thick before, they were nearly impenetrable now, but somehow Larxene managed to make herself visible through them. Marluxia guessed they were friends of a sort, even though the only reason she ever gave for confiding in him was, _"you don't run your fucking mouth like everyone else"_.

Marluxia shrugged and didn't tell her that it was because he didn't care about anything. Much better if she thought it was because he was trustworthy, or some shit. He wanted Larxene to like him.

Most people she didn't like. Other girls talked about her behind her back, which she couldn't stand (probably because there was so much to say). She got along much better with guys, but somehow her close friendships always ended up as something sexual that quickly turned into hurt feelings and mutual dislike. Marluxia wished _he_ would eventually end up as something sexual, but to his great disappointment it never happened. He was probably closer to her than anyone else so there _should_ be potential for something, but ironically the closeness only seemed to keep him in the friend zone.

Larxene thought he was gay and that was why she trusted him in the first place.

If he had suspected it before, it became apparent the day she asked him if he'd like to come with her to a party dressed up as a girl. There would only be older kids there and they wouldn't want underage boys running around, she explained. Girls were fine though, they could just lie about their age and no one would ask any questions. She'd like to have someone with her that 'wasn't only interested in one thing', and he'd get to flirt with boys and he would be treated to drinks, wouldn't that be great?

Marluxia was offended and told her he wasn't interested in flirting with boys, but Larxene just winked. _Yeah, right._

Somehow he ended up going to that party, because Larxene had great powers of persuasion, or maybe it was just plain, old nagging. Maybe he just wanted to be with her. Whatever. They actually had fun warming up with a couple of beers while getting him prepared. Larxene poked his eye with the mascara brush and gave him her sluttiest panties to wear. They shaved his legs and built breasts out of waterfilled condoms, and somewhere around there, when Larxene was squeezing his fake rubber boob, he realized that he was laughing because he was happy, not because he was supposed to.

Okay, so maybe he was in love. At that moment he thought so, at least.

When he finally stood before the mirror he was prettier than his sister, and Larxene pouted and said she wished she had legs like his. Marluxia had very mixed feelings about his appearance.

At least he wouldn't have to worry about anyone noticing that he wasn't really a girl.

"You need a name," Larxene said, smirking. "How about 'Marlene'? It rhymes with Larxene!"

Marluxia thought it sounded stupid, but smiled and went along with it anyway, because it was Larxene's idea.

X

The party ended up nothing like he had expected. He had thought that he'd stay out of the spotlight and just tag along with Larxene, but she soon took off on her own adventures and he was left alone. In less than two hours he had seen her make out with at least three different guys, and his heart died a little. Then he found out that Larxene didn't mind carrying out sexual favours if she was paid for it, and his heart died a little more. Maybe he didn't like her after all.

But the guys at the party sure liked him. Usually when he kept a low profile it resulted in no one paying him any attention, but apparently different rules applied to girls (at least the pretty ones). The guys were practically swarming around him. At first it scared him, how they would stand close and touch his arm or his hair and try to make him laugh. All he could think was that if they found out that it wasn't a real girl they were flirting with, they would kill him for sure. All it took was that someone got the idea to feel out his "boobs" or touch him between his legs. It didn't seem at all unlikely that something like that could happen; some guys were very forward.

It never did though, and after a while, when he was starting to get drunk from all the beer that was continuously pushed into his hands, he relaxed and almost started to enjoy it. Or maybe not enjoy, but it amused him, at the same time as it disgusted him. All these guys giving him appreciating smiles and compliments and more positive attention than he had ever gotten in his life, just because they hoped he would prove to be as much of a slut as Larxene. He could suddenly understand where all those jokes about men thinking with their dick came from.

And maybe even why Larxene needed someone who was different.

But pathetic as the fake courtship rituals may have been, they still felt more honest than his father telling him he was beautiful and that he loved him while forcing himself on him. At least these guys listened and respected him when he said no, even those that were most aggressive in their pick up attempts. There seemed to be a subtle set of rules, and as long as you played by them, you were safe. Flirt without leading on; distance yourself without outright rejection. It was like a game and he discovered (with some surprise) that he was good at it.

Nothing happened that night, except that he did get drunk and he did get to flirt with a lot of boys just as Larxene had predicted. It wasn't until they walked home, and Larxene showed him the money she had made while disappearing with some guy for a few hours, that he started thinking that maybe he could do it too. Obviously he couldn't go all the way without blowing his cover as a girl, but no one knew what sex his mouth had, right?

If guys thought he was so desirable when he put on a skirt, why not use it? If he could suck his father's cock, why not some other guy's? It wouldn't even be half as weird and he'd get paid for it. He wouldn't have to do any more than what was agreed, and if he changed his mind, he could just walk away without charging. Simple.

In his mind the plan made perfect sense, opening paths he had never thought of before. He'd make money, freeing him of having to do chores around the house for his allowance, and perhaps he could get the older guys to buy cigarettes and alcohol for him. Best of all, no one would know who he was, since he was in disguise.

It would all be Marlene.

Larxene immediately loved his idea, and found it immensely amusing that 'those fucking perverts' would be tricked into paying for blowjobs from another guy.

And sure enough, after a few weeks rumours had started spreading about this mysterious, but hot friend of Larxene's. No one knew what school she went to, or who she was, but who cared about that anyway? If you paid her and agreed not to touch her, she didn't mind giving a guy a blowjob.

Maybe some people would have regarded the first time he followed a guy to the toilet as stooping to a new low, but to Marluxia it was the first time he actually engaged in something sexual on his own terms. He didn't feel dirty when counting the money afterwards, as Larxene had told him she did after her first time.

He felt liberated.

X

The first time he ever felt bad about it also happened to be the first time he brought Axel along with him to a party.

By now he had discovered that you didn't have to be a girl for certain guys to want to pay for some time alone with you, and since then he had stopped being Marlene. It was much less risky, and he had always hated being taken for a girl anyway.

He had told Axel to just hang around and wait for him while he got them some beer, conveniently leaving out the details about just how he planned to do that. Axel had nodded, looking slightly overwhelmed and maybe even scared by the masses of people and the loud music, but Marluxia had brushed it off. It wasn't like he was going to leave him for long, and Axel could manage on his own. He was a tough kid.

Marluxia just had to be done with it quickly.

Or so he thought.

It wasn't supposed to be more than a blowjob, but the guy just wouldn't come even though Marluxia sucked him until his jaws ached. Eventually he agreed to let the guy flip him onto his belly and just fuck him instead. But did he make it a quickie?

No.

That was why almost two hours had passed before Marluxia made it back to the party from the parking lot, slightly bandy-legged and with a box of beer and a wad of cash (for the 'extra') in his pocket. Axel was nowhere to be seen.

Marluxia looked for him with increasing annoyance. He just wanted to sit down somewhere and get drunk _now_, damn it! Was it so much to ask that Axel at least waited for him, when Marluxia had gone through the trouble of getting him invited and promised to get him beer? Ungrateful little shit-he… Wait, there he was.

Marluxia pressed towards him through the crowd and bumped his back with the beer case.

"There you are!"

Axel turned with a small start, and Marluxia smiled at him, jumping the case of beer in his hands. "I just saved the day! Sorry it took so long."

Then he frowned, as the look on Axel's face finally got through to him; disoriented, _scared_. And was that tears in his eyes?

"Are you _crying?_"

Axel shook his head, even though it was obvious that he was.

"I got some beer too," he said, holding forth a bag that Marluxia hadn't noticed until now. _What the hell?_

"Where did you get that?" he asked, suddenly on edge. Something about Axel's body language was off, and Marluxia hoped he hadn't stolen that beer from someone. That could get them in a lot of trouble; people tended to be kind of touchy about their booze, and half the party probably wondered what little punks like them were doing there anyway.

"Uh… I traded it." Axel's voice was so quiet that it was hard to hear him over the music, and Marluxia was starting to feel strangely cold inside. Axel was lying to him.

"You… _traded_ it?" he asked suspiciously.

"Yes."

He tried to look Axel in the eye, but his gaze kept flickering away.

"For what?!" he exploded. "You don't have any money!" If he hadn't been holding the beer case he would have grabbed Axel's shoulders and shook him. "Did you steal it, you fucking moron?! If anyone finds out, I'll get the blame for that, just so you know! Couldn't you wait five minutes for me to get back?!!"

Axel backed away a step, green eyes blazing.

"I didn't steal anything! And I _was_ waiting for you, but you were gone a LOT longer than five minutes!! What the hell were you doing?! I don't know anyone here, and I had no idea when you'd be back!" Large tears shimmered in the corners of his eyes. "_I_ should be mad at _YOU!_"

Axel was really loud when he was shouting, and Marluxia noticed people were starting to point and frown at them.

He made an effort to calm down, trying to soften his expression and relax his shoulders. "Okay, okay, I believe you; I'm not mad… Sorry! Let's go outside for a while."

Axel nodded; his anger fading away as he hooked his arm with Marluxia's, staring into the floor. Marluxia knew him well enough to suspect there had been no anger in the first place, at least not directed at him. It was just Axel's default way of reacting to anything that made him feel uncomfortable.

This was a little more than just 'uncomfortable', though, and it worried him. Axel was proud, always wanting to seem older than his twelve years, and for him to hang on to his arm almost in tears in a room full of people, something had to be seriously wrong. He wouldn't freak out like this just because Marluxia had left him alone for a while.

They snuck out and by some couples making out against the wall and slunk in behind a large garbage dumpster further down the alley. It seemed like someone had made temporary use of it as a toilet, judging by the wet spot on its side and the puddle below. _Nice._

Axel didn't seem to notice, falling to his knees as soon as they were out of sight, breaking into desperate, shuddering sobs that shook his thin frame. Marluxia had never seen Axel cry before, and all he could do as watch him in confusion. It took a while before he finally got a grip of himself and crouched down beside him to pat his shoulder.

"Hey, what's..? What happened??"

The story spilled out of Axel's mouth in confused fragments, worse than anything Marluxia could have imagined. He _had_ traded something for his beer.

_Some guy had talked to him. He had glasses and he wondered how old Axel was and what he was doing there. He had asked why he wasn't drinking. Did he want a drink? Sure. Axel had taken the can and drunk it as fast as he could, like a real man. The guy had laughed, giving him another one. Seriously, what was he doing there? Was he there all alone? No, Axel was there with Marluxia to party and he was fourteen years old. He had lied about his age, but that was what he was supposed to do, right? The guy said he knew Marluxia. He said he thought he saw Axel with him earlier. Marluxia was a nice boy; they had done business before. By business, Axel assumed he meant buying beer, so he had followed him to the basement to get some more. It was cold, and they had walked a long corridor, and eventually Axel had asked the guy why he kept his beer down there. The guy had stared, like he had said something stupid. Did Axel think he was just going to give him beer? No, no, of course not. He didn't want to seem clueless. But that was what he had thought. Because the guy hadn't said anything about payment. Or maybe he had, Axel had been downing the second beer as fast as the first one and it was hard to remember exactly what they had been talking about. And he still didn't understand why the beer was hidden in the basement. Maybe to keep them chilled. They went inside a room. It was cramped and smelled like mushrooms and the guy told Axel to take off his pants. Underwear too. That was when he understood that it wasn't about the beer. Still, he had…_

Somewhere around there, Axel started crying to much to be able to form any kind of coherent sentences, but he didn't need to say anymore. Marluxia held him tight, feeling cold with rage. He could guess who that guy was, a miserable loser going by the name of Dennis. He was almost _thrice_ Axel's age.

And they _had_ done business before.

"Why would anyone want to do that when it hurts so much?" Axel whispered against his shoulder. "In the magazines it looks like it would be nice… Or do you have to be a girl for it to be nice?"

Marluxia could only shake his head. _Why_ hadn't Axel just left when he understood what he was expected to do? He hadn't been forced to anything by the sounds of it. Dennis probably thought that because they were friends, Axel didn't mind earning some extra cash Marluxia's way. And Axel had just played along with it.

It was so fucking wrong that he just wanted to smash something.

How, how, _how _did this happen in just little over an hour?

It didn't matter what people did to _him_, because he was weird and looked like a girl and had pink hair and even his own father wanted to fuck him, and besides he didn't care anyway. But Axel was a real person with feelings behind his green eyes. Maybe he was the only real person Marluxia knew. He shouldn't let guys fuck him in mouldy basements and pay him in beer.

And guys shouldn't want to fuck him anyway! Besides from only being twelve years old, Axel was too skinny and he had dirt under his nails and never washed his hair. His face was long and narrow and his nose was too big. He had pretty eyes, but that was about the only thing he had going for him. He was just an ugly, bony, _normal_ boy, while Marluxia… He had been told numerous times how beautiful he was, and even though he hated it, he could see it himself whenever he looked into the mirror.

His legs were slim but curved like a girl's. His face lacked definition, making it look soft and feminine. He was sway-backed. His hair was naturally wavy and would have fallen over his shoulders in perfect ringlets if it wasn't for his choppy haircut. His hands and feet were small and delicate for a boy.

He had been so sure that was _why…_

He opened a beer, suddenly feeling the need to occupy his hands with something. It was _wrong_. And it was his fault.

"I really didn't think anyone would try anything with you," he tried to explain himself. He should never have left Axel alone. He should never have brought him here. He _knew _the people who partied here weren't exactly known for being nice. "The fucking _pigs_. I thought they only wanted to do it to me because…" He paused frustrated, the words not wanting to come out. "…you know."

He glanced into Axel's eyes, but saw only confusion there.

He shrugged and swallowed, bracing himself. "They say I'm pretty like a girl."

Axel's expression slowly changed as the words sunk in. Eyes narrowing with understanding, mouth opening with surprise, and Marluxia waited for his reaction. _That's right, Axel. I do this all the time._

Would he think it was wrong? Disgusting? Would he rightly assume that what just happened to him was in a way Marluxia's fault? Get mad for real and find someone else to hang out with?

Nausea pricked the insides of Marluxia's stomach.

It felt wrong and disgusting when he thought about it now. While Axel had been fucked in the basement and bit his hand to not cry, Marluxia had been in the back of another guy's car with his cock shoved down his throat. It was just… not supposed to be like that. It was something you were supposed to stay away from. He could understand if Axel would want to stay away. If you had the choice, why wouldn't you?

He couldn't look away from Axel's eyes, puffy and lined with red, and he was sure that this was it. That he was losing his first and only real friend.

"I think you're much prettier than any girl," Axel told him.

Marluxia had no idea how to read that comment, and he had to blink several times before he realized that the look in Axel's eyes wasn't angry at all, it was… Whatever it was, it was more emotion than Marluxia could handle, and he let out a chuckle of embarrassed surprise.

"What, are you a homo or something?" he teased, wanting to break the awkward spell.

Axel looked scared before his eyes dropped to the ground, and suddenly something within Marluxia clicked into place; a realization.

_Oh. OH._

"That's okay, though I'm not," he quickly assured him, laying a hand on his shoulder to show that it truly didn't matter. It was kind of a surprise though, and a little bit worrying, because _did this mean..?_ He smiled at him. "We'll have to update our porn stash!"

Axel didn't answer, and new tears were rolling down his cheeks. Maybe now wasn't the time for jokes, no matter how well-meaning. Marluxia and put his arms around him and let him lean his head on his shoulder and cry it out.

He didn't say anything, because he didn't know what the right words were. Maybe he should have known, since he had also been crying in the beginning, but he couldn't recall what it had felt like anymore. When he still cared. It was probably better to be quiet than to say something stupid.

He waited until Axel had stopped shaking, then leaned away to look at him, hesitating. He had an idea, but wasn't sure if it was a good one. Maybe it would make Axel feel better, though… and if it would, that was all that mattered.

"Do you want to kiss, or something?"

For a moment Axel just looked at him strangely and wiped his nose and eyes. Then he nodded.

Marluxia nodded back, offering him a small smile. "Okay."

Maybe it would have felt better if Axel had said no, but he pushed it away. A kiss was a small thing to give away, and nothing to be complaining about after what Axel had just been through.

He had kissed some times before, but he couldn't really say he had got the hang of it yet. The guys he slept with usually weren't focused on kissing, which was just fine with him, but at the moment some experience could have been handy. Axel obviously had no idea what he was doing, and it took a couple of tries before they got it right. Surprisingly it wasn't so bad.

Marluxia had an idea of kissing as something slimy and vaguely disgusting (except if it was with a girl, but that was something he sadly hadn't experienced yet), but Axel only tasted of beer and he kept his tongue to himself. It was just soft lips and warm puffs of breath, and it was actually kind of nice.

He wondered if Axel liked it. If he liked him. What would happen if he did? The thought of being Axel's boyfriend felt wrong, even if he wasn't sure why. They were always together anyway, and now they were kissing. Maybe Marluxia wouldn't even mind kissing him again. What else would they do? Hold hands? It wasn't likely that Axel would want to try anything more advanced any time soon.

He guessed it wouldn't be that awful, but…

He had liked having a friend. Sure, he had never understood what Axel liked about him, but he had kind of hoped that _he_ knew. If it was just that Axel thought he was pretty, and liked him like _that,_ then… it just didn't seem worth very much.

They broke apart and he giggled nervously. Maybe the tingling in his stomach wasn't all bad, but it was too tangled with nervousness to know for sure. Axel was smiling slightly, which was good.

"Did you like it?" he asked him.

Axel nodded, smile turning into a proud grin.

"I'm going to tell mom I got my first kiss!" Then he hesitated, smile dying. "But not the other thing…"

Marluxia nodded, feeling queasy. Something told him Axel's mother would be terribly angry, kind of like that day when he had followed Axel home after one of the kids at school had broken his nose. She had called that boy's parents and Marluxia didn't think he had ever witnessed such an impressive fit of drunken rage before. What would she do if she found out someone had_ fucked_ her precious son?

More importantly, what would she do if she found out it was _his_ fault? That he was just a pretty little slut that everyone fucked and that he was really the worst person in the world to take care of Axel?

It wouldn't be very nice, that was for sure.

He hadn't really reflected or cared what others might think of his actions before, but when he thought about what Axel's mother might think, it suddenly felt _bad._ She thought he was a nice boy that helped with chores and kept Axel out of trouble, and he liked that, even though he really wasn't.

"Are you going to tell her you got it from me?" he asked to change the subject.

Axel looked up. "Of course!" Then he frowned. "It's alright if friends kiss each other, right?"

Marluxia shrugged. Somehow he didn't think that the two of them kissing would be something that Axel's mother would disapprove of. Some people had problems with boys kissing boys, but he couldn't see her being one of them.

And he liked the way Axel had said 'friends', like the thought of boyfriends hadn't even crossed his mind. He smiled at him.

"I think it's a little unusual, but why not?"

"I thought so," Axel said, nodding and wiping at his eyes again. "Can I have a cigarette?"

They ended up talking a lot that night, and it might have been a horrible thing to think, but maybe something good had come out of this disaster. Axel _was_ two years younger, and the age difference made it hard to feel like equals, but tonight a boundary had been crossed.

They shared something now; an impurity.

For the first time ever, Marluxia told someone about his father.

X

* * *

_And that's the first part of Marluxia's adventures... More to come soon! Thank you thank you thank you people who put up with the wait!  
_

_Now I'm dying to know what you think of Marluxia! (And little Axel, of course! :-))_


	13. What's left in ruins, part 2

**What's left in ruins, part 2**

X

Marluxia was fifteen years old when he had finally had enough.

Why now, he wasn't sure. His father didn't bother him very often anymore. Marluxia thought that it was because he was getting too old for his tastes, or maybe because he didn't look so girly anymore. Puberty had finally hit him, and he had hair between his legs and on his face (even though it admittedly wasn't much), his voice had deepened, and even his feet had grown.

He felt better about looking in the mirror every day.

Maybe that was it. He was becoming a man now, and why he should stay in this house and deal with his family's shit, was becoming increasingly difficult to understand. He made enough money to get by on his own as long as he could find some cheap place to live, but he didn't think that would be very much of a problem. There were plenty of abandoned houses in town, and his plan was to find a suitable one and just move in there. No one would have to know about it and he wouldn't have to pay rent. Simple.

Maybe he should have staked one out _before_ running away from home, but he had made up his mind and didn't want to wait any longer. Everything was already packed into the backpack resting on his bed. The few items of clothing he actually liked (but plenty of underwear), condoms, some stuff he had gotten from Axel on his birthdays, his mother's entire stash of prescription drugs (because he was long past the point where he could just quit them) and her cigarettes and lastly his father's old gun. There were some more things, like hygiene stuff and a sleeping bag, but on the whole he didn't really have that many things that mattered to him. It was best to travel light anyway, he figured.

What amused him the most was the panic he could imagine breaking out in the house in the morning when they discovered he had taken the toothpaste with him. It would be a normal workday, and his mother and father would have to go to work and his sister to school, all with disgusting morning breath. He suspected this would be especially hard on his sister.

His mother would probably not be very pleased with finding out her pills were missing either.

He looked at the backpack and breathed in deeply. _It was really going to happen._ His whole body felt alive with excitement and anticipation, and he couldn't even remember when he last felt this good. He was going to take his life into his own hands and finally be _free_.

He was going to quit school as well. His grades had never been anything to brag about, and lately they had been even lousier, as he had skipped most of this year in favour of smoking pot with Larxene and his other equally no good friends. He liked pot. If he had a house, maybe he could grow his own. He had printed out a few articles from the internet on how to do it on his school's computer yesterday, and they were now also safely residing in his backpack. This was going to be awesome.

He realized he was probably going to be homeless for a while, but he could always crash with Axel and his mother, or maybe Larxene. This first night though, he would sleep under the stars. You didn't actually see much of the stars in the city, but it was the concept of it that was important.

He slung the backpack over his shoulder, picked up his sleeping bag, and then he quietly snuck out. He had thought about leaving a goodbye letter, but when he thought about it, he had nothing to say. If his family didn't understand why he left, they were even worse idiots than he thought, and didn't deserve any explanations.

There was a full moon shining down at him through the smog, and he smiled up at it, feeling the chilly night air on his face. He breathed deeply to feel it crisp in his lungs, and then he lit his first cigarette in freedom, right there on the path up to his parent's house. He put the butt of it in the mailbox when he was finished, and then he started to walk.

For years to come, he would claim that to be the best cigarette he had ever smoked.

X

Finding a place to stay proved harder than he initially thought. All the abandoned houses he found were either so rundown that they were impossible to live in, with the windows broken and the floors covered in rat and pigeon shit, or people already lived there. He was not the only one who couldn't afford to pay rent, it seemed.

He spent some nights on the couch at Axel's place, but he didn't dare do it too often in case his parents had reported him missing to the police, or were searching for him themselves. Axel or his mother would never rat him out, he was sure of that, but what would happen if someone came looking for him while he was there? Maybe it was illegal to be housing a missing person, and then Axel's mother would be in trouble because of him. Maybe she'd go to jail and Axel end up in foster care. He couldn't risk that.

He slept in his and Axel's cellar sometimes and in stairwells at other times, and sometimes the guys that paid him for sex let him stay the night, but he never felt safe and it was wearing him out. He was always hungry and dirty and tired, and the weather this time of year had no mercy for the homeless. He needed to find a place, soon.

X

From the very first time he saw the abandoned warehouse, he knew it would be perfect. It was an old brick building, and even though it was still whole, it somehow reminded him of the skeleton of a house from the deconstruction site he had played at as a child.

It was located in an area where no one lived and the other houses around it were either abandoned or used for storage or small, shady businesses. All this was very good, because it meant there wouldn't be much people running around there; not people who were likely to report him to the police anyway.

Getting in to the house would be a difficult nut to crack, though. He couldn't see any signs of alarms, but the windows were either barred or boarded shut and so were the doors. All entrances he found were sealed with metal crossbeams locked in place with thick chains, and on top of that the locks seemed sturdy. But it was too good to just give up on.

A few nights later he was back with Axel to help him. They had stolen a bunch of tools from the hardware store; crowbars and metal saws, a large bolt cutter and various other items that they had stuffed into a large, black bag.

"This is the place?" Axel sceptically wondered, clearly not seeing the beauty of it. "It's kind of creepy."

Maybe it was. It loomed over them in the darkness like a sleeping giant, façade casting of a dull, orange glow from the streetlights. But looks were only skin deep, and Marluxia somehow knew that the giant would prove to be a friendly one, no matter what obscenities the graffiti was screaming at them from the walls.

"So what?" he snorted in reply. "It's not like it's _haunted._ I think it's awesome; it must have been locked up for years. Who knows what kind of cool stuff's inside?" He smiled at Axel carefully. This next part was important; something he had been thinking about. He cleared his throat. "…And it's big, so it means you can have your own room."

Axel turned to him, wide-eyed.

"Are you serious?"

Marluxia shrugged, giving a small nod of his head, and Axel stared at him a moment before his face split up in a large grin.

"_Awesome!"_

He turned to the house again, looking at it again with the smile still on his face and a new kind of glint in his eyes.

"You know," he said, "…maybe it isn't so creepy after all."

"Maybe not," Marluxia agreed, not really wanting to let Axel know how his heart was soaring. Living completely alone was actually a little bit scary, but if Axel would be staying over now and then, it would be fine. Maybe when he was a little older he could move in there too, provided no one would have found out about Marluxia's illegal occupation and driven him away, of course. "Let's go around back. There's a fire escape there; if you help me reach it, I think we can get in from there."

Axel nodded.

There was a spiked iron fence preventing access to the back yard, but they climbed it easily, dropping down in the shadows behind with a gravelly crunch. Marluxia picked up the bag of tools they'd thrown over first and picked out the flashlight from it. Flicking the switch experimentally, he was relived to see it still worked.

"Okay," he breathed, "Follow me."

He turned the flashlight off and started making his way to the backside, following the wall with one hand until he reached the end of it. It was dark out of the streetlights, so dark that he couldn't see anything; but he didn't want to draw attention to them with lights in case anyone would be passing by.

He waited until he heard Axel's footfalls catch up to him, and then they slipped around the corner and out of sight. Marluxia shone the flashlight over the walls to show Axel what the backside looked like. There was much less graffiti, which meant not many people bothered climbing the fence to come here. On the ground old beer and spray cans and nearly decomposed cigarette butts lay scattered, and against the wall stood some rusted garbage dumpsters and a stack of rotting wooden pallets.

"Sure looks abandoned," Axel commented.

"Yeah." Marluxia turned the light to another section of the wall. "There's the fire escape."

"Whoa! We're going to climb _that?_"

Again there was scepticism in Axel's voice, and Marluxia couldn't blame him. It was a simple, metal ladder running straight up the wall, and it could be described as rickety at best. It was rusted, and so, one was led to suspect, were the bolts fastening it to the wall. The rungs were just thin rods spaced far apart, so there wouldn't be much foothold. There was a sort of safety structure around it, though; half-circular brackets forming a kind of tube that would prevent you from falling backwards, and hopefully the ladder was still stable enough to take the weight of a couple of kids.

"Yes, we are," Marluxia answered.

"You're crazy. What if we fall?"

Marluxia rolled his eyes. "I'll go first." He shone the flashlight higher. "Do you see that door up there?"

There was a sort of rickety balcony in front of it. It wasn't actually part of the fire escape, but it was clearly put there as a means to reach it. There was also what looked like a winch mechanism on the ladder, so supposedly you could stand on the balcony and wind the ladder up and down. That could be very useful for getting in and out without having to break open the doors at ground level.

"I bet there's a window in the door behind those boards. I just need to get rid of them so I can smash the glass and open it from inside. You stay down here and shine the flashlight for me. Then I'll try to lower the ladder and you can come up too."

"That might work," Axel admitted.

"Yeah. Come on, I need a hand."

They rigged the flashlight up between a couple of rocks on the ground, pointing the light towards the ladder, then Axel locked his hands together so Marluxia could step on them and reach for the ladder as Axel shoved upwards. The metal creaked ominously with Marluxia's added weight, but he held tight and pulled himself up, pushing with his feet against the wall. So far so good.

He looked down at Axel and grinned.

"I'm up. Shine the light for me!"

"Be careful."

Marluxia just snorted, which he was soon made to regret. First he nearly lost his balance when he tried to pry loose the boards over the window and they unexpectedly gave way with a loud crack. Then he cut himself on the broken glass after he had smashed the window. And the ladder made a horrible, grinding sound when he wound it down, so loud that Marluxia was sure the whole neighbourhood would come running any second.

But nothing happened, and soon Axel came scurrying up the ladder with the flashlight clamped between his teeth like a squirrel, and climbed over to the balcony with ease. It made some groaning noises of protest, but seemed to be stable enough to hold the weight of two boys and a bag of tools. Marluxia took the flashlight from Axel's hand and shone it through the now open balcony door.

"Let's explore!"

His stomach was tingling, both with anticipation and nervous fear. The house had to be good, it just _had_ to. He didn't know what he'd do if living here wouldn't work out. He sort of had a backup plan, but he hoped he wouldn't have to resort to it. It involved having to pay rent with his body, and if he had to do that he might as well never have left home.

He wanted – no, _needed_ – a place that was _his,_ where _he_ set the rules.

He entered the dark hallway behind the door, Axel trailing just a step behind him, making comments on their new surroundings in loud whispers as the flashlight swept over the walls.

"_Whoa, look at the size of that spider web!"_

"_Shit Marly, I stepped on something soft!"_

"_Man, this is gross…Is that a dead bat??!"_

Indeed it was. No matter how locked up the house had been, a fair amount of urban wildlife still seemed to have made its way in. There was rat shit everywhere, and unfortunately it seemed that most of the potentially useful stuff left in the building was gnawed into splinters and shreds. Several of the rooms on the lower floor were occupied by rusty, dust-covered machinery (printing presses, by the look of it) that was way too heavy to be moved, and were as a result largely useless.

However, there were also pleasant surprises. They found a small kitchen, and when Marluxia tried turning the water on, it worked. The pipes rattled and moaned, and the first water to come out was disgustingly brown, but it cleared after a while. Marluxia felt like his grin would nearly cleave his face in two, and he had to give Axel a tight hug out of sheer relief.

A little while later he did it again, when he discovered the sockets still had power.

"So you've decided on this place, then?" Axel asked, hugging him back a bit too eagerly.

Marluxia ignored it and nodded. "I don't think it gets much better than this! I was afraid I'd have to shit in a bucket."

Axel chuckled, breath warm in Marluxia's ear.

"Still seems a little creepy to me, but I guess it's better than the streets."

"I can take a bit of creepy," Marluxia answered, breaking free of his hold but keeping a smile on his face. Axel could be a bit clingy sometimes, and ever since they kissed at that damned party, there had been… _incidents._ Nothing more than kisses and wandering hands yet, but it could still get pretty steamy.

Marluxia didn't think Axel saw it as more than fooling around, but he was sure it was best to try to keep the number of such occurrences to a minimum. It wasn't always so easy, though. Axel was getting very good at kissing.

"Let's decide on our rooms now," he said with a wink. "I get first pick!"

They made it up to the top floor, which seemed to be the most liveable one. There were plenty of rooms up there; probably they had once been used as offices. Marluxia choose one in the corner of the building, with windows towards both the street and the fenced backyard. He would have to keep them covered, but it felt safe to at least have the possibility to see what was going on outside. Axel unsurprisingly made his choice based on size.

"Maybe some paint will fix it," he said, looking thoughtfully at the four stained and peeling walls he had claimed as his. "I could paint it all black! Or cover it in posters, that'd be pretty cool."

"You can do whatever you want," Marluxia replied, lighting a cigarette. "It's yours."

They had put the tool bag in the centre of the room and were both sitting on it. Marluxia figured they were pretty much done with tonight's exploring, but he didn't want to leave yet. He was filled with such a great feeling, the same feeling he'd had when he ran away from home. Freedom, and a sense of being on the right track.

Axel smiled at him and nodded towards the cigarette.

"Share?"

Marluxia smiled back, and they passed the cigarette between them in silence, watching the smoke drift through the room. Maybe Marluxia's life had started out all wrong, but now there seemed to be at least two rights. This house, and Axel.

The peace was shattered as a muted thud sounded from down below. Marluxia's mind barely registered it; the house had made all manner of freaky sounds while they were here, but Axel jumped with a sharp gasp and grasped for Marluxia's hand.

"Did you hear that noise, Marly?!!"

Maybe he really was creeped out. Marluxia forgot sometimes how much younger he was.

"Don't be such a wuss," he snorted. "It was just a rat tipping something over."

"Shut up," Axel muttered, squeezing his hand harder. "I hate rats."

Marluxia chuckled, but let him hold his hand.

"I'll lay out some rat poison."

Axel pouted.

"That's so cruel. Can't we just catch them and let them out somewhere? Like Larxene's place!"

Marluxia chuckled again. Axel and Larxene did not get along, for reasons neither of them were willing to specify, meaning they were most likely very petty. His guess was that Larxene just didn't like that Axel was immune to her womanly charms, and Axel… he was probably jealous of her. It was often hilarious to watch the sparks fly between them.

"Didn't you just say you hated rats?"

"Yeah, but… you know. Doesn't mean I want to see them suffer horrible deaths!"

"Mm, right," Marluxia agreed absently. He didn't want to discuss pest control, or think about the fact that a number of horrible deaths would be unavoidable if he was going to live here. Not that he minded rats that much – live and let live, he figured – but they did a lot of damage. And Larxene would _never_ set foot in a house full of rats.

He smiled and ran his thumb over Axel's knuckles. Slowly.

Axel stared at his eyes for a moment, then let his gaze fall to their still joined hands and Marluxia could almost hear his brain shifting gear.

It was usually this way it begun, this _thing_ between them. Axel would try to hold his hand, put his arm around him or start play with his hair, and Marluxia, knowing what he had in mind, would tell him to cut it out. But sometimes he didn't, and it seemed to finally have occurred to Axel that this was one of those times.

Axel looked up again with a shy grin on his lips and leaned closer.

Marluxia leaned a little closer as well, smiling back nervously. For some reason he never got used to this. It was just Axel and it didn't mean anything, but his heart always started to beat faster.

Maybe it was because it was so different from his other sexual contacts. Because it was personal and not just business. Him and his best friend, and something they did just because they wanted to.

Axel kissed him, and Marluxia shut his eyes and let him take control. He never did himself, because he didn't think he was capable of the kind of innocent touching these interactions required. There was nothing innocent left in him, and he'd just ruin everything by taking it too far. Not necessarily because he _wanted _things to go further, it was just what he was used to.

He parted his lips and Axel was quick to slide his tongue into his mouth, deepening the kiss until Marluxia's cheeks burned and he was dizzy from lack of air. He couldn't help wondering what it would feel like to be kissed like this while you were having sex. Some day he'd find out, he guessed.

He had already decided he'd do it with Axel once he was ready for it. He felt he owed it to him, because of that party when everything had gone wrong. It was barely a year ago, and he knew Axel was still shook up about it.

He hadn't told Axel about his plan, because he didn't want to be giving him ideas and he didn't want to rush anything. Besides, who knew what would happen in the future? Maybe Axel would get a nice boyfriend and the problem would solve itself.

Axel shifted closer, and his arms slipped around Marluxia's waist, pulling at him.

"I like it when you're in this mood," he whispered in his ear.

"Enjoy it while it lasts," Marluxia whispered back. Then he licked Axel's ear, and couldn't help giggling at the noise it drew from him.

Maybe he shouldn't have done that. Axel tended to take such things as challenges.

When they left the house, Axel's grin was huge and Marluxia was weak in the knees _and_ he was hard and it wouldn't quite go away. He also suspected he would have to wear high-collared shirts for a while, as his neck was most likely spotted like a leopard, if not one giant bruise altogether.

Yes, Axel was getting too damn good at this.

X

The following six years were stormy, but probably the best in Marluxia's life. He and Axel spent countless months cleaning, painting, reorganizing and hunting for furniture and equipment in dumpsters, but their efforts were paying off. Gradually their rooms were taking shape, as well as the kitchen, bathroom, general hangout space and what Marluxia liked to refer to as his _greenhouse._ Growing weed was a lot more than sticking seeds in a flower pot when you got into it, and Marluxia studied and trialled and erred, almost obsessed with his new hobby. He liked experimenting with crossbreeding different strains, and he hoped (although he realized the chances were very slim) one day he'd come up with a new breed that rivalled all the popular ones out there.

It wasn't just because he wanted fame and free marijuana; he genuinely enjoyed caring for his plants. Maybe it was some primitive urge dating back to early rural societies; he didn't know, but when he thought about it he had always liked parks and forests and gardens. After a while he had to expand his interest to orchids, mainly because he was getting so much marijuana he no longer knew what to do with it.

A while he had thought about selling, but he had soon changed his mind. Not only was it illegal, it could also be dangerous if the wrong people heard of it. _Very _dangerous when you were just one guy alone in a house full of weed. Even if people understood this and promised to keep quiet, you couldn't trust it. Everyone talked after a few drinks. Or smokes.

Another thing that often had him waking up sweaty at night, was the fact that _someone_ must be paying for the water and electricity he used, and eventually they had to notice something wasn't right. And even if they didn't, there was always the risk of someone telling on him, or just threatening to do so.

Marluxia knew a lot of people who wouldn't hesitate to blackmail him for money or sex.

He forbade Axel to tell anyone about the house, and slept with his father's gun tucked away behind his pillow and a backpack of emergency supplies next to the bed in case he would have to leave suddenly. Axel told him he was paranoid, and as time went by it looked more and more like he was right, because Marluxia never had to use either safety measure.

Gradually he started to relax and accept that this was really what his life looked like now. He caught himself being in a good mood for no reason, and more often than not, he felt _content._ This was something entirely new, because as long as he could remember he'd been on a sort of emotional flatline that very rarely showed any spikes. No ups, no downs; just endless nothing.

He was on the right track now, he was sure of it. And Axel was catching up.

X

"Mom is really pissed off about it."

Axel blew out a cloud of smoke and Marluxia watched it float towards the ceiling. They were lying next to each other, backs on Axel's 'bed' (a mattress they had salvaged from a garbage dumpster) with their legs stretched out on the floor, too lazy to come up with anything else to do.

"What did she say?" Marluxia asked after a moment, just to say something.

Axel turned his head, giving him a mischievous grin.

"Don't know. I had my earplugs in and she was too drunk to notice."

"Heh."

Axel had finally decided to drop out of school. It had come as something of a surprise, as he hadn't mentioned he was planning to, but still Marluxia had figured it was only a matter of time.

Axel hated authorities and being told what to do, so obviously school rubbed him the wrong way, and he still didn't get along with people. It was better than when he was little, because he had some friends now at least, but not enough to make school bearable. And of course he hadn't had enough sense to shut up about being gay, because quote: _"How am I supposed to get guys if no one knows I'm available?'_"

"It's two years now," Axel suddenly stated.

"Two years?"

"Yeah." Axel smiled, flicking the ashes off his cigarette over the side of the bed. "Since you ran away from home and dropped school. I figured I was old enough."

"What, you remember the date?" Marluxia chuckled slightly. Had he planned this all along?

"No, not the exact date… But it must have been somewhere around now, only two years ago."

Marluxia thought about it and concluded he was right. It was the right time of the year, and Axel was fifteen now, like he had been.

"So… This is like an anniversary?" he asked.

"Yep."

"We should celebrate."

Axel grinned again. "We're already doing it."

"We are?"

Axel nodded, putting the cigarette to his lips and inhaling deeply before answering. "This is my first cigarette in freedom."

Marluxia raised an eyebrow, remembering that cigarette he had smoked outside his parents' house on the night he left.

"Is it good?"

Axel smiled. "Yes."

"Are you going to share it?"

Axel chuckled, passing it over to him. "I think we should mail it to your parents when we're done."

Marluxia almost choked on his breath of smoke, and had to sit up, hacking out laughter between his coughs.

"Maybe they'd like to know I'm still alive," he said when he had calmed down. "I can't think of a better way to tell them."

Axel gave him one of his lopsided smiles. "Think they'll get it?"

"Oh, yes."

Both his parents were neat freaks, and there was no way they wouldn't have noticed the mail box had been used as an ash tray and connected it to his disappearance. If they were to receive a letter with a cigarette butt in it, they would certainly catch the drift. He almost wished he could be there to see it... They would probably be very mad at him. Maybe relieved too, to know that he was alive.

After two years he supposed he could give them that much. He still hated them, but it was becoming dull and distant and wasn't something he thought of much. They were no longer a part of his life, and it was pointless to dwell on the past. Not when the now was so good.

He inhaled a lungful of smoke, smiling up at the ceiling. He hadn't liked that Axel was in school all the time. His mother insisted that he could only stay over at the house on weekend nights to keep him from skipping, but that wouldn't matter anymore now. They could hang out all the time if they wanted. Sometimes when he was alone at home he liked to blast Axel's music from the stereo in his room, to pretend he was there. It was calming.

Maybe that was creepy?

"So did you really just quit, or did they throw you out? You know, because of..?" Marluxia pointed to a spot right under his cheek.

Axel had recently decided to tattoo his _face. _While he was drunk, and the guy who did it had been even more drunk. Luckily he still had a steady hand, and the tattoos weren't complicated; just one upside down triangular shape under each eye, or god knows what Axel's face would have looked like in the morning.

Axel grinned. "Nah, I really dropped out. But the teachers sure didn't like it."

"Fuckers," Marluxia sympathised. "But you kind of look like a clown."

"No way, I look hot!" Axel disagreed, suddenly jumping to his feet to study himself in front of the mirror. "I always wanted to have tattoos on my face. I look scary…" He scrutinized his reflection some more. "_Maybe_ I look a little bit like Pennywise, but that's cool."

"Pennywise doesn't look like that," Marluxia chuckled, putting out the cigarette and carefully storing the butt away on Axel's nightstand. "And who the hell would want to look like Pennywise anyway?? He almost made me crap my pants when I was little, and I didn't scare easily."

Axel just beamed at him.

"You know, maybe now people will actually look at _me_ once in a while and not just at you."

"That's just retarded. You could get the same effect from wearing a funny hat."

"Nope. This is definitely better than some stupid hat." He turned back to the mirror and winked at himself. "Don't care about Marly. _Obviously_ he thinks you're smoking hot and he totally wants you, or he wouldn't say anything."

Marluxia chuckled. "I think you're a freak."

"Well, fuck you very much!"

"That was a compliment."

"Then you're a freak too." Axel stuck his tongue out at him. "Come on, tell me I look hot! They're going to be there the rest of my life, you know…"

Marluxia smirked and shrugged.

"I guess you look no worse than before," he teased.

"You..!"

Axel tackled him and wrestling ensued. As usual it ended with Marluxia the victor and Axel pinned to the mattress beneath him.

"Give up," Marluxia laughed, "or I'll tickle yo-…" He trailed off as he suddenly noticed something was poking him. He groaned. "Oh, _please!_ Don't tell me this turns you on!?"

"Ehehe… Sorry about that." Axel grinned up at him shamelessly. He didn't look sorry.

He _never_ did, and Marluxia sometimes felt like he had created a monster.

On Axel's fifteenth birthday (another recent event) Marluxia had decided to fulfil his silent promise to him; that one day he'd sleep with him. He never explained why, he just took his clothes off and slipped into bed with him and let things unfold naturally. Maybe he had thought that Axel would just fuck him, and then it'd be over, but they had spent all night in Axel's bed doing everything they could think of until they were completely spent. It had been… _interesting,_ to say the least and there was no doubt that Axel had appreciated it after the initial nervousness. So much that he wanted more of it. _All the time._

"You're hopeless." Marluxia rolled off him. That one time was all there was ever going to be. "I want to celebrate properly. Let's get high!"

"Alright." Axel smiled. "Maybe you should mail your parents a couple of joints instead."

"Maybe I should mail them _anthrax._"

Axel laughed. "I approve!" Then he heaved himself up, heading for the door. "Back in a sec."

"Where are you going?"

Axel winked at him. "Obviously I think you're smoking hot. I need to jack off."

X

Marluxia often wondered if it was somehow his fault that Axel had become such a slut. Ever since he had been reintroduced to sex, he had turned into a hurricane of uncontrollable libido, mowing down everything in its way. He slept with anyone and everyone, for the stupidest of reasons. He was perfectly capable of sucking some unknown guy's cock as thanks for buying him a beer, or even worse, giving him a cigarette. Or just because they asked.

Not that Marluxia really cared; if Axel liked sex then good for him. Marluxia had a hard time seeing how sucking cock in the toilet of some bar could involve any kind of pleasure if you weren't on the receiving end, but what did he know. He didn't like cocks, but obviously Axel did. It was just that he seemed to have so little control.

They partied a lot, usually three to four times a week, and there was a lot of drugs and alcohol involved. Marluxia liked experimenting and bringing himself to new, unexplored states of mind, but while he was after the positive effect of the drugs and used them in moderation, Axel could often be found in a slobbering heap so out of it that he was impossible to communicate with. It was either that or sexual overdrive, when Axel would hit on absolutely anything, even girls.

It was hard to tell if it was because of a total lack of self respect, or if he actually enjoyed his many drunken escapades. It was probably both.

But even if Axel liked sleeping around, Marluxia was pretty sure he wasn't very happy with himself when he woke up somewhere with a hole in his memory and a sore ass and had to go test for HIV for the hundredth time. Or the times when he got into _real_ trouble.

When you were someone many people recognized and had a reputation of being easy, as well as doing anything for money or drugs, it wasn't good to lose control. Some people just had no conscience. Axel refused to call it rape, but when he came home shiny-eyed and spent hours in the shower, Marluxia doubted that whatever he'd been involved in could be described as consensual.

Axel would claim that it was; _"No one forced me," _he would snap. But it was pointless to talk about consent when you needed the money. Or when you were so fucked up you didn't know what was going on. Or when you suspected something even more unpleasant might happen if you tried to back out.

In the dark corners of Marluxia's mind, restless, uncomfortable thoughts buzzed about. He understood the need to not be a victim; he really did. But maybe they both were, and maybe they should tread lightly. Especially Axel, who didn't have the iron grip on his emotions that Marluxia had.

But maybe he didn't need to worry. In other ways, Axel was stronger than him and had always been. He was much more in tune with himself and his own wants and needs, while Marluxia just bent and flowed along.

And as Axel grew up, his social skills had improved immensely. Instead of being the obnoxious kid that everyone wanted to beat up he was considered a fun, easy-going guy among his increasing number of friends. In fact, after a couple of years most of Marluxia's friends were actually more of Axel's friends, with Larxene being the only exception.

He had also started caring about what he wore and about his hygiene, and if you looked at him from the right angle he could actually pass as attractive. More than pass apparently, as Axel had no problems picking up guys.

Neither had Marluxia, but picking up _girls_ was another matter.

"It's because you look so gay," Axel informed him. "And because you never talk to people. They're just girls; they won't bite." Often this was followed by: "But who cares about girls, anyway? You've always got me." Cue annoying smirk.

It was true that Marluxia hardly could be described as the sociable type and that he had no idea how to talk to any girl besides Larxene, but if looking gay was also one of his problems then Axel sure wasn't making it any better. Always clinging to him and with no sense of what should preferably be kept private, it was no wonder people got the wrong idea.

Even among their friends the general consensus seemed to be that maybe they weren't exactly boyfriends, but close enough. It was frustrating at times, especially when Axel did nothing to prove them wrong, not even when he actually _had_ a boyfriend.

But maybe they weren't that wrong.

X

"Come ooon, Marlene!"

Green eyes stared unfocusedly at him from his bed where Axel (definitely uninvited) had decided to collapse in a heap of bony limbs. "I'm so fucking horny!"

"You mean you're so fucking _obnoxious_," Marluxia replied, taking a seat beside him. "And there's no way I'll suck your cock if you keep calling me Marlene."

Axel's face lit up.

"You're going to suck my cock?" he asked expectantly and Marluxia rolled his eyes at the look of childlike bliss on his face, like he had just won the lottery.

"No, I'm not."

Axel's face fell, only to immediately brighten again as he directed what he probably meant to be some sort of seductive smirk at him. "What if-" he said, heaving himself up on his knees and leaned in to hang on to Marluxia's shoulder, "what if I suck _your_ cock first?"

He was so totally wasted. He reeked of alcohol and Marluxia couldn't even tell how many kinds of smoke he could smell in his hair. It was a wonder he was even conscious, but then again, it was always this way with Axel. Full speed ahead, no limits.

Marluxia had always liked to advocate the importance of having a method to your madness, but Axel just didn't get it. It was as if he thought he was invincible, or maybe (and Marluxia didn't like this other possibility at all) he just didn't care what happened to him.

"Haven't you sucked enough cocks tonight?" he asked, keeping his tone gentle as he put an arm around him to keep him steady.

Axel laid his head down on his shoulder. "I fucking can't remember. Did I?"

"How should I know? You went out alone tonight."

"I probably did… Roxie will be pissed."

"Since when did you care about that anyway," Marluxia muttered. "You need to stop being such an ass and break up with that poor kid."

"Fuck off."

Marluxia shrugged, used to this. Axel always got on the defensive when he pointed out one of the many things wrong with his relationship. At least his comment had made him stop clinging.

"You know I love him," he whined and leaned back against the wall. "And so," he pointed his index finger in the air, "should he."

"Yeah, you really make it obvious," Marluxia answered sarcastically.

Axel pouted childishly and tried to focus his hopelessly unfocused gaze on him. "You know, I'm not going to suck your cock if you're going to be such a bitch."

"I don't _want_ you to suck my cock," Marluxia reminded him.

Axel smirked. "Of course you do… You always say that and then you lie there and squirm and moan and come in like two seconds anyway."

Marluxia rolled his eyes but did not deny that Axel had a point. He really gave amazing head…

"Just go to sleep already. Preferably in _your _bed."

"I can't fucking sleep! I told you; I'm horny!"

"Use your hand."

Axel gave him a dirty look.

"Stop being such a fucking tease… you're just wearing those pants because you know they turn me on."

Marluxia laughed. "I always wear these pants, Axel."

"I know!" Axel shouted. "It drives me crazy! If you weren't my best friend I'd buy your services every fucking day."

"Jesus… Really?"

"Yeah!"

Marluxia gave up.

"Alright, suck my cock if you absolutely must."

Axel grinned. "You're not going to regret it!"

He was probably right, Marluxia mused as he lay back on the bed and watched with some amusement as Axel tried to get control over his body and move himself into a better position. He had to suffer a few bony elbows in the ribs and gut before Axel was in place, hovering above him.

"What are you doing? My cock is down there."

"But I want to make out first," Axel complained and started to lean in.

"Dude." Marluxia pressed his palm to his chest to keep him off. "Do you know what your breath smells like?"

Axel looked disappointed. "That bad?"

"Yeah!"

"You're not enjoying this at all, are you?" Axel accused and leaned heavily on an elbow while he let his other hand find its way down between Marluxia's legs. "Aww, fuck! You're not!"

"You haven't done anything yet," Marluxia pointed out, very nearly breaking into giggles at the disappointed look on Axel's face.

"How come _I'm_ so fucking horny then?!"

"Because you're perverted."

Axel snorted out a chuckle and Marluxia smiled at him. Maybe if he really had been gay instead of just so messed up in the head that he didn't really care what he fucked, he would have loved Axel. Now it was just… something else.

But it was a 'something else' that he liked. Lovers just had problems, which Axel was a perfect example of with his fucked up beyond belief relationship (Marluxia would secretly celebrate once it finally ended), so it was probably for the best that they weren't. He didn't know what it was like to have family members you actually cared about, but he thought that it might be like their _something else_. He could imagine Axel as a really close cousin. Not a brother, like he had thought when he was younger; because having a brother that wanted to suck his cock was a little too weird for even his liking.

It didn't matter what it was. Axel was the only person in the world he trusted and the only person that had managed to get inside the bubble of indifference that seemed to surround him for any extended period of time; _that_ was what mattered.

"Get on your back," he told him. "You're too wasted for this."

"Nooo," Axel protested, his voice rising to a whiny pitch. "Don't change your mind!!"

"Don't worry." Marluxia reached up and put his arms around his neck, smiling slyly at him. "You'll get better up. I'll ride you instead…"

X

The next morning he was woken up by a sudden grunt from Axel, followed by a long, whining moan and some assorted curses. Apparently last night's dissipations were catching up to him.

Marluxia rolled over to face him.

"Good morning, Sunshine!" he greeted, letting a small smirk form on his lips.

Axel looked at him with red, grainy eyes from underneath the hand he had clasped over his forehead.

"Fuck you. Get me a glass of water…"

Marluxia raised an eyebrow, and Axel groaned. "Okay, okay; _please?_ Fuck, my head is killing me…"

Marluxia took pity on him, and heaved himself out of bed, noting the look on Axel's face as he did so. It could best be described as confused amazement.

"You're… naked."

Marluxia winked at him.

"Basic observational functions back online, I see."

He turned his back on him and went to get a bottle of water and some painkillers from the shelf in the far corner of the room.

"Wait a minute," he heard Axel stutter behind him. "I'm naked too!"

Marluxia rolled his eyes. No memories from yesterday apparently… talk about throwing pearls for swine. He turned back and walked over to the bed again, deliberately putting some extra sway in his hips, because he knew it would frustrate Axel endlessly.

Maybe losing a memory like this would get him to think twice about his bad habits. Maybe.

Axel's eyes were glued to him as he crossed the room and his mouth hung slightly open.

"Fucking hell, Marly..." he breathed. "You should walk around naked all the time."

Marluxia just smiled at him, sitting down and handing over the water and the pills as Axel tried to shift into a more upright position. "Here you go."

"Thanks…" Axel knocked back the pills and nearly the entire water bottle before putting it down again, wiping at his mouth. "So… did we..?"

"Yeah, we did."

"Oh, man!" Axel groaned. "_Why_ do I always forget the good parts?!"

Marluxia lay down beside him, propping himself up on an elbow and combed some stray locks of hair out of Axel's face. He pursed his lips.

"Maybe you should slow down a little. I was surprised you could even talk yesterday. You were completely wasted and had no control. Again. It's dangerous, you know that."

"Yeah, yeah." Axel swatted his hand away, faint annoyance drawing his eyebrows together. "So what happened? In my weakened state you decided to use me?"

Marluxia chuckled despite himself. "That's hardly what happened."

"Alright, enlighten me… Don't leave out the details!"

Axel made a brave attempt to wiggle his eyebrows, which mostly seemed to result in an onslaught of headache. Marluxia found that he had to smile again, and weaved his fingers into Axel's.

"Well… first I had to help you drag yourself up the ladder. Then you went straight to my bed and conveniently collapsed there."

Axel smirked. "Classic move."

Marluxia sent him a not so serious glare.

"You wanted me to suck your cock."

"I always do."

"And you called me Marlene."

"Sorry."

"Then you wanted to suck _my_ cock."

"Well, sure."

"You seemed to have trouble locating it, though."

"Ouch."

"So I pushed you on your back and gave you the ride of your lifetime."

Axel stared at him with something very close to real despair in his eyes.

"You're shitting me! I forgot about _that?!?_"

"Yeah... I'm a little ticked off, actually."

"We can do it again if you just give me a couple of hours to rest," Axel tried, giving him a sheepish smile.

"Not likely."

Marluxia lay back down, and after a moment of consideration snuggled into Axel's side and rested his head on his shoulder. He just felt like it.

"You're very cuddly today…" Axel mumbled, and Marluxia could feel his fingers combing through his hair. Then a hint of smugness entered his voice, "Yesterday… Was it good?"

"It was alright."

"'Alright'?" Axel repeated with evident disappointment. "That sounds kind of... tragic."

Marluxia smirked. "Maybe it was."

"Oh no. You're _way_ too smug for that."

"Okay, it was nice."

"Just nice?"

"Yeah, nice! What do you want from me?" He turned his head up to frown at the childish pout he already knew Axel would be wearing. Yep, there it was.

"I want you to admit what a sex god I am and beg for it to happen again!"

Marluxia just snorted.

"I didn't know sex gods smelled so bad. Besides, I did all the work."

"Bastard. Would it kill you to say it was good?! I'm suffering here!"

Marluxia smiled and closed his eyes, going back to resting his head on Axel's chest.

"And whose fault is that?"

"I hope you realize you're being a fucking bitch right now," Axel complained. There was something to his voice though, something that suggested he wasn't just cranky and hungover, but actually somewhat serious.

Marluxia rolled off him and sat up on his elbow.

"Is it really that important to you?"

"Yes! You never sleep with me, even though you gladly sleep with every other guy in town."

Marluxia rolled his eyes. They sure slept together more often than most friends… Axel just had trouble accepting that he didn't find other guys as fascinating as he did.

"They pay me," he answered bluntly. "And shouldn't you be sleeping with your boyfriend instead of me, anyway?"

Axel pouted miserably, shooting him an annoyed glare.

"Now you're just being cruel. It's been two weeks now… I swear that if he doesn't put out tonight I don't know what to do with myself!"

"You're seeing him tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Wow. How are you planning to even get out of bed after yesterday?"

"I was kind of hoping you had something…"

"Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it."

"Thanks…" Axel smiled, a look of pure relief on his features, and Marluxia noticed his hands were shaking. "It's getting really, fucking bad…"

"Hold on."

Once more he heaved himself out of bed to consult his 'pharmacy' as Axel liked to call the box where he kept his benzos. "What where you on yesterday?"

"Amphetamine… mostly. I was drinking, and… I don't know."

"You shouldn't mix."

Nothing Axel didn't already know of course, but maybe some day he would learn. He returned to the bed with a new bottle of water and slipped the pill into Axel's mouth, waiting for him to drink it down before he lay down beside him again and put his arms around him. He probably needed the comfort.

Sometimes Marluxia liked that he could give him that; make a difference to someone.

"Tell you what," he whispered into his ear. "Yesterday was the best in a long time. Best since the last time we had sex, in fact." He didn't think he needed to mention that Axel had had a few problems with his erection.

Axel's eyelids opened to slits, revealing the green underneath, and he smiled slightly, still shaking.

"You're just saying that."

Marluxia trailed a finger down his neck, thinking that it looked elegant, almost swan-like when Axel was lying down like this.

"I only say things when I'm paid for it."

Axel's eyes closed again, and the smile grew wider on his lips as he drew Marluxia tighter to him.

"Guess that's true."

X

Later that night, Axel was over with Roxas, because as he had made it clear earlier; he wanted to fuck. Marluxia suspected he wasn't having much luck with that, because he could hear their voices echo through the house, louder and louder as they screamed at each other. It was probably something about Axel's adventures last night, as if Roxas didn't know what happened as soon as he turned his back on Axel.

It was giving Marluxia a headache, and he was sorely tempted to eat his way through his pharmacy and fuck himself up completely. He would have, if he wasn't supposed to meet a client soon. Instead he got off the bed and made his way over to Axel's room.

"Keep it the fuck down," he growled as he swung the door open. "You're loud enough to be heard outside!"

Axel turned and fixed him with a glare. "Whatever, Marly. Get the hell out of here!" He was holding Roxas trapped against the wall, his knee shoved roughly in between his legs.

And Roxas was crying. With his cheeks all red and puffy, he looked even younger than he normally did. Just a scared little kid.

It rubbed Marluxia all kinds of wrong.

"Seriously," he said, "let go of him and calm down."

Axel did let go, but only so he could walk up and bring his glare closer to Marluxia's face.

"_Seriously,_" he hissed, "_you_ need to get out of here and MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!!"

Marluxia wiped a drop of spit off his cheek and turned to Roxas, as talking to Axel was apparently pointless.

"I'm going to head out soon. You should come with me, Roxas. If we leave now, I can follow you home."

Marluxia knew what the answer was going to be even before Roxas shook his little blond head, voice coming out thin and cracked.

"No… no, I want to stay…"

"There you have it," Axel sneered, and slammed the door in his face.

Marluxia rolled his eyes. At least he had tried.

But he was still angry as he walked to the bathroom to get ready for his client. He hated seeing Axel like this, and he wished hard that Roxas would just grow some balls and leave him already. Both of them were destroying themselves like this.

Axel wasn't a nice guy. Selfish, slutty, angry, irresponsible, impulsive, self-destructive… the list of his flaws could be made long. Still, there were good things about him. You just had to be able to handle the bad things that came with them, and Roxas couldn't. It wasn't that he was a bad kid; he was just too damn young and too _normal_. He had probably never had a serious problem in his life, and now that he had, he had no way to deal with it. He just kept being trod on, clinging to his hope that one day Axel would change for him.

When Marluxia passed Axel's room on his way out he only heard muffled, gasping sobs from within, and he frowned, feeling powerless.

One day Axel was going to have to deal with the fact that he had hurt – really _hurt_ – someone he loved, and Marluxia didn't think he would be very good at it.

Axel was many things, but cruel and mean-spirited, he was not.

X

* * *

_One more part to go, then we're back in the present!_


	14. What's left in ruins, part 3

**What's left in ruins, part 3**

X

"Axel?"

Marluxia entered the apartment and closed the door behind him. No one had answered when he rang the doorbell so at first he thought no one was home, but then he had seen that the door wasn't even locked. That was weird because both Axel and his mother knew better than to leave it open in a neighbourhood like this.

But everyone could make mistakes, he supposed. Or Axel was just lying in his bed jacking off. He should still lock the door, though…

He sneaked towards Axel's room, hoping to spook him if he really was so into his jerkoff-session that he hadn't heard him. But it was empty.

Marluxia figured he would just wait for him to come home. They were supposed to hang out tonight anyway, but Axel wasn't expecting him for a couple of hours yet. Maybe he was out buying liquor or something. He sighed.

Lately he had really started wishing Axel would just calm down with his various ways of intoxicating himself. If it had used to be bad, it was totally out of control now. Before it had at least been in the spirit of having a good time, but now Axel's only goal was oblivion. Marluxia didn't think he had seen him sober once since Roxas broke up with him. He could understand that it hurt and that he was trying to block out the pain (because despite how it may have appeared, Axel really had loved that boy), but clearly his method wasn't working. It didn't matter what he was on anymore, it only seemed to work as a catalyst for his bad mood. That, or it knocked him out completely.

Of course Axel's response was to take more, like the stubborn idiot he was. Marluxia had told him that he should stop trying to shut everything out with drugs and let this take its time, allow himself to be sad. He had even told him he would agree to have sex with him whenever he wanted if it would make him feel better, but so far Axel hadn't taken him up on the offer once (which Marluxia wasn't sure if he should be relieved or worried about).

"_Fuck you! You're glad he left, aren't you, ASSHOLE??!"_

That was what Axel had slurred last time Marluxia had tried to cheer him up, which also pretty much summed up how pleasant his company was nowadays.

Whatever. He would get over it sooner or later, and everything would be as before.

He was just going to take a piss, and then he was going to watch TV until Axel came home. Axel hated watching TV, but that was probably just because he was spoiled with actually _having_ a TV, Marluxia thought as he opened the door to the bathroom and

.

..

...

HOLYFUCKINGSHIT

X

There was an initial image of _blood, blood everywhere, _and Axel's skinny form floating lifeless in it, but after that Marluxia could only remember what happened in vague, fragmented flashes. All sound had disappeared and his vision had focused on Axel's hand hanging limp over the edge of the tub, and then on a single drop of blood rolling over his knuckles and down along his pinky to finally stop hanging off his fingertip.

Marluxia could never put a name on the feeling that had filled him as he stood there waiting for it to fall. Time had seen to slow and quicken at once, his skin had burned and prickled until he was pushed _back, _and out of the depths of his mind something reptilian emerged to look out through his eyes.

He couldn't feel anything anymore, except sudden cold, like a bucket of icy water had been poured over his head. The blood drop fell from Axel's fingertip and joined the others of its kind on the floor with a wet splat, and Marluxia's legs moved without him telling them to do so.

He could remember tearing the waistband out of Axel's mother's bathrobe, and for some reason he also remembered how the texture of it felt in his hands. He had cut it in what he inexplicably knew were perfect halves using the knife lying abandoned by the side of the bathtub. _Sharp._

He could remember coldly assessing which cut was the deepest and tying off the bloodflow to that arm first. Calling the ambulance without being conscious enough to recall the number.

Medics swarming the bathroom, Axel being hauled off on a stretcher.

Someone patting his back, commending him for having kept his head on his shoulders and acted so sensibly. The situation was serious, but because of him Axel might have a chance to survive, he was told.

He had nodded.

Maybe there had been policemen too, but that reptialian entity had stayed calm when Marluxia would normally have been sweating with paranoid fear.

"_We were supposed to hang out later, but I was early. He must have forgotten to lock the door... I found him like this,"_ it had said, even faking a worried tremble to his voice. It had also lied about his real name when they asked for it. The reptile seemed to agree that Marluxia should stay listed as a missing person as far as the authorities were concerned.

The tired-looking policeman had just nodded, probably used to seeing similar scenarios. Just another junkie trying to put an end to his tragic existence.

After that there was nothing until he was alone again, back in his body seated on the toilet while turning over the message Axel had left behind in his hands. It was hard to concentrate, and his mind was filled with odd, useless bits of information. Like how many tiles there were on the wall. That there was a crack on the underside of the wash basin. The shampoo bottle was almost empty.

He hadn't wanted to come along to the hospital, but he didn't know why. Maybe he would never see Axel again, so shouldn't he want to stay close?

'_Sorry mom',_ Axel's letter read, and that was all.

The shaky letters only filled up a small corner of the torn-out note book page they were written on, as if Axel had meant to write more but then changed his mind. Marluxia could see him chewing his pen while staring at the page, imagine him putting it away, deciding that there wasn't really anything more to say anyway, and then reach for the knife.

Sudden rage shot through him, red-hot and almost frightening in its intensity.

_That stupid, fucking asshole!!_

_He_ could think of a few more things to say. What about 'sorry _Marluxia_', for starters? Why the hell was there no 'sorry Marluxia'? Was it significant? He closed his hand around the note and slammed his fist into the wall, until the pain calmed him down somewhat.

Why did he even care about the fucking letter? If Axel died on him there would be nothing that mattered anymore. _Nothing._

The rage vanished as suddenly as it had appeared, and a tremble started building in his knees and spread through his entire body, until the crumpled note fell out of his hands. His throat was swelling and his vision blurring, and for a moment he thought he was having a panic attack, but he had just forgotten what it felt like to cry. He hadn't done it since he was eight years old, and now he understood why.

It was an awful feeling; his chest hurt, he felt weak and pathetic and he wanted it to stop, but he couldn't even move. All he could do was fold in on himself, resting his forehead on his knees and wait it out.

When there were no tears left he started cleaning out the blood, because he didn't think it was something Axel's mother should have to do.

It never occurred to him that it might not be something he should have to do either.

X

When he was done the bathroom was spotless, but looking down on himself, he wasn't. He was soaking wet and the blood was everywhere on his clothes, and seeing it made him feel strangely lightheaded. Then his eyes fell on the note, still lying scrunched up beside the toilet.

Should he call Axel's mother? Thinking about it, he was almost sure someone from the ambulance crew had said they'd take care of it. He picked the note up and did his best to smooth out the creases, feeling nauseous as he saw his own bloody fingerprints all over it. _Fuck._

He took his clothes off, stuffed them in a plastic bag, then scoured Axel's closet for something he could borrow. He was forced to settle with a pair of old sweatpants, because Axel's legs were so damn skinny he couldn't fit into any of his jeans. Sweaters were easier. Pulling one over his head, he noticed a note pad lying opened on the bed and suspected that it was the same Axel had used for his letter.

He took it with him to the kitchen, and then he copied Axel's handwriting to the best of his ability, creating a new suicide note that he put on the kitchen table. The old one went into the trash and with it the last evidence of the blood. It felt a little better if Axel's mother wouldn't have to see any of it.

He texted her a simple _"Have you heard?", _and wearily picked up when the phone rang moments later.

_She was on her way to the hospital, did he know what had happened, was he also coming, how bad was it and –_

Lots of other panicked babbling followed, and Marlixia zoned out.

"I can't handle it," he heard himself say. "I'm going over to a friend. I'll call you later."

He ended the call with heroin on his mind. Enough to render him unable to move, to think, until fate had decided whether Axel would live or die. _Larxene._ Conveniently her boyfriend was a dealer, and a pretty okay guy even though Marluxia hated him sometimes. Right now he wouldn't mind crashing at their place for a couple of nights, though.

He got moving. He suspected he was still in shock and that he had little time before it wore off, and then he didn't know if he would be capable of anything.

"_Axel tried to kill himself. Don't know if he'll survive, I'm coming over," _he texted Larxene.

She called him a minute later, and after another half an hour he was stuffed into the backseat of her boyfriend's car with her. She held his hand and for once didn't say anything bad about Axel. It would have been nice at any other time, but Marluxia just couldn't focus. He didn't know what he was supposed to think or feel about anything.

"He'll be fine," Larxene assured him, but Marluxia didn't believe her. Those cuts had not been the sissy kind that people survived. Why the hell did Axel always have to go all in on everything he did?

"I don't know what to do if he dies," he said.

"I know," she answered. She was crying a little, and Marluxia held her hand harder.

For the life of him, he couldn't understand why Axel would choose such a messy way to go. It must have hurt and been scary with all that blood spraying everywhere. If _he_ had wanted to kill himself, he would simply have taken an overdose and let people believe that was what it was. That kind of thing happened; it was something you could deal with.

_What the hell was he supposed to think about this?_

X

"I brought you porn."

Axel stared at the magazine flung into his lap with a face void of any expression. Not a very good sign, Marluxia thought as he seated himself in the chair by the bed. He had hoped that the absolutely ridiculously gay cover would at least provoke a smile, but maybe that was expecting too much when he had avoided coming here for so long.

"Thought you'd like it better than flowers," he added.

Axel grunted.

"You should have brought cigarettes. They won't even let me have a fucking smoke in this place."

Marluxia considered this, noting the sheen of sweat on Axel's upper lip and forehead. Was it abstinence symptoms? He had been hospitalized for nearly a month now; he shouldn't be feeling it so bad that he was sweating. They probably gave him drugs to counter the urge for other drugs anyway.

"I'm sure they're giving you all manner of funny pills to make up for it," he said, but Axel just grimaced.

"I don't give a fuck. I just swallow and let them stick me with their needles. At least they're not strapping me down anymore."

Axel's gaze stayed fixed on the magazine, and a worried crease started forming between Marluxia's eyebrows. At first glance he had been relieved seeing Axel again. He didn't know what he had expected, but he actually looked healthier than before the suicide attempt, with a new kind of lustre to his skin, hair and eyes. Maybe he had even gained some weight.

Must be because they fed him here.

But if he was really feeling better, he wouldn't have been sitting so still. Axel seemed to be born with some kind of inner restlessness, always pacing about, jumping his leg or drumming the beat of some tune playing inside his head.

It was possible he had been medicated into near zombiehood, but Marluxia didn't think so. He seemed too angry, despite the passivity. At least that was something that hadn't changed.

So, depression then. Axel's mother had said that it had been bad. Just that; _bad,_ with a shake of her head and a pour of another glass of wine, looking like she had aged ten years in just a couple of weeks. For a life-long wino, that was saying something.

"_Go see him, Marluxia. He always listened to you."_

Marluxia swallowed the snort that wanted to come out. _Since when?_ Axel never listened to _anyone,_ and that was his problem.

"I bought a new pack this morning," he said instead, hoping that cigarettes would be an easy way to get through where the porn had obviously failed. "Let's get out and have some air. I saw a balcony just down the hall."

Axel's gaze flickered up to meet his and one of his fingers twitched. Then he shook his head. "Nah… They say it's bad… 'increased risk of infection'. Almost lost a hand already."

What was this? Axel being _cautious?_

Marluxia couldn't help raising an eyebrow.

"I didn't know people with the habit of taking baths in their own blood cared so much about infections. Isn't it pretty much healed by now, anyway?" It was too harsh, maybe even mean, he knew that. But he was angry. He had tried not to be, but for some reason he couldn't block it out.

Axel's green eyes met his. Unwavering. _Accusing._

"I wouldn't _have_ to care," he spat viciously. "If it wasn't for _you._"

For several moments, Marluxia could do nothing but blink. It wasn't like he had expected being thanked for saving Axel's life, but he hadn't exactly expected him to be mad about it either. Maybe he should have?

He frowned, uncertain of what to do. Most of all, he wanted to slap him. Ask him what the hell he meant; if he really thought he should just have left his best friend to die without doing anything. If he didn't realize what he had almost done to himself. To the people that loved him. His mother. _Him._

Didn't they matter? Just because he was a little heartbroken over some dumb kid he already knew it would never work out with anyway? Marluxia could feel his blood pressure rising; panicky, adrenaline-fuelled rage filling him.

_It's too soon. He's not himself; you've got to be patient._

But he couldn't handle it, not right now. For once he didn't think he would be able to keep his calm if Axel started shouting at him. Just coming here had been difficult enough.

"You can think whatever you want about me," he told him, careful to keep his voice modulated. "Just have the fucking decency to shut up about it. And don't even _think_ about doing something like that to yourself again!"

He rose without looking at Axel's face, giving the limp hand closest to him a quick squeeze.

"Get better, man. I love you."

Then he left. Halfway down the hall it struck him that he had never told Axel he loved him before. Well, he had, but not sober, so it didn't count. When he thought about it, he had never actually told _anyone_ he loved them before.

He wondered if Axel even cared.

X

When Marluxia visited next week, there was sadness in Axel's eyes. He sat curled up on his bed with his arms wrapped around his knees, fingers plucking restlessly at the bandages about his wrists.

"You think Roxas would visit me if he knew I was here?" he asked, voice thin and longing.

Marluxia shifted his tongue in his mouth, having a very hard time keeping the anger from showing on his face. "Is that why you carved yourself up? So Roxas would feel guilty about breaking up with you?"

At that Axel's head snapped up, something feral glinting in his eyes.

"No," he growled. "You think I'm some fucking moron?! I'd never do anything to hurt Roxy!"

Marluxia scoffed internally, but didn't bother pointing out that there was countless evidence to the contrary. He was better prepared to handle Axel today, now when he knew what to expect. Maybe if he just let him spew enough of his bullshit he would eventually run out of it.

Axel glared at him, probably disappointed with his unresponsiveness.

"If anyone could understand why I did it, it should be _you._"

Marluxia met his gaze levelly.

"Well, I don't understand it, Axel," he answered calmly. "Because _I_ don't want to kill myself, and I think I've had my fair share of shit handed to me." He shrugged. "I thought we were doing pretty well."

That was his honest opinion, but Axel's upper lip curled in disgust and he shook his head

"_Pretty well!_" he snarled. "I don't get how you can even say that. Fuck, look at me! Look at _you!_ No education, no job, no future… All we fucking do is get wasted so we can forget what fucking losers we are and all the stupid shit we get ourselves into. Is that a life?!"

Marluxia shrugged again, waiting for the rest.

"It isn't. It's _shit_," Axel hissed, turning his face away again. "I don't even feel like a person anymore. All I'm good for is being used, and I'm so fucking sick of it! I'm the worst whore in the world; I never remember protection and most of the time I'm so out of it I don't even remember to fucking charge! And it isn't because I like it so much; the guys that would even consider paying to touch me aren't exactly hotties and I hate being on the bottom."

He looked up at Marluxia again with narrowed eyes.

"And _you_. You're supposed to be straight, but you've never even been with a girl. Instead you let guys fuck you up the ass and get all chummy with Larxene's boyfriend when you've been in love with her forever! How the hell can you stand it?! Don't you care about anything?!?"

"Maybe, unlike _you,_ I choose to care about the _good_ things," Marluxia snapped. He didn't like what Axel was not-so-subtly insinuating; that he was such a loser Axel would have killed himself if he were in his shoes.

Yeah, he kind of liked Larxene, but they were friends which meant she liked him too, which was not bad at all. What the hell was wrong with settling with what you actually _had_ instead of pining for something that would never be??

And maybe he wasn't thrilled about sleeping with men for money, but he was used to it and he was good at it. It generated a more than decent income and he truly didn't mind that much. It was just something you did, like cleaning the floor or washing dishes; not a big deal unless you made it one. Usually it was alright, sometimes even nice, and it wasn't like it took up a lot of your time.

The whole point of it was that you could choose your clients, and Marluxia had his standards. Clean, sober and respectful. He had been less picky when he was younger and didn't have the contacts he had now, and things had admittedly been worse then. Probably much like it was for Axel now.

He was right when he said he was the worst whore in the world. Marluxia wouldn't even call him a prostitute, because that implied some kind of professionalism, which Axel had none. He was more of an opportunist, using his body to get advantages whenever he saw the chance.

"If you hate it so much, you should just stop sleeping around with everyone and get a job," Marluxia told him. "You don't need to be rich to live with me. Lots of people with no education flip burgers and clean graffiti, or whatever."

Axel kept looking away. "Flipping burgers. What the hell is that."

_What the hell, indeed. _Long hours, small pay and no appreciation.

"What do you want to do then?" he asked, starting to lose his patience. "You're going to have to get money somewhere, but no one would ever let you deal drugs, so what's left? Breaking into cars? Snatching purses from old ladies? Going back to school?"

"I don't _KNOW!!_" Axel growled at him, looking so furious Marluxia thought he was going to get up and break something. Instead he just suddenly sagged back against his pillows, all the fight gone from him with only despair left in its place.

"I don't know… I'm such a fucking _loser_. I'm so worthless I couldn't even kill myself… No wonder Roxas left." His voice broke into a string of quiet sobs. "Why didn't you just let me die? I fucking _hate_ myself… It's... _I'm_ so fucking... It's just _disgusting._"

Marluxia could only watch helplessly, wondering if Axel seriously meant what he was saying or if it was just his post break-up depression talking.

Whatever it was, he hated hearing him give in to this kind of self-loathing, which there in his opinion was no reason for. It didn't matter if Axel was a slut, or if he lacked any kind of skill society deemed useful, or if he was something of a bastard; what mattered was what he himself thought.

Marluxia had figured out a long time ago that life wasn't fair and that some people would always end up with the shorter straw. There wasn't much else to do than just accept it and try to make the best of your situation.

Besides, if you thought about it, life was just as unfair and shitty for all human beings. They were just machines of flesh stranded in a universe that treated them like any other chunk of matter. Crawling the surface of their insignificant planet without any clue to the point of their existence until the day they died and truly became nothing more than matter.

It was comforting in a way; knowing that nothing really mattered, but he didn't know how to communicate this to Axel. And he couldn't think about anything nice to say about Axel to cheer him up either.

He didn't like him because he was nice, damn it!

To him, Axel would always be that small, scrawny rebel looking for trouble in the playground, and _that_ was what he liked. That he didn't fit in. That he didn't care if he fit in. That he was similar, but still so gloriously different from himself.

Marluxia didn't think there was any point in trying to tell Axel that he liked him just the way he was; he would only take it as confirmation that he was indeed worthless and disgusting, because depressed people were always so fucking stupid like that. But what else could he say?

"I like you. And you're only a loser if you think you are one," he stated firmly.

Axel glared tiredly at him. "You're so full of shit. You're a loser when you wake up in the hospital and only your mother comes to visit."

Marluxia rolled his eyes.

"Sorry it took a while. I wasn't sure I could keep myself from punching your teeth out if I'd come here any earlier."

Axel chuckled mirthlessly, wiping his tears.

"Don't apologize, it was a good thing you stayed away. I've been thinking the same thing."

He was serious, Marluxia realized. He was really, seriously pissed off that he had saved his life. As if anyone would just calmly stand by and do nothing while their best friend bled away before their eyes!

"Do you really think I should just have watched you die?" he asked quietly. He tried to sound neutral and not accusing, but there was still an edge to his voice. Apparently that was enough to make Axel's temper flare up again.

"When I had gone through all that trouble; _yes,_ why couldn't you just fucking let me?!! It wasn't just some whim; you know I've been miserable forever. Do you have any idea what it's like thinking it's finally over only to wake up and discover it isn't?! _Do you?!!_"

Marluxia wanted to ask if _Axel_ knew what it was like finding his best friend in a bathtub full of blood, if he knew how many pills he had to eat to sleep at night, but managed to hold his tongue. Adding fuel to Axel's flames was never a good idea.

Eventually Axel looked away, crossing his arms over his chest while muttering to himself.

"Why do I bother? You never cared about my feelings, anyway. You just want me around so you can think that at least you're not as fucked up as me."

Marluxia frowned.

"Where the hell did you get that idea?"

Axel turned back to him with a snort. "Oh, please. You always lecture me about everything like I'm some fucking idiot, and you strut around wiggling your ass in those pants because you know I look. I think you like it like that. You want me to look up to you and want you, so you can pretend you're not just another loser. It's pathetic."

Axel's eyes bored into his.

"You've always been like that, you know. Keeping me at a distance, like I'm some stupid little brother who should be grateful to be allowed to hang out with someone as cool as you."

Marluxia worked his mouth, unable to get out a reply. What Axel said had an uncomfortable ring of truth, but a truth so twisted and warped it could barely be recognized.

"You think I should be glad you let me touch you," Axel continued mockingly. "Because you're not gay, you just sleep with guys for money, and aren't you the most noble and generous guy in the universe to even consider letting me near you for free? And of course you just want to protect me when you're giving me your lectures. Because I'm two years younger and can't possibly make a decision for myself or comprehend what I'm getting myself into. You get some weird kick out of it, don't you? Bossing me around. That's why you hated that I was with Roxas; because you weren't most important anymore."

Now _this_ was just moronic.

Marluxia stood, balling his hands into fists and glared at Axel.

"You can have as many boyfriends you want, you fucking idiot!! Maybe, _Axel,_ I hated you being with Roxas because I just don't like it when people _rape little boys._"

He turned and walked out of the room with a slam of the door, without even looking at Axel's expression. He already knew he had been taking it too far again, but if he stayed he might lose control completely. His insides felt like they were torn to pieces and somewhere just outside his consciousness, chaotic thoughts and emotions swirled and raged, building up a storm.

He locked himself in the closest bathroom he could find, fumbling with the little plastic jar of pills he never left home without and swallowed a number of them in quick succession. Sitting down on the toilet, he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to keep his thoughts in check until the drugs would take effect.

Why did Axel have to be so _difficult?_ Was he really thinking like that??? He couldn't even put words to how that made him feel. When he'd do _anything_ for Axel, and even _slept_ with the bastard!

…_You think I should be glad you let me touch you…_

Yes, he damn well should! And he could forget about that ever happening again! _Fuck!_

Marluxia took a deep breath, trying to let it go. He reminded himself that this wasn't real, just the results of Axel's depression. He had never had the ability to let go and change perspective like Marluxia could.

Once, when he was high, Marluxia had tried to explain how he did it, but Axel had just thought he was tripping.

"_Dude, you're such a hippie."_

…Or maybe he just hadn't taken him seriously. But it was a good philosophy, a good way of thinking. Without it, Marluxia didn't know how he would have kept on to his sanity.

The trick was to think of yourself as a water lily. A lone plant in a dark pond. Maybe it grew in murky waters and dug its roots into foul, slimy muck, but the flower always floated on the still surface, open to the sky. You could get through anything if you just remembered the flower.

Slowly the buzzing in his skull faded to stillness, and Marluxia let out an uneven breath. He would be okay, he always would.

The question was if Axel would.

X

That night Marluxia had the Nightmare for the first time.

He was shivering from cold sweat when he woke up, the covers flung to the side.

At first it had seemed real. He had recognized the patterns the blood made as it ran down the sides of the bathtub and the position of Axel's hand hanging limp over the edge. He had stepped forward, seen his pale face again. Eyes closed, mouth open, bony knees sticking up from the bloody water.

The blood drop falling endlessly to the floor.

It was after that everything started to change; what he had done right turned to wrong in the dream. Axel's hand slowly slipped back into the tub, and red water started leaking into his mouth. He was sinking. _Fast_, Marluxia realized too late, gripping desperately for his hands only visible as a pale blur under the surface. When he grabbed hold they slid away, slippery from blood and shredded folds of flesh. The bathtub was suddenly bottomless and Axel too deep down.

When Marluxia finally thought of pulling the plug and the water drained away, Axel was lying dead at the bottom, and he looked _wrong_. Smaller, dried out; like a withered plant or an empty insect husk. All blood had drained from him and it had _changed _him.

Even though the dream was over now, Marluxia felt no relief as the fading images left him gasping in his bed. The symbolism wasn't lost on him, and he spent the rest of the night staring into the darkness of the ceiling.

Axel might not be dead, but maybe he was still gone.

X

The next time Marluxia visited, they didn't say a word to each other. Axel sat on his bed, sullenly staring into the wall until Marluxia finally left when visiting hours were over.

His head was empty when he walked down the corridor, all emotions dulled down to harmless, easily manageable objects. Smooth rocks on a windswept shore. Maybe he had taken too much medication; maybe it was because of that he hadn't known what to say.

Or maybe there wasn't much point in visiting anymore. Maybe it was time to let go.

He almost felt okay with it.

X

But he didn't let go, and eventually things got better.

If it was the therapy, the medication, or just time working its magic, Marluxia didn't know, and he didn't care. What mattered was that he was beginning to see flashes of the real Axel shining through the anger and depression. He started smoking again, and talking. There were unexpected smiles and sudden jokes, and the mentions of Roxas became few and far between.

Marluxia had never thought he'd actually welcome Axel's attempts to come on to him, but the first time Axel suggested that he'd get under the covers and suck his cock, he was so happy he almost considered doing it. _Almost._

After six months Axel was judged to be stable enough to not attempt another suicide, and was sent home. It happened to coincide with New Years Eve, and Marluxia took on some extra clients to afford them some cocaine to celebrate with, figuring that Axel could use a confidence boost. His mouth wouldn't stop grinning as he led Axel towards the car over the clinic's parking lot with an arm wrapped around his shoulders while Axel's mother was holding on to his waist, smiling happily with tears in her eyes, and sober for once (though it was only because Marluxia had been babysitting her all day).

Axel was maybe not beaming along with them, but was at least carefully optimistic.

Later though, when they were all three standing out on Axel's mother's balcony equipped with champagne and party hats, Marluxia knew Axel was happy. He had been hesitant at first, when Marluxia showed him the cocaine, but now he was laughing like a little kid as the fireworks crackled and bloomed over the night sky, painting his face in crazy colours. The scene was beautiful and surreal to Marluxia's eyes, and his own smile was pulled taut over tense jaws.

It was fucking impossible to not be happy. He had never thought much about holidays and the reason they were celebrated, they were more like a convenient excuse to party, but this went straight to his heart and filled him with wonder. It was about new beginnings, he realized. A chance to right wrongs, or change tracks.

He wondered how many people stood looking up to the sky in this exact moment, vowing to change their lives. The thought awed him.

"Can you feel it?" he whispered in Axel's ear. "Everything will be alright."

"I'm alright!" Axel shouted back smiling, giving him a thumbs up. He was probably a little deaf from all the explosions.

Marluxia smiled back, not caring if he hadn't heard. He was pretty sure both Axel and his mother could pick up on his feeling. It was so powerful and all around in the air and he felt so close to them, here on top of the world, where he was king and the fireworks outshone even the stars. They snapped pictures of each other and sang and told Axel they loved him about twice a minute, and everything was perfect; cosmic harmony and blooming water lilies.

"It's midnight!" Axel's mother cheered, now definitely in a deep state of drunkenness. "Kiss the new year in, boys!"

Marluxia grinned, at the moment finding her suggestion an excellent idea, and pulled a not unwilling Axel into his arms and made out with him. Maybe it was a little more thorough than what was appropriate in front of his mother, but she just laughed.

"Now who's going to kiss _me?_" she slurred.

"You're _not_ making out with my mom!" Axel laughed, keeping Marluxia trapped in his arms when he benevolently moved to give her the same treatment.

They ended up both giving her a kiss on the cheek, and then they went inside. While Axel's mother took care of most of the champagne, Axel and Marluxia kept sneaking into the bathroom at regular intervals to draw lines.

X

"One more," Axel purred in his ear, giving it a small bite.

Axel's mother had long since passed out in her favourite armchair and the boys were lying tangled up in each other on the couch, having decided that they wanted to continue their midnight makeout session. Well, actually Axel had decided – he was giggly and ridiculous like a young teenager drunk for the first time, not to mention horny as hell – but Marluxia wasn't going to complain; not this time. It was such a rush being able to make him happy after months of feeling powerless, and besides, he was more than a little bit horny himself.

It was a long time since it had been any good, and even though Marluxia would never admit it, being with Axel was always good. Maybe he had even missed it.

Axel nibbled his ear a little more insistently.

"Come ooon, just one more!"

"You would so OD on this shit if I wasn't here," Marluxia snorted, secretly enjoying how Axel's breath felt in his ear. "_I'm_ setting the pace here. Isn't it nice to be in control for once? Feel it like it's supposed to be?"

"I've never been more in control in my life!" Axel protested loudly. "I just want to loose it. This is so fucking great…"

"Then you're just right. We'll take more when I say so."

Axel was about to start bitching about it; Marluxia could tell, but _he_ was running this show. And as always, Axel was easy to manipulate through sexual means.

Marluxia could feel his pulse under the skin of his neck, hard and fast, as he ran his tongue over it, hear his breath hitch as he sucked and kissed. And his skin felt nice under Marluxia's fingers, warm and surprisingly smooth where he wasn't hairy. He couldn't quite get enough of it, actually.

"Shit, Marly…" Axel whined and pressed his groin into Marluxia's lower abdomen, his erection straining through his jeans. "At least say you're going to fuck me!"

"Do you want me to?" Marluxia murmured, not at all surprised (was he good at this, or what?), before adding with a teasing bite to Axel's collar bone, "I thought you didn't like being on the bottom."

"Yes, I do," Axel huffed, and then added more softly, "sometimes, when it's with the right person…"

Marluxia raised an eyebrow, turning his head from Axel's neck to look at him. Actually, _this_ was a little unexpected.

"_I'm_ the right person?"

Axel laughed. "Relax! I didn't mean I was in love with you, or anything. It's a trust thing…"

"Oh." Marluxia smiled, seeing what he meant.

Axel smiled back, although it was a smile of an entirely different kind; wickedly crooked with his eyes glittering dark above his tattoos.

"I want you to suck my cock. And then I want you to fuck me… I'm going to be on my back and you on top, and you're going to pin me down and fuck me hard and come inside me."

Marluxia chuckled. "I hear you've got this all planned out…"

Axel pulled away slightly to look at him with a cheeky smile.

"You can handle it, Marly. You're a _professional._"

"Fuck off! If it's going to be that way, I'm charging…" But he laughed, and pulled Axel down to kiss him. His plan didn't sound unappealing at all, actually…The occasions when Marluxia got to be on top of anyone were rare, to say the least.

Axel returned his kisses with desperate fervour, his hands almost feverishly hot as they slipped in under Marluxia's shirt, tracing patterns of fire over his prickling skin. He was getting hard, and Axel purred deep in his throat when he felt it.

"You want me."

Marluxia supposed he did, and after one more kiss, he held Axel tight and sat up so that he had him in his lap.

"Hold on," he told him and hoisted them both off the couch, smirking at Axel's delighted squeal at being lifted. "We're not doing this in front of your mother."

"No objections to that," Axel chuckled. He wrapped his legs around Marluxia's waist and made out with his neck while he carried him to his bedroom. He was heavier than he looked, but still light enough to be handled easily.

Marluxia laid him down on his bed and climbed on top of him, sinking his body into the mattress. It felt better than it should have done, but maybe it wasn't so strange when he had missed him and worried about him for more than half a year. There was something deeply satisfying about having him in his grip, under his control. He really wanted to fuck him, he realized._ Really, really._

"Like this?" he asked somewhat hoarsely.

Axel just nodded and wound his arms around him, urging him to continue with the kissing, which he gladly did. He kissed him harder and snuck his hand under his shirt, then both hands, to feel his skin and to wind his arms around him as he arched his back. He pressed him tighter, almost lifting him, and ground his crotch down between his spread legs. Axel moaned in his mouth and grabbed at his ass, pushing it down so he would do it again, and for a good ten minutes they just lay there rubbing and grinding while covering each other's necks and faces in kisses, breath turning into erratic panting

Marluxia didn't know why he was so turned on. Maybe because Axel's moans felt so good to hear and his eyes were so glazed with raw desire when he looked at him. Maybe it was because of the way he moved under him, struggling not to get free, but to be closer and to have more of him. To be back with _him, _back with the living.

"I'm going to fucking cum in my pants," Axel groaned between kisses. "It's been so long…"

"No, you're not."

Suddenly coming back to his senses, Marluxia grabbed Axel's skinny hips and pushed him down, creating some space between them. He smirked at the aggravated growl he got in response.

"You're going to cum in my mouth… When I let you. And then you're going to cum again when I fuck you."

Axel stared at him, exhaling heavily.

"I could come from just hearing you talk like that…"

Marluxia winked at him, deciding it was enough with the talking.

He pulled Axel's shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor, and then sat up and got rid of his own, making it a little show for Axel. He knew he liked looking at him. Everyone liked looking at him. It was right there, in that faraway look he had seen in so many men's eyes. When they had that look, his power was absolute.

"Damn, you're so fucking hot…"

_And don't I just know it._

His smirk grew wider, and he hooked a finger under the hem of Axel's jeans and trailed it along the yet untouched skin of his underbelly. _Smooth._

"I know."

"And so _modest,_ too…" Axel muttered, but abruptly stopped his grumbling as Marluxia bent down to undo his fly with his teeth. Always a popular move, that… and he knew Axel loved this kind of cheesy stuff. The dirtier and sluttier, the better.

Not that he complained. It was convenient, because Marluxia always found it easier when there was a clearly defined role he could slip into. That way it became something like a game, something you could distance yourself from. Watch from the outside.

Not that he wanted the distance now. He wanted closeness and he wanted Axel to want him like the old days. All he could think as he pulled Axel's jeans and underwear down, was how he was going to suck him better than anyone ever had, and after that how he was going to take him and make him repay him for all he had put him through.

Somewhere around here, they got a little crazy with the cocaine, because Azel sneakily stole it out of the pocket of Marluxia's discarded hoodie while he was busy undressing him.

"Come on, just a little more," he coaxed when he was caught redhanded opening the bag, and Marluxia caved. It was time anyway; the peak from the last lines was long gone. Maybe they overdid it a little, because it was fun snorting it off each other's bodies; Axel was ticklish, and it turned into weirdly euphoric wrestling before Marluxia could finally tackle Axel down once more and crush their lips together

Axel strained underneath him, trying to change their positions, but Marluxia kept him down with his hands firmly locked around his wrists and forced his legs further apart with his thighs. No way was he going to let him change his mind about letting him fuck him. He wanted it now, like he had never wanted it before, and he was sick of being considerate.

His cock was throbbing between his legs, and had he not still been wearing his pants, he might have taken Axel right then.

Instead he repositioned to sink his head down between Axel's legs, looking up to smirk at him before he placed the first soft kiss at the inside of his thigh. Teasing Axel was after all something he really enjoyed.

"Marly," Axel groaned, "just fucking – mmh!"

Marluxia shut him up pushing two fingers into his mouth, and shuddered from unexpected pleasure as his tongue wound around them. He moaned slightly, trailing his kisses higher until Axel's pubic hair tickled his nose. He should shave… there was cocaine stuck in it.

"I'm snorting your pubes," he couldn't help giggle, to which Axel responded with biting his finger. _"Ow!"_

"Damn it, Marly, don't dick around, I can't ta-gh!"

Marluxia shoved his fingers back in his mouth, smirking at him while he slowly slid them in and out. It was tempting to replace them with his cock, but he figured it would get its due soon enough. He licked his lips slowly, watching Axel's expression turn into one of pure lust and felt his breath hot and heavy over his fingers. _Much better._

"You don't know when to shut up, Axel," he said. "Just let me do my thing."

There was some kind of muffled protest from Axel, which Marluxia ignored in favour of lowering his head between his legs again. He kissed at the base of his cock, licked his way up the shaft, let his tongue swirl around the head. Tasted him. It was a sensation he wasn't used to, as he normally never did anything without condoms (especially not with Axel), but it was safe now; Axel had been cured of anything he had while at the hospital. Marluxia liked it. It felt intimate, the warm, smooth skin in his mouth and against his cheek as he kissed his way back down. Completely different from the rubbery, chemical flavours of condoms.

"You taste good," he murmured and looked up to meet Axel's eyes as he once again licked all the way up to the head and let it slide in between his lips.

Axel exhaled heavily, drool trickling down his cheek. _So easy to please._ Marluxia chuckled and pulled his fingers put of his mouth, trailing saliva over his body all the way down between his legs. Then he sucked.

Axel moaned and his thighs trembled, his cock suddenly twitching wildly in Marluxia's mouth. _Whoa._

Seemed like he'd have to be really careful... He switched to soft swirls of his tongue and let his hand slide deeper down between Axel's legs, until he felt the wrinkled skin of his opening under his fingertips. He circled it, just gently pushing and rubbing at it without entering, and again Axel's cock felt like it was about to explode in his mouth.

"It's so good," Axel whispered breathless. "I forgot how good it is…"

Again, Marluxia wanted to just take him.

"I'll show you good," he told him.

He let one finger slide inside, and Axel gasped, his head falling back against the pillows and his hands coming up to fist Marluxia's hair, trying to force his mouth deeper down.

Maybe it was time to go all out.

Marluxia swallowed his cock deep down his throat, pulling the finger out slowly then pushing back deeper in; harder. Over and over, slow and steay until Axel was reduced to a quivering mess begging for faster and harder.

Marluxia ignored him, pushing his finger back in and keeping it there while he let Axel slide out of his mouth until only the head was left for his tongue to play with. He let his tongue bore slightly into the slit –

"Marly, _please..!_ Ohhh, FUCK!!"

Marluxia stopped what he was doing immediately, almost thinking it was too late, as Axel's whole body tensed and trembled, but then he stilled, falling back against the sheets.

"False alarm," he panted. "Or at least I think so, that was…"

"Sure it was," Marluxia interrupted. "I think it's time for something else. Where's the lube?"

Ignoring his promise to make Axel come twice, he made him stand on all four, and took him from behind, hard and deep. It almost felt strange being the one to hold his hips and push into him, as the roles were usually reversed. His cock looked huge, almost obscene, sliding into Axel's all too skinny ass, and the sight awoke something within him that both turned him on and made vague nausea swirl in his stomach.

But mostly it felt good. So mind-blowingly, amazingly good he wasn't sure he would be able to keep this up for more than a minute. Axel was tight and hot, wet and wide open, and he moaned and begged, and after a while he collapsed onto his belly and just lay there whimpering and writhing. He was beautiful and his muscles moving just under the skin of his back might have been the most erotic thing Marluxia had ever seen.

Did he love him? For real?

He changed position, laying himself flat on top of him, so he could kiss his neck and ear, bury his face in his hair. He put one hand on top of Axel's and felt him grip his fingers tight, heard him try to whisper his name.

"I love you," Marluxia told him experimentally.

Axel never said it back, but he came, hard and sudden with a totally undignified moan, which was even better. Marluxia stilled until he stopped trembling beneath him, just gently rocking his hips against him.

"Holy, fucking _pharaoh,_" Axel groaned when he had regained the ability to speak, and Marluxia couldn't help the laughter bubbling out of him. "I mean, _holy_ son of a – Did you even come yet?!"

"No," he informed him. "Brace yourself."

Axel's eyes widened a fraction as Marluxia pulled out of him and flipped him over, deciding it was time for another change of positions. He wanted to kiss him; it had been so good before. It still was.

He drank Axel's moans and breath, and slid his tongue into his mouth while he continued fucking him; on his back, like he had wanted from the beginning. Why was it so good? Was it the cocaine? Or because he was so glad to have him back?

He felt possessive, and he tried holding off his release as long as he could, wanting to feel Axel's hands over his body, in his hair. His legs wrapping around him. His breath in his mouth. His fucking _insides,_ squeezing and rubbing him _so_ right. So right that it was getting impossible… all this heat, and _love_ or whatever it was, and Axel's hips thrusting up and forcing him back inside him when he tried to calm down. So unbearably hot, pressure building; skin burning and tingling until his hips bucked and spasmed uncontrollably and everything was lost in pleasure and liquid fire. He squeezed his eyes shut, not knowing what kind of noise he was making.

When he opened them again, Axel was watching him with a sly smirk on his face.

"Got you."

He smiled at him, unable and unwilling to hold it back. When had Axel become so beautiful? Hadn't he always been a little on the ugly side? He was fucking hot now, with his hair splayed in a bright red halo around his head, and his darkened eyes looking up at him. The green could almost not be seen, so huge were his pupils.

"Yeah. You got me."

They didn't say much for a while, because things were a little too fucking awesome to put into words. It was much more satisfying to just look into each others eyes, and touch and taste and smell each other. It was like some weird connection, a wormhole being opened into the other's soul, and Marluxia knew that their minds were in perfect harmony, every thought and emotion mirrored there in the depth of Axel's eyes. It was a beautiful thing.

It was definitely the cocaine.

X

Marluxia had a distinct memory of having fallen asleep tightly tangled up in Axel's arms after hours of kissing and cuddling, but sometime during the night they must have broken apart. Judging by the cold and still faint light filtering in from the shutters, it was early morning now, and Axel was lying curled up on his side, back turned against him and snoring lightly. His skin was pale and prickly, showing patterns of blue from the veins underneath.

It felt a little weird looking at him now, remembering what it had been like touching that skin just hours ago. How warm and smooth it had been. Now it was cold and a little bit clammy as Marluxia ran his finger along his spine.

The touch made Axel wake up with a dissatisfied groan, giving Marluxia a sour look over his shoulder.

"What are you doing?"

"Cuddling."

Axel made a face that was probably supposed to be some kind of wry smile, it was hard to tell. "You suck at it. Stop poking and hold me, or something."

_How sweet._

Still, Marluxia decided to oblige him and scooted closer, shaping himself after the curve of Axel's body and put his arm around him.

"Better like that?" he murmured into his ear.

Axel grunted something that at least didn't sound entirely unhappy and leaned back on him slightly.

"Tired?"

"Yes."

Marluxia was anything but tired himself. He didn't know what he was. Restless and strangely jittery. Bored. It was probably just a temporary chemical imbalance, but still, it was a really weird mood.

This day felt disturbingly much like any other morning after, when it should have been something else entirely; the day of new beginnings the fireworks had advertised in the skies last night. The day he had wished for all these months; when he would wake up and have Axel home.

"Are you happy?" he asked him, unable to keep quiet any longer.

Axel grunted. "Too fucking sober to be happy." A pause. "And sore. I'm not used to this anymore. Did you have to be so god-damned rough??"

Marluxia couldn't help smiling, and planted a little kiss on Axel's cheek. "Believe me, I did."

Axel turned to look at him, a small wrinkle between his eyebrows, and an expression on his face that was… Marluxia didn't know what it was. "You said you loved me. What was that about?"

_Wary. Hopeful?_ It was a guarded expression, as if Axel feared what the answer was going to be.

Marluxia toyed with lock of hair, watching him carefully. To be honest he wasn't sure what it had been about. It was probably wisest to not make a big deal out of it.

"Caught up in the moment, I guess."

"That's it?"

"I'm still not gay, if that's what you're wondering. Just glad you're home."

Axel rolled his eyes and flipped over on his back. He looked annoyed, but he didn't say anything more.

"What's wrong?"

Axel was silent for a moment, looking up at the ceiling while his jaws clenched.

"You can't fuck me like that and then say you love me when you don't mean it."

_Had he wanted him to mean it?_

Marluxia studied him, trying to decide the best course of action. Not making a big deal still seemed like the number one option, even though he _had_ kind of meant it, at least when he said it.

"Sorry," he said, doing his best to sound honest. "You know I _do_ love you, though? You're my best friend."

"Yeah, yeah. Likewise, I guess."

"Good." Then he poked Axel's side, smirking slightly. "I fucked you like _what,_ by the way?"

Axel tried to glare at him, but there was no edge to it and his cheeks darkened from a sudden blush. Now, _that_ was a rare thing to see.

"Just shut the fuck up, Marly."

"Like a sex god, perhaps?" Marluxia teased, ignoring him. "Did I make you see the light?"

Axel rolled his eyes again, giving out a reluctant chuckle.

"It was a freaking laser show. Fireworks and stars and the whole shebang." He stabbed a finger into Marluxia's ribs. "So what; you were just faking everything, weren't you?"

Marluxia felt mildly offended.

"I wasn't faking anything," he informed Axel, who eyed him uncertainly in response.

"Are you trying to make me feel better? Lies won't cut it."

"Is it so hard to believe I could actually enjoy sleeping with you? We've done it plenty of times."

"Yeah, but…" Axel fiddled with the comforter, frowning slightly. "It's no secret you're only doing it to be nice to me."

"I don't mind being nice to you once in a while. It's not like I suffer, or anything."

"I know. You just don't care."

The weird expression was back, and Marluxia didn't know what to do about it.

"What's with you? You liked it, I liked it; what's the problem?"

Axel kept his eyes downcast, and was silent for a long time before he answered.

"Nothing, I guess."

"Good."

Marluxia rolled over on his back, feeling that strange restlessness even stronger now. Axel was ruining everything with his weird attitude. But he should have expected it. The good mood yesterday had only been because of the cocaine, and without it Axel was still just a depressed suicide survivor.

He needed to get back into his old routines.

"The guys want to throw you a welcome back party," he told him. "That's something to look forward to… Everyone missed you, even Larxene. You'll practically be bathing in booze and drugs."

Axel groaned.

"That doesn't sound good to you?" Marluxia asked, starting to feel annoyed now.

"Not exactly." Axel turned his head to look him in the eyes. "Yesterday was really awesome and all, but I'm thinking… maybe I should try to stay off the drugs. I mean, I've been clean for so long now, and I'm feeling better, at least a little… I don't want it to go back to how it was before… You get it, right?"

Marluxia nodded. He got it, but he wasn't sure he liked it. Axel calming down was good, but he didn't want him to be _too_ calm. He had had enough of calm. He wanted his best friend, he wanted the partying and craziness, he wanted to fuck like yesterday. He wanted his life back. Everything was just so _boring_ without Axel.

"Take your time," he told him. "But you've been locked up for half a year; there's nothing wrong with living a little."

"Seems like I've got no other choice," Axel grumbled half under his breath and Marluxia glared at him.

"No, you don't."

Axel glared back; more than glared. He looked furious.

"You're such a fucking bitch, Marly!"

"Sue me."

A short stare down followed, which Marluxia won.

"The party is on Friday."

Axel just grunted in response, now refusing to look at him, and Marluxia was tempted to say something about exactly who in this room was being a bitch. But he didn't.

"This isn't just about the drugs, is it?"

Axel said nothing for a long time, and just when Marluxia had decided he was not going to answer and opened his mouth to repeat himself, it came.

"_Just look at me!"_ Axel snarled, sticking his scarred wrists up in the air. "I'm a freak show! Everyone will ask about it and be sympathetic and shit, and I just know I'll snap! _Why_ would anyone want to celebrate that I failed at killing myself?! I don't care if they mean well, it's fucking _sick!!!"_

Well, this Marluxia figured he could understand, watching the uneven, lumpy tissue crawling red along Axel's forearms. Few things were as annoying as unwanted sympathy and questions about sensitive subjects that people could not even begin to understand anyway. He leaned in and kissed the corner of Axel's mouth.

"How about this; you wear a long-sleeved shirt, I tell everyone you're fine, still an asshole and sympathy is only welcome in the form of blowjobs or beer?"

Axel seemed to consider this, and slowly his grumpy face melted away.

"Blowjobs or beer, huh? Maybe_ you_ could give me some sympathy right now."

Marluxia smiled sweetly.

"There's beer in the fridge. Would you like me to get one for you?"

X

Axel had only been home a couple of weeks before he moved into the house with Marluxia permanently, claiming that he couldn't stand watching his mother drink herself to death any longer. Marluxia accepted his explanation with a simple nod, even though he knew it was just part of the truth.

Apparently that had softened Axel somewhat, because he had looked at him for a long moment, and then admitted, _"She just won't let it rest."_

Marluxia nodded again. He well knew that Axel's mother couldn't quite handle his suicide attempt. She didn't understand why he'd done it, she didn't know if it would happen again, and if she'd had her way she would never have let Axel out of sight again.

Marluxia didn't know how many nights he'd been sitting up drinking with her, trying to explain that Axel had something of a drug problem and that maybe his relationship with Roxas had not been very healthy. It was like the information wouldn't stick.

_Axel have always been such a lively child, maybe a little hot-tempered, but mostly optimistic. Always smiling, laughing, joking… He's strong and always believed in himself, how could he..?_

It was perfectly understandable that she was worried, but it was probably the last thing Axel needed right now. He didn't want sympathy or worries, or any kind of reaction for that matter, and he absolutely hated talking about what had happened. He had started covering his arms at all times, hiding his scars from himself as much as others, Marluxia suspected, as if he wanted to pretend the suicide attempt had never happened. Any question or even mention of it made him fly off the handle. Actually, pretty much _everything_ made him fly off the handle. Post-suicide Axel was not an easy person to deal with.

The first few months he spent mostly in his room, lying on his bed and staring up at the ceiling. Marluxia had to spend hours nagging to get him to do anything. Except eat candy and smoke pot, which was about all he ever did. It was annoying for both of them, and it wasn't long before they started to argue almost daily. Sure, they'd had their disagreements in the past, but nothing like this. Most of the fights were about _money,_ of all things.

Axel was broke, and since he refused to lift a finger to change this status, Marluxia paid for _everything._ Not that he really minded; he had no bills after all, but it wasn't so great that Axel hardly spoke to him except when he wanted him to go out and buy something for him. Beer, pizza, candy, cigarettes. It was the attitude that bugged him, that angry challenge he could always see in Axel's eyes.

_You wanted me alive. Are you going to complain about it now? Aren't you happy, Marluxia?_

It frustrated him to no end. All he had ever wanted was to have his best friend back, but instead he got an ungrateful monster who expected him to take care of it. He thought about kicking him out, but he knew he would never do it. It was still Axel.

_Have I become Roxas now?_ he wondered sometimes. Waiting for someone to change when he should realize it was futile? It hurt thinking like that, and he told himself this was different. It was a test of friendship; Axel needed him now and he would just have to endure. Maybe later he would thank him, and then it would all be worth it.

_Listen to yourself,_ a contemptuous voice would snort in his head then. _Who needs who, exactly? You're being used and you know it. You're letting it happen because he's all you've got._

The voice was right, but Marluxia saw no way out of this stale mate. Axel was playing dirty, being the asshole that he was just because he could, and Marluxia's only choices were to let him or lose him.

Unless he started playing dirty too.

X

_Ah, there it was._

Marluxia pulled the crowbar out from underneath a couple of boxes in the broom closet and swung it through the air a couple of times to get used to it. It was long time since he'd last done anything like this, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

He walked down the hall to Axel's door, and a moment he stood outside it wondering if he should knock or not, before he realized just how absurd that thought was.

_Fuck it._

He swung the door open and entered.

"What the f-!"

_CRASH. _

Marluxia banged the crowbar into the wall, leaving a good-sized dent in it, and effectively shut Axel up. He met his eyes.

"Get dressed. We're going out."

"What the hell?! I'm not going anywhere!"

Marluxia swung the crowbar down on the stereo, sending buttons and pieces of plastic flying over the room.

"Whoa! What are you _doing??!_ You're fucking insane!"

"Yeah, I am. Get dressed."

Axel stared at him.

"NOW, damn it!!!" Marluxia shouted, smacking the wall again right through Axel's favourite poster which also happened to be close to his head. Then he aimed for his CD collection.

"Alright, _alright!_ Stop!!"

Marluxia turned to look at him. "You've got twenty minutes."

He went back out in the hall and waited by the door until it opened again maybe fifteen minutes later. Axel had not only put some clothes on, he had also combed his hair and put it up in a ponytail; even applied some makeup.

"Much better," Marluxia said and smiled at him. Seemed like he didn't need the crowbar anymore.

"You broke my stereo," Axel muttered.

Marluxia just shrugged. "I might get you a new one."

Axel scowled at him. "How _nice_ of you. Where are we going?"

"To my room. We'll do some E, then we'll go out clubbing and then we can go home and fuck all night if you want."

Axel made an exasperated sound and crossed his arms. Marluxia kissed him.

"You'll like it."

Axel frowned and crossed his arms, then seemed to give up and dropped them to his sides again.

"I know I will…" he sighed. "What the hell is this; some kind of one-man good cop, bad cop thing?"

Marluxia smirked and smacked Axel's butt with the crowbar. "Exactly. I think you'll prefer the good cop."

X

Another win for the unbeatable combination of sex and drugs (and slight threats of violence). And as Marluxia had suspected, once the ball was rolling again there was no stopping it.

At first it was good. They stopped arguing and did things together again. Concerts, clubs, parties. Axel was still a little out of shape and easily lost his temper, so he preferred Marluxia's company over other people, which was fine. Marluxia wanted to be with him.

Maybe they slept together more than usual, and maybe Marluxia had to work harder to provide them both with drugs and living, but he could manage. He remembered what Axel had said about being used in the hospital, and he didn't want him to have to do things like that again if that was how he felt about it.

Strangely he started doing it anyway.

Not actually making any money, of course. Sleeping with that guy because he shared his amphetamine with his lovers. A blowjob for a couple of beers in the pub, a pack of cigarettes. Marluxia just didn't know what to think about it. Well, he knew it pissed him off, because here he was working his ass off just so Axel wouldn't have to do that sort of thing. It made no sense, and for the first time in his life he found himself wondering if Axel wasn't just a stupid, disgusting slut after all. Once he even brought some guy back to the house, and Marluxia was almost about to burst a blood vessel in his anger. If there was one sacred rule of the house, it was to not bring strangers there.

They had a big fight about it, and after that it seemed like another ball had started rolling. The arguing was back, and now it was about _everything._ Whose turn it was to take out the trash, which band was better, who took the last cigarette, whose _hair_ looked more stupid.

"_You're like an old, married couple,"_ their friends would comment, while chuckling and rolling their eyes.

On the surface it probably didn't seem that serious, but both Marluxia and Axel knew that something between them had changed, and not to the better.

X

"I'm leaving, Marluxia," Axel told him one Wednesday night.

The use of his real name made Marluxia turn. It was always Marly, Marvellous, Mary Jane, Marlene or _Marshmallow_ or whatever stupid nickname Axel felt like pulling out of his ass; never simply Marluxia, not even when he was mad.

Not that he sounded mad. He sounded calm, and he was sitting leaned back on one of the couches in what served as their living room, arms crossed over his chest and his face serious but otherwise expressionless.

"What?"

"I'm going to leave. Somewhere sunny, with beaches, umbrella drinks and hot guys in Speedos… I've had enough of this place."

Marluxia frowned.

"Like a vacation?" he asked, trying to wrap his head around what the strange vibe Axel was giving out meant. It didn't feel outright hostile; more like tense. "Could be a good idea… Can I come too? I think I have a pair of Speedos…" he tried to smile, but Axel's face remained serious.

"It's not a vacation. And you can't come."

Marluxia blinked.

"Why not?"

"Because," Axel said, heat entering his voice, "I'm _leaving_. Moving out, probably for good. I've had enough; I just can't live like this any longer. Either I change, or I'm going to go and jump off Menelflor Bridge."

"That's not funny."

"Wasn't meant to be." He stood up. "I've already packed my stuff into boxes. Tomorrow Xaldin's coming over to help me lug out the furniture. I'm taking this couch." He patted the armrest, still holding Marluxia's gaze.

"Are you fucking joking?!!"

"No. You'll be living here on your own from tomorrow on."

"_What?_ You're not making any sense. Are you high?"

"No, I'm not high!" Axel stared him right in the eyes, cleary annoyed now. "Pay some fucking attention! _I'm leaving_. As in moving out. Away. I need to try to start something new, or I'm going to kill myself."

Marluxia couldn't look away. He could hear what Axel was saying, but he couldn't understand it. _Away?_

"You're… leaving?" He didn't recognize his own voice. Axel just nodded, still not looking away.

"Leaving _town?_"

Another nod.

"Alone? _Tomorrow?!_"

"That's what I said."

How could he be so calm saying this? There had to be something wrong, some reason he was doing this that Marluxia couldn't see.

"Wha… Are you coming back?!"

"Maybe in a couple of years. To see mom. I don't know yet."

_To see mom. _

"What… what about us?"

Axel rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, as if he thought he was making an effort to be patient.

"There's not going to be an 'us', whatever you mean by that. I'm cutting all ties. New phone number, and I'm not going to give it to anyone. I won't tell anyone where I'm going either, so don't bother asking. I'm going to start something new."

"Axel…" Marluxia felt like he had been punched, like his lungs had compressed and wouldn't fill with air, as it started to sink in what all this meant.

"I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is."

"When did you decide this?! Why didn't you say something??"

"Because I knew you'd be a fucking drama queen about it! I've been thinking it all along."

"But _why?!!_"

"Because I just can't do it! You _know_ I can't! How many times have you told me I'm going to end up dead in the gutter?"

Marluxia stared at him helplessly. "If you just _controlled_ yourself-"

"But I _can't_ control myself!!"

"I could help-"

"NO! You _can't,_ Marly!! Ever heard of the blind leading the blind? I'm sorry, but you're just fucked up. Everyone I know is. You, mom, _everyone!_ I… I just don't need that." His voice faltered slightly, but Marluxia barely noticed. Something had snapped inside him, something essential. He was sure he was going to die.

"_Fucked up..?_" he breathed.

"Yeah!!! Fucked up! You're like a zombie and the only thing you care about is getting high. God damn it, you _must _know there is something profoundly, fucking wrong with letting guys fuck you for money after your father raped you half your life! Why don't you just go to your parents' house and punch him in the face?! Beat the fucking shit out of him! I'll fucking do it for you, if you want..! It would be a lot healthier than just letting people use you. Do you think you're going to figure something out, or what?! I just don't fucking get it!!!"

"_Clearly_ you don't!" The air was back in Marluxia's lungs, and his blood rushed through his veins at speeds that couldn't be healthy. He was going to die. "Not a WORD about my father, you _unbelievable_ bastard! Do you think you're any better?! You use me too! I don't know why. You're my best friend, you shouldn't want to, just like my father shouldn't want to, _BUT YOU DO!!!_"

Axel's mouth had fallen open, and he stared at him like he had never seen him before.

"Is… do you really feel that way? I _use _you?"

"Don't you?"

"I… I just think you're fucking hot. And you never complained. Wow, this is…"

"Fucked up?" Marluxia filled in. "You think there's something wrong with me, and now you're just going to leave me behind."

He almost started laughing. He had wished Axel would learn to leave his troubles behind, but little had he known that _he_ was considered one of them. Was that funny? Any time now his heart was going to stop beating.

"Damn it, don't say it like that! _You_ saved my fucking life, and now I'm… I just want to try to live it!"

"Without me."

Axel's eyes narrowed. "Is there a choice? You think your life is peachy and that mine would be too if I just changed my attitude. Don't deny it. All you do is trying to change things back to how they were before, but I've got news for you; you don't _own _me just because you pulled me out of that tub."

They stared at each other. It was just a moment, but Marluxia felt something tremble in his gut and he got the vague feeling that the room was spinning; dissolving. An image flashed in his mind, of him and Axel standing frozen in time, while the rest of the world swirled by them at unfathomable speeds. Wasn't that how it was, the order of the universe? Bodies in motion, spinning. The moon revolving around the Earth, and the Earth around itself and the sun.

Just that much was enough to make you dizzy, but then there were all the other stars and solar systems circling some unknown centre of the galaxy, which in turn orbited some even more unimaginable middle of the universe. All spinning, spinning, spinning; faster than you could blink.

It was horrible to think about. And Axel's eyes were horrible to look at. For the first time it occurred to him how unnatural they looked, too green for his pale skin, just like his hair was too red.

"_I should have left you to die."_

It was a toneless voice that kind of sounded like his own that said it, and Marluxia almost agreed with it. Maybe he would already be over losing his best friend if… he had just… _left him. If Axel had died like in the Nightmare._

Then he would never have had to find out that he had been right all along. That there was nothing about him to like, no secret quality that only Axel's eyes could see, just pretty wrappings over an empty box. Axel had just been slow in figuring out.

Why wasn't he dead yet?

Axel's horrible eyes kept staring at him, while his face morphed into strange, grotesque expressions. Was he seeing things? There were sounds too; whimpering, keening. _Sobs..?_

"_Fuck you, Marly! I wish I never met you._"

Axel was gone from his sight, storming off to his room, and the known universe was spinning out of control. Marluxia somehow made it to his own room and ate pills until he couldn't think.

X

When he woke up he still wasn't dead. The spinning had stopped, though, and in its place was calm, spawned from his complete lack of emotions.

He could hear scuffling out in the hall, and when he went out to look, he saw that it came from Xaldin and Axel trying to manoeuvre Axel's bed frame out of his room.

"Are you going to leave today? For good?" His voice didn't even waver, and Axel looked at him a little strangely. His eyes looked normal again.

"No," he answered after a moment. "The stuff's going into storage, and I'm going to live with Demyx for a while. Until I figure out where I'll move."

His tone was harsh, and he was obviously trying to pick a fight, but Marluxia found that he didn't really care and gave an acknowledging nod of his head.

Demyx would be considered normal. Good-natured, without any addictions and self-destructive habits (if you didn't count his absolute obsession with his music as that). Definitely not fucked up.

"Are you going to help with this?" Xaldin grunted, nodding his head at Marluxia and throwing his long, black dreads back over his shoulder.

"I don't think he wants to," Axel answered for him.

He was right. Marluxia was okay with _watching_, but he didn't want to _help_ Axel move out of his life.

Xaldin grunted again. "Like _I_ want to carry this stuff for you. You should have asked someone more to come, with your good-for-nothing spaghetti arms. Let's get this down the stairs."

They kept on carrying out Axel's possessions for about an hour, loading them into Xaldin's van parked at the backside, and all the while Marluxia said nothing. Not even when Axel jumped into the passenger seat and stared at him through the window could he think of anything to say.

Axel was speechless too (for once), but it wasn't surprising after what they had said to each other yesterday. Xaldin's car window was down, but it still felt like a vast rift was opening between them, and there wasn't much left to do but stare at each other.

"We done here?" Xaldin barked impatiently, and Axel nodded slowly.

"Good. See you around, Marly."

Axel still said nothing. Then they drove off, and Marluxia was on his own.

His and Axel's friendship had started _in_ a ruin, so it was kind of fitting that it had ended _as_ one. Marluxia wondered lazily if that was some kind of truth:

_What starts in ruins, must end in ruins._

Maybe it was poetry. _Poetic justice._

He spent the rest of the day grooming his plants, not feeling anything in particular except for a strange, empty numbness. It was nice in a way; peaceful, but also a little bit unnerving. His best friend had just walked out of his life after telling him he was fucked up and that he regretted ever meeting him. Surely there should be pain, or tears, or anger or fucking _anything._ Axel had been the most important thing in his life. But he was calm, going about his business as usual.

Maybe he had finally lost all connection with his feelings. He hoped so. It made him feel strong; confident that he could survive this, floating through the rest of his days embedded in this calm. Maybe he had finally found himself again, after being led astray by false illusions of friendship so long. Hadn't he always suspected that it would end like this? Now he knew, and in knowledge was strength.

He couldn't quite relax though, and he spent the night staring blindly into the ceiling until the early hours of dawn.

Somehow he just knew that if he closed his eyes, the Nightmare would be back.

X

* * *

_Drama llamas running wild! Took me much longer than I thought getting this one out, sorry about that! Anyway, this was the last part of Marluxia's story, so next chapter you'll finally see what Riku and Axel have been up to… (and I suppose you can all guess who'll also be making an appearance ;-))_


	15. Mirage

_Wham! Another update!!! Bet you weren't expecting that... :-)_

_I'm on a roll today, but I can't seem to write a decent summary, so you only get a little reminder:_

_When we last saw Riku, he broke into Axel's apartment after a fit of paranoia, only to find out that he had packed up his things and left. Bravely Riku decides to go after him!  
_

_...Okay, I'll throw in a timeline too..._

_Sunday: Riku punches Axel in the face and breaks up with him_

_Monday-Thursday: Riku is too cool for school and ignores Axel_

_Friday: Riku breaks into Axel's apartment. He also finds Roxas' letter and gets an angry phone call from his mother._

* * *

**Mirage**

X

_Something was wrong. Axel could feel it in his entire body as he tried to focus his gaze on the unfamiliar surroundings. His limbs were heavy, there was cotton in his head, and he was blind. Half-blind… Everything was hazed and blurry; darkness streaked with orange. And there was weight, weight on his shoulder and over his chest. He opened his mouth with some trouble, as his lips seemed to have dried together, and drew a ragged breath._

_The world cleared a little._

_Couch. Demyx' couch, he suddenly remembered. That was where he was. Or where he should be. He couldn't be sure… It was so hard to see, and his eyes wanted to fall shut again. Why couldn't he remember going to sleep? Was it night?_

_He forced his eyes open to the dark blur all around him. That must be it; it was night and he wasn't blind. Relaxed, he let his head fall back, comforted by a warm wind blowing over his neck. It came at regular intervals, flowing soft and soothingly over his skin. Strange, but he decided he liked it and let his mind sink further into the cotton._

_Then the weight over his chest shifted and Axel unsuccessfully tried to move away from it, suddenly filled with confused fear. Not wind, a person! Someone was lying beside him, breathing down his neck. He turned his head, trying to make out who it could be in the darkness. Someone he had dragged home from the club? But he couldn't even remember going out… Everything was so blurry._

_He squinted, trying to focus his eyes on the vague shape beside him, dimly lit by a streetlight outside the window. The orange glow sucked the colour out of everything, but he could make out pale tangles of long hair falling over broad shoulders and a strong arm slung around him. Was it..?_

_It must be. He held his breath and stared at the smooth skin of a perfectly sculpted cheekbone, fascinated by the shadows cast over it by sensually curved eyelashes. It looked almost surreal to his strained vision, and he thought that maybe he was dreaming this._

_But he smelled right, and the contour of his body sure seemed real. Axel trailed his hand along his side, feeling faint warmth radiate through the shirt he was wearing. But he was so beautiful; almost unearthly. _

_Definitely too good to be true…_

_The cotton rose up, shrouding him in layer after layer of soft wrappings that muted the sounds, and slowly the world slipped away from his awareness._

_Axel slept._

X

There was a storm brewing over Destiny Islands. Fierce winds had been ripping through the palm trees the whole day while dark clouds massed threateningly at the horizon. Riku had thought that his flight would be cancelled and had almost felt something like relief, but the skies had remained calm long enough for the plane to take off. He gripped the armrests tightly as they shot through the clouds and swallowed repeatedly to release the pressure in his eardrums as well as ease his nerves. There was no turning back now.

Yesterday, when he had made his decision to go after Axel, he had been lucky enough to find that there was a flight leaving for Menelflor the next day. He had booked a ticket on it immediately, and not told anyone about his plans to leave until the very last minute (about thirty minutes ago), afraid that any critique to his somewhat rash decision would weaken his resolve. It seemed like he had been right to do so, as the doubts were already starting to eat away at him.

His parents had been both furious and concerned, alternating between begging, threatening and ordering him to reconsider, which of course had only made him even more stubborn about his decision, at least initially. Riku hated to admit it, but the arguments they had presented made uncomfortably much sense. And when he had called and told Sora, he had gotten another earful of what an insane idea it was to leave; his friend using almost exactly the same reasoning as his parents (though more nicely phrased). Ultimately, Sora had given in and told him to do what he thought he had to do, and that he would try to calm his parents down if he could.

_Just keep me posted, okay Riku?_

He sighed, feeling a little better as the plane finally pushed through the thick layer of clouds and sunlight shone in through the small window by his seat. Maybe he couldn't really afford this trip, and maybe he didn't know where he was going to stay or exactly where Axel was (or if Axel would even want to see him, as he still kept his phone turned off), but it was too late for regrets now when he was already on his way. There were always hotels, and even if he didn't find Axel, it would still be nice to just get a break from everything and see something new.

Thanks to Roxas and the wonders of the internet, he had Axel's mother's address, and that would be his first stop. Maybe if he met her in person, she'd be more willing to help him than she had been over the phone... All he had learned was that Axel had in fact visited her a few days ago, but then left to stay with one of his friends instead. Who that friend was she would not say.

Not that Riku could blame her. Apparently Axel sported quite a bruise on his face and had told his mother who was responsible for it, and now Riku equalled abusive bastard to her. She had told him to stay away from her son and then hung up on him.

He sighed again. He could only hope that if she met him and saw that he wasn't some thug, she would accept his apology... It was hard to think of anything to say, though. What did Axel's mother care if his feelings had been hurt? It still wasn't a good reason to hit someone, and mothers tended to need _very_ good reasons to accept anyone hurting their children.

He was also worried about what kind of friend Axel was staying with. Roxas had talked about someone called Marly; a weird, scary junkie that Axel had used to live with occasionally and apparently considered to be his best friend. Riku had never heard Axel mention anyone named Marly, and he couldn't help but wondering why. Were they really just friends, or were they the kind of friends he and Axel had been? He guessed he couldn't really say anything about that, since he kind of broke up with him, but it still hurt to think about.

According to Roxas, this _Marly_ was very good-looking.

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and stared out the window. Considering Axel's other coping mechanisms were drugs and suicide, he should probably be glad if he was just screwing someone.

He couldn't really think so though, and as he watched the billowing clouds below he decided again that he was doing the right thing. Trying to find Axel was much better than staying home in bed another week, worried and restless. He doubted his parents would let him anyway... They would probably wake him in the mornings and drive him to school themselves if necessary; they tended to do things like that when they thought they were doing "the right thing", and never mind what Riku thought about the matter. You would have thought that kind of self-righteous overprotectiveness would ease up once he turned eighteen, but no such luck apparently. He had tried telling then that he wasn't some little kid that couldn't manage on his own, but they only said that if he was so mature, he would be paying more attention to his studies and not run off on some headless mission to find a boy that clearly didn't want to be found.

He scowled.

He didn't _care_ if Axel wanted to be found or not, he would find him anyway and demand an explanation from him. And if he was doing drugs or some other stupid thing, Riku would knock him out again and drag him back home by force if necessary.

X

When Axel woke up, he was blinded by daylight flooding his face from the window, and he groaned, closed his eyes again and rolled over, trying to get away from it. Of course he landed on the injured part of his face so that his eyebrow pressed painfully into the armrest of the couch. He whined a quiet curse and wrapped his arms about himself.

_Why_ did everything have to be so fucking miserable? Headaches and heartaches and brightness like from some god-damned blowtorch… If there was going to be sunlight, couldn't it at least be warm? He was wrapped in a blanket, but he was still freezing and he just wanted to go back to sleep. Today was already showing all signs of being just as shitty as yesterday.

That was when he remembered his "dream" and he snapped his eyes open.

_Riku!_

Sitting up with a jerky motion, he squinted to the spot beside him where his blurred memory told him he had been lying, but there was no one there.

_Fuck, what..?_

Had he really just dreamt it? A heavy feeling of disappointment settled over his heart, as he realized he probably had. He was in Menelflor, in Demyx' apartment, and Riku was hundreds of miles away, on Destiny Islands. Probably hating his guts.

He lay back down and tried to push Riku out of his mind, deciding that the dream must have been some kind of drunken hallucination. Fucking worthless hallucination too. If he was going to start having dreams about Riku, couldn't they at the very least be sexy dreams? Not romantic shit about his _eyelashes._

Damn all these feelings! Why hadn't he stayed away from Riku when he _knew_ this would happen? He could even remember thinking something about watching out so he wouldn't fall in love that first morning when Riku helped him move in.

He never learned; that was his problem. And now he was being punished for it.

What he needed was a drink. Or a smoke… Good thing Demyx always kept a healthy supply of pot at home. He sat up again, about to go up and shake some life into his friend, when he suddenly heard his voice drifting out from the kitchen. He froze.

_Who was he talking to?_

He listened intently, and made a wry grimace as he heard a second person reply to whatever Demyx had been babbling about. He recognized that voice, and his day had just become even shittier. _Marluxia._

What the fuck was _he_ doing here? It couldn't have been fucking _Marly_ that had slept beside him, could it? Why would he do that? And why would Demyx even let him in when he knew Axel didn't want to see him?

Had he come up with some brain-dead idea of trying to make them friends again? As if Axel didn't already have enough shit to worry about _without_ the subtle mindfuckery and endless sexual frustration that any kind of interaction with Marly was sure to bring.

Suddenly angry and with every intention of murdering Demyx, he flung the blanket aside and stormed into the kitchen, only to stop dead at the doorstep, mind going completely blank.

Marly _was_ there, sitting cross-legged by the table twirling a strand of pinkish hair between long, delicate fingers while he read the newspaper over Demyx' shoulder. He was wearing those same leopard tights that never failed to drive Axel crazy, and they still looked gorgeous on him although worn-out and patched up. Demyx looked plain in comparison, when in reality he was anything but. Blue-eyed, sand-blond and slightly edgy-looking thanks to his weird haircut, which was a combination of a mullet and a mohawk (a 'mulhawk' he called it, and Axel had nearly died laughing when he very seriously argumented for its awesomeness).

But neither man was the reason why Axel suddenly found himself struggling for his breath.

It was _Riku._

For a moment Axel thought he was hallucinating again, but after blinking several times, he realized Riku really _was_ there, sitting by the table looking sad and pale, nervously cradling a cup of coffee in his hands. And he was looking up at him, seemingly startled by Axel's stomping arrival, because his eyes were...

_Shit._

Light were hitting them from the window, almost making them glow with that deep sea-green colour as they stared widely at him across the room, and Axel's heart was suddenly racing and something stirred in the pit of his stomach. He wanted to cry.

Damn his soul if it wasn't the fucking _butterflies!_

He sucked in a ragged breath that seemed to contain no oxygen at all, and croaked out the only thing his brain was able to conjure up: a weak, awkward 'hey'.

He saw Riku's chest heave from also drawing a heavy breath, lips parting slightly. "Hey," he echoed faintly.

_Absolutely unreal._

"Aren't you supposed to be in school?" Axel blurted out and immediately wanted to smack himself for saying something so completely retarded. But he couldn't wrap his head around this – Riku, having coffee with a madly grinning Demyx and glaring Marly in a rundown apartment in Menelflor. It made no sense. None whatsoever.

"It's Sunday, Axel," he thought he heard Demyx comment, amusement evident in his voice.

He fixed him with an angry glare, but was secretly relieved that he was being annoying so he got a chance to let out some steam.

"I know what day it is!" he snarled.

"Sure you do." Demyx actually _winked_ at him, obviously still amused. It wasn't too strange; Demyx had heard enough rants about Riku over the past few days to probably give him a pretty good idea of what kind of chaos the sight of him brought down on Axel. "Sit down and have some coffee; you look like you could need it."

Axel might have accepted his suggestion if it wasn't for Marly's fucking smirk. He could take Demyx having a bit of fun about his impending nervous breakdown; could even realize that there was a bit of humour in the situation (even if he couldn't appreciate it himself); he probably looked pretty funny in his current state: half-dressed, dirty, battered and completely stunned with surprise. The thing was that Demyx was having fun at him in a fond sort of way, while Marly's expression just told him what an utterly pathetic loser he thought he was. It was hard to see anything even remotely funny about that, especially when he was right.

So he snapped.

"_I don't want your fucking coffee!_ What the hell is Riku doing here??! Why am I sleeping when he is here??! Get the fuck out, both of you! Can't you see we want to be alone?!!"

Demyx flinched slightly at his outburst, but Marly just looked back at him, contempt clearly written all over his pretty face. "As pleasant as ever," he commented lazily, not moving a muscle. "I don't even get a 'hello' and you're actually telling Demyx to get the fuck out of his own kitchen... Some people would call that _rude._"

Then came that insufferable smirk again, and Axel clenched his teeth, trying to stare a hole through Marly's head, but he already knew it would have no effect. Marly had never cared about his angry outbursts, which was something Axel had appreciated on many occasions, but at the moment just annoyed the hell out of him.

"Don't be like that," Demyx mumbled, rising from his chair and tugging at Marly's arm. "_I'm_ telling you to get the fuck out of my kitchen, happy now?"

"Whatever." Marly let himself be led out, throwing a last icy glare at Axel before he turned his back on him.

Axel let out a frustrated breath and turned back to Riku, startled to see tears welling up in his eyes. His mind blanked again.

Maybe he had been a little (more than a little, actually) mad at Riku for hitting him and ignoring him, and maybe there had been a small, malicious part of him that had hoped he was miserable without him, but all of that was suddenly forgotten. Even his anger at Marly was just completely washed away, and all it took was a single tear rolling down Riku's cheek.

Some part of his brain registered that this was bad; another sign that Riku was becoming way too important, but clearly it wasn't a very influential part, since his heart and body didn't give a shit about it.

He closed the distance between them, and bent over Riku, awkwardly wrapping him up in his arms. Maybe he shouldn't have been yelling like that.

"Don't cry, baby," he whispered into his hair. "I'm so fucking glad to see you… I can't believe you're here. Why are you here?"

Riku was still holding his coffee mug, so he didn't return the embrace (at least Axel hoped that was why) but he _did_ lean his head against Axel's shoulder, taking a sniffling breath.

"I was worried about you," he said, and Axel winced from the underlying anger in his voice. "Why did you leave?! And why have you turned your phone off? I thought you wanted to talk to me!"

Axel suppressed a miserable sigh. Just because Riku had somehow managed to find out where he was and come after him, it clearly didn't mean that he had forgiven him.

"I… didn't think you wanted to talk to _me,_" he stammered, deciding that the phone part was easiest to answer. "Turning it off is better than waiting for calls that never come… And I was afraid they were going to call from work; I, uh… I didn't show up this week."

"I know." Riku sniffled again and leaned away from him, wiping at his eyes with one hand. "I'm supposed to tell you you're fired."

"Oh…" Axel let go of him and took a step back, not really knowing what to feel about the news. He had kind of expected it, and he had grown to hate his job over just one week, but still… he had nurtured some vague idea of maybe coming back and fixing everything by providing a lie about having to go see his mother on her deathbed, or something. "Did you talk to them, or what?"

"Yeah," Riku answered in clipped tones.

Axel nodded, too confused to question the reason why Riku would be talking to his employers. Nothing made sense anyway.

"At least you are here," he whispered, not really knowing if he was talking to Riku or himself.

Riku put his coffee cup away with something of a slam, and glared at him.

"That won't get you your job back! What were you _thinking_ running away like that?! You don't just _disappear_ without telling people where you're going!"

Axel stared at him incredulously, wondering what the hell was going on. Was Riku really going to be bitching about him losing his job? _Now?!? _Was that why he was here? To tell him he was fired?!!?

"Fuck off!" he snarled. "It was just a lowlife toilet-cleaning job anyway, and it was _you_ who nearly caved my skull in! Maybe I didn't feel like working when it felt like my head would fall off." And more importantly, when it felt like his heart was going to break, but he didn't tell Riku that. "What was I going to do; call work and tell them I can't come today, because my boyfriend punched me in the face?!"

Riku turned his head down, looking hurt or maybe regretful. "You could have called in sick," he mumbled. "And maybe you could have let _me _know you were leaving…"

So that was what this was about.

"Why would I?" Axel was growling now, but he didn't care. _We're through, _Riku said, and then he fucking _punched_ him. There was that box, and then that entire, desperate day of messages left unanswered. "You made it perfectly clear you didn't want anything to do with me."

Riku glared at him. "Maybe I was just too upset to deal with you right away! You could at least have given me a couple of days!"

"Yeah, because I'm known for my patience!! You could at least have listened to me! Instead you hit me, and when I lie there passed out and bleeding, you just walk away, and then _nothing_." He looked away, his eyes suddenly stinging and his throat constricting painfully. "Like I'm nothing."

_God_, what was he doing? He was totally losing control here… He didn't want to argue. He wanted to throw himself into Riku's arms and just make out until the world ended if anything, but… _Jesus, fuck._ These thoughts needed to end, right now.

"Are you surprised?!" Riku snapped angrily. "Why would I want to listen to anything you have to say when you obviously can't be trusted? And don't cry, damn it!!"

Axel wiped at his eyes and glared at him. He was _not_ crying!

"If I'm so worthless, why are you even here?" he snarled in answer, glaring at Riku until he turned his head away.

"Didn't I just say I was worried?" he murmured. "I wanted to see that you were alright."

Axel frowned. "I'm _fine_. Are you going back home now when that's established?"

"Do you want me to?"

Axel shot him a pointed look. "I want to throw you on your back and fuck you."

That wasn't entirely true, but it had the desired effect, as Riku was momentarily dumbstruck, then blushed and crossed his arms over his chest defensively.

"All you get to do is explain yourself. Then I'm going home."

"No way am I explaining anything if it's just going to make you leave," Axel muttered and wrapped his arms about himself. He knew he was being childish, and Riku rolled his eyes at him, but he didn't care. "…I love you."

There was a moment of complete silence after that, before they both realized what he had just said.

Riku's mouth fell open.

Axel's snapped shut.

Oh, _shit._

Riku's expression remained wide-eyed and disbelieving for a few moments longer, but then his eyebrows shot up, only to draw together as his eyes darkened dangerously.

"_No._"

He suddenly stood up with his fists closed at his sides, and Axel involuntarily took a step backwards, wishing with every fiber of his being that he would just have kept his mouth shut.

Riku took a step towards him.

"You don't get to say that! _Don't you fucking dare say that!!_"

"Alright, alright… I get it, sorry…" Axel backed a step further away, uncomfortably reminded that Riku could easily beat him into a pulp if he felt like it. He certainly looked like he wouldn't mind, and the raw fury in his voice was scary.

_Why_ had he said that? He sure hadn't meant to.

_Maybe_, a little voice in his head bravely piped up,_ you said it because it's true._

_No, it isn't! _he snapped at it, and then out loud, to Riku, he added, "Just what the hell do you want me to say, anyway?"

Riku gave an aggravated shake of his head, his fists trembling. "I don't know. I just... What the hell are we talking about? _Shit._ I can't stand this. I'm going out." And just like that, he brushed past Axel, heading for the hallway with determined strides.

Which was _not_ good.

"Wait!" Axel shouted, rushing after him. "You can't come here and then just leave!! Where are you going?!" He wanted to grab Riku's arm to stop him, but remembering what happened last time he tried to do that, he didn't dare.

"Don't go," he begged instead, desperately trying to think of something to say, as Riku stopped by the door to put on his shoes. "I'm sorry I said that. I'm... I just… I've missed you. A lot. Can I say that?? I don't want to fight; I'll shut up and you can talk all you want, just don't leave…"

Riku looked up at him, his angry expression softening somewhat when he saw the no doubt panicked look on Axel's face. "I'll come back. I just need to… Take a shower in the meantime or something. You look terrible." He reached out as if to touch him, but then hesitated and retracted his hand. "Bye."

This time Axel did grab his arm.

"Promise you'll come back," he pleaded hoarsely.

Riku was still for a moment, but then nodded.

"I promise."

His eyes seemed sincere, so Axel saw nothing else to do but release his arm and let him go.

"I guess I'll be waiting, then…"

He was stared down at his feet, thoroughly confused and miserable, then suddenly Riku was there in his space, his hand roughly catching the back of his neck and pulling his head down. Then his mouth was over his, teeth and tongue pulling at his lips, and Axel didn't even have time to understand if he was being attacked or kissed before it was already over.

Riku held his gaze for a moment longer and the he left, leaving Axel to helplessly stare after him.

He felt like he had just been in a car crash, one where you lost control, had a few rollovers, but then somehow found yourself back on your wheels on the road again, wondering what the hell happened.

Did Riku just kiss him? And did he just tell Riku he loved him???

Was _any_ of this real? Or was he still dreaming? Somehow a huge chunk of his memory from last night seemed to be missing. Had he already met Riku but been too wasted to remember? As far as he knew, he had only had a couple of beers to drink… Well, maybe more than a couple, but there must have been something more. That memory he had of Riku sleeping next to him was so oddly blurred and hazy... He didn't like this at all. What if he had said something, _done_ something..?

He had been arguing with Demyx last night, he was sure about that much. But that was because Demyx had refused to go see his dealer for something more… _potent_ than pot, and as far as he could remember, he hadn't been able to make him change his mind, not even when he threatened to smash his guitar. So where did this hole in his brain come from?

And where did Marly fit into the picture?

He clasped a hand over his forehead, struck by another one of the headaches that had plagued him ever since Riku hit him, and wandered back to the living room where he knew Demyx and Marly would have been eavesdropping to his and Riku's conversation. If it could be called a conversation.

He tried to take deep breaths, count to ten to make the world slow down. He was barely even awake yet; it was too early to be dealing with shit like this. What time was it, anyway?

As expected, Demyx stood leaned against the wall close to the hallway entrance, apparently waiting for him, and as soon Axel came in sight he was all over him with questions.

"What happened? Did he leave again? What was all that shouting about? You didn't say something stupid, did you?!"

"No, I... Or yes… I always do." Axel hung his head. "Why the hell are you asking anyway, we both know you heard everything... At least he said he'd be back... And I think he kissed me." He looked up again and sought out Demyx' eyes. "What did I miss?" he asked him helplessly. "I don't remember anything from last night... _How_ is he here?"

Demyx shrugged, giving him a bright smile. "Don't worry; you didn't miss much. You were asleep when Marly showed up with him yesterday night. I let them in because I figured you would kill me if I had kicked out _The Amazing Riku._" He rolled his eyes and chuckled slightly, but Axel was not amused.

He turned his gaze to Marluxia, now lying lazily sprawled out on the couch and watching him with an expression of utter indifference. Axel frowned uncertainly at him. "He came with _you?_"

Marly made a bored eyeroll and looked like he was just going to ignore his question, but then he shrugged.

"Yeah. He came to my place, claiming he was your boyfriend and that your mom had given him the address. Apparently he thought you were staying with me." He paused and snorted. "_That_ would be the day… Anyway, I figured Demyx would still be the only one stupid enough to let you mooch off his food and apartment, and sure enough, here you are." He ignored Demyx' offended pout and shrugged again, then something angry passed over his features and his eyes dug sharply into Axel's. "You don't have to _thank_ me, or anything."

Axel gritted his teeth, glaring back. He wasn't going to thank Marly for _anything_, and he was about to tell him as much when something finally registered in his mind.

"Wait… He talked to my_ mom?!?_"

Marly shrugged, again looking bored. "That's what he said."

Axel groaned and rubbed his forehead. He could only hope his mother had been sober enough to form coherent sentences… but it couldn't have been that bad if she had actually managed to find Marly's address, right? He didn't even know she had it, Marly was kind of… _careful_ with giving it out. He swallowed.

_Careful, yeah…_ More like paranoid bordering on the extreme. Maybe he should actually be more worried that Riku had met _Marly_ than his mother… No, scratch that. He should _definitely _be more worried.

"What have you told him about me?" he asked his former best friend warily.

"Hell if I remember," was all Marly answered. "Can't have been too bad if he still wanted to kiss you, right?"

Axel growled in frustration and turned to Demyx instead, but he just shook his head and threw up his arms in a sign that he had no idea. "Whatever," he sighed. "Dem, I'll be borrowing your shower for a while."

"About time," Demyx replied, and smiled disarmingly when Axel glared at him. "What? You kind of smell, you know. Riku must really like you if he could stand sniffing your armpit all night long."

"Fuck you." But Axel actually felt a little better as he grabbed his towel out of his suitcase. It was impossible to be offended by anything Demyx said, because there was never any real ill intent behind it. He had no edges; he was all smoothness, to the point where it sometimes got on Axel's nerves that he always had to be so nice. Right now some niceness was very welcome though, with Riku being so mad at him and Marly being his usual, infuriating self.

But Marly _did_ have a point about the kiss. It had to mean _something…_

"Did he really sleep next to me?" he whispered, flickering his gaze between his two friends.

Marly just shrugged, but Demyx grinned and nodded. "Yep! He just snuggled right in beside you and put his arm around you all protective-like… then he fell asleep. It was cute."

Axel couldn't help grinning back at that. "It was?"

"Jesus Christ," Marluxia commented, rolling his eyes, and Axel glared at him.

"Are you jealous or something? Just shut the fuck up."

Marly snorted.

"Why would I be jealous of anything? You're the one who always wanted me; I could probably just snap my fingers and you'd be all over me begging to suck my cock."

He raised his eyebrow slightly and the corner of his mouth curled into a halfsmile that was part challenge and part invitiation, as infuriating as it was sexy. Axel wanted to strangle him.

"You fucking snap your fingers and let's see what happens," he growled.

"That's enough!" Demyx interrupted, sounding comically much like an annoyed mother. "You're not having your stupid fight in my home! Marly, you shut up and Axel gets in the shower. Make it a cold one…"

Axel fought down the urge to blurt out 'But he started it!' like a little kid, and instead he flipped Marly the bird and took Demyx' advice.

"Do you really_ have_ to keep pushing his buttons?" he heard Demyx tell Marly in a hushed voice as he closed the bathroom door behind him. "He's stressed out already."

Axel held his breath, trying to hear Marly's answer, but it was disappointing as usual.

"He sure knows how to push mine."

What the hell was that supposed to mean? They had barely even spoken, and if anyone had been a prickly bitch, it was Marly. He didn't care though. Well, yes he did, but he shouldn't. Marly had his good sides, but a god-damned _crocodile_ had more feelings than him, and their relationship was so hopelessly crashed that it was best to just avoid each other. Hopefully Marly would have left when he was finished with his shower, so he could concentrate on Riku instead.

He turned the water on to drown out their voices and started removing his clothes.

The smell of them made him wrinkle his nose. Demyx was right, it wasn't exactly delightful... He hadn't been very careful with hygiene over this past week, he had mostly concentrated on keeping himself drunk, stoned or unconscious so he wouldn't have to think. It helped with the headaches too. But now he kind of wished he would have taken a little better care of himself. He doubted Riku had been very impressed when he found him lying passed out on the couch, smelling like a garbage can... Why the fuck hadn't someone woken him up??

Oh, well. At least his body odour was something he could change.

The water was almost painfully hot when he stepped into the shower and pulled the curtain closed around him, but that was the way he liked it. Wet heat enveloping him, almost like an embrace. _God, so nice... _

He just stood there soaking for he didn't know how long, feeling the world around him finally slow down to a manageable pace.

_Why_ hadn't he done this before? Fucking therapy was what it was, and more importantly; a free, simple pleasure. His body needed it; it felt like it had had nothing but abuse lately. His eyebrow, the headaches, too much alcohol... not to mention how mangled his back was from sleeping on the couch so many nights in a row. He hadn't even been in the mood to masturbate lately. He wasn't now either; he made a half-hearted attempt to imagine Riku on his knees in front of him and what it would be like to grab his hair and push his cock into his mouth, but it did nothing for him.

He tried the same scenario with Roxas instead, but nothing there either. It just felt wrong; almost _dirty,_ to think of either one of them that way when he didn't know where he was standing with them.

But he _liked_ things to be dirty, damn it! What the hell was wrong with him??

Was it really… _love?_

He had to press his hands hard against his sides to keep them from shaking, afraid that if he started thinking it, it would come true. Maybe it already was, with the butterflies and the vast emptiness he had been feeling at the thought of never speaking to Riku again. He hadn't known you could miss someone you had only known a couple of weeks this much.

And now when Riku was here, he didn't know what to think. He had wanted to get away from him, to party and fuck some guys until he didn't care about him anymore, but that hadn't really worked out for him so far… Getting drunk while miserably curled up on Demyx' couch could hardly count as partying, and picking up guys was kind of hard when a) there was only Demyx around (not that he would have minded a roll in the hay with him, but he had given up on that ever happening years ago), and b) even the thought of some random asshole touching him was more than he could stand.

He wanted _Riku_ to touch him. It didn't even need to be sexual; he could just hold him close, and… tell him he wasn't mad at him, or something; that would be fucking sweet. Or second best; to see Roxas again, to have him smile his cute, little smile and look at him with those ridiculously blue eyes and tell him things were going to be alright.

Too bad it wasn't going to happen. He had no way of contacting Roxas, and Riku…

He wanted explanations he had said, and all the explanations Axel had would probably just end up making him angrier than he already was. He would tell Axel to go fuck himself, and then hook up with someone nice that actually deserved him. If he didn't kill him first when he found out what he had done to Roxas in the past.

He sighed and closed his eyes as he soaked in the hot water. It would have been better if Riku had stayed home and let him lick his wounds in peace, because it would certainly not be easier to get over him now, when deep down in his heart he was so ridiculously, deliriously happy that he had come after him.

X

Riku hadn't walked very far before he crouched down behind a garbage shed and buried his face in his arms. Back at the apartment he had felt like he would lose it and burst into tears any moment, and that was why he had left. He didn't want Axel to see him cry, didn't want him to try to comfort him and call him 'baby', or _worse_; tell him he loved him! Where the hell had that come from all of a sudden?!!

Did he mean it? Or had he just said it because he thought it was what Riku wanted to hear? Most likely he hadn't thought at all; Axel was like that after all. _Anything_ could come out of his mouth when he was upset; Riku had been snapped at enough times to figure that much out.

_Fucking idiot. _You didn't just blurt out something like 'I love you', especially when it obviously wasn't true. Maybe Axel had thought he would be stupid enough to believe it, to actually be glad to hear it, and that possibility pissed him off more than anything.

He wiped at his eyes, chuckling slightly at himself; at the fact that it was such a relief to feel anger again.

Yesterday he hadn't been able to feel any kind of anger. Not when Axel had seemed so thin and frail, lying pale and still like a corpse on Demyx' couch. His hand had been cold when Riku held it and his face… Riku had felt a deep shame when he saw the dark bruise around his eye. It stretched all the way to his temple and a bit up on his forehead, and there was a deep tear in his eyebrow that definitely looked like it needed stitches and not just the tiny plaster that was taped over it. It must hurt a lot.

It really was a relief to see him up and walking as hot-tempered and foul-mouthed as ever, as he should be. Riku wasn't sure why he had been so worried; after all everything had worked out a lot better than he had dared wish for. He had found Axel, and according to Demyx there had been no other guys, and the drug usage seemed to at least be limited to pot, alcohol and nicotine. Axel had even said he was glad to see him, so he should feel relieved… And he did, at least to some degree.

It was just that it seemed like he had gotten a whole new set of things to worry about.

His short stay in Menelflor hadn't exactly been uneventful so far, and it felt like the door to Axel's past – the door Axel fought so hard to keep shut to him – was beginning to open up. Riku realized he had this far probably only seen small glimpses of what was behind it, but it was still enough to shake him.

Maybe, he admitted to himself, he hadn't taken the things he knew about Axel's past as seriously as he should. Maybe he had even been naïve. It was easy to dismiss the suicide attempt and the drug addiction as a thing of the past, something that was over and done with, especially when Axel seemed to encourage him to do so, but now he was wondering.

Maybe the actual _events_ were in the past, but what kind of traces did they leave in a person? In the present?

Maybe moving to Destiny Islands wasn't something that marked a real change in Axel, what if it was just an attempt to run away from things he couldn't handle? Like memories of a boyfriend he still wasn't over…

It hurt to think that Axel might have good reasons for not wanting to make a serious commitment to another person. That maybe Riku, with his hopes of love and boyfriends had become something that Axel thought was so painful to deal with that he would rather just try to forget about it, but that was what it was starting to look like. Why else would he run back to the place he had wanted to get away from in the first place?

Not because he liked it so much, that was clear from what Riku had seen so far of his friends and family. He had stuck to his plan and searched out Axel's mother the first thing he did upon arrival, and meeting her had been his first eye-opener.

Her home was far from the centre of Menelflor, in a part of town most respectable people probably steered clear of. It looked very poor, with ugly, rundown buildings covered in graffiti, pot holes in the streets and, in general, nothing like the images of Menelflor you saw in movies and magazines. Even images Riku had seen from 'bad' neighbourhoods looked more glamorous than this grey hopelessness.

He had managed to get hold of a cab to drive him there, and when he got in and told the driver where he was headed, the man had turned in his chair to eye him in the backseat, and asked if he was sure he had the right address. It was not a place for tourists, he told Riku.

But he had insisted, and eventually he had been there, outside Axel's mother's apartment.

Roxas had told him her name was Lena, and he had also carefully mentioned that she had something of a drinking problem, so at least it hadn't come as a total surprise that she was very noticeably drunk when she opened the door, but the meeting still hadn't gone very well.

She was much shorter than Axel, and she stared at him over the door-chain with hard, red-rimmed eyes that were a smoky, greyish blue instead of poisonous green, but there was still no doubt that they were related. Her hair was the same vivid red in between the streaks of grey, and she was very thin and hatchet-faced, seemingly made up by bones and angles.

Riku had swallowed nervously. Axel could come off as a little intimidating when he was mad, but his mother seriously _scared_ him. Maybe because he knew she had good reason not to like him.

Remembering what his own mother always said about first impressions, he tried to stand up straight and made his best effort to look friendly, which apparently had not worked to his favour at all.

"_Who the hell are you? If this is about the Bible, I'm not interested."_

Being mistaken for a religious door-knocker hadn't done much to ease his nerves, and when he managed to stutter out that he was Riku, Axel's boyfriend (a lie, but he was _not_ going to introduce himself as Axel's fuck buddy), her expression only turned harder and she drew an aggravated puff from the cigarette hanging out of the corner of her mouth, while eyeing him up and down.

"_The one who called, huh? You've got some nerve coming here… I thought I told you to stay away from my son. Get the hell out of here before I call the police."_

She then slammed the door in his face, not giving him any chance to get out so much as a single word of the carefully worded speech he had prepared. He had stood there staring at the grain of the wooden door for god knows how long as numbness and a feeling of utter defeat spread through his entire body. With no idea what to do next, he had suddenly realized how badly he had hoped that he would be able to track down Axel, no matter what he had been thinking before about at least getting a vacation. He had sat down on the first step of the stair while silent tears rolled down his cheeks, and he had wished that he would have listened to his parents and Sora and stayed home in his bed.

That could have been the end of his trip. He had almost been about to give up and call for a cab back to the airport when he heard a creak behind him. Slowly turning his head to look over his shoulder, he saw Lena standing there in the crack of the door.

"_You're still here."_

"_Obviously," _he had answered, trying to sound as if he hadn't been crying, and Lena had sighed and shut the door, and Riku thought he heard her mutter something like 'stubborn bastard'. But after just a minute, she'd opened again, handing him a roll of toilet paper.

"_Wipe your nose and get in here. You can't sit here like that with all the suspicious people running around in this neighbourhood…I'll not have my son's boyfriend mugged or beaten outside my door. Or worse, god knows what they do to prettyboys like you!"_

He had stood up on shaky legs and followed her inside before she changed her mind, mumbling quiet thanks.

The apartment was small and dinghy, and the air filled with the nauseating stench of cigarettes. Riku wasn't squeamish and he considered his tolerance for smoke to be pretty high, especially since meeting Axel, but this was something else. _Everything_ was soaked in the smell, and when he looked closer, he saw that the wallpapers were stained yellow, and in some places almost brown. It was absolutely disgusting, but he silently followed Lena through the garbage-cluttered hallway into the kitchen where he was told to have a seat and was poured a glass of wine.

Then Lena had asked if he was hungry, and Riku had politely eaten the microwave pizza she prepared for him, silently wondering if it had been like this when Axel grew up. Fast-food and empty wine tetras standing in a long row among the dirty dishes on the sink. No wonder he hadn't learned to clean up after himself.

"_You're not what I had expected,"_ Lena had commented when he rinsed his plate under the tap after having finished eating. _"So quiet... You're from that island he ran off to, right?"_

"_Destiny Islands, yes," _Riku answered, giving her a look over his shoulder wondering exactly _what_ she had been expecting.

"_Destiny Islands, right…"_

Riku had then learned that Lena had not even known Axel had left town before he came back some days ago. Naturally she had been mad at him, they had had an argument and Axel had stormed off again. Lena didn't go into detail, but Riku was left with the impression that it had been pretty nasty.

"…_so bottom line is," _she had finished, _"I couldn't help you even if I wanted to. I don't know where he is. You shouldn't have come all this way."_

Riku had wondered if she didn't think he would come back, but she only shrugged, watching the glass in her hand as she made the wine swirl inside it.

"_I don't hear from him much nowadays."_

There had been silence after that, Riku not sure what he was supposed to say. All Axel had ever said about his parents was that they were "as bad as he was", that time when he first showed him his scars. Maybe he was right; it was hard to imagine any kind of happy childhood taking place within the walls of this shabby apartment.

Still, Lena obviously cared about her only son, and it didn't seem entirely right that he had left her to get drunk off cheap wine alone in her filthy kitchen.

"_If you have phone numbers to any of his friends, I wouldn't mind calling around to see if someone knows where he is," _he had finally said.

"_Maybe… Wait, I want to show you something."_

She had got up and out of the kitchen, but returned shortly with a massive, well-loved photo album, that she placed on the table in front of Riku and started flipping through while leaning over his shoulder.

Riku had felt a little uncomfortable at the sudden closeness, not to mention having to smell her alcoholic smoke-breath, but he liked seeing the photos as she turned the pages. They were almost exclusively of Axel; from chubby toddler to gangly teenager. As a little freckled kid with wild, red hair sticking out in every direction, playing in puddles of water, nursing an injured bird in a shoebox, happily showing off some action figure he had gotten for Christmas. It looked normal, and very cute, even though it was obvious from Axel's worn, second hand clothes that his family wasn't very well off.

Axel's father was in some of the earlier photos, a dark haired man who looked suspiciously red-nosed and bleary-eyed. Lena stopped her flipping of pages briefly to inform Riku that he was "a useless drunkard" that had left them for the bottle when Axel was ten. Still her fingers lingered on the photo a few moments before she turned the page with a snort.

Some pages later she found what she had been looking for.

"_There," _she said, pointing to a lanky, sullen-looking girl whose hair looked almost _pink_, posing solemnly before the camera beside a cheekily grinning Axel. _"Marluxia. Those two would always be together."_

Riku nodded anxiously as he realized it was _not_ a girl, but a _very_ pretty boy, and most likely the mysterious _Marly _Roxas had been talking about.

"_I think they kind of drifted apart, after Axel..." _her voice faltered and she suddenly looked older, before collecting herself again._ "But I'm not sure. I guess I could try to find his number for you. He should at least know someone else you could call."_

Riku nodded again, eyes darting over the other pictures. Not just pretty. _Beautiful._ Lena chuckled at his silence and ruffled his hair.

"_Oh, don't worry, honey. I don't think there was ever anything serious between them. Marluxia always seemed straight to me."_

Riku nodded again, the motion mechanical and meaningless. Nothing about Marluxia looked straight. In fact, he was probably the gayest looking person Riku had seen that wasn't on TV. How old could he be in these pictures? Thirteen? Despite the young age there was something provocative and decidedly not innocent in his posture.

Axel had said he was twelve when he lost his virginity.

Maybe it was with this guy. Something must have been going on, Lena had practically said as much. Riku's mouth felt dry. He knew Axel's definition of 'just friends' was pretty wide. What if he was with Marluxia right now, _catching up?_

"_There's something more I want to show you."_

Lena flipped ahead a good chunk of pages, oblivious to his discomfort, and when she finally found what she was looking for, it turned out to be another source of heartache.

First Riku almost didn't recognize him with his heavy make-up and tattered clothes, but there was no mistaking that Sora-like smile. Lena was showing him a picture of Roxas. Several pictures.

There were Axel and Roxas sitting on a couch sharing a cigarette, Roxas blushing when Axel kissed his cheek, Axel with an arm slung around Roxas' shoulders while both smiled into the camera. Worst was a photo from some morning when Lena must have snuck into Axel's room while they were still sleeping. Axel was holding Roxas possessively with both arms and had his face buried in his hair while Roxas snuggled into his chest. Riku suspected that they were both naked under the covers. That one hurt to see, so much that he had trouble keeping his tears away.

It looked so damn cute.

"_I always thought he was such a sweet boy, that one…__ Awfully young, though. They look happy here, but they were always fighting. And then…"_

She turned another page, showing an entire spread of pictures showing Axel lying in what looked like a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV and various monitoring equipment. He had his head turned away from the camera and there was an angry set to his jaws. His wrists and forearms were covered in bandages, and thick leather straps secured them to the sides of the bed, and Riku had realized he must be looking at Axel right after his suicide attempt.

"_Axel was never the same after they broke up. As I'm sure you understand I don't like it when he comes home with a broken heart and half his face a bruise."_

Riku swallowed, starting to feel sick to his stomach as Lena flipped page after page containing nothing but Axel's unhappy face, pale and tired-looking without the make-up, sometimes with streaks of tears still glittering on his cheeks.

He had just wanted to have Axel there then, so he could hold him. And he had felt a dark urge to kill Roxas for being the source of Axel feeling so bad. But most of all, he had just had the powerful realization that this was something _real_, that Axel could actually have been dead. Nothing more than the rotting corpse of a person he would never even had known.

No matter how messed up everything had become, that was an awful thought.

"_I don't like it either,"_ he had whispered. _"I just want to make sure he's alright."_

The last two pictures had looked a little more hopeful, though. Axel grinned like a madman with Marluxia's arm slung over his shoulders. Both wore party hats and held a glass of what looked to be champagne, as if they were celebrating something. Maybe Axel getting out of the hospital?

Lena had confirmed it, absently stroking the second and last picture that was almost identical to the previous, but was of Axel and her.

"_It was the worst time of my life when he was in there. No mother should ever have to see her child like that… I still don't understand why. He's so... He's the only good thing that has ever come out of me."_

She had cried when Riku left, overcome by drunken sentimentality, and he had held her awkwardly while she begged him to 'take care of her baby' because he seemed like such a sweetheart and Axel needed someone stable to keep him out of trouble.

"_And don't you dare to hurt him."_

Riku hadn't known what to say to that (or why he was suddenly a sweetheart), so he mumbled a quiet _"no, mam"_, and he still hadn't known what to think as he sat in the cab on his way to the address Lena had found in an old phone book. He didn't want to hurt Axel, had never wanted to. _He _was the one who had been hurt.

Would it hurt Axel to see him again? To answer his questions?

He didn't know. He could only hope Marluxia was still living at the address he was going to (no one had answered when he tried to call the phone number scribbled beside it), and that Axel was with him, or else he would have had no clue as to where to look next. Lena didn't seem to know very much at all about who Axel hung out with and Roxas had only remembered a few of Axel's other friends, and only by their first names or nicknames, which wasn't very helpful when trying to track down phone numbers.

The cab had eventually dropped him off outside a large building that looked more like an old warehouse than a place where someone would live. It also looked completely deserted, covered in graffiti with the windows boarded shut, and Riku had been convinced that he had gotten the address wrong when he found the front door sealed shut. But he had at least tried walking around to the back of the house, and there he found a smaller entrance that actually had a doorbell.

He had pressed it and waited and pressed it again for at least fifteen minutes, until he had finally given up and turned to walk away. Not until then had Marluxia (who apparently had been watching him) stuck his head out from a door high up on the second floor and asked him who the fuck he was and what he was doing there.

If Riku had thought dealing with one of Axel's friends would be a relief after meeting his scary, drunkard mother, he was soon proven wrong

As it turned out, the house really was an abandoned warehouse. Marluxia had broken into it and illegally occupied it for years, and he was extremely paranoid about anyone finding out he was living there. Riku didn't realize exactly how paranoid, until he had finally answered all Marluxia's endless questions only to see him casually pull a gun out from underneath his hoodie and put it back under his pillow. A gun that most likely had been pointed at him from the moment he set foot in the house. It was also then he noticed Marluxia's jerky and sort of clumsy movements, and understood that he must be under the influence of some drug. He had been very, very scared then and made it a point to sit absolutely still on the chair Marluxia had pulled out for him. He didn't know a thing about drugs, but if it was anything like being drunk he'd better not give Marluxia a reason to start waving that gun around.

But Marluxia had just slumped down on his bed (still uncomfortably close to that gun, though) and gone off on a long, confusing rant about Axel being a fucking idiot, filthy whore and a traitor. Then despite his obvious dislike of his former friend, he had made some phone calls and after a while stood up and nodded to Riku.

"_He's at Demyx' place, but he's asleep. Come on; I'll take you there."_

Riku had nervously wondered who Demyx was, but Marluxia just rolled his eyes and told him not to worry.

"_He's probably the only guy in this godforsaken city Axel hasn't slept with yet…"_

Riku had wondered to himself if that meant Axel had indeed slept with Marluxia, but didn't dare to ask. He was almost sure there had been something more than friendship now, because Marluxia was like goddamn, _unbelievably_ hot (despite being slightly insane). When seeing him outside Lena's photos, it was obvious he wasn't a girl, with his height and broad shoulders, not to mention the bulge at his crotch, but there was still something feminine about him. His hair was an obvious reason, with its weird, pinkish colour and girly cut, but it was not the only one. Maybe it was something about his hips; somehow they seemed wider and more rounded than what was normal for a guy, or something about the way he moved; sensual and flowing. He had an ass most girls would probably kill for too, tight with each cheek forming a perfect half-globe, and Riku couldn't help staring at it as Marluxia led the way through the night.

If he thought he was frustrated over having a hot best friend, then what was Axel? Sora was cute, but if he had been anywhere near this hot, then holy shit…

But not even Marluxia's ass had been a good enough distraction to keep him from worrying. What would Axel think about him showing up at his friend's place in the middle of the night? Would he be mad? Why couldn't this Demyx have woken him up and let him talk to him? Was he sick or injured, or passed out on drugs?

His suspicions turned out to not be far from the truth when they finally arrived and Demyx let them in, scratching his neck in an embarrassed manner.

He was also cute, Riku noted. Nothing like Marluxia, but still… Were _all_ of Axel's friends good-looking?

"_Riku, huh?__" _Demyx babbled, inspecting him curiously._ "Boy, have I heard a lot about you… You can come in and see him, but I doubt he'll be very talkative… I, uh… I kind of spiked his beer with sleeping pills. He was in a really bad mood and kind of hard to handle… Don't worry, he'll come to eventually! I do this all the time!"_

Marluxia had rolled his eyes and announced that he and Riku were staying the night, ignoring Demyx' half-hearted protests. Riku had been exhausted by then, and when he had stood before Axel, lying bruised and unconscious on the couch, all he could think of were the photos from the hospital. He didn't care if he was welcome or not, he had curled up beside Axel and put his arm around him, just wanting to protect him and make his hurt go away, and then he had fallen asleep.

Those were Riku's 'adventures' in Menelflor so far, and he still felt tired and overwhelmed by it all. And it wasn't just because of Axel… He had known Menelflor was a big city, but exactly how big everything really was, he hadn't been able to imagine. The airport, the streets, the buildings, the _traffic…_ Riku didn't think he would dare an attempt to drive even a block in this city.

Small, alone and lost, that was how he felt. And maybe it was because of the people he had met, but everything seemed so hard and unfriendly… Lena with her wine-stained teeth and yellow fingernails, beautiful Marluxia who slept with a gun under his pillow in a house that wasn't his. Seemingly cheerful Demyx who didn't hesitate to drug someone just because they were in a bad mood.

Riku had never seen himself as soft or naïve, but now that was exactly how he felt; like a sheltered, small-town boy who hadn't seen anything, and he didn't like it at all. He didn't want to be here, and he didn't want Axel to be here.

Worst was the confusion he felt, and the strange feeling that everything had shifted focus. That it didn't matter that he had been let down and betrayed, that his anger was pointless and futile. There was something bigger going on, something he still didn't understand and next to which he and his broken heart were just small, insignificant specks.

His eyes burned again, and he picked his phone out of his pocket. Maybe he should call Sora.

He had kept his phone turned off so far, because he didn't want to talk to anybody until he felt he had the situation under control. Not that he felt like anything was under control, but he guessed the people at home might want to know that he was safe.

He turned the phone on, called Sora and almost crapped his pants as his friend's voice immediately appeared (rather loudly) in his ear.

"_Riku!! FINALLY!!! Are you alright? What's going on??"_

Riku couldn't help chuckling slightly, despite his bone-deep weariness. Sora must really have been waiting for him to call if he picked up that fast. "Nothing, I'm fine. You don't have to scream…"

"_Yes, I do!"_ Sora answered at the same volume. _"I was worried, you know! If you're going to have your phone off, you should have called a little sooner! Now your mom is freaking out and guess who has to deal with it?!! You owe me a big one!"_

"Alright, alright, sorry… Can you tell her I called?"

"_Riku, I really think it would be better-"_

"Please?" He really didn't want to deal with his parents right now.

Sora sighed and resigned. _"Fine. Now tell me what's happening!"_

Riku cleared his throat nervously. "Well, I found Axel…"

At first Riku thought he should hold back some of the more unpleasant events, but before he knew it, he had told Sora everything. The drunken mother, the pictures, the weird friends, the gun, the drugs, the argument, the sudden confession, the kiss…

Sora let him talk and didn't say much, except for the occasional question or expression of sympathy, and Riku had to admit to himself that it felt good to get everything off his chest and give voice to his confused thoughts, even though it meant the damn tears were back in his eyes.

"…and I have no idea what to do now," he finished, trying uselessly to muffle his sniffles. "I don't know what to say to him. I just wish he'd come home with me; I don't want to leave him here when he's… He hasn't been taking care of himself and his eye looks horrible, I can't believe I did that..."

"_Yeah…"_ Sora was quiet for a while. _"Maybe you should just rest for a while. You sound exhausted."_

"Yes, but-"

"_No buts! You know you don't think straight when you're stressed out!"_

"I guess not…"

"_You should sleep, and eat something. Then you tell him what you want to tell him, ask your questions and go home. That place sounds completely insane!!!"_

Riku fought to hold back the sob that wanted to come out. "Yeah…"

"_Mom says you can come and live with us for a while until you're feeling better and everything is sorted out with school and your parents. You can have the guest room all to yourself. It'll be fun!"_

"Wow, thanks… I'll… maybe I'll do that."

It did sound good, much better than the situation had been until now. Returning to his lonely apartment which his parents might not even let him keep had seemed almost unbearable, especially if he would be coming back alone.

"Uhm, so your mom… Has she heard about me?"

"_I think it's safe to say that everyone you know has heard about you,"_ Sora said.

"But is she… I guess she's okay with it?"

"_Yeah, don't worry. She doesn't mind at all. Everything's going to be alright, Riku. We'll take care of you."_

"Okay…"

There was a brief silence.

"I guess I should go… I'll turn my phone off again in case mom and dad tries to reach me, but I'll call again later, alright?"

"_Alright… Take care of yourself."_

"Yeah…" Riku was about to end the call, but hesitated. "Sora… Do you think he…could he have meant it? When he said he loved me?"

"_I don't know…__ It sounds like maybe he's really tired too. Give it some time then ask him about it?"_

Riku chewed his lip. Sora was right; Axel must have had a minor shock waking up to find him in the kitchen like that. Maybe he shouldn't be so hard on him for reacting like he had.

After all, in the worst case scenario Riku had imagined him kicking him out. Instead he had begged him to return…

He couldn't help smiling slightly.

"Okay," he told Sora. "I'll sleep on it."

He hung up after once again having promised Sora to be careful and to keep him updated about any changes, feeling slightly more optimistic. A brisk walk around the block should be enough to clear his thoughts, and then he would be ready to come back.

X

Axel had finished cleaning up and was just brushing his teeth as a knock sounded on the bathroom door, followed by Demyx' voice.

"Hey, Axel!"

"What?"

"I'm going to go out and get some pizza. You want one?"

Axel spit out the toothpaste foaming in his mouth, with a short pang of disappointment. For a moment there he had hoped Demyx would say that Riku was back, but apparently not.

"I have a hangover," he replied grumpily, "what do you think? My stomach is a fucking black hole."

On the other side of the door Demyx laughed. "Alright, I get the message. Should I get one for Riku too?"

Axel thought about it. "Yeah, do that. I'll pay for it… Uhh, I don't know what he likes though… Go for something with shrimps, maybe? I want taco. And pick up a pack of cigarettes for me too."

"Got it. Try to behave yourselves while I'm gone."

Axel just grunted, figuring that comment meant that Marluxia still hadn't left. He was proven right when he had finished freshening up and entered the living room only to be met by his former best friend's dull staring. He pulled the towel tighter around his waist, suddenly wishing it would have been bigger, even though he knew Marly would hardly be interested in looking at his goods. It would have been better if he had been, then he wouldn't have to feel so bony and ugly when scrutinized by those emotionless eyes. He wasn't wearing anything to cover up his scars either, and even though Marly already knew they were there, Axel didn't like showing them. Marly knew that as well.

Marly knew fucking _everything_; just as he probably knew exactly how fucking sexy he was, lying there on the couch flaunting his long, slender legs with his t-shirt riding up to show the creamy, smooth skin of his stomach. Forget probably. He _knew,_ and he liked watching the effect his appearance had on others. He had always been like that. Never interested himself, always just teasing, observing.

Ironically, _now_ his fucking cock decided to act up, twitching slightly between his legs, and he clenched his jaws, trying to think of something unsexy to dispel the images of him and Marly suddenly rising up from the depths of his memory.

If he found out Marly had been playing any of his games with Riku, he would wring his pretty, god-damned neck.

Remembering what Demyx had said, he made an effort to ignore him as he crossed the room, even though just as predicted Marly's gaze went straight for his wrists. _Fucking bastard._ The towel slipped a little lower on his hips as he kneeled by his suitcase, and he hurriedly dug out a fresh set of clothes. Long sleeves, he decided, even though he would have liked to show Riku some skin.

He glanced over his shoulder and when he saw that Marly was still watching him shamelessly, he couldn't hold back any longer.

"What the hell are you looking at?! Did you suddenly start to like ogling naked men?"

Marly met his eyes, his expression not changing in the slightest. There had been a time when Axel had been able to read him even when he didn't give anything away, but he couldn't do it anymore. It was strange really, that someone you thought you had known so well could become so alien to you. A little sad too, he guessed.

"You've put on some weight," Marly stated and finally looked away.

Axel took the opportunity to pull on a pair of boxers and wrenched the shirt he had picked out over his head, a little puzzled by the non-offensive reply. He suspected that it might be some sort of trap; Marly trying to get him to relax and drop his guard only to strike when his defences were down. But then again; maybe it wasn't. Marly had never been one to play that sort of games.

"You calling me fat?" he sourly ground out. Still, it was a joke and couldn't be considered hostile. Demyx would be proud of him.

Marly eyed him and snorted. "Yeah, it's disgusting... There are actually some bones in your body I can't see anymore." His tone was sarcastic, but Axel didn't miss the brief smile passing over his lips.

Was it honest? An attempt to call a truce? That would be more than welcome… Maybe Demyx had managed to talk some sense into him. He watched Marluxia warily as he sat down on the floor to put on a pair of socks.

"I've been eating a little better, I guess."

This time he only got a grunt in reply, and he rolled his eyes as he could guess the reason. As usual Marly didn't like hearing about anything that hinted about Axel's life possibly getting a little less messed up. It hurt, like it always had, making his throat feel tense and raw.

_Just fucking ignore him._

But after a while, just as Axel was putting on his pants, Marly spoke again.

"What happened to your eye, anyway? Riku did that to you?"

Axel pulled at the zipper violently. He had been waiting for that to come up. Actually he was surprised Marly hadn't said anything sooner; it would be just like him to blurt out insensitive questions at the completely wrong time, like he still had some fucking right to know what was going on in his life. He had started to believe Riku had already told Marly everything that had happened between them, but thankfully it didn't seem to be so.

"Yep," he snapped, hoping it would discourage Marly from asking any further questions. Of course he wasn't that lucky.

"Why?"

A simple question, with a simple answer, or so it would seem.

_Because I slept with someone else. _

Axel sighed. He didn't feel like telling Marly that. He would just assume that it was because Axel was horny and slutty and couldn't keep it in his pants, and he just couldn't stand the thought of that; not when he had actually tried to set something _right_. And paid a high price for it too.

Losing Riku. _Hurting_ Riku.

And no _way_ was he going to try to explain what _really_ happened; that he had met Roxas again. He hadn't even told Demyx, because he didn't want to hear other people's opinions on what he had done or what he should have done. He had enough of his own doubts already, and he didn't want someone else's point of view to soil the memory of that night on the beach. He wanted to keep it a shimmering mirage of moonlight and rolling waves and believe that it had made a difference, that it meant something that only he and Roxas could understand.

Fat chance he would be allowed to continue living in that illusion if he were to tell someone else about it. There were plenty of weak points to poke at… Like, did he really think that one magical night could make up for eight months of continuous sexual abuse? And was he so conceited that he thought Roxas would think their little roll in the sand was worth losing his girlfriend over? Wasn't the truth more likely that he had just made everything _worse_ for Roxas?

Just thinking it made his heart feel heavy, and he cursed that brat Sora for refusing to give him Roxas' phone number.

What Marly would think about the whole Roxas debacle, Axel could easily guess. He had already heard enough of his opinions on his relationship with Roxas to last him a lifetime and probably the eternity of an eventual afterlife as well.

"Forget it," he told him, unable to stop his words from coming out as a snarl, "you're just going to be an ass about it. I'm perfectly aware of what an idiot I am without you telling me."

If Marly reacted to his words in any way, he didn't show it. He just continued studying him.

"So he had a reason to hit you?"

"I guess so." Not that Axel really thought there was ever a reason to punch someone like that when it wasn't self-defence; what if he had hit his head on something when he fell? He could have fucking _died_, and Riku hadn't even checked to see if he was alright. He wasn't going to bitch about it to Marly, though.

Marly eyed him a few seconds longer and then shrugged. "Just checking."

"Checking what?" Axel growled. He couldn't help it; his mood had just plummeted beyond control, and most of all he would just like to slam his fist into something. Preferably Marly's perfect, fucking teeth.

"That you're not getting yourself into trouble for some pretty face." The answer came easily this time, Marly's deep voice almost gentle.

Axel laughed mirthlessly, surprised and at the same time immensely pissed off by the sudden concern. If anyone's pretty face was troubling him right now, it sure wasn't Riku's…

"Like you care if I'm in trouble or not!" he snorted, and saw Marly's gaze harden.

"You're fucking unbelievable," he told him, and this time Axel could clearly sense the anger under the surface. Marly normally didn't curse much. "I've spent half my life getting you _out_ of trouble; you wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for me..! Why wouldn't I care?"

If Marly had wanted to calm him down, he shouldn't have mentioned saving his life. Axel knew it was irrational, and probably unfair, but his old anger was still there. Waking up to pain and guilt and his mother's tears wasn't something he wished on anybody. The first few weeks he had hated Marly so intensely he actually fantasized about taking him with him when he made his next suicide attempt. Served him right for forcing him back into a life he didn't want and the whole, fucking _month _that had passed before the bastard even came to visit him at the hospital!

"You should ask yourself how much of that trouble was caused by you in the first place," he snarled.

Marly's eyes narrowed, and Axel groaned inwardly. So much for getting along…

"So I'm the cause of all your problems, is that it?" Marly's voice was dangerously low and emotionless as he spoke; a clear sign that he was about to snap.

Axel breathed deeply through his nose, keeping his eyes fixed on Marly's while he tried to calm himself down. It was easier said than done, he wanted to say yes; really, really wanted to. But he knew how that would end… the same way as the first time they had this argument.

_I should just have left you to die._

That was what Marly had said, and it struck home with such crushing force that he had been feeling empty and worthless for weeks afterwards. He didn't know why, after all he had agreed wholeheartedly with that statement at the time. It was just harsh hearing it from your best friend, and even though he wasn't anymore, Axel didn't want to hear it ever again.

"I think we've had this conversation before," he grit out.

"Yeah." Marly's voice was thick and uncharacteristically filled with emotion, his eyes unreadable as they locked on Axel's. "You told me you wished you'd never met me."

Axel nodded, a little surprised that that was the part of the argument Marly remembered. He _had_ said that, but mostly because he needed something to retaliate with (which should have been obvious, really). But there _was_ some truth in it.

He had often wondered what kind of person he would have been if Marly hadn't been there to mess him up. He probably wouldn't have started whoring on his own; that was a pretty big improvement right there. He would never have been at that damned party; he would have lost his virginity in a normal way with a nice boyfriend. He wouldn't have needed the drugs. He might have finished school. Gotten a job. Maybe he would just have been a normal guy, who listened to rock and liked beer. The kind of guy he wanted to be.

But there was no way to know. Without Marly he could just as well have been bullied the rest of his school years for the scandalous crime of being a skinny, redheaded homo with a loud mouth. Maybe he would have been depressed. Friendless and introverted. Maybe he would have picked up drugs because of that instead, or tried to kill himself earlier.

"So what if I said that? _You_ said you wished I was dead," he shot back at Marly, who shrugged and cast his eyes down.

"Maybe I did. I was just mad."

That had the sound of an apology (or as much of an apology that Marly would ever give, anyway), and Axel nodded hesitantly. Was that really it? Words spoken in anger, without any real meaning? He doubted it, but…

"So was I," he replied before he had time to change his mind.

"Really."

Marly didn't sound like he believed him, or maybe he just thought that taking those particular words back didn't make that much of a difference. Maybe it didn't.

He had still cut off their friendship and left Marly behind.

But it still felt better having said it. However hard it was to believe, this was still the same Marly that stuck up for him when the kids at school were mean, and the same Marly that gave him his first kiss. The same Marly that had been his best friend, older brother and lover all rolled into one.

Too bad Marly only liked him when he was broken. He wanted him to rely on him, to look up to him and desire him, and an Axel free from drugs and problems didn't fit into that picture. Not a very beautiful friendship when you looked at it that way.

He knew that was not how Marly saw it, but it was true. He just didn't want to realize it.

"Why did you help Riku find me?" he asked after a long moment, changing the subject. "I'm surprised you even let him in."

Marly shrugged again, his standard response to anything.

"So am I. But I was high and he didn't look like much of a threat. I guess I wanted to know why he was snooping around my house." He paused. "Wouldn't have helped him if I knew he hits you."

"Oh, for fuck's sake..! He doesn't hit me!! Just drop it!"

Marly snorted, and Axel ground his teeth.

"He _doesn't,_ alright? One more word about it and I'm not talking to you. He's nice, I'm not, end of story."

Marly rolled his eyes. "If you say so."

Axel glared at him, but didn't say anything more even though Marly clearly wasn't convinced. He didn't care what Marly thought anyway. He probably couldn't believe Axel could actually meet a nice, normal guy and had to find flaws everywhere, because that was just what he'd always-

"I kind of liked him, actually. Polite. And if he liked you enough to chase after you from some faraway island after whatever stupid shit you've obviously pulled, who was I to stand in the way?"

"Uh… right." Axel stared at him. That was not what he had expected to hear. Marly rarely liked _anyone._ But it still didn't make sense to him why Marly was here. He could have left yesterday after delivering Riku, then they wouldn't have had to see each other and the world would have been a happier place. He doubted Marly liked arguing any more than he did.

"So…" he started after a few moments, having gathered his wits again, "How come you didn't just give him Demyx' address and sent him off? Why follow him here?"

Marly shook his head slightly, giving him an expressionless stare.

"You're so fucking thick. Maybe I just thought it would be nice to see you, how about that?"

_Nice to..?_

Axel couldn't help it; he was staring again. Did that mean Marly _missed_ him? It was hard to believe. He _had_ been upset when Axel told him he was going to leave; more upset than he had ever seen him before, but the next day he had been so calm it was almost scary. Not a flicker of emotion on his face, and not a single word as he left.

Axel had known then that he had been cut off. Marly's mind worked like that; he had seen it happen countless times. Anything that was potentially hurtful or uncomfortable was immediately discarded and swept under the rug, never to be thought of again. Maybe he had thought that their many years of friendship would have been a little harder to brush off, but he should have known better.

At least it had made it easier to leave; to be sure he had made the right decision.

"_Is_ it nice to see me?" he asked, holding his breath.

Marly stared at him for a long moment, then drew his knees up towards his chest, assuming a more curled up position.

"Not really, no."

"Fuck you," Axel told him.

Marly didn't look at him.

"Yeah… Should have guessed you'd feel that way."

Axel had nothing to say.

X

When Riku returned to the apartment, Axel was the one to open the door for him, greeting him with a nervous smile. He seemed to have taken Riku's advice about showering, looking infinitely much better with the grease out of his skin and hair. He had almost looked sick before, but now he just looked tired. A normal tired, and Riku felt a faint relief as well as a tingle of sudden desire.

The bruise still looked terrible, but somehow Axel almost made it look hot.

"You came back..." Axel breathed, as if almost surprised.

"You made me promise I would, remember?" Riku answered, tiredly returning his smile. It was easiest that way; right now he didn't have the energy to be mad at him, and certainly not to argue or have some serious talk with him. He just wanted to rest, like Sora had suggested. Some more sleep would be nice, or just to sit and watch some TV for a while, knowing that Axel was right there beside him.

"Yeah, I did…" Axel stepped aside, rubbing awkwardly at the back of his neck. "Didn't really dare to believe _you_ remembered, I guess…"

"It's not like I have anywhere else to go," Riku answered with a roll of his eyes as he stepped inside. It wasn't like he _wanted_ to go anywhere else either; not without Axel, but he didn't feel like telling him that.

Axel watched him silently and then reached out to touch his shoulder.

"Are you alright?"

"Peachy," Riku answered somewhat snappily and slapped his hand away. He suspected his eyes were still lined with red even though he had wiped them on his sleeves and tried to take his time to calm down. _God damn it. _He _hated_ being such a crybaby.

He bent down to take his shoes off, conveniently hiding his face from view, but he could still feel Axel's eyes on him, following his every movement.

"Right..." Axel cleared his throat. "Sorry if I was…uh, if I yelled and stuff. My mood hasn't been its best lately, and it was kind of a shocker finding you in Demyx' kitchen in the morning… I seriously thought I was seeing things."

Riku looked up at him through his bangs, shrugging.

"I expected something like that. Actually I was pretty sure you would be mad at me for coming here."

Axel looked back at him, a strange intensity in his green eyes.

"But you came anyway."

Riku nodded, feeling a tightness in his chest. He couldn't tell if Axel was pleased that he had decided to go out on a limb and go after him, or if he was wondering why he had done something he thought would piss him off. Either choice was a possibility.

"It smells like food in here," he commented, hoping to change the subject and to fill out the sudden, slightly awkward silence between them.

"Yeah..." Axel smiled at him again as Riku straightened and took off the sweater he had pulled on over his T-shirt. "We bought pizza... I don't know if you're hungry, but I got one for you anyway. I told Demyx to get you something with shrimps... Since you like the ocean, and all… Uhm, haha… That's silly I guess, but I don't really know what you like. Well, I know you like fish, but we never went out for pizza. Not that shrimps are fish. Maybe I should have gone for anchovies? You can have mine if you like it better; it's taco, kind of spicy, but-"

"Stop babbling," Riku interrupted him, not knowing if he should be amused or annoyed. Maybe he wasn't the only one feeling unsure of the situation. "Shrimps are fine. And I _am_ hungry." He was. He hadn't thought about it before, but when the smell started to fill his nostrils, his stomach was suddenly screaming at him.

"Okay. Good…" Axel smiled, but it looked strained. "Marly and Demyx already started eating, but I waited for you. Not like I have much of an appetite anyway. I thought I had, with the hangover and all, but… I don't know. I think the food's still warm, at least..." He chuckled as Riku rolled his eyes. "I know, I know; babbling again... Fuck, I'm so nervous! It's just surreal to have you show up here… I think I've smoked like half a pack of cigarettes already!"

_Nervous…_Riku decided to take pity on him and just say it as it was.

"You can relax; I'm too tired to be mad at you right now." He took a step closer, catching Axel's hands in his. "There's been so much, and I… I came because I wanted to talk to you, but now I'm… Can we wait with the talking until later?"

Axel nodded, staring down at their joined hands with wide, green eyes.

"Sure… I've been… It's probably a good idea. I'm so confused that I doubt you'd be able to get something sensible out of me, anyway." He squeezed Riku's hands harder, seemingly unwilling to let go.

"Pizza," Riku reminded him.

"Right, pizza…" Axel licked his lips nervously. "So… is another kiss completely out of the question, or..? I brushed my teeth this time…" He looked into Riku's eyes, his expression hopeful and almost shy, and unlike anything Riku had ever seen on his face before.

He had to swallow hard.

His tired mind told him another kiss would be fantastic. He could just stop thinking and press Axel into the wall; be close to him and make him his again. Erase every trace of Roxas from his mind.

But that would be… Axel didn't deserve kisses, did he? _Or did he?_

"No kissing." His voice sounded a lot more determined than he felt, and Axel looked away, releasing his hold on Riku's hands.

"Just checking," he whispered.

Riku hesitated. It was that damned bruise, he decided; or maybe it was something about Axel's slumping shoulders making him look so bony and frail. Whatever it was, it made his heart ache, and he reached for him, drawing him into his arms.

"Maybe a hug would be alright," he whispered into his ear.

Axel made a whimpering noise that sounded like something in between a sob and a chuckle. "It would?"

"Yes." Riku ran a hand down his back, feeling the bumps of his vertebrae under his fingertips. _So_ _damn thin..._ But he continued his caress all the way down to the small of Axel's back and pressed his palm against it, driving Axel's hips closer to his.

Axel gave out a little gasp, but kept his hands still, just clutching at the fabric of Riku's T-shirt. Riku didn't know if he should be grateful or disappointed. He wanted more. He wanted Axel to wind his arms around him and take that kiss he had asked for by force... Wanted it and didn't want it.

He shouldn't want it. Axel had slept with Roxas, and that wasn't something you made up for with a hug and a kiss after not speaking for a week. He was sure Kairi and Sora would agree with him.

He was supposed to be mad, and if Axel wanted his forgiveness, or _anything_ for that matter, he should have to fight hard to earn it. Not just ask for it. Not just stand there and look sad and beautiful and vulnerable until Riku wanted to give it to him just to see him smile.

"I bought you something," he whispered in Axel's ear. "It's in my pocket."

Axel leaned away slightly, looking curious and a little puzzled as his hand brushed over the lump in Riku's right jean pocket.

"This?"

Riku nodded, and held his breath as Axel reached into his pocket. While he was out walking, he had entered a gas station to buy some tissues, and that was when he'd had the sudden urge to buy something for Axel. To cheer him up a little. And maybe to apologize for hitting him so hard.

"It's nothing big, it just made me think of you…" He touched the edge of the bruise around Axel's eye, careful not to hurt him. "I'm sorry about this."

"It's okay," Axel muttered after a second, avoiding eye contact. Riku felt stupid as he watched him examine his gift. When he thought about it, maybe it was kind of assholeish to try to apologize for hurting someone with a cheap…

"A stripping lighter??"

Yes, that was what Riku had bought; a novelty lighter featuring an image of a Speedo-clad beach hunk on its side. The novelty was that he dropped his pants if you turned the lighter upside down.

First Axel just looked surprised, then he looked annoyed, as if he was thinking exactly what Riku had just been thinking, but then he grinned and chuckled, a hint of teasing in his eyes.

"Well, that's some peace offering… You're a true romantic, Riku." Clearly that was sarcasm, but the grin stayed on his face as he flipped the lighter a couple of times, giggling at the muscle man losing his shorts over and over again. "He's really hairy…"

"Yeah." Riku smiled and pulled Axel back into his arms, feeling infinitely relieved that the mood had shifted into something lighter. "There were three different guys, but none of them were attractive. I picked that one because of his moustache; at least he was funny…"

Axel tipped the lighter again, leaning into Riku's embrace with a slight chuckle.

"He's almost worth the concussion…"

Another sarcasm. Riku petted Axel's hair softly, wondering what he should say.

"Are you mad at me?"

Axel shrugged. "I don't know. A little… It really hurts."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay." This time it sounded like it was. "I guess I had it coming."

Riku didn't answer. He couldn't feel it at the moment, why he was supposed to be mad. The man he loved was in his arms and would be kissing him now, if Riku hadn't said no.

He breathed in the smell of Axel's hair, the oddly alluring mix of smoke and hairgel that his brain had come to associate strongly with sex, and felt himself starting to grow hard.

If Axel felt it too, he didn't say anything about it, which was probably a good thing. Things were already confusing enough as it was.

"I think I want to eat now," he lied, and Axel nodded against his neck.

"Sure… Though it would be damn nice if you would hold me just a little longer."

Riku did.

X

* * *

_Nice and fluffy, eh? We'll see about that!  
I'm worried that this chapter might have been a little jumpy and hard to follow... was it?_

_Oh, right... ages ago I made fanart for myself for this chapter: _http://yaoi. y-gallery. net/view/524363/ _(just copy and remove the spaces after the dots!)_


	16. Table manners and shit

**Table manners and shit**

X

Riku didn't know whether to feel amused or annoyed watching Axel flail around the kitchen like a long-limbed, cupboard-slamming tornado, balancing pizza boxes while trying not to trip over his own feet.

He was trying to set the table.

Riku suspected this was something that would never have happened unless he was here judging by exhibit A: the sceptical looks on Demyx and Marluxia's faces, and exhibit B: the fact that Demyx and Marluxia were both eating their pizzas with their hands, using only a pair of scissors to cut it into slices.

"_Ignore those barbarians,"_ Axel had said as they entered the kitchen. _"They have no idea how civilized people eat. You just sit down, and I'll take care of this!"_

The 'barbarians' had only responded with a mutual eye roll and proceeded to watch with ill-hidden amusement as cutlery, plates and napkins were arranged with slow and meticulous care before Riku on the table. Axel had even pulled out the chair for him when he sat down.

Riku supposed it was kind of cute, though more than anything it made him feel embarrassed. He didn't need all this fuss and could certainly eat his pizza like 'a barbarian' if everyone else did, but if Axel was trying to do something nice for him, he guessed there wasn't much he could say about it. He _had_ tried, voicing a feeble protest along the lines of _'You don't have to…',_ but Axel had just dismissed him with a wave of his hand.

"_It's no trouble. I know you have table manners and shit."_

_Table manners and shit._

Riku really wished Axel had some _tact _and shit, because he was far from comfortable with being fawned over like this in front of Axel's friends. He suspected he hadn't been making a very good impression on them so far, what with his sudden appearance in the middle of the night and this morning's drama. Axel attending to him like he was some kind of stuck up princess could only be making matters worse.

He swallowed and stared into his plate, thinking back to breakfast this morning.

It had been pretty awkward. He hadn't known how much he should say or how Axel would react when he woke up and discovered he had followed him here, so he had opted for the safer option of not saying much at all (he'd been too nervous to carry out anything even remotely resembling conversation anyway) and after a while even Demyx had run out of small talk, despite seemingly having an endless supply thereof.

Marluxia had never even tried. He nodded when Riku joined them at the breakfast table, but that was about it. Quite the contrast to his long, incoherent ramblings from the night before… All Riku had learned about him was that he sure ate a lot of pills in the morning.

Then Axel woke up, and things just kind of exploded…

It was unnerving to not know what had happened since then, what had been said. He wished he knew. Maybe then he would have known how to act, what to say.

He glanced nervously at Demyx and Marluxia again.

He suspected by now they probably both knew he was the one who had hit Axel, but he didn't know if they knew _why._ Maybe it didn't matter if they did. After all, if someone hurt any of _his_ friends, he wouldn't give a shit about their excuses.

He could only hope Axel had explained the situation while he was away. Maybe if they knew Axel had thoroughly broken his heart, he'd be excused for acting a little weird. He doubted Axel would admit to something like that, though.

The situation was starting to get awkward again, and Riku knew he should probably do something about it before he was permanently labelled a weirdo. Be friendly and make a joke or talk about something… _anything._ But for the life of him, he couldn't think of anything to say. How could he, with what had happened out in the hallway just minutes ago? It had been… He didn't even know. Maybe he should have let Axel kiss him, because _God,_ he had wanted that kiss.

It had been so good to be holding him again, to find out that Axel still _wanted_ him to hold him and kiss him… But the fire it had lit in his gut still lingered and no matter how much he tried to concentrate on food, his pants still felt too tight.

He sighed quietly and stared at the empty plate before him. It was probably a good thing nothing had happened, or things would have been even worse. Just _how_ were they going to talk later if all he could think about was sex?

After they had eaten, maybe they could go back to the couch and watch some TV, maybe sleep for a while. Axel looked like he needed it as much as he did; for some reason he seemed very nervous. He was letting out a steady string of muttered curses under his breath (probably thinking no one could hear him), and this must be the third time Riku had seen him pull out the drawer he was currently rummaging through. He frowned slightly, watching Axel attentively. It was not like him, losing his cool and stressing around like this.

On the other side of the table, Demyx sighed with a slight shake of his head, probably thinking the same thing.

"Axel, what the hell are you looking for?" he asked. "Glasses are in the cupboard over the sink, if you had forgotten. Top shelf."

Axel closed the drawer with a slam, whirling around to glare at him with something akin to desperation in his eyes.

"I _know_ where the glasses are! I need the fucking _pizza cutter!_ Where is it?"

"The _what?_" Demyx chuckled incredulously and stared at him for a moment before snipping the scissors in the air. "How about this, huh? Just sit down and eat! You're stressing me out and the food will get cold."

_Amen,_ Riku thought but Axel just gave the scissors – disgustingly dripping cheese and pizza grease down at the not too clean table – a long, sceptical look. Then he glanced at Riku.

_Is that okay?_ his eyes seemed to ask.

Riku sighed. No way was he letting those scissors anywhere near his food, but he didn't really need an additional tool just to slice up his pizza when he already had a knife and fork. And why would he even want to slice his pizza if he wasn't going to eat with his hands anyway? Most likely Axel didn't even know the purpose of a pizza cutter, just considered it to be some mysterious artefact that people with _table manners and shit_ needed in order to eat a pizza properly.

Maybe that was what all this fretting was about? Axel was trying to be nice and serve him pizza, but now he thought he was screwing up because he couldn't find a pizza cutter? Now, that _was_ actually kind of cute. Riku held back the chuckle that wanted to come out and smiled slightly at him instead.

"Everything's fine."

Axel's eyes brightened and he smiled back, looking visibly relieved. "It is? Uh… I mean, alright. Good." For a moment he just stood there holding Riku's gaze as if he had forgotten what he was doing, and something soft and warm came over his features. "So, uh… do you need anything else?"

Demyx and Marluxia snickered in unison, and Axel's expression transformed into a scowl in a matter of milliseconds.

"What the hell are you laughing at?"

"Your obvious brown-nosing," Marluxia (who seemed to be the main target of the scowl) replied with a slight smirk and a flutter of his eyelashes. "I had no idea you had so much ass-kissing in you."

Demyx broke out in desperate giggles.

"You _do_ seem uncharacteristically amiable today," he agreed with Marluxia. "One cannot help but wonder why..."

Axel glared at them, his cheeks reddening slightly. Riku would have smugly enjoyed the sight of that at any other time, but right now he was just glad he wasn't the only one blushing like a school girl. Ass-kissing or not, that look just now had made him hold his breath and his heart skip several beats. Immediately followed by a considerable tightening of his pants.

Maybe he should concentrate less on trying to think of something to say and more on managing to get through this dinner without making a fool of himself… Things had felt somewhat under control when it was just him and Axel, but sitting in front of Axel's friends with a blush and a hard-on was light-years out of his comfort zone.

Especially if they were going to make fun of them.

"I'm just taking care of Riku since I don't see _you_ being much of a host," Axel argued, pointing an accusing finger at Demyx. "But just continue stuffing yourself, by all means."

Demyx rolled his eyes.

"What do you expect me to do? It's _pizza,_ not a fancy dinner. Besides, he's kind of _your_ guest, Axel…"

Riku felt a twinge of guilt at that. Demyx appeared to be an easy-going guy and he hadn't seemed to mind Riku's presence so far, but still… Just because Axel was here, didn't automatically mean _he_ was welcome too. Demyx seemed cool with the whole gay thing and all, but maybe he still wasn't too thrilled about Axel having boyfriends over? And Riku wasn't even a boyfriend…

He wished he knew what the hell he was.

"I'll go out and find a hotel to stay at later," he said quietly, looking down in the vain hopes that his hair would hide his flushing cheeks.

His comment made everyone stop and look at him, except Axel, who was _staring_ and seemed to have frozen right in the middle of a movement.

"A hotel?" he protested a little too loudly after a few moments of awkward silence. "Why… You don't need a hotel; you can stay here, uh…" He turned to Demyx. "He can stay here, right? Don't forget you owe me one!"

Demyx rolled his eyes. "I thought that was why I was letting _you_ crash here… But I guess he can stay if he wants to. I like having people around." He smiled and winked at Riku. "And as much as I like Axel, I'll gladly let someone else handle his mood swings for a while…"

Riku smiled back carefully, not knowing if he honestly meant that.

"Thanks, but…"

"Then that's settled," Axel cut in like he had already agreed to stay, once more bursting into frantic motion. "Here's your pizza, baby. I'll show you around town tomorrow, if you'd like… Didn't you say you'd always wanted to come here?"

He plopped down on his chair next to Riku, beaming hopefully at him.

"I…" Riku started helplessly, clearing his throat. "Yeah, but…"

"We'll have fun," Axel interrupted again, slightly emphasizing the word 'fun' in a way that made Riku's cheeks burn hotter. He heard a poorly stifled snigger and saw out of the corner of his eye how Demyx was exchanging amused looks with Marluxia.

"We can talk about that later," Riku finally managed, desperately praying to whatever gods may be listening that this would _not_ turn into a repetition of what happened last time Axel treated him to dinner. Kiki might have been clueless, but Demyx and Marluxia clearly were not.

"Food first, I get it," Axel readily agreed, to Riku's great relief. "Dig in, or bon appétit or whatever the hell you're supposed to say. And you can still switch with me if you don't like yours…"

Riku rolled his eyes.

"I told you it's fine. Thanks."

Axel smiled nervously.

"Just… you know. You're not just saying that to be polite, right? Because it's totally fine if…"

"I don't really have a reason to be polite, do I?" Riku interrupted, starting to get annoyed. Two seconds later he wanted to stab himself with his fork.

Axel had shut his mouth and his eyes were staring widely into Riku's, and they seemed to continue to do so for endless awkward moments before flickering away.

"I guess you don't," he mumbled. "Sorry. I'll shut up."

Riku swallowed, afraid to look up at Demyx and Marluxia's faces. There was definitely no sniggering coming from them now… _Damn it!_ He hadn't meant to snap like that, and the last thing he wanted was more fighting. His pride wouldn't quite let him apologize, though. He had already apologized for the bruise, and after that it was _Axel's_ turn to apologize, if anything. Besides; how many times hadn't Axel snapped at him for absolutely no reason?

He looked away, stubbornly carving out a small square from the middle of his pizza. It didn't look all that appetizing – Axel's pizza _did_ look better, actually – but when he tasted it, it wasn't bad at all. Nice tomato sauce.

"It's really good," he told Axel, hoping to smooth over his slight outburst.

Axel smiled at him, but again it was looking nervous and strained. More so than before.

Maybe he was worried about what would happen after they had talked, as it seemed he really wanted Riku to stay. A legitimate concern, Riku had to admit, because…

What _would_ happen after they had talked?

He had no idea. It depended on what Axel had to say, he supposed. But... Was there really anything he _could_ say that would make a difference?

He would probably just end up having to go home. Alone.

He chewed his shrimp frantically, trying to push away the sudden despair filling him. He didn't _want_ to leave Axel. He didn't _want_ to talk. Couldn't they just leave things up in the air for a little while? Maybe they could even… Thoughts of dragging Axel away from the others filled his mind, pressing him up against the wall and tangling his fingers in his hair once more while kissing him breathless… If _he_ wanted it, and Axel didn't mind, then what the hell was the problem?

Maybe it would be easier to talk if that was out of the way?

_The problem is that Axel doesn't want it as much as you do,_ he had to remind himself. _He likes you, but you're nothing special._

It just… it wasn't enough.

His heart was sinking and the shrimp was starting to grow in his mouth, when Demyx suddenly cleared his throat.

"So Riku," he said, giving Riku a start and forcing him to look up from his plate. "Have you lived on Destiny Islands all your life? You look kind of pale for someone living on a paradise island… No offence."

He smiled disarmingly.

Riku swallowed his current mouthful, trying to get his head back down on earth to think of an answer.

"Axel said the same thing…" He threw a quick glance at the redhead by his side, and felt his traitorous cheeks heat up again as he remembered they had both been very naked at the time… He quickly continued before his mind got lost in the gutter forever. "Uhh… I was born there, but my parents weren't. I got their crap genes and burn as soon as I set foot outside." He tried to shrug casually and even managed to force a smile. "I get by with lots of sunscreen."

"Oh!" Demyx chuckled. "That sucks. But it must still be pretty cool to live in a place like that, right? It really sounds like paradise from what Axel has been telling me about the weather and the beaches!"

Riku grimaced, feeling his spirits sink again. _Beaches._ He bet Axel liked the beaches…Throwing another glance his way, he could clearly see the look of apprehension on his face and knew that he knew what he was thinking.

"It isn't so great when you've been stuck there forever. It's small and boring and nothing happens," he answered, carefully avoiding looking at Axel and hoping that his less than cheerful attitude would cue Demyx in that he wasn't really in the mood for conversation.

He was wrong it seemed, as Demyx just nodded with a small smile on his lips. "I know what it's like; I grew up in a small place too. It could hardly be called a paradise, though. Then I came here to be a rock star…" He rolled his eyes, chuckling at himself. "Well, that hasn't happened yet, but at least I'm in a band."

"They suck," Axel cut in.

"You think _everything_ that isn't metal sucks," Demyx argued, looking slightly offended for a moment before the smile was back. "What kind of music are you into, Riku?"

Riku squirmed uncomfortably, not knowing what to say. He guessed this was his chance to prove he was a nice guy worthy of Axel's affections and not the aggressive, awkward stalker he had probably been coming off as so far, but… To say he wasn't up for it right now was an understatement of epic proportions. And did they really have to talk about music, of all things? What difference did it make what kind of music you listened to?

"Enough with the interview already," Axel answered for him, sensing his discomfort. "He's hungry, let him eat. He's hopeless with music anyway."

"I'm just making conversation!" Demyx complained, looking hurt enough to make Riku feel bad. He _did_ want to eat in peace, but Demyx lived here, and if he wanted to know what kind of person he was housing, he had all the right in the world to ask whatever questions he pleased. Especially when Axel was acting all weird with a giant bruise on his face.

Riku would have wanted some answers too.

"I just don't care that much… Though I turn on the radio sometimes," he answered Demyx, preparing to once again be told how he was missing out on this and that band, and how awesome they were, which was what usually happened.

But Demyx just chuckled, sticking his tongue out at Axel. "Really? Don't you get terribly bored with Axel then? All he talks about is music! And sex, I guess… but that's the part where I stop listening."

Riku couldn't help a slight chuckle. _That's the part where I START listening,_ he wanted to answer, but knowing that he would just start to blush and stutter, he didn't. Demyx was right, though; Axel _was_ kind of predictable.

"Uhm, yeah…" He glanced at Axel again, who was now watching him with a slightly pouty look on his face. "Though I get a lot of the music too… He's been trying to educate me."

At this, there was a sudden glint in Axel's eyes.

"You didn't look very bored to me," he commented innocently.

_So much for not making a fool of myself,_ Riku thought as he felt his face explode in what must surely have been a deep and pure tomato red.

He knew what Axel was getting at. Sometimes he liked to listen to music while they had sex, especially a few chosen songs he claimed were made for it, and Riku could only agree. Especially about this one song. It was something about the rhythm; slow and heavy… Axel's hips rocking into him, slow and steady at first, then harder and faster as the song progressed. You knew what was coming at every beat and the pleasure just kept building until it couldn't be contained, and then Riku would come so hard he almost blacked out.

_Don't think about it, don't think abou-_

But it was too late. Lust clawed at his gut and before he knew it, he was hard. Not just a little, but achingly, ready-to-go hard. Thankfully the table hid his crotch from view, but his burning cheeks were probably just as telling.

_God._ It had been more than a week now since he last slept with Axel. Nine days today, to be precise. He tried to remind himself that just a month ago he would have laughed at such a luxury problem, but it didn't help. All he could do was stare helplessly at Axel, which was probably the worst thing he could have done, since again it seemed he knew exactly what he was thinking.

_Why_ did he have to be so hot when he was smirking like that?

"Ooohoho!" Demyx cheered happily, face cracking up in an enormous grin. "I think we're talking sexy songs here! I have a whole library of those, I even wrote one myself! Maybe you want to hear it?"

A contemptuous snort from Marluxia saved Riku from having to answer that.

"As if anyone would want to hear your croaking while they're about to get it on."

"Hey!" Demyx protested. "Just last week this girl told me I have a sexy voice!"

"Was she drunk?"

Demyx pouted. "Maybe a little… I tried to call her the next day, but she hung up."

Both Axel and Marluxia laughed mercilessly at this and despite his current predicament, Riku couldn't help nervously chuckling along with them. He wondered if Demyx really was such a bad singer or if it was just something his friends liked to joke about. Mostly he was just glad the attention wasn't on him anymore, though.

"Maybe my voice wasn't so sexy on the phone," Demyx muttered sheepishly.

"Maybe it _never_ was," Axel replied, cracking up even more.

"That's so _mean!_" Demyx whined. "Maybe I should tell you what _I_ think about _your_ annoying voice! Or maybe I should remind you of what you told me the first time we met?"

Axel choked on his laughter, looking slightly suspicious. "What? What did I say?"

"I remember," Marluxia said, suddenly looking very amused. "Something about cute, blond singers with _sexy voices,_ wasn't it?"

"Indeed," Demyx said smugly, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Tch," Axel snorted, reclining in his chair. "So what? Everybody knows I'd say anything when I'm in the mood for…"

He interrupted himself, as suddenly he and everyone else seemed to remember Riku was still there. Three pairs of eyes simultaneously directed at him.

Riku swallowed, trying his best to look neutral while the words 'cute' and 'blond' echoed within his skull. And _'say anything'?_

"Whatever," he muttered, managing a shrug.

"Uhm," Axel stuttered uncomfortably. "Not to _you_, of course!"

"Nice save," Marluxia commented, rolling his eyes.

"It's true!" Axel protested. "Come on, look at him! Like I'd need to make anything up!"

"_Aww_," Demyx said, grinning and once more fluttering his eyelashes in that highly annoying way.

Riku was blushing again, though he didn't quite know why. Was it _anything_ like this for Axel? All these stupid, _stupid,_ uncontrollable feelings shifting what seemed like every other god-damned second? Horny, then angry, then suddenly delirious happiness that could easily shift into darkest despair at any moment, and then back to horny, horny, horny…

_He's probably just horny_, Riku thought wryly, his gut twisting in bitter jealousy.

He didn't think Axel had been making that part about cute blonds up, and he didn't doubt Axel thought Demyx fit the bill. He _was_ cute. He seemed easy to get along with, too.

"The first time Axel and I met, he told me to piss off," he muttered, remembering how those words had felt like a slap in face.

Demyx and Marluxia chuckled, not noticing – or possibly ignoring – the bite Riku failed to keep out of his voice.

Axel noticed, at least.

"Come on!" he protested. "I've made up for that a hundred times already! I just had a shitty day!"

"I wouldn't worry about it," Marluxia said, unexpectedly coming to Axel's aid. "He's just a charmer like that. The first time _I_ met him, he said I looked like a little girl."

Axel stuck his tongue out at him. "You still do."

Marluxia rolled his eyes.

"And you made that face too. It was cuter when you were eight."

Axel snatched his tongue back in, preparing for a retort, but Demyx was faster.

"Guys," he said warningly. "No fighting."

There was a long, weird look exchanged between Axel and Marluxia, and Riku had no idea what it meant. After a while they both looked away and nothing more happened, but the whole exchange still made Riku feel vaguely uneasy. The vibe they had going on between them, it was just… He didn't like it.

Demyx cleared his throat.

"So, anyway, back on topic. I need some advice, guys."

"About what?" Axel drawled.

"The girl, of course!" Demyx exclaimed. "The sexy-voice girl!"

Axel and Marluxia looked bored.

"I know she hangs out at the Rat Cellar," Demyx insisted. "I've seen her there before. And on Friday we have another gig there, and I wrote this song…"

"No," Axel and Marluxia said in unison.

Demyx pouted. "You haven't even heard it! And I didn't mean I would stand up on stage and dedicate it to her, or something cheesy like that, I was just thinking maybe afterwards I could tell her I thought of her when I wrote it… in private, you know?"

"Then she swoons and falls into your arms?" Axel said sceptically.

Demyx looked miserable. "Is it really such a terrible idea?"

"Yes," Marluxia replied.

"Just what the hell do you two know about girls, anyway," Demyx muttered. "Okay, how about this, then? One of you is my wing man, and after the gig when you see me talking to the girl you come up and say something like 'hey, Demyx, what was that new song you played? It was awesome, man!' And then I say, like, 'thanks, glad you liked it, that song means a lot to me, I was thinking of someone special when I wrote it', and then I give her this mysterious look…"

"_Jesus Christ,_" Axel moaned, burying his face in his hands.

Demyx face fell, and Riku felt sorry for him.

"I think it sounds sweet," he said. Honestly he could not see what was so bad about either idea… If someone would have done something like that for him, then yeah, maybe it would have been a little embarrassing, but it would have made him happy too.

Demyx shone up.

"Really?"

Riku just nodded, his throat suddenly feeling too thick to form words when he noticed out of the corner of his eye how Axel was studying him silently. Did he know what he was thinking again? His blush intensified.

If _Axel_ had done something like that… Riku might very well have swooned and fallen into his arms. Or at least _wanted_ to. God, something was wrong with him. Feeling like this just _couldn't_ be normal.

"Hah!" Demyx shouted, pointing at Axel and Marluxia. "I _knew_ it was a good idea! You're just too jaded to know good romance when you hear it!"

"That's good to know," Marluxia replied flatly. Riku thought he sounded a bit offended. "In my opinion you're just setting yourself up for a hard fall. Why don't you just tell her you think she seems like a nice person and ask her if you can talk over a beer? If she's even remotely interested, she'll say yes, and if she doesn't, then most likely your little plan would have failed miserably anyway, and you've saved yourself a headache."

Demyx stared at him. "Wow, Marly, that's… that kind of makes sense!"

"At least you're not too stupid to know it when you hear it," Marluxia snapped.

"Uh, okay… What did I say this time?" Demyx took a deep breath, looking confused but honestly remorseful. "Was it the jaded thing? It was, wasn't it? Maybe I was talking a little too fast there… Uhh… Sorry?"

Marluxia gave him a long stare, his expression slowly returning to calm and unreadable. Then he shrugged and looked away. Riku couldn't tell if that meant the apology was accepted, or if it was just a mask slipping back into place.

_Too jaded._ He wondered what it meant. It had been directed at Axel too, hadn't it? Glancing his way, Riku couldn't make out any particular emotion on his face.

Maybe Marluxia had just overreacted? He was kind of weird.

"Marly the relationship expert," Axel commented dryly, then turned to Demyx. "I hate to say it, but he's right. You're making it too complicated. Just have a few beers and have fun with it. You don't know her, it'll just be weird if you start babbling about her being special and writing her songs and shit. You'll scare her off."

Demyx nodded like it was sage advice, but Riku was feeling his stomach growing cold. Was that was Axel was thinking about him too? That he was complicating things? That he should just relax and _have fun with it?_ What the hell did that even mean?

He was tempted to ask, but didn't. He was also tempted to say that he didn't think there was anything wrong with telling someone how you felt about them. Wouldn't it be lying otherwise? Was that what Axel wanted, that he should ignore his feelings and pretend he was fine and dandy with just having sex so that _he_ could enjoy it without having to care?

"I might have said a little too much when I called her," Demyx said slowly. "Maybe that's why she hung up on me… Shit! What if I blew it already?"

"I'd blame it on the hangover, and just act cool," Axel replied. "It could work."

"I'll give it a shot," Demyx sighed. "Hey, so are you guys coming to the gig?"

Marluxia shrugged.

"Larxene's going," he said, as if that explained everything. Apparently it did.

"Great!" Demyx exclaimed. "How about you, Axel? …Riku? Are you staying until Friday?"

He flickered his gaze between them expectantly. Riku swallowed. How the hell was he supposed to answer that?

"I…" Axel started, eyeing him uncertainly. "I don't exactly have a time plan… Uh, I guess Riku, you need to get back home? For school?"

Riku averted his eyes.

"It doesn't matter."

"It doesn't?"

"No."

"Uhh… Okay." Axel looked puzzled. "Why not?"

"I already skipped all of last week," Riku snapped at him. "So what if I miss another one?"

He realized he was glaring, and squeezed his eyes shut. Damn, he was losing it…

He heard Axel draw breath, no doubt to ask him to explain.

"...Because everyone saw me kissing you at Selphie's party!" Riku snarled before he had time to speak. It came out harsher than he had intended, but what was he supposed to say? Everything was shit, basically. "Now everyone thinks I'm a freak and apparently they've got nothing better to talk about. Sora even got in a fight over me. My parents also know, and now they want to stop paying my rent so I'll have to move back home where they can keep a leash on me."

There was also the part about how he'd missed Axel so much he'd been too miserable to even get up and brush his teeth in the morning, but that he kept to himself.

He stared Axel in the eye. "I guess I don't have a time plan either. Or any fucking plan whatsoever."

"Oh…" Axel looked sympathetic for a moment, but then his eyes brightened. "Well, as I said, you can stay here and I'd be happy to show you around! I know we have some, uh… _stuff_ to clear up, but… Anyway, it could be fun. If you take a breather, I'm sure things back home will look better… it's not like your parents kicked you out on the street, right? And school kids are always retarded. Just give the first few people who says something stupid a nice shiner like this," he pointed to his eye, "and I'm pretty sure you won't have to take anymore crap. No one likes to get beaten up by a fruitcake."

Riku rolled his eyes, feeling back at the verge of tears again. Did his problems really seem that stupid to Axel?

"I forgot. Everything is easy in your world."

"He's right, though," Marluxia cut in. "That's how I made it through school."

Axel nodded vigorously, for once smiling at Marluxia instead of snapping at him. "Yeah! He may have looked like a little girl, but everyone was afraid of him. Me included…"

Marluxia snorted.

"Well, we'll see." Riku wasn't sure he wanted to stay. It all depended on what Axel would have to say once they talked, but he doubted anything would change. There wasn't even a reason to worry about him anymore, since all his paranoid delusions of Axel being suicidal and going back to drugs had been proven wrong. "I'll probably go home tomorrow."

Axel's face fell.

"But, baby…"

"STOP calling me 'baby'!" Riku snarled at him. "I'm not your boyfriend. We're just _friends_, remember? There's no reason for me to be here. I don't even know why I came."

Axel was starting to look pale.

"I'm really glad you did, though," he whispered.

"We'll see," Riku repeated.

Axel leaned a little closer, touching his shoulder carefully.

"I'd be very happy if you stayed…" he coaxed. "I mean, are you really going to leave so soon after going through all the trouble of coming here? It's not exactly next-door… How did you even find my mom? I don't remember telling you her name…"

Riku closed his fist under the table, refusing to look him in the eye.

"That's because you didn't. I asked _Roxas._" He stabbed at a shrimp with his fork, and didn't notice how everyone suddenly went quiet again. Something within him had softened momentarily when Axel had looked so disappointed about him going back home, but now it just hurt.

No way was he going to be the guy Axel fucked to get over Roxas. The guy he fucked because he couldn't have Roxas. _No way._

"Oh," Axel breathed faintly. "Right. Of course you did. Who else would you ask…"

It sounded almost like he was talking to himself, and now he _really_ looked pale when Riku glanced at him, a hint of panic in his eyes. Marluxia and Demyx were both wearing puzzled frowns.

"Wait a minute," Marluxia demanded, pointing at Riku, but keeping his gaze fixed on Axel, "What the hell is this? This guy knows Roxas? _The_ Roxas?"

Axel looked down, saying nothing.

"Axel?" Marluxia repeated.

"Roxas is my best friend's cousin," Riku informed him. "He visits sometimes."

Axel suddenly looked up again, still with that panic in his eyes as he stared pleadingly at Riku. _Pleading for what?_

Riku didn't know and he didn't care. He didn't like this, how Axel was weird and emotional and not himself at all with just one little mention of Roxas' name. _The_ Roxas.

"Axel was _very_ happy to find out," he continued mercilessly.

Marluxia cocked an eyebrow.

"It… wasn't like that," Axel protested weakly, wrapping his arms around himself and shrinking back in his chair.

"Hold on." This time it was Demyx speaking, wearing an expression of utter confusion, "Am I hearing this right? Axel, you met _Roxas_ on Destiny Islands?"

Marluxia had crossed his arms over his chest and sat leaned back in his chair watching Axel with a slight frown. "Sounds to me like he did more than just meet him. That's why you have that lovely bruise, isn't it?"

Demyx' eyes widened as he finally seemed to get it. "Wow. Uh… I mean, shit. No way. Or, uh… wow."

_Wow. _Yeah, you could say that.

"Yeah, he _met_ him," Riku snapped, no longer able to hold back. "He _fucked_ him. On one of the _paradise beaches_. When he was supposed to be with _me._"

Demyx gaped and there was an uncomfortably long silence finally interrupted by a shrug from Marly.

"Well, Axel is kind of a slut, if you hadn't noticed."

"_Marly!_" Demyx protested, a hand coming up to his mouth.

"What? You're going to tell me he's not?" He calmly turned back to Riku. "Besides, if it's Roxas we're talking about, I'm not surprised Axel can't keep his hands out of the cookie jar. Just accept it, and you're in for a much smoother ride."

Riku could just stare.

"Are you saying I should accept that he's going to sleep with other people behind my back?"

Marluxia raised an eyebrow.

"I thought you said you were just friends. But if it makes you feel better, he did it all the time when he was with Roxas."

It didn't make him feel better. He glared at Axel, still sitting quiet and unmoving wrapped in his own arms. Why wasn't he saying anything?

"Is that true?" he demanded.

Axel didn't respond.

"Yes, it's true," Marluxia answered impatiently. "I was _there._"

Riku didn't have time to fully realize the implications of that statement before Axel's head snapped up and then his entire body as he leaned over the table to glare murderously at Marluxia. Cutlery crashed to the floor and a glass of water tipped over, but Axel was apparently beyond caring.

"_Shut your fucking mouth, Marly!"_ he exploded. "What the hell is _wrong_ with you? And where the hell do you get off calling me a slut? You have _no fucking clue_ what happened! Even though you probably think you have it all figured out. But _he_ wanted it! _He_ kissed me and _he_ fucking asked for it! How the hell was I going to deny him anything? Explain that to me, you _pink, fucking CUNT!"_

Marluxia met his gaze without flinching but said nothing, just silently raised the toppled glass up again.

"Fuck! You piss me off!" Axel fell back in his chair, hands shaking. He glared all around him. "I don't want to hear a fucking word about Roxas. _Not a fucking word!_"

His voice cracked and he wrapped his arms about himself again, staring into his lap.

Riku licked his lips, a little taken aback by the sudden outburst.

"Fine," he gritted out, noting that his voice wouldn't quite hold either. "Let's just pretend everything is fucking FINE."

He willed himself to turn his attention back to his half-eaten pizza, ignoring the silence stretching longer and longer. In his head there was anything but silence.

_I was there, _Marluxia said.

There it was, black on white. Axel _had_ slept with Marluxia. While Roxas was his boyfriend no less. It made Riku feel sick. Was that really the kind of person Axel was? Just sleeping around without caring about anybody's feelings except his own? He had said he loved Roxas, but _still_ he would do something like that…

Maybe Axel really wasn't boyfriend material, just like he said.

He stole a glance at Marluxia. His face was stony and his gaze fixed on a random spot at the table, but it was still remarkable how beautiful he was. Smooth, flawless skin, shiny hair (who would _ever_ have thought pink hair would look good on a guy?) flowing down to frame his perfectly symmetrical face. Bright blue eyes. Full, perky lips curving teasingly to form a natural pout.

He could easily see how Axel would be all over that and suddenly he was jealous as well as angry. Not that Axel and Marluxia seemed to be on very good terms anymore, but there was obviously history between them… While he didn't have anything with Axel. Just a short fling.

He was an idiot, travelling vast oceans just to talk things out with a guy he'd practically just met. He was in love, but Axel wasn't; and that was all there was to it. What else needed to be said? What _could_ be said?

He was just about to stand up, grab his things and go, when Demyx suddenly cleared his throat.

"Axel..? Are you alright?"

Riku looked up expecting to see some change in Axel's expression, but he had not moved at all. However, he did shake his head slightly to answer Demyx' question.

"I feel... kind of sick," he whispered.

Upon closer inspection Riku thought he could see tiny beads of sweat forming on his upper lip and the bridge of his nose. Was he that stressed out? Because he was leaving? Or because of Roxas?

Axel coughed, then suddenly he cursed, clasping a hand over his mouth as he stood up and ran for the bathroom. Riku winced as moments later he could hear him heave into the toilet.

X

"Roxas..."

Axel clutched the toilet bowl, trying to calm his bowels down. Tears dimmed his vision and nothing was coming up because he still hadn't managed to eat anything, but that didn't seem to stop his stomach from trying to turn itself inside out. His head was hammering, chaotic thoughts crashing and burning against his injured temple. Throbbing anxiety carving mercilessly through his flesh.

What the hell had happened? How, how, _how_ had everything spiralled so out of control? When he'd tried his fucking hardest to be nice, to avoid this.

But he knew exactly how.

"_How did you even find my mom?"_

If he had thought two seconds before he opened his big, fat mouth, he would have figured out that _of course_ Roxas would have been the only person Riku could have asked how to find him in Menelflor, and then he would never had asked that stupid question. Roxas would never have been mentioned and fucking Marly wouldn't have… _Fuck! _What the hell was his problem, calling him a slut and a cheater in front of Riku?

"_Fucking asshole,_" he sobbed into the toilet bowl. Even if they weren't friends anymore and Axel had known Marly would hardly be glad to hear about Roxas, he had not expected something like this from him, and somewhere it hurt; deeply.

Maybe he was right, though.

He knew that as soon as Marly and Demyx had figured out he'd slept with Roxas again, they had assumed it had happened just like way back when they were together. That he had somehow _made_ him do it.

Then that shadow had come crashing down on him, the one that had shrunk to almost nothing ever since that night on the beach. The doubts. He had not forced Roxas to do anything _then_, but the fact still remained that at all other times, he had. It was just too good to be true that those times would be forgotten and made up for with just one time getting it right. Especially thinking about how miserably the night had ended.

Maybe he was fooling himself, thinking it had been the right thing to do. Maybe he was just thinking that because it was what he wanted to think, because he so desperately wanted to be free of that old guilt. Maybe the right thing to do would have been to resist Roxas, to tell him to go be happy with his girlfriend instead.

Maybe then _he_ could have gone off and been happy with Riku instead.

His stomach turned so violently he almost choked.

_They're wrong, _he told himself desperately. _I didn't hurt him. They're wrong. It was right and it was worth it._

If it wasn't, he didn't know what to do with himself. He would have fucked up so majorly there was no way out. But that was why he was lying here clinging to the toilet, he supposed. He no longer knew if it was right or if it was worth it.

He had thought that maybe he could take losing Riku as long as he knew Roxas was alright and had forgiven him, but it was looking more and more like he had underestimated his feelings. It physically hurt when Riku was giving him those angry glares, not to mention when he said he was going to go back home tomorrow.

Especially after he had given him that ridiculous lighter. It had made Axel had think that there was still hope, that things could be fixed. He could have _sworn_ he'd felt the beginnings of an erection against his thigh when they hugged and that Riku had wanted to kiss him no matter what he said. And all those cute, cute blushes…

But evidently those were just meaningless physical reactions. Nothing was going to get fixed if Riku was just here to chew him out some more and then go back home. Fuck it all to hell, Riku was seriously an _asshole_ if that was what he was planning to do! Did he think he was the only one with a broken heart?

If he had come here because he genuinely was worried, because he regretted hitting him, because he didn't want to give up just because of Roxas... because he loved him anyway... Well, that would have been fucking _nice. _And that was the kind of person he had thought Riku was.

Someone who didn't care about the scars on his wrists, the tattoos on his face. His bad language, his temper, his skinniness. Lack of education and general uselessness. The flaws on the inside... he had hoped, at least, but it was probably hoping for too much.

Why would Riku put up with all that when he was the fucking epitome of gorgeous, flawless perfection? He could have anyone, and the only reason he was with Axel was because he didn't know there was a whole world full of perfectly nice, normal gay men out there.

Axel was screwed. Marly hated him, Riku hated him, his mom was mad at him; maybe even Demyx was mad at him now when he heard the news about Roxas. If Roxas was mad at him too…

_Maybe Riku has Roxas' phone number,_ he thought panicked. _Maybe I can get to his phone and copy it?_

He just _had_ to talk to Roxas again.

Or would that just make things worse?

He didn't know. He just didn't know.

X

"Oh, wow. Here we go again..."

Demyx sighed, eyeing the bathroom door as it slammed shut behind Axel.

Riku turned to him with a frown and out of the corner of his eye he saw Marluxia doing the same thing.

"He's been having trouble keeping food down," Demyx explained. "I don't know if it is because he's been drinking like a fucking sponge or if it's the concussion... He says he gets terrible headaches."

Riku met his gaze. The tone of Demyx' voice hadn't exactly been accusing, but somehow he could tell that there was something angry there, and after just a few moments he had to look away, vague feelings of shame churning uncomfortably deep in his gut.

Demyx turned to Marluxia instead.

"Your _input_ probably didn't help much either," he sighed. "You of all people should know you need to be a little careful with what you say around him! Do you even remember that you used to be friends?"

Marluxia rolled his eyes.

"I'll talk to him," he said, pushing back his chair and standing up.

Riku also stood.

"_I'll_ talk to him." Not that he had any clue what to say, but suddenly the thought of Axel alone in the bathroom with Marluxia bothered him immensely and all thoughts of leaving were out the window.

Marluxia eyed him up and down, jaws tightening.

"I think you've done enough _talking,_" he snapped. "This Roxas shit goes deep and the last thing Axel needs is some jealous teenager screaming at him. If screaming is even enough for you. Sit down, eat up and chill the fuck out."

_The nerve of this guy!_ Riku had to draw on every ounce of his last strength to keep himself from lunging over the table and knock his teeth out.

"Seems to me like the last thing he needs is _you,_" he growled through gritted teeth.

"I suspect he'd agree," Marluxia answered unfazed. "But unfortunately I'm the only person he can talk about these things with."

Apparently he considered the conversation to be over with those words, because then he just walked around the table and off towards the bathroom.

Closing his fists, Riku made a motion to follow him, but was stopped when Demyx gently grabbed his wrist.

"Uhh… I kind of also think you should sit down. You're so angry you're shaking."

"Of course I'm angry!" Riku snapped at him. Twisting around he growled at Marluxia's receding back, "I doubt there's anything you can say. He's upset because he hasn't talked to Roxas since… since it happened. But I have a letter from him."

Demyx did not release his wrist, but Marluxia stopped and slowly turned.

"A letter?"

"For Axel," Riku clarified. He could have pulled himself free from Demyx grip, but for some reason he didn't. He remained still, glaring at Marluxia as he slowly approached him.

"Where is this letter?"

"In my bag," Riku grit out. "I'll go get it." He shifted his glare towards Demyx until he silently released him and then went into the living room where his backpack stood leaned against the couch. He kneeled before it, working the zippers with shaking hands.

He didn't know if it was such a good idea to be giving it to Axel already... It would have been better if they could have talked first so he could hear what was in Axel's heart unbiased of Roxas' feelings. But maybe that was selfish thinking.

He had no right keeping the letter from Axel. It was _his, _and Riku would most likely not even be here if it wasn't for it. If he hadn't broken into Axel's apartment and _stolen_ it.

God, all of this was such a mess…

He found the envelope and stared at the bold lettering on its front as Marluxia and Demyx came up behind him, also peering down at it over his shoulders.

"Have you read it?" Demyx asked.

"Yeah."

"...What does it say?"

Riku didn't know what to answer so he just shrugged.

It was a sweet letter, really. Nothing he really minded if Axel read as far as he could remember, but for some reason he still hadn't been able to stomach looking at it again since he found it. Maybe because he thought it was _his _job saying sweet things to Axel.

Yeah, mighty fine job he was doing, there…

"It's not like I'm going to hit him again, if that's what you think," he found himself explaining to Demyx and Marluxia instead. "I never meant to hit him. I was just so mad... I had just found out about Roxas and he grabbed me and I…"

He trailed off as he felt a hand on his shoulder, and turning slightly he noticed Demyx had sat down behind him.

"You don't have to make excuses," he said. "I'm pretty sure everyone who knows Axel has wanted to punch him at one time or another… I've been tempted to deck him at least six times already, and that was just yesterday…"

He smiled disarmingly, and Riku let out a reluctant chuckle.

"I'm not sure drugging him is much better..."

Demyx laughed. "Maybe not... but if you ask me, Axel should come with a tranquilizer gun. He said he was going to smash my guitar!"

"He's a handful," Marluxia agreed. "Let me see that."

Without waiting for an answer he reached down over Riku's shoulder and promptly snatched the letter out of his hand. Then he opened it and started reading.

"Wait-" Riku begun to protest, but Marluxia silenced him with a look.

"I'll decide if he reads this or not," he said. "This Roxas thing is not good for him. It never was, and that's what I told him right from the beginning. I thought he was getting over it, though. If they've met again, I need to know what's going on."

He continued reading. Riku frowned, uncertain of what to do, and before he had decided whether or not he should take the letter back, Marluxia was already finished.

"I'll handle this," he said. Then he turned and walked into the bathroom.

"WAIT-" Riku snarled, scrambling to get to his feet, but again Demyx hand stopped him, this time pressing down on his shoulder.

"Just let him do it," he sighed. "I know he's annoying, but he's just worried."

"He has a funny way of showing it," Riku muttered, glancing at the bathroom door as it shut behind Marluxia.

"Yeah…" Demyx patted his shoulder, also looking absently at the closed door before turning his attention to Riku. "Look, I don't know if you know this, but you know those scars Axel has..?"

"I know. He did it after he and Roxas broke up."

"Yeah, alright…" Demyx cleared his throat. "Maybe you should also know that Marly is the only reason Axel is alive today. He found him in time and stopped the bleeding, and he was kind of stuck taking care of both Axel and his mother afterwards. So… he has his reasons for being a little over-protective. And for being angry."

Riku stared at him dumbly. He remembered Axel saying something about a friend saving his life; maybe he should already have guessed it was Marluxia. He groaned.

"Great… So he's not just Axel's old fuck-buddy, he's a god-damned hero."

Demyx chuckled slightly.

"Wow, man… Be glad they didn't hear that. Marly would hate anyone calling him 'Axel's fuck-buddy' forever, and Axel usually blows up if you so much as imply you think it was a good thing Marly saved his life… He seems to think he did it just to spite him."

Riku frowned.

"That doesn't make any sense."

Demyx nodded.

"I know. I like to think we got kind of close, me and Axel, with him living here for a while and everything, but half the time I don't get him at all." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "And I can never really talk to him, because he's so damned touchy about everything. I was hoping he'd loosen up eventually, but he moved away instead."

Riku stared at him silently.

So not even Demyx had a friction-free relationship with Axel. Maybe there was a pattern here.

Axel apparently hadn't managed more than a couple of hours with his mother before they were fighting. And it seemed he could barely tolerate the presence of Marluxia despite them being close friends since childhood. Then there was Roxas. And himself.

"He doesn't really get along with anyone, does he?" Riku asked quietly.

Demyx blinked.

"What? No, I… That's not true. Sure, he can be difficult and he's no saint, but he means well and he's a lot of fun too."

"_Fun_."

Riku's head was starting to hurt, and he was also starting to suspect there was only one type of fun you could ever have with Axel.

"Maybe he's been fucking you too," he snarled at Demyx, and saw his eyes almost triple in size.

"Hey, hey! No way!" he protested. "I'm all about the ladies! Jeez, chill out!"

Riku averted his eyes, already regretting opening his mouth. There was nothing that hinted at any kind of sexual relationship between Axel and Demyx (other than in Axel's dreams), and he hadn't really thought so for all the while he had been here. Maybe he really needed to chill the fuck out. No, what he really needed was the gym and a few rounds at the punching bag…

"Sorry," he muttered.

Demyx stood up, looking down at him with a slight frown. "You know, I get why you're mad, but Axel is my friend, and if you're just here to yell at him, I _will_ throw you out."

_I'd like to see you try,_ Riku wanted to say but settled for silently balling his fists.

Demyx crossed his arms, the frown slowly melting away.

"He really likes you, you know. I mean _really_. You should hear how he talks about you."

Riku closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. That was almost exactly what Roxas had told him too… Funny how everyone but _him_ got to hear these things Axel was supposedly saying about him.

Then he also stood and returned to the kitchen. He didn't want to hear anything more.

X

Axel's stomach turned again and he dry-heaved into the toilet at the exact same moment the door opened. Coughing and wiping at his eyes, he tried to look up to see who had entered, but his intestines cramped again and this time he felt the taste of bile in his mouth.

"Fuck," he sobbed, spitting and blinking tears.

He felt hands gather his hair together, keeping it away from his face. It felt familiar, but the wrong kind of familiar. _Not Riku._

"…Marly?"

"Yeah... Hold still."

Axel wanted to push him away, but new bile was rising in his throat and once it was out he was too tired to do anything. He felt light-headed.

"Leave me alone," was all he said, his voice coming out so thin and pathetic he wanted to cry. No… he was already crying.

Marly hushed him softly, helping him get to his feet so he could clean his face and hands under the tap, and Axel was thoroughly confused. What the hell was going on? Why was he suddenly being nice? His hands were once again in his hair, now tying it up in a ponytail.

It was weird, but as much as Axel hated to admit it, it calmed him somewhat. Even if he knew better now, it was hard-wired into his brain that Marly's presence meant someone was looking after him and that things were going to be okay, just like when he was a little boy and Marly would be there to chase the bullies away and blow on his bruises. Just like when…

Axel forced himself to stop thinking. All that was in the past and had nothing to do with the present. Present-Marly _hated_ him.

"Stop that," he sighed tiredly.

Marly stepped back.

"Are you alright?"

It was a multi-layered question, but Axel pretended not to notice.

"What does it look like?" he snarled. "I have a hangover and a fucking blistering headache. Guess my stomach wasn't ready for food."

Marly snorted.

"This has nothing to do with food. You barely touched your pizza."

Axel sighed again and turned around to look him in the eye.

"I don't want to talk about it, alright? Especially not with _you._"

As usual, there was no reaction from Marly. A slow blink, nothing more. Axel might as well have been talking about the weather.

"Too bad," Marly said tonelessly. "I'm not leaving until you do."

He crossed his arms and backed a few steps further away, blocking the door.

"Marly…" Axel growled in warning.

"_Axel,_" Marly growled back. "Tell me what's going on with Roxas."

"No."

They glared at each other, or rather; Axel glared while Marluxia calmly studied, his face unreadable. It wasn't hard to imagine what he was thinking, though.

"I know exactly what you're going to say, so you can just save it," Axel told him. "For your information, I'll probably never meet Roxas again, so this whole thing is over anyway."

"Over?" Marly took a step closer. "I don't think you're over anything. If you were, you wouldn't be so upset."

Axel scowled, backing away until he felt his heel hit the wall behind him.

"So what?" he lashed out. "It's none of your business!"

"I don't like seeing you upset," Marly stated matter-of-factly.

"I thought you didn't like seeing me _at all,_" Axel snarled, trying vainly to wipe his tears away. "Don't try to pretend you care how I feel when all you want to do is to rub my nose in how _stupid_ you think I am. Why the fuck did you have to say those things to Riku? Like he wasn't mad at me already!"

To his surprise, Marly looked away.

"I don't know. I thought I was helping," he said.

"_What the hell? _How the fuck would calling me a slut help anything? That's rich coming from you, by the way!"

Marly just rolled his eyes.

"You have your good sides and your bad sides," he stated cryptically. "How can he be with you if he doesn't accept both?"

Axel stared at him, but Marly held his gaze firmly. _He is fucking serious,_ Axel realized, suddenly feeling vexed beyond belief. Sometimes he really wondered if Marly had any contact with reality whatsoever.

"Wow. Do me a favour; don't ever try to help with anything again."

Marly's jaws tightened.

"I'm serious."

"I know!"

"Okay," Marly said after a moment. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

Axel made a face. _Sorry?_ He didn't believe that for a second. Marly was never sorry about anything, because he was convinced he always knew better than everyone else. More likely he was only saying it because he thought it was what Axel wanted to hear.

It was _this_, exactly this, he couldn't stand about Marly. Everything was an elaborate act and you could never tell what was fake and what was real emotion. Axel suspected there were none, and if there ever had been, Marly had killed it long ago with those heavy meds he took.

"You don't mean that," he spat at him.

Marly sighed.

"Yes I do. I overreacted. That Roxas thing… _surprised_ me."

Axel turned his head away, not wanting to show the new tears welling up.

"Just say it like it is. It pissed you off. You think I fucking raped him or something."

Marly mumbled something that sounded suspiciously much like _'it wouldn't have been the first time', _and Axel lost it. Whirling around he lunged for Marly, aiming for his face, but before he knew it he was pressed up against the wall, his arm painfully twisted behind his back.

"Ow!" He struggled despite the pain, and Marly pressed up closer behind him locking his legs with his own.

"Calm down!" he growled in Axel's ear, twisting his arm harder.

"Let go!"

"I will, if you _calm down._"

Axel didn't want to calm down. Struggling harder, he slammed his head backwards, hoping to smash it into Marly's face. It was only partially successful, as Marly's hold on him didn't let up, but he did give out a small grunt followed by a curse, meaning it at least hurt a little. Moments later though, Axel couldn't move at all. Marly had brought the hand previously pinned against the wall over his head down behind his neck, using it as leverage to press his face into the wall. Which really hurt.

"My eyebrow," Axel managed to gasp between whimpers.

"Oh!"

Suddenly he was free, only to discover all fight was gone from him and his knees were shaking. Turning his back against the wall, he slid down it until he was sitting on the floor, hiding his face in his hands. He was crying again.

"I'm sorry…" he heard Marly say. "I forgot. Are you okay?"

"No..! Get out."

He hadn't expected Marly to listen, so it didn't really surprise him when instead of leaving he heard him move over, thumping down beside him.

"You busted my lip..."

Axel lowered his hands slightly, and felt a small jolt of spiteful satisfaction at the sight of Marly sitting leaned against the wall examining bloody fingertips. There was a small cut in his lower lip, trickling blood down his chin. Most likely he had bit himself when Axel headbutted him.

"Serves you right."

Marly turned his head towards him, raising an eyebrow.

"_You_ attacked me."

"I told you to leave me alone."

Marly heaved a sigh and closed his eyes, his head rolling back to face forward.

"I don't know why I care," he said, although so quietly Axel didn't know if he had meant it to be heard. Then he wiped the blood off his chin, and added, "I don't think you _raped_ him, by the way. I don't know what I think. I just think it's stupid you would choose to involve yourself with Roxas again when it nearly destroyed you the last time you did."

He glanced at Axel, who had to look away.

"I know you'd think that," he grumbled. "Which is why I don't want to talk about it."

"Because you know I'm right?"

Axel glared at him, but calmed down somewhat as the light smirk on Marly's face seemed to be of the playful, teasing kind.

"You're _wrong,_" he settled for snarling. "And it's nothing to fucking smirk about!"

Marly rolled his eyes, but thankfully shut up.

"I didn't '_choose to involve myself'_ with him," Axel muttered after a second. "If I'd had a choice, I would have stayed as far from him as I possibly could. And he from me, I suspect."

Marly turned to look at him again.

"So… it was pure chance?"

"Yeah. I meet a guy whose best friend is Roxas' fucking _cousin_, what are the odds of that?"

"Doesn't sound very likely, no."

They were both quiet, Axel wiping at his eyes trying to collect himself. It was just… Roxas, Riku, _Marly_… his feelings were all over the place and his head throbbed like mad. He had never liked discussing Roxas with Marly, and it wasn't just because he knew Marly had always disliked their relationship. It was because he knew Marly did a_ lot _more than dislike it; he loathed it, hated it, would have done anything to end it.

And with good reason. Axel had always wondered what Marly felt, being a rape victim himself, watching his best friend doing it to someone else.

He had never asked, though. He didn't _want_ to know, because he knew what _he_ would have thought.

In the depths of his heart he also knew that this had been the breaking point, when things started to go bad between him and Marly. It was never Marly's fault, it was his own. Because of what he had done and because he couldn't stand knowing what Marly must think of him.

It had been important once, what Marly thought of him. And somehow it still was, even after everything… He glanced at Marly and hastily looked away again when he found him looking back.

"Look at me," Marly said.

"Why?" Axel muttered, refusing to turn his head.

"That eyebrow…" Marly suddenly grabbed hold of his chin, gently turning his head towards him.

"It doesn't look too good," he commented after a moment. "Seems like it needs stitches. I suppose you haven't let a doctor look at it?"

Axel sighed heavily. At least it wasn't another question about Roxas.

"I fucking hate hospitals, and you know it," he muttered. "Anyway, I'm fine. Headaches and nausea are normal after a concussion, I looked it up."

Marly mumbled something that sounded like 'your head is probably too thick to hurt', and Axel glared at him.

"Just leave me alone."

Instead Marly ignored him again.

"You should still tend to the wound. Or is that what you think that ridiculous little plaster is doing?"

"There used to be more," Axel muttered looking down. "I guess I scratched them off. It fucking itches, okay?"

"Have you at least _cleaned_ it?"

"What are you, my mom?" Axel snapped, but Marly only stared blankly at him. It wouldn't surprise him if the bastard actually thought he was. "Demyx bought disinfectant and shit," he admitted tiredly. "And I showered today. It's clean enough."

"Disinfectant?" Marly repeated, standing up. "In here?" He turned to the cabinet over the sink searching through its contents, until he found the bottle of disinfectant, some cotton wads and the pack of plaster tape Demyx had also bought.

Axel just watched tiredly. He really _was_ going to mother him… But _why?_

"Sit," Marly said, gesturing towards the toilet, and Axel obeyed, as much as it galled him. Sometimes there just was no use arguing with Marly. And he guessed his eyebrow _could_ use some looking after…

Neither of them said anything as Marly worked, except some curses at the stinging of the disinfectant, and that weird feeling was starting to creep up on Axel again, that he was safe. Once when he was thirteen, he had fallen off his bike trying to impress Marly with a trick, and scraped his cheek and hands up pretty bad. Marly had taken care of him then too; the situation almost identical to this… sitting on the toilet lid while Marly cleaned him up and bandaged him, heads close together and Marly's face so pretty that he'd completely forgotten that it hurt (and nearly how to breathe).

It had ended with a kiss…

His eyes had flickered towards Marly's mouth before he could stop himself, and angrily he squeezed them shut. What the hell was wrong with him? He did _not_ want to kiss him, he was mad at him; mad as fucking hell!

"Are you done?" he barked.

"Mhmm," Marly hummed, and Axel flinched as he could suddenly feel him touch his cheek. Wiping a tear away… "Does it feel better?"

"Maybe," Axel admitted sullenly, fingering the edges of his now taped up eyebrow.

"Don't pick at it."

"Shut up."

They stared at each other, none of them moving. Axel had a feeling Marly wouldn't let him.

"Can I go now?" he tried anyway.

"Not until you tell me what happened," Marly answered, unexpectedly gently. He moved backwards, leaning back at the wall again, patting the floor beside him. "Come sit next to me."

"Marly…" Axel pleaded, "I don't have time for this. I _need_ to talk to Riku. He better be here still, or I swear I'll –"

"Don't worry," Marly interrupted. He smiled, half amused and half smug. "I suspect he won't leave as long as I'm here. I think he hates that we're alone together."

Axel groaned.

"Great. Just fucking great. Now he's going to be even more pissed. For no fucking reason! Thanks a lot, Marly."

Marly didn't even blink.

"If you're in such a hurry, I suggest you start talking."

X

It took a long time to get it all out, and it wasn't easy, but somehow Axel managed. After a while it had almost started to feel… not good, but strangely relieving. Like putting words to it cleaned up in his head and his tangled mess of emotions. And Marly was a good listener, he had to admit. He had always been. He let you finish and he never got upset by anything.

Maybe it was just because he didn't like to talk much himself and because he was so zoned out on his pills, but still.

Riku would have been mad. Very, very mad. Especially about that part where Axel purposely ignored his phone ringing in favour of making out with Roxas. Demyx wouldn't have been mad, but he would have said something stupid. As would everyone else he knew. His mother would have said something drunk _and_ stupid, then whooped him over the head.

Marly had yet to pass his moral judgement.

"I don't care what you or anyone else thinks," Axel stated, trying his best to sound like he meant it. "I don't regret anything. Roxas wanted it, and for once it was just right. I wanted him to have that. _I_ wanted to have that."

Marly still said nothing, and Axel balled his hands into fists. He felt like his nerves were crawling outside of his skin, but he refused to show it and stared Marly in the eye defiantly.

"I know it doesn't make up for the things I've done, but at least it was _something._ Is that fucking wrong? Trying to make something better?"

"_Is_ it better?" Marly asked, calmly returning his gaze.

Well, that was the billion dollar question, wasn't it? Axel opened his mouth and closed it again, his jaws working without producing any sound.

"I don't know," he whispered finally. "It _was_ better, until we got back. It was late… Riku was really drunk and I think he had his suspicions about what we had been doing. He was yelling and making a scene and then he dragged me away before I could say anything more to Roxas."

He paused, drawing a deep breath.

"The next day, it seemed like everyone knew, so I guess Roxas spilled the beans. I don't know how he feels now."

He looked down, feeling a lump forming in his throat.

"Hey, don't cry," Marly said scooting closer and putting a hand on his shoulder. Axel shrugged it off.

"Look," Marly tried again, "I've got something for you." He waved something before Axel's eyes_. An envelope?_

"What's that?"

"A letter."

Axel frowned.

"You wrote me a letter?"

"No, not me," Marly chuckled. "Roxas. Riku had it with him."

Axel felt his breath catch in his throat, staring wide-eyed at the envelope still in Marly's hands.

"Roxas..?"

Was it true? Was it really..? And _Riku_ brought it?

Marly waved it again. "Go on, take it."

Swallowing heavily Axel took it, hands shaking so badly he could barely open it. Did he even want to open it? What if..? He stared at Marly helplessly.

"I…"

Marly seemed to understand, and this time Axel didn't shy away when Marly took his hand.

"I wouldn't give it to you if I thought there was anything in there that would hurt you."

For a short moment Axel thought that was sweet. Then he blinked.

"You _read_ it?"

"Yeah."

"You motherfucking..! _You read it?_ You had it all along and you _read_ it? You should have given it to me right away! Instead you let me sit here and cry and make me tell you all that shit?"

"Calm down. I just needed to know how you would react to it."

"_Calm down?_" Axel didn't know what to say. Looking at Marly's blank face, he could clearly see that he had no idea why Axel was even upset.

"You don't read other people's mail," he explained exasperated. "You just don't. _Especially_ not when you know it's personal!"

Marly's expression was blank.

"I never want to find you in a bathtub again. I'll do whatever I think is necessary."

Axel wanted to punch him in the face.

"Don't… not that, Marly."

To his surprise, Marly just nodded.

"No fighting," he said, echoing Demyx. Then he smiled; a beautiful genuine smile that took Axel entirely by surprise. "Read the letter instead. I don't want to spoil, but I think it'll make you feel better."

X

_AN: This chapter was brought to you by the wondrous delete button! I have discovered that I write too much, but now, instead of trying to write myself out of confusing, never-ending paragraphs, I delete them! Less is more! I have a long way to go, but I feel liberated!_

_And yeah, as usual; you wonderful, patient souls who still read this… sorry for this extremely late update! D:_


	17. Love and shit

I rise from the dead! Here's a brief summary/reminder to (hopefully) get you somewhat back on track:

Riku has left Destiny Islands to follow Axel to his home town, where he fled after they "broke up". With the help of Axel's childhood friend Marluxia, he finally finds him crashing on the couch at his friend Demyx' place.

Last chapter, the boys were having a pizza dinner which ended in drama when Riku made it known that Axel had cheated on him with Roxas. A combination of headache, hangover and stress made Axel so nauseous he took to the bathroom throwing up.

Marluxia followed him in there (which Riku was less than pleased with) to calm him down, apologize for the nasty things he said and deliver Roxas' letter that Riku brought.

God, I suck at this. Read the chapter!

* * *

**Love and shit**

X

_Axel,_

_I've tried to write this letter like a thousand times now, and it sounds retarded no matter what I do, so you'll just have to stand it. I just want to make sure you get some basic things…_

_1. I don't regret what we did, because it was amazing and I can't even begin to explain what it meant to me (sappy, I know). I hope you don't regret it either… but I'm sorry if it messed things up with Riku. Which leads me to:_

_2. If you can make up with him, you should, because he's a nice person and he would be good for you, not like the scumbags you usually hang out with. And I know you like him way more than you want to admit. I've seen you be in love before, you know…_

_3. This is most important; DON'T DOUBT YOURSELF! Maybe you don't see it, but take my word for it, you've really changed… And you've always been smarter than the other losers. You're on your way towards something good, so just keep on going and you'll make it. I know it.  
You just need to believe in yourself, and you're not trash just because of what has happened in the past. At least I don't think so…_

_Maybe I sound like an idiot and you don't care what I think, but I'll take my chances in case you do… I'm glad I met you again, and I forgive you for everything. I'm gonna 'stay with the girl', but I think some part of my heart will always belong to you._

_Roxas_

_013-4647388 (Don't call if it isn't important... at least not for a couple of weeks, Naminé will be pissed)_

X

Axel read it once. Then he read it again, and a third time before he was finally starting to comprehend what it said. Then a fourth time for good measure.

"I like how he indirectly called me a scumbag, there," Marly commented softly, nodding towards the letter in Axel's hands. "_And_ a loser. What did I ever do to him?"

Axel laughed through the tears he could no longer hold back, leaning slightly on Marly's shoulder. The relief flooding him was so intense he was glad he was sitting down, or else his legs might have given out under him. He folded the letter back up, pressing it against his chest and smiled sheepishly at Marly.

"I guess he didn't like that I slept with you on the side…"

"You told him that?" Marly was frowning slightly.

"No… But I'm pretty sure he could guess. Just like everyone else."

Marly gave him a flat look.

"Everyone else didn't have to guess. I remember quite a bit of obnoxious bragging."

Axel shrugged, feeling a little embarrassed. Marly was right; he had more than one memory of himself drunkenly recounting their sexual exploits to a horrified audience while Marly rolled his eyes and told him to shut the hell up.

"Who wouldn't brag about something like that," he mumbled. "Getting your hot, _straight_ best friend in bed is like the ultimate achievement…"

Marly snorted. "You must be the only person in the world who still considers me straight. And exactly _how_ is getting in bed with me an achievement?"

"Because I got it for free," Axel retorted, poking him in the side.

He was feeling light-hearted, almost giddy. He had Roxas' phone number! And there were a million things he wanted to tell him… For one, that his letter was _not_ retarded. Every word was like balm on Axel's soul, how could he _possibly_ think that was retarded?

But that was just like his little Roxie; shy and awkward and embarrassed about the most peculiar things…

He leaned a little heavier on Marly. Suddenly he no longer wanted to get out of the bathroom. Out there waited more problems in the form of Riku, while in here he could just sit and be content. He didn't even mind Marly being with him, as long as he didn't start bitching again, but Axel didn't think he would.

"I was so worried he might have changed his mind…" he said slowly. "Everything about that night was so… It was like a dream."

Marly hummed quietly, giving him a sideways look.

"Are you going to call him?"

Good question. Axel wet his lips, hesitating.

"Eventually. I should probably lie low for now…"

He wanted to call, but if he did, he'd probably fuck everything up again. It was safer to wait, get a little distance and perspective to what had happened before they talked about it. At least now he knew Roxas was okay.

…_some part of my heart will always belong to you._

_Holy hell,_ that was sweet! So sweet Axel secretly wanted to squeal. Maybe he should at least text him and let him know that was absolutely true for him as well?

"_Eventually,_ you say," Marly bluntly interrupted his train of thought. "Does that mean you're _not_ going to try to hook up with him again?"

Axel sighed, turning his head to look at him.

"Yes, it does."

Marly's face didn't really change, but Axel could tell he was pleased to hear that. It was annoying and relieving at the same time. When Marly was _not_ pleased with him, he always felt like a little boy caught doing something naughty. He hated that Marly still had that effect on him even more than the feeling itself.

He gripped the letter tighter.

"We _talked _about it," he admitted. "A little. I wanted to then, but…" he swallowed, because it was hard to say this. "…I don't think it would be good for me. Or for him. There's too much baggage. I owe him too much."

Marly's expression softened.

"It's good to hear you're thinking like that. I don't think it would be good for you either."

"Oh, I know what _you_ think," Axel muttered sarcastically.

"I guess you do," Marly agreed, giving him a slight smile.

"Psh."

Axel had stiffened, but relaxed against Marly's shoulder again, closing his eyes. He was going to pretend Marly was still smiling (because he was prettiest when he did) and just for now he would let this go on, this thing that felt unsure and awkward but also somewhat like the friendship they once had.

He missed it, having a best friend he could trust with anything. Marly had his sides, but he was no gossip like Demyx, and even though he was obnoxious and bossy, deep down Axel knew he was just trying to do what he thought was right, or at least _best_. They didn't always agree on what that was, though…

"Are you sure Riku's still here?" he asked.

"Where would he go?"

Axel shrugged. "If I was that mad I wouldn't care where I was going."

Marly shook his head.

"He went through quite a lot of trouble to find you. He won't leave."

Axel hoped that was true.

"I guess if he had left, we would have heard him slam the door," he muttered. "Even if we were three blocks away."

Marly chuckled. "Bad tempers are fun to deal with, aren't they?"

"Shut up. I want to feel good for a little bit longer."

"Okay."

Axel felt fingers weave into his, and his treacherous heart made a tiny jump. Once Marly taking his hand would have meant he was giving Axel the green lights to kiss him, but he had no idea if it still meant that, and he decided to try not to think about it. That would be _beyond_ stupid.

He opened one eye a tiny bit, trying to catch a glimpse of Marly's expression. There was definitely a faint smile there. Quickly he closed his eyes again.

He was imagining things. No way would Marly want to kiss him after he just puked his guts out. He was probably just trying to be nice, in his own infuriatingly confusing way.

"I need to brush my teeth," Axel said, standing up and letting Marly's hand fall out of his. "Maybe Riku will hate me somewhat less if I save him my puke-breath when I try to figure out what to say to him."

"What's the big deal," Marly said behind him, seemingly unfazed by the change of subject. "He blushes at every other word you say; he's clearly in love with you. I think he _wants_ to forgive you. Just say you're sorry."

"I don't think it's going to be that easy," Axel grumbled wryly. "Besides, I'm _not_ sorry."

"Well, I didn't say you had to mean it."

Axel had been about to stick the toothbrush into his mouth, but stopped and turned.

"I _like_ him, Marly. I don't want to lie to him."

"So tell him that, then."

Axel grabbed hold of the sink, staring down into the bowl.

"I don't know. Maybe it's for the best if it ends."

It wasn't what he wanted at all, but Axel had begun to suspect that what he wanted was by default wrong. If he wanted to do what was _right,_ he should probably do the exact _opposite_ of what he wanted. Maybe that was what growing up and responsibilities meant?

_Fuck that shit,_ his gut said, but what did guts know about anything? Maybe he should be listening to his brain for once.

"I don't understand," Marly said after a couple of long moments. "What do you mean 'it's for the best'?"

Axel closed his eyes.

"I just don't see how it could work out. He's so god-damned, fucking _perfect!_ Why the hell would he want to stick around someone like me?"

He could see Marly's eyebrows climb high on his forehead through the mirror.

"…That's some serious loser talk, Axel."

Axel huffed. Marly could call it loser talk all he wanted to, but it was still true. Riku could have any man he wanted, and it was just a matter of time before he discovered it.

"For fuck's sake! I'm the first gay person he's ever met! I'm the only person he's had sex with! It's completely natural that he'll get a crush on me, but it means _nothing_. It could be over in a month! Next week, even!"

"So… you don't think he's serious?" Marly asked.

Axel sighed and put the toothbrush away.

"No, that's not it. I think he's serious about everything he does. He's…" He searched for the right words. "He's _honest_. He doesn't like playing games. He likes me, so he thinks we should be together, and if _I_ don't want that, he thinks the only possible explanation is that I don't like him."

"Sounds a bit rigid," Marly commented.

Axel frowned. "Maybe. It's kind of nice too, not having to guess what he feels all the time." _Unlike with some people,_ he wanted to add.

It looked like Marly caught his meaning anyway, the corner of his mouth twisting into an amused half-smile while one eyebrow arched slightly.

"Maybe it's _you_ who isn't serious," he said. "He's very pretty, but it sounds like you don't have much in common?"

"I _could_ be serious," Axel snapped, reddening slightly. It was true that if Riku hadn't started talking about love and relationships and stuff, Axel would probably have been content just being fuck-buddies with his hot neighbour until time proved if there was anything more there, but still… "It's not just about looks and sex. He's easy to talk to; he's funny and smart and sweet and down-to-earth. I can't think of anyone I'd rather be with, in or out of bed. Damn it, except for Roxas – who is a special case, I hope you agree – I haven't even _looked_ at another guy! I don't even _want_ to!"

Marly pursed his lips, ignoring his little speech. "He has quite a temper, though. As do you. Do you argue a lot?"

"There's nothing wrong with his temper!" Axel protested. "We get along fine. He's usually calm and he doesn't get upset about petty shit like I do. Only when there's something real. Which is _good_, because I know I tend to walk all over people who don't bite back when I'm being an ass."

Marly smiled at him. "That's a rare bit of self-insight from you. What about the age difference, then? He's still in school, right?"

"He's eighteen, it's only three years!" Axel huffed. "I can't even tell. If anything, he's more mature than I am."

"I would hope so," Marly said sweetly. "What does he feel about that, by the way? You're older than him and haven't accomplished anything. Is he ashamed of you?"

Axel stared at him. What was with the sudden attitude and all these questions? Was he trying to discourage him? It wasn't like he needed any help with that.

"I… Stop being so fucking mean!" Riku _should_ be ashamed of him. He was a tall, skinny twig of a man; scarred and with tattoos on his face that had been cool when he was fifteen, but not when you were an adult and wanted people to take you seriously (although secretly Axel still thought they looked kind of awesome). Even if Roxas said he had changed and that he wasn't trash, it was kind of difficult taking it to heart when you'd just been fired from a toilet-cleaning job. "He…"

Axel frowned, blinking tears away.

"No, wait," he said slowly. "He took me home to meet his parents. He wanted me to meet all his friends… He wouldn't do that if…" He frowned, thinking of something else. "It's fucking weird, isn't it? It's like he can't see how fucked up I am. I told him I moved because I was depressed and had drug problems; that should be a BIG fucking warning sign, right?"

"To most people," Marly agreed.

"You know what he said? That he thinks it's _brave_ to break up and leave everything behind, and that I must be _strong_ to give up the drugs."

"Maybe he has a point," Marly said.

"I wish," Axel said miserably. "I'm scared and weak. He sees what he wants to see because he has a crush on me. He likes someone who doesn't exist."

Marly snorted contemptuously. "Holy _fuck_, Axel."

"I _know_ you think it's loser talk," Axel started, "but…"

"No," Marly interrupted. "This is worse. These are _delusions._ Do you really have so few real problems that you must come up with imagined ones? You just spent the better part of the last ten minutes explaining to me how much you like Riku and that he is a perfectly decent guy who seems to like you back, just the way you are. Do you even realize that?"

Axel stared at him. "I… did?"

But then he understood. All those questions… Marly had just asked him about every single reason he could think of why a relationship with Riku could not work out, and Axel had argued against every one. That was kind of funny.

He had asked those questions of himself plenty of times, and then the answers were all doom and gloom, but when _Marly_ asked, he was hell-bent on proving him wrong.

"Oh. Okay." He chuckled, hiding his face in his palm. "I see what you did, there. Bastard. Very _cunning_."

Marly laughed too. "Let me tell you something, Axel. One does only have to spend five minutes with you to know _exactly_ who you are. You can't hide it. Riku is not an idiot; I find it _extremely_ unlikely that you've managed to convince him that you're some perfect Prince Charming. Some people like the bad boys, you know. At least it sounds like he appreciates your good sides too."

Axel peered at him through his fingers.

"So you think I should go for it? What if he dumps me in a month?"

"It's just as likely _you_ will dump _him_ in a month," Marly sighed.

Axel turned back to the mirror, staring at his reflection.

"I don't know about that," he mumbled. "When I fall in love it tends to last for a long time."

Marly snorted.

"That's true for Roxas, maybe. Your countless _other_ crushes have rarely survived more than two weeks."

Axel scowled at him through the mirror.

"That's because there are no _'countless other crushes'_. I've been in love _twice_."

Marly looked unconvinced.

"Twice? I bet I could think of _twenty_ right off the top of my head."

"You'd be wrong," Axel insisted. "Do you really think I've _loved_ every guy I wanted to fuck?"

Marly chewed his lip, brow furrowed. "Then who's the other guy? One is Roxas, but the other..? You can't mean your first boyfriend?" He looked slightly disgusted.

Axel was disgusted too. "I only stayed with him as long as I did because of the speed. He was a prick."

"He sure was. You thought he was hot, though."

"That was before I knew what he was like. And that was all there ever was to it."

Marly nodded, but seemed no closer to understanding. "Then is it Riku you mean? I thought we were talking about the past."

"No, we are… And I haven't decided if he counts yet."

"Well, then I have no idea who you're talking about."

Axel quirked his one uninjured eyebrow, continuing to watch Marly through the mirror. Could he really be clueless about this? Not that they had ever talked about it, but he had always assumed Marly knew anyway.

"Really? No one else springs to mind?"

Marly shook his head.

"You can't think of _any_ other guy I've been interested in over a longer period of time?"

Marly's brow furrowed and he shook his head again.

_And Marly called _him_ thick!_

"You can mull on that, then," he said, picking the toothbrush up again. If Marly didn't know, it was probably best it stayed that way. "It's not important."

He had just been a little kid when it happened, too young to even know what love was. It was before Marly had become his friend, but he had still known who he was.

One day at morning break, Axel's classmates were playing land hockey, and Axel had asked if he could join. _No one wants you on their team, _one of the bullies said and it made Axel so mad he kicked him hard in the shin. Then all the boys in his class ganged up on him and beat him up behind the tool shed. He'd fallen on his back, scared and furious with no way of defending himself when suddenly the battering just stopped.

When the boys cleared away, he had looked up to see why, and Marly had been standing there silent with a baseball bat resting on his shoulder. He was short and skinny, but from below he looked like a giant. The sun in his back made his hair a bright, pink halo around his head and his eyes were calm and absolutely wild all at once.

It was the coolest, most beautiful thing little Axel had ever seen, and he could still remember how small, dirty and ugly he had felt lying on the ground before him.

_The story of my life,_ he thought, bitterly watching himself in the mirror. After that he'd done everything in his power to get to know Marly, to be near him anyway he could, but he never really understood why until he got older. It had continued through the years, fluctuating in strength but always there. Not until he met Roxas had it faded, but he wasn't sure it had been gone completely even then.

In a way it was good to know that he hadn't known. He had always thought it cruel that Marly would sleep with him and tease him with kisses, instead of just saying that he didn't feel the same way and never would. It was _very_ hard to move on when he _almost_ had what he secretly wanted, just not quite. Even a good portion of their friends had thought they were lovers, in some kind of open relationship.

Axel tried to remember if there were _any_ normal relationships in his life, but failed. Still, he felt better. His head wasn't throbbing like before and his belly had calmed.

_Roxas forgives me,_ he thought, _and Marly is almost acting nice._

It was something.

When he had finished brushing his teeth, Marly stood.

"I need to go," he said, making a face. "Tonight is date night. I want you to know though; _if_ you fuck up and you don't know what to do… you could always come back home."

_To the house,_ he meant, Axel realized as the unspoken words hung heavy in the air.

He put the toothbrush away, swallowing. He hadn't thought that was an option, even if he would have wanted to. He knew he must have been hell for Marly to deal with towards the end, and then he had just walked out on him…

"Would you _want_ me to come back?" he asked carefully, wary of the answer.

It took a while before Marly answered.

"I'm _so_ mad at you," he whispered, and suddenly he was close. Not embracing him, just standing there behind him, but Axel's heart was still pounding. "I know I'm probably better off alone, but I still miss you."

_Holy shit._ Never in a million years had Axel thought he would hear something like that out of Marly's mouth. It was so baffling he didn't even know what to feel.

"That's… good to know," he heard himself say.

Then Marly was gone.

X

Axel tried to sneak quietly out of the bathroom, but Demyx was outside waiting for him.

"What happened?" he asked nervously. "Are you alright? Marly just left. He said he had a _date?_"

_Not the kind of date you think._

"I know. I'm alright," Axel sighed, not knowing if it was true or not.

"You were in there a long time… Did he give you the letter?"

Axel brightened and even smiled. "Yeah. It was good news. Where's Riku?"

"In the kitchen, but…"

Axel nodded.

"It's not a good mood in there," Demyx warned as Axel started for the doorway. "Marly pissed him off and then he started doing my dishes! When I told him he didn't have to, he looked at me like he was going to kill me with the dishwashing brush! What the hell? Is doing chores some kind of anger management for him?"

"Possibly," Axel grumbled in reply, silently cursing Marly's general tactlessness. "He is kind of a neat freak…"

"Maybe we should just leave him alone for a while?" Demyx suggested with a nervous glance towards the kitchen doorway. "If he cools off and I get my dishes done, it's a win-win situation, right?"

Axel snorted. "Just get out of our way and go watch TV or something, you lazy-ass."

Demyx gave up, looking slightly disappointed. No doubt he had been looking forward to having his messy kitchen cleaned up. He left for the living room with a final word of caution.

"Just know that I warned you when he tries to drown you in the sink!"

Axel rolled his eyes, but felt his guts draw together in a tight knot of anxiety as he quietly slipped into the kitchen. Riku was tackling the mountain of dishes with evident aggression, and Axel almost pitied Demyx' poor kitchen utensils when he saw Riku go at them with the brush. It did _not_ look like he wanted to forgive anything.

What the hell should he say to him? Thank him for bringing that letter? It couldn't have been something he was happy about doing.

…Or maybe saying nothing at all was the better alternative, he thought, as a pot was slammed down on the drying rack with unnecessary force.

"I know you're standing there," Riku growled, effectively making shutting up a non-option.

"Uh… Why are you doing the dishes?" Axel blurted out in lack of anything better to say.

Riku didn't answer, but he turned around drying his hands off at the sides of his pants.

"Are you feeling better now?"

Axel nodded warily. "…How about you?"

Riku made a face.

"I'm not the one puking."

Axel nodded again, daring a slight smile even though he was sure he was treading on very thin ice. He took a deep breath, forcing himself to look Riku in the eye.

"Thanks… Thank you so much for bringing me that letter."

Riku just glared at him, and Axel felt the smile dying on his lips. He swallowed.

"With Roxas… It was only going to be that one time. I didn't mean to hurt you. You… You weren't supposed to find out."

Riku's face darkened.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better? Just shut the hell up; I thought I told you I don't want to talk about this now."

"But you-"

"SHUT UP!"

Axel snapped his mouth shut, the knot in his gut tightening. So he was not even allowed to talk now. And tomorrow Riku would be going home. Unconsciously his hands balled into fists by his sides, indescribable, despairing anger awakening within him.

"What am I supposed to do then?" he asked.

Riku looked at him for a long moment, then pointed to his leftover pizza abandoned on the table.

"Eat up."

"What?"

"Demyx says you've barely eaten for days," Riku snapped. "You're too damned skinny as it is, and you're hurt. You need your strength."

Axel stared at him incredulously.

"Are you serious?"

"Do you think this is a joke?"

_No._ Axel's gaze travelled from Riku's still pointing finger to the tragic remains of his leftover pizza.

"…I'm not hungry."

"Just do as I say."

He crossed his arms and continued staring, apparently expecting to be obeyed. Axel hesitated. His pizza was a massacred mess of greasy dough and most likely cold by now, and just the thought of putting any of it in his mouth made his stomach turn ominously. However, he could tell by the deepening crease on Riku's forehead that a refusal to eat would not go down well…

"I'll make a sandwich instead." he said diplomatically.

Riku rolled his eyes and turned back to the dishes, which Axel supposed was a sign of acceptance. Scowling at his back, he opened the refrigerator and picked out some butter and ham. On the top shelf, there were still a couple of beer cans left from yesterday, a sight that evoked a much happier reaction from his stomach than the thought of food. Four of them… That would probably be enough to get a slight buzz going.

He took one with him to the table and popped it open.

Riku's reaction was lightning fast. Before Axel had time to take so much as a single sip, he had turned around, closed the distance and wrenched the can out of Axel's hand.

"Are you stupid?!" he growled.

Axel could just stare at him.

"You have headaches and you throw up," he explained through gritted teeth. "I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be drinking when you obviously have a concussion."

Axel didn't think the concussion was to blame. He was fucking up left and right and it felt like the world was crumbling to dust around him; small wonder he got a bit queasy! Right now, the only thing keeping him from falling to pieces was the folded up letter in his back pocket.

"I've been drinking since you left me bleeding on the floor," he said, angry now.

Riku looked even angrier.

"It stops now," he replied. Then he went back to his dishes, taking the beer can with him, and poured it out in the sink.

Axel swallowed, trying to fight back the lump swelling in his throat, and suddenly he wished Riku would just leave already. If they were not going to make up, why drag the torture out? As soon as he was gone, Axel was going to drink himself to oblivion and he was pretty sure Riku could guess as much, so why even care if he had a few measly beers today?

He prepared a sandwich as he had promised, but having done that he didn't seem to get much further. He still had no appetite, and even if he forced himself to chew, he didn't know how he was supposed to swallow anything down beyond the lump in his throat.

He lit a cigarette. Demyx didn't care if he smoked indoors, and at least it would be something to calm him down.

However, Riku denied him even that small comfort.

"Don't do that in here," he commanded without so much as turning around. "It stinks."

Disheartened, Axel crushed the glow out in his greasy pizza leftovers, feeling the lump grow bigger as the insides of his eyelids started to burn.

A tear splatted down at his sandwich, glistening a short moment before being absorbed by the bread.

X

Axel threw another glance at Riku out of the corner of his eye. The bastard was still staring stubbornly at the TV, not once dignifying him with as much as a glance.

After Riku had finished as much of the dishes as would fit in the drying rack, he had been standing over Axel _watching_ him until he finished that damned sandwich. Then he had said that they could sit down and watch a movie or something. If he noticed Axel had been crying he hadn't said anything about it.

Axel's frown deepened and he furiously fingered the pack of cigarettes in his pocket. For the hundredth time he contemplated reaching for it. He was an adult; he could do whatever the hell he wanted, and there wasn't a damned thing Riku could say about it.

But his hand wouldn't move, a fact that only served to foul his mood further.

Was he doomed to be followed through life by bossy men telling him what to do? Marly would have been proud, had he seen Riku forcing him to eat that sandwich. _Just so,_ he would have said, nodding approval. _When he acts like a child, treat him as one._

Maybe they were a little bit alike, Riku and Marly? The thought _horrified_ him.

He should just flip out, have an epic fit and throw the TV out the window; that would make him feel better. And Riku would have to look at him.

Some nerve he had coming here, only to sit there and be pissy! _Gorgeuos_ and pissy. The truth was, Axel wanted desperately to touch him, kiss him; _anything_ to try to mend this mess, and it pissed him off that he couldn't. Instead he was expected to just sit and wait until Riku decided to get off his high horses and give him _permission_ to speak, and it rubbed him so wrong it could not be put into words. Maybe he actually wanted to strangle him, not kiss him. Or why not a combination of both?

As Axel contemplated Riku's imminent death by erotic asphyxiation, the show they had been watching ended and the credits started to roll. It was a relief, as it gave him an excuse to move. He had no idea how long they had been sitting here watching this stupid, boring documentary, but it sure as hell was long enough. He had started to get fidgety after about five minutes, and he wanted a smoke more than he had ever wanted anything in this world, but if Riku and Demyx could sit there and pretend like nothing, so could he.

He leaned forward to grab the remote and change channel to something more interesting. A fucking cartoon or anything would be better than watching some old geezer prattling on about ancient wood carvings! His movement made Riku turn towards him and Axel gave him a good, hard glare before leaning back again, remote in hand. He had probably thought he was going to make a try for the beer case Demyx had standing on the table. As if!

He switched channels, his righteous fury dwindling somewhat as he zapped in right at the romantic climax of some sitcom. The girl was hugging the guy tight, and unbidden Axel's thoughts travelled to the hallway earlier in the day. Riku holding him and giving him that ridiculous lighter... it had been so sweet.

Totally different from the bastard ice-Riku he was dealing with now. He had made him fucking _cry,_ not only once in front of _Marly_ of all people,but_ twice,_ and still he sat there with his stony face ignoring him. Why couldn't it have stayed sweet?

"_Because he's in love with you, but you hurt his feelings,"_ the smartass voice in his head provided. Why the head-voice was always taking Riku's side, he could not understand. Neither why it sometimes sounded suspiciously like Marly. It was _his_ head-voice, damn it!

"_And now he's hurting ME,"_ Axel raged at it, _"how's that any better?! I didn't mean to hurt him, but he's sitting right THERE! I'm pretty sure he can tell he's making me miserable!"_

For once, the voice had nothing to answer, but it was hardly any relief as Axel once again had nothing to direct his anger and despair at. All he could do was wait.

_Fuck you, Riku. I don't do waiting games._

When Riku nobly decided he was allowed to talk, he would tell him to shove it. He flipped through the channels until he came upon a movie with ninjas fighting.

_Much better._

X

"Uh, okay guys, I have work tomorrow so I'm going to bed now," Demyx finally announced and it was like music to Riku's ears. His head hurt and he was drained; exhausted. He'd been angry before, and he still was, but slowly despair was taking over. Axel seemed to be going in the opposite direction. The tension had been building and building, and if Riku had ever seen a mood that could potentially sour milk, it would be Axel's current one.

Sleep had never felt so welcome.

Demyx said goodnight and retreated into his bedroom, probably feeling much the same judging by his hurry.

Riku had hoped watching TV would be distracting enough to keep their minds off their issues, so after he had finally managed to get Axel to eat something, little as it may be, they had joined Demyx in the living room. Obviously it hadn't been distracting enough. Everything had just been awkward and Axel was so mad you could practically feel the aggression radiate out of his _pores._ The only upside was that they had managed to avoid any talking.

Demyx had made a few futile attempts to strike up some conversation, but with Axel just muttering and Riku too tired to even think, he hadn't been getting much response. Riku felt sorry for him, having to stand his and Axel's mess in his own home, but at least he wouldn't have to stand it very much longer.

As things were now, Riku would have to leave tomorrow. Even if there wasn't a flight home, he'd find another place to stay until there was. Not that he was sure he wanted to; somehow it still felt like being with Axel was better than being without him, but what choice did he have? This just couldn't go on, and he suspected Axel felt the same way. As things were now, he wasn't even sure Axel wanted him under the same roof.

Steeling himself, he turned to the source of all his troubles.

"I guess we should sleep too?" he suggested, offering a weak smile that was quickly crushed under Axel's glare.

"You can take the couch," he _snarled_ in answer, eyes like nails boring into Riku's skull. "I'm going out for a smoke."

Riku eyed him, swallowing nervously. He didn't want Axel to leave his sight… but come to think about it, Axel hadn't had a cigarette since he had lit one in the kitchen earlier and Riku told him to put it out. Maybe that was why he was so angry?

"Where will you sleep?" he asked carefully.

Axel waved his hand, looking annoyed. "Who gives a fuck? There's always the floor, I doubt my back could get any worse anyway. "

He picked his pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and began to turn to leave, but Riku stopped him.

Axel's eyebrow twitched, and the annoyed look again turned into a full-blown glare.

"I'll do it _outside_. Don't fuck with my smokes, Riku."

Riku sensed that an eruption was imminent, and released Axel's wrist. "No, that's not… Go have your smoke." He swallowed. "When you come back… we can share the couch."

Axel's expression took on a hint of disbelief, but he was still frowning.

"Uhm… If you want to, that is," Riku mumbled awkwardly.

"No thanks," Axel snapped after having eyed him for a long moment. Then he turned and walked away, the door slamming behind him.

Riku was left staring after him, feeling like he'd just been slapped. _SO difficult!_

Why was Axel even mad? He had no right to be mad. No _reason._ Did he want a fight? Because that was all there was going to be if they couldn't agree on a truce for the night. Riku's nerves were tense and frayed and he knew he'd just overreact to everything if he didn't get some rest. All he wanted was for this miserable day to end, so that hopefully in the morning he'd be strong enough to hear Axel's answers to his questions without starting to cry. He already knew from their short conversation in the kitchen that he probably wasn't going to like them.

_You weren't supposed to find out._

What kind of stupid excuse was that? Was that how Axel had intended it to be like between them? Axel keeping things from him because, 'hey, what you don't know won't hurt you'? Was that what he'd been doing to Roxas? Sleeping around god knows how much and just expected him to not look to deep into it? Or as Marluxia put it: _just accept it_.

_God, what an asshole._

He decided to ignore Axel's drama, opting instead to strip out of the clothes he had been wearing since yesterday and try to fall asleep as fast as possible. He brushed his teeth and killed all the lights, except the one in the hallway so Axel wouldn't be stumbling in the dark when he returned. For a moment he considered curling up in one of the armchairs so Axel could have the couch to himself. Marluxia had managed to sleep like that, hadn't he?

He abandoned the idea after just a few minutes. He would never be able to relax if he couldn't lie down and stretch out, not when he was this stressed out. And if Axel would rather sleep on the floor than share the couch, that was _his_ problem. He burrowed under the blankets on the couch instead, clutching at the pillow Axel had previously been using. It smelled of him. Not entirely in a pleasant way, but Riku buried his nose into it anyway, breathing deeply. It was hard to stay mad with all the memories suddenly welling up. That soft smile on Axel's face, his kisses, his hands…

That side of him that was not an asshole at all.

Maybe when Axel came back in, he would have cooled off. Maybe even enough to reconsider his ridiculous idea of sleeping on the floor. Riku wanted him close. Not for any sexual reasons he told himself, absently stroking the pillow. Just so he'd know where he was.

Speaking of which; shouldn't he be back in soon? It didn't take more than five minutes to have a smoke… What had it been now? Twenty? Twenty-five?

That was odd, wasn't it?

Riku's eyes snapped open, and for a split second it felt like his heart stopped in his chest, as a sudden thought flashed through his mind.

What if Axel _wasn't_ coming back?

What if he was so mad he had just decided to leave him here? Going over to some other friend of dubious nature to spend the night there?

Gasping, he realized it didn't just make sense, it made _perfect_ sense. From what Riku knew about Axel, his number one reaction to anything that was uncomfortable and couldn't be ignored or avoided was to get mad. And when that didn't work, he tried to run away. He should have seen it coming, really. Axel had been running from his past when he came to Destiny Islands, and as soon as he hit a bump in the road, he'd been running back to where he came from.

And now Riku had sent him running again._ Damn it damn it damn it!_

Could he have gone to Marluxia? Riku had no clue what had happened in the bathroom earlier, but they had been in there longer than he wanted to think about, and Axel had seemed a lot calmer when he came back out. Marluxia was so beautiful… and he obviously cared a lot about Axel even if he was mad at him. _What if..?_

Or maybe it was the letter. Roxas had included his phone number in it, Riku recalled. Maybe Axel was calling him right now?

The tears he'd fought all day to keep in finally broke loose full force, and he was trying hard to muffle his sniffles in the pillow so Demyx wouldn't hear how pathetic he was, when suddenly the door opened and footfalls thumped in the hallway.

_Axel's_ footfalls.

Riku was both relieved and horror struck. Desperately he tried to even out his breathing and wipe away his tears, and when he failed miserably, he hid under the blanket.

He could hear some more noises from the hall and then the footsteps came closer until they were almost upon him. Then they stopped.

Riku's heart was racing and he could imagine Axel standing silently by the couch, no doubt hearing his wet, ragged breaths through the blankets. He tried to calm down, but somehow knowing Axel was there only made it worse; miserable, mewling noises slipping out among the sobs.

Riku clasped his hands over his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut, desperately listening for any reactions from Axel.

What was he thinking? Why wasn't he saying anything?

Eventually Riku could hear him sigh, a sound of aggravation and surrender.

"That's cheating, you know," he commented quietly, and Riku felt the couch dip as he sat on it. A hand awkwardly patted his hip through the blankets. "…That offer to share still standing?"

Not trusting his voice, Riku made a noise of agreement and nodded vigorously.

Sounds of clothes being removed, then cold as the blankets were lifted and Axel climbed under them, unceremoniously adjusting to the small space left for him. Riku would not have minded some spooning, but Axel turned his back on him.

Another sniffle slipped out, loud in the silence.

Axel sighed.

"I _would_ give you a hug," he said after a moment, "but I don't know if you want one. And I can only lie on this side, with the eyebrow and all."

"Oh!"

Riku squirmed around, throwing his arm around Axel and pressing up close behind him, sniffling out of relief this time.

"I thought you wouldn't come back," he whispered, squeezing him tighter to him.

Axel grunted. "Looks like I did."

"I thought… I thought you had left."

"I was tempted to."

Riku said nothing, just held Axel harder, burying his nose in the crook of his neck. He told himself Axel _hadn't_ left, and that was what was important. He was here, with him. Somehow it didn't feel any better, and another sob slipped out of him.

"Damn it," Axel grumbled, squirming out of his hold and sitting back up. "Are you going to cry about something I didn't even do? You've been making me feel like shit all day, maybe I just wanted to breathe for a minute!"

Riku stared incredulously at his silhouette in the darkness.

"_I_ make _you_ feel like shit?! Guess how you make me feel!"

"Why don't you tell me?"

Riku grit his teeth and glared at him, his shape blurring with his tears. _I feel like a clueless schoolboy. I feel used. I feel stupid. Worthless._

"I don't want to talk now."

Axel was silent for another moment, then he exhaled heavily.

"Fine. I'll go sleep on the floor." He moved as to get up, and without thinking Riku grabbed hold of his arm.

"Wait."

"What the fuck?" Axel struggled for a moment, then sighed again and sat back down. "Just what the hell do you want?"

"I… don't know."

"Well, it would be a fucking relief if you could decide anytime soon!" Axel growled. "It's kind of confusing when you kiss me one moment, and then in the next I fear you'll kill me if I so much as open my mouth, you know?"

"It's your own damned fault I'm confused!"

They glared at each other in the darkness, or at least Riku assumed Axel was glaring back at him. His silhouette was rigid, and he could feel the tension of his muscles through his grip on his arm. There was no answer.

"I _love_ you, but you…" Riku trailed off, cursing himself. He had _not_ meant to say that… "What am I supposed to do?"

The question came out as nothing but a low hiss, and again there was no answer. There was however a slight tremble in Axel's arm and Riku tightened his grip on it, pulling him closer. Just a little.

His eyes were starting to adjust to the darkness, details slowly becoming visible in the faint light from the window. Axel's tattoos as inky blurs on his skin. The curve of his lips, slightly parted.

Riku tugged at his arm again, his gaze now focused on the dark glitter of Axel's eyes.

"What am I supposed to do?" he repeated, louder this time.

Axel frowned, the sudden movement of his head making his eyes seem to flash.

"I don't know," he growled. "What am _I_ supposed to do?"

"Just..!" Riku trailed off, fighting for the right words. He was in _tears_, couldn't Axel just stop being so difficult and hug him or say something nice at least? He just said he _loved_ him, damn it; _some_ response seemed pretty fucking appropriate. "Why are you so mad?"

"I already told you," Axel snarled. "_You're_ the one who's mad! I'm not exactly overjoyed about this situation, but you won't let me do anything about it, and it fucking pisses me off! You won't even let me talk! Do you think I like watching you cry?"

"No," Riku answered, looking away. "But I don't think you care very much either."

Axel suddenly grabbed his chin, turning his head back.

"Actually, I _do_," he insisted. "I care a lot about you."

Riku pulled his head free, feeling his eyes fill with new tears as he glared furiously at Axel.

"How can you say that?" he sniffled. "You love _Roxas_, and I'm only good enough to fool around with. If you truly cared, you wouldn't have slept with him when you know how I feel about you! And you sure as hell wouldn't have run away across half the world to get rid of me!"

Axel glared back, jaws set in anger.

"Are you done?" he asked calmly. "I've got something to say, and this time you're going to fucking listen."

He held Riku's gaze for a few moments, and when Riku said nothing, he continued.

"You have to understand that things were really fucking awful between me and Roxas. It was my fault, and I've been feeling guilty about the things I did to him for _years_. If I could erase it from history, I would. Can you imagine what it felt like when he suddenly pops up on Destiny Island just when I'm trying to move on and start a new life?"

Riku shook his head tiredly. He had heard this before and he didn't want to imagine.

"That's right; you can't," Axel continued. "I was so scared I couldn't think. Everything was very confused and emotional and sort of just happened… But screw that. What you need to get is that I didn't do it because I don't care about you or your feelings; it had nothing to do with you whatsoever! I don't think anything could change the way I feel about you."

He locked gazes with Riku, who was suddenly finding it hard to breathe, hard to swallow, hard to _anything_. He wasn't sure he understood what Axel was saying. To him it sounded exactly like what he already knew; that Axel kind of liked him, but next to Roxas it just didn't matter, because Roxas was more important than anyone.

_That is exactly the problem!_ he wanted to scream.

"I'm too tired," he whispered instead.

Axel grit his teeth, grabbing hold of his hand.

"Damn it, are you even listening? I'm trying to do some fucking confessing here!"

Riku stared at him, unbelieving.

"What?"

"You heard me." Axel took a deep breath. "Well, fuck. Here goes. I was going to say this at that damned party, but I never got the chance. I… I'm crazy about you. I want to take it slow, but that's only because I don't want to rush in and fuck up something that has the potential to be so good. Not because there aren't any feelings… because there are. Lots of them."

He swallowed, but looked Riku straight in the eye, expression serious.

"What… what kind of feelings?" Riku whispered hoarsely, his mind floundering.

"You know…" Axel looked down, trailing his index finger in a random pattern over the back of Riku's hand. "…Love and shit."

He looked up again, and Riku stared at him, paralyzed.

"You… you love me?"

"I think so."

"You _think_ so."

Axel's hand balled into a fist, his eyebrows drawing together.

"Yeah, I fucking think so! And it scares the shit out of me and it isn't an easy thing to say, so keep your fucking snarky comments to yourself!"

Riku didn't know what to feel anymore. In his fantasies, Axel telling him he loved him had been something romantic, not this… _this_. Did he even mean it? Well, that had already been answered, he guessed. He _thought_ he meant it.

"You're such an asshole," he whispered, turning away.

Silence from Axel , but then Riku heard him draw a heavy, frustrated breath.

"Right now I'm not finding you very agreeable, either," he said, voice thick and strangled.

Riku pressed his eyes closed, tears leaking out and rolling down his cheeks.

"Can we… can we please not fight now?" he managed.

"And _what?_" Axel exploded. "_Sleep?_ How the fuck am I going to sleep when you're like this? Can _you_ sleep?"

"I don't know! Not if you keep arguing!" Hastily wiping his tears away, Riku turned back to glare at Axel. "I don't care if you sleep or not! I want you to shut up and I want you to lie here next to me. I need to rest and I can't do it if I'm going to wake up every three minutes wondering where you are!"

Axel watched him silently, jaws tense.

"You don't care." Then he muttered something unintelligible and shook his head. "Okay. Fine. Move your ass, I'm taking the inner."

Riku sat up, secretly taking a breath of relief. _Finally._ He waited as Axel climbed in behind him, stretching out along the back rest.

"Come on," he barked impatiently when he had finished, lifting the blanket up.

Riku shifted in under it. The couch was a little too narrow to have two people sleeping on it, so he had to press up close to Axel until they were spooning.

"There," Axel said, wrapping the blanket around them and in the process put his arm around Riku. He didn't remove it. "Isn't that _cosy. _Remember this was your genius idea; I don't want to hear any complaining when I get a boner. Good night."

Riku squeezed his eyes shut and tried to ignore him. It was easier said than done, because he _could_ very clearly feel Axel's junk against his ass, even if there wasn't a boner there yet. Hopefully Axel wasn't serious about that… it would be difficult enough to keep himself from thinking about sex as it was, with Axel half-naked and warm behind him.

Maybe this _was_ a bad idea... but it was too late to change his mind now.

He exhaled heavily, and slowly the sobs were ebbing out so he could breathe again.

_Love and shit…_

That was _twice_ today Axel had said he loved him. Not very convincingly, but considering it had _never_ happened before… Riku didn't know what to think. He _shouldn't_ think. Tomorrow he could ask and know for sure. He sighed quietly.

He was beginning to suspect Axel had no sure answers to give him. Maybe he could love someone but still want to sleep with other people. Maybe he could even love several different people at once. It just seemed so _strange._

Lying like this with Axel behind him, his arm firm around Riku's waist and his breath flowing heavy over the back of Riku's neck… He wouldn't want it to be anyone else. Would Axel be content if _he_ was someone else?

It hurt. It hurt so much to think like that.

He shifted closer to Axel, wanting him to hold him harder despite how ironic it felt. Seeking comfort from the same person who was causing his pain. He got what he wanted, at least. Axel grunted and tightened his hold on him, nuzzling his face into Riku's neck. He could feel lips and breath hot on his skin, quickening his pulse. And shortly thereafter came the first twitching of Axel's cock.

_No, no, NO,_ Riku thought despairingly. But it continued, until Riku could feel his full length wedged in between his buttocks. By then, he was growing hard himself and it was becoming a struggle to keep up a normal breathing pattern.

He wanted to moan, to rub himself back at Axel's hardness, and he wanted all of that inside him. He wanted Axel's hand to move from where it rested on his belly, down to wrap around his cock. Instead he forced himself to remain still and control his breathing.

"This is just fucking cruel," Axel whispered angrily.

Riku pretended not to hear. Maybe if Axel thought he was asleep, his hard-on would eventually go away… He feigned a light snore.

Axel let him keep it up several minutes before he'd finally had enough.

"Who do you think you're fooling?" he snarled in Riku's ear. "You're no closer to sleep than I am. I can feel your heart beating like a fucking drummer boy on fire!"

Riku groaned, feeling stupid. _Just shut up if you can't sleep_, he wanted to say, but Axel was right. This was _torture,_ and neither of them would get any rest like this. All he had wanted was just… it had been _nice_, sleeping beside Axel yesterday. He'd just wanted that again; something nice before they parted ways forever tomorrow.

Suddenly he'd had enough, too.

In one swift movement he flipped over to face Axel, hand coming up to grab his chin, and then he kissed him. It was blind and desperate, teeth clacking together and Axel's lips stiff and unresponsive before he understood what was happening. But then with a snarl he started kissing back and his arms came around him, grabbing hard at his neck and his waist while their legs tangled.

They parted to breathe, and Axel looked as if he was about to say something.

"No talking," Riku panted hoarsely

Axel's mouth shut, and he frowned slightly. _Don't argue,_ Riku prayed and to his relief, a moment later Axel nodded agreement.

His hand came up by the side of his neck, stroking his chin before grabbing hold of his hair close behind his ear. Then with an ungentle yank, he brought their heads back together, forcing Riku's lips apart and plunging his tongue deep inside. Riku let it happen, his eyes falling closed and all his defences crumbling as he gasped heavily into Axel's mouth.

_Just once more,_ he told himself. What did it matter? It didn't have to mean anything. No more than eating when you were hungry. At least there was no reason to doubt Axel's _desire_ for him was real, even if he lied about everything else. For this, that was enough.

Everything was fading fast, into heartbeats and harsh breaths, skin and saliva. Axel continued being rough with him, pulling his head to the side to gain access to his neck, covering it with stinging bites and hot, sucking kisses that burned on his skin. There was probably going to be marks, but far way from home with nothing to lose, Riku didn't know why he should care.

Axel's hands started to wander up under his t-shirt, pushing it up to give his mouth access to the naked skin beneath; his belly his sides, his nipples… His mouth was on one; biting, licking, sucking, and his hand on the other, rolling it under his fingertips. Then he pinched it. Hard. It made Riku's back arch and his insides fill with heat, and he whimpered helplessly, desperate to feel Axel's hands on his cock, to have him inside him.

_Was that where this was going to end?_

Suddenly feeling uncomfortably sober, Riku tried to swallow his moans, thinking of Demyx supposedly sleeping in the other room. If Axel fucked him now, there was no way he would manage to keep quiet.

He grabbed Axel's shoulders, pushing him away.

"Wait," he said, trying to sound determined and not breathless and dizzy. "What about Demyx? He'll hear if we…"

"So be quiet then," Axel growled impatiently, reaching for his lips again.

Riku shoved at his shoulders, harder.

"_I said stop!_"

"I thought we agreed on no talking," Axel muttered, features turning hard. He leaned forward again.

"_I_ said no talking," Riku insisted. "For _you_."

A shadow swept over Axel's face, visible even in the faint glow from the streetlights outside. His brow furrowed and his eyes flashed, but then he swallowed hard and his voice was almost soft when he spoke.

"Riku. He won't come barging in here, if that's what you're afraid of. He won't. _If_ he hears something, he'll be _thrice_ as embarrassed as you. He'll put his headphones on, turn up the volume and he won't dare leave his room until tomorrow morning. I know him, I _swear_ it."

Riku eyed him uncertainly. He was probably right, but still…

"It just seems _rude_ to…"

Axel groaned.

"_Rude?_ Who gives a shit? Don't fucking do this to me, Riku!"

"Do what?" Riku snarled at him, angry now. "It's not like I want it any less than you."

It seemed like Axel calmed somewhat at that.

"If you're going to let something like Demyx sleeping in the other room stop you, you don't want it anywhere _near_ as much as me," he murmured. "He won't care, Riku. He's kind of hard to piss off… I bet he'll just be glad we're getting along."

"'_Getting along'!_" Riku huffed. "Is that what we are doing?"

Axel shrugged.

"Call it whatever you want."

Riku felt his lips caught in another kiss. He thought he struggled against it for a few moments at least, but then Axel slid a hand between his legs, and that was the end of his wits.

The first time was angry, violent. _I want to fuck you until you scream, _Axel whispered in Riku's ear before he entered him from behind, so roughly that he almost got his wish fulfilled right away. It was intense, and at times Riku wasn't sure if he could take it. His arms trembled until he collapsed onto his belly, unable to keep himself up anymore, but Axel's grip on his hips was hard and firm and he continued driving into him mercilessly. Riku thought about begging him to stop, but somehow every time he opened his mouth it was to beg for _harder_ or _more_. He didn't want it to end, _ever_, but when his orgasm started to build up there was no stopping it and suddenly it just exploded within him. Maybe he did scream, he couldn't know. The pleasure was all that existed.

When he started to become aware of the world again he was wet and sticky with his own cum and Axel was deep within him, riding out his own orgasm. Riku could feel his balls pulsating against his ass, his cock twitching within him, and pushed up against him, moaning softly.

"Fuck," Axel grunted, falling on top of him. Riku felt fingers in his hair, softly but shakily combing through it. "Was it… was I too rough?"

Riku shook his head, afraid to speak. He didn't trust his voice, or what he would say if he tried to open his mouth. Maybe it would all spill out of him, how much he had longed for this while they were apart. Embarrassing confessions about how much he had missed him and that he would have given anything to be together with him again. That he still loved him. That he wanted to be fucked deep and hard and raw, over and over.

"I want you again," Axel said.

The second time was different. Axel had him on his back, fucking him slowly and sweetly while they kissed endlessly, and if Riku didn't know better, he would even have called it romantic. Axel whispered his name when he came, and afterwards they continued kissing until they could no longer keep their eyes open and sleep took them.

There was a third, a fourth and even a fifth time. Whenever one of them stirred awake, the other would soon wake too, continuing where they left off.

Eventually the light outside the window begun to change, and Riku watched the grey dawn despairingly while Axel slept on his chest. If he fell asleep too, it would be morning the next time they woke up. He was exhausted, but he _had to_ stay awake.

Morning meant it was time to go home.

X

* * *

_So... shit. It's almost been a year again. I blame Marly. It is very complicated to write his and Axel's interactions. I must have rewritten the start of this chapter 40 times and I still hate it! I am FORCING myself to let this go now, lol. Will someone remind me it's only fanfiction? *despair*_


	18. Rude awakenings

**Rude awakenings**

X

"Hey _lovebirds._"

Axel blinked in confusion as something tapped his forehead, waking him up from a most pleasant dream about bunnies. It was Demyx, he realized as he stared disorientedly up at his friend.

"grrrfnu…Umgh… what?"

Demyx crossed his arms and made a seriously weird expression. Somewhat like the bunnies in the dream. Several moments passed before Axel realized he was trying to look angry. The strange twitching of his face came from him trying to frown while his mouth involuntarily kept curling into a smile.

"I just thought I'd tell you I'm off to work," Demyx announced somewhere half between a grumble and giggle. "Thanks for all the _sleep _I was getting tonight, by the way…"

"Oh…" Axel realized it must be morning, and smiled sheepishly as he remembered his little adventure with Riku last night. Or rather, his _many_ adventures. They were still lying tangled up in each other, Riku just now stirring into life beside him, and the blanket very nearly didn't cover them at all. He shrugged and couldn't quite keep the smirk off his face as he looked to Demyx again.

"Have a nice day?"

Demyx rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "Yeah, thanks, you bastard..! What the hell were you doing to him anyway? Those moans were putting porn stars to shame!"

Riku gave out a slight whimper and seemed to be trying to hide his face in Axel's shoulder, but Axel just grinned and stretched his arms over his head. "Wouldn't you like to know! You've had your chance Dem-Dem…" Demyx hated when he called him that. "Now it's too late." He winked at him and earned himself another eye-roll.

"Jesus Christ… I'm out of here." Demyx made a last attempt to look severe. "At least clean your jizz off my couch and get dressed before I'm home! And I mean it! This is so fucking _not_ okay, Axel!"

Riku didn't look up from Axel's shoulder until Demyx was out the door, but when he did, Axel had to bite his tongue to not laugh. His face was beet-red and his expression miserable, and it was just too damned cute.

"...Was he mad?" he asked shakily.

Axel chuckled and pondered the question while wondering if Riku would be terribly upset if he ruffled his hair. "I think he was at least _trying_ to be," he concluded, contenting himself with stroking away a stray lock of hair that had stuck to Riku's cheek.

Riku grunted and watched him sullenly. "You seem to be in a good mood today."

"Weeell…" Axel grinned. Except for a few highlights, yesterday had overall been kind of shitty, but today was looking promising, for obvious reasons. "I got laid. And you're naked… and your hand is on my ass. Plus you're so cute when you're embarrassed." He pinched Riku's flushed cheek, and laughed when he slapped his hand away and glared at him.

"I'm _sore._ And _sticky,_ and you're being obnoxious." He rolled over, turning his back on Axel.

"Don't think anything has changed just because of yesterday."

Whoa, a little grumpy, were we? Axel was feeling too good to let it get to him, but he decided to give the teasing a break anyway.

He petted Riku's hair carefully. "I know. I'm still an ass. It's just that it's the first day in a week I wake up without wishing someone would shoot me." Riku grunted something unintelligible which Axel suspected translated to '_I_ wish someone would shoot you'. He chose to ignore it.

"Come on, baby. You're still tired. How about we sleep for a bit longer?"

"I can't sleep. And I'm not a baby."

"Then I'll make you breakfast. You take a hot shower, and you'll feel a lot better."

"Maybe."

He still sounded grumpy, but looked a lot more collected as he rolled onto his back and looked up at Axel.

"You don't think this is embarrassing at all, do you?"

Axel raised his one uninjured eyebrow. "What, Demyx hearing us?" Was _that_ what he was sulking about? He shrugged. "Everybody knows I have no shame. And you should know I take great pride in making you moan like a porn star."

He winked and Riku rolled his eyes. There was a small, reluctant smile though, and his blush intensified. "It was good…"

"Yeah…" Axel smiled back, infinitely relieved to see a crack in the ice. He decided to take a chance and bent down to press a light kiss to his cheek, and when Riku didn't protest he did it again. "More than good. I think you made Demyx question his sexuality."

Riku snorted. "Yeah, right."

"Seriously!" Axel grinned. "It's about time someone let him know what he's been missing. Do you know how many times I've tried to get him in the sack?"

Riku groaned. "I don't _want_ to know!"

"Aww…" Axel smiled and rubbed his nose against Riku's. "Relax, it was a long time ago… and it wasn't like I was very serious about it. Or successful."

Riku wrinkled his nose and turned away.

"I know," he muttered. "Marluxia said Demyx is the only guy in town you haven't fucked."

Axel grimaced.

It bothered him very much that Marly had been talking to Riku when he wasn't there. If it had been up to him to decide, the two would never have met.

"He's one to talk… you shouldn't listen too much to what he says, you know."

"Is it true?"

This was starting to look less and less promising. Axel had no wish whatsoever to discuss how many people he had fucked. He didn't even know. At first he had kept count, but he'd soon lost it and, well… there was a point where you just stopped caring.

"There are _millions_ of people in this city," he told Riku. "Even counting out the women and children, I would've had to keep pretty busy to go through all of them, don't you think?"

"Is it more than twenty?" Riku asked stubbornly.

Axel almost laughed, but managed to keep his face straight. _Is it more than a hundred, _would have been a more reasonable question. He suspected it might well be twice that.

"What if it is?" The answer came out sharp, but he couldn't help it.

Riku frowned, but Axel could see a flicker of hesitation in his eyes. "Nothing," he said after a while. "It's just a lot."

"Maybe it is," Axel replied, and doubted he sounded much like he meant it at all. He would have considered himself virginal and pure if he'd only been with twenty people, but he _could_ still remember a time when twenty had seemed an inconceivably high number to him too...

It was probably not a good idea to lose his temper over something petty like this, and after all it was a good thing that Riku wanted him for himself, so he let small smirk come over his lips and tapped Riku's nose playfully.

"Are you worrying about getting lost in the crowd? I can assure you there's no need, _especially_ after tonight…"

Riku rolled his eyes again, but he was blushing as he turned his head away.

"It was just sex," he muttered weakly.

That was too bad… Axel had kind of hoped it was make-up sex. Very well, whatever it was, Riku's mood had to be considered much improved compared to yesterday. There still had been no calling him an asshole, no walking out on him or force-feeding him sandwiches, so perhaps it was at least a first step to making him forgive him?

"That's bullshit," he argued, leaning in to kiss Riku's neck. He hoped he wouldn't be in trouble when Riku saw what he had done to it… large hickeys bloomed red and purple all the way from his jaw line down to his collarbone, sharply contrasting his pale skin. "It was _awesome_ sex. You're sure to be in my hall of fame now..."

Riku was unimpressed.

"..Your _hall of fame_?"

Axel chuckled sheepishly.

"Okay, that sounded lame. Just, you know... some times are a lot better than others. Some people, too..."

Riku snorted, and for a moment something very angry flashed in his eyes

"Some people, huh? Well, you can count yourself a member of my hall of fame too, if that's the sort of thing that makes you happy. It isn't much of an accomplishment, though. Much less _crowded_."

Axel ignored the snark in Riku's tone.

"Doesn't matter. I like having it all to myself."

Truth was that his hall of fame wasn't very crowded at all. There was Marly, who would probably forever hold the throne since the night of Axel's fifteenth birthday, a couple of hot strangers Axel could not remember the names of... Roxas would have to be counted from now on, too. But that was basically it.

He was not going to get into that, though. It was just fucking sad thinking about his mediocre – when not outright bad – sex life. Much better if Riku thought it had been all good.

He forced a smile, deciding it was time for a change of subject..

"Hey, listen baby..." He licked his lips, suddenly nervous. Shit, he just said 'baby' again, didn't he? "Uh, I mean _Riku_. Seriously, _w_hy don't you stay a couple of days? You could need a little break, you know, with that shit at school and your parents… You really shouldn't waste a trip like this just going home again! There's a lot to see here, we could have fun… and then we could go back together?"

Riku looked at him for a long moment. "...Together?"

Axel nodded, holding his breath while he fought to not flicker his gaze away.

He remembered telling Riku he loved him yesterday, which he hadn't seemed to believe in or appreciate much at all, really. Maybe he was supposed tell him again?

He chose not to. He wasn't sure how he felt about saying it today, and it wasn't worth the risk of pissing Riku off.

Nothing was said for some long and very agonizing moments.

"We still haven't talked," Riku finally said, sounding hesitant.

"We're talking now," Axel offered, although he wasn't sure it was in his best interest to have this _talk _Riku kept going on about. He suspected Riku would just ask him questions that didn't have any good answers, and then he would get hurt and go home.

"Not like this," Riku decided, blushing slightly again as his gaze flickered down their naked bodies.

"Oh?" Axel smirked at him, trailing a finger down his side. He was very, very pretty with his bad case of bed head and kiss-stained skin... A round six could definitely be managed. "Maybe there's something else on your mind right now?"

Riku's expression turned suspiciously sweet and he gave him a cruel, evil look that would have made Marly proud.

"Yeah, there is… you said something about breakfast?"

X

Riku did feel better after he had showered. He was still sore, though… and his neck! This time, no makeup in the world would be enough to cover it up. Examining the marks in the bathroom mirror, he couldn't help thinking he looked like he'd been attacked by some toothless vampire, and he would have been very mad at Axel if it wasn't for the embarrassing fact that he could clearly remember himself moaning like a slut and begging for more as they were made. Maybe he didn't have much choice but to stay like Axel wanted, because he would rather _die_ than face the people at home limping and bruised like this.

Truth be told, he wanted to stay anyway.

He could deny it all he wanted, but something _had_ changed. In the shower, when finally he'd had some time for himself to think things through without being upset and sexually frustrated, yesterday's events started appearing in a slightly different light. There were so many examples of Axel expressing that he'd missed him and trying to coax him into staying that it was just ridiculous to believe that he didn't really feel that way. If he didn't, wouldn't he just have kicked him out when things started to get ugly?

He looked uncertainly at his reflection, fingering his bruised jawline. Axel _did_ care about him. Maybe even more than cared..?

If he stayed at least until the hickeys had faded, maybe he'd have time to find out? Axel was right that it was a waste of a perfectly good trip just going home right away... The plane ticket had not been cheap, and once he was home again, all his savings would be gone. And he'd have to face his parents, which he really didn't look forward to. At school he'd probably be drowned in homework and assignments to make up for his absence, as well as be scolded by a host of teachers worrying about his future. And that was the easy part...

Thinking about his class mates made his stomach grow so cold he felt queasy.

He knew those were not _good_ reasons to stay, but when everyone was going to be mad at him anyway, did it really matter?

He pushed the thoughts away and sorted out his hair and finished dressing. Then he found Axel standing by the stove, happily humming to himself while frying up some eggs. Riku recognized the tune; it was a cheesy love song Axel was deeply fond of, with some _truly_ cringe-worthy lyrics.

He couldn't help smiling and walked up to stand behind him, placing his hands on his hips. Maybe he shouldn't be doing things like that, but after tonight it seemed pointless to resist. Axel already knew he still loved him and wanted him, so it would just be silly to act otherwise. Nevertheless, Axel's smile looked surprised when he turned to eye him over his shoulder.

"Hey, baby," he greeted softly. "Look, I'm making eggs for us!"

"I can see that," Riku commented, watching the eggs sizzle in the frying pan. He didn't like eggs, but he didn't have the heart to tell him when he was sounding so proud of them. And he decided to let the 'baby' pass too. "I take it that means your appetite's better today?"

Axel nodded, leaning back into his arms slightly. "Definitely. Even my head's good... so far, at least."

"Good," Riku murmured into his hair. "I was so worried about you..."

"I've survived worse," Axel replied dismissively. "I made coffee. Pour yourself a cup and sit down. I also raided Demyx' fridge, have whatever you want."

He gestured towards the small kitchen table where indeed everything Demyx seemed to have in breakfast-way was set out.

"He won't mind?"

"Nah."

Riku doubted the truth of that statement, but Axel turned back to his eggs, flipping them over in the frying pan, and started singing again. It was cute, and Riku felt a stab of something bittersweet in his gut. He would gladly eat eggs every morning for the rest of his life if Axel would be there making them for him.

He wondered what Axel had meant when he said they could go home together. Did he mean as a couple? It had sounded like he did, but Riku wasn't sure he dared believe it… He remembered cold fingertips drawing vaguely heart-like shapes on his skin.

_Love and shit._

What if it was true?

_I think so._

"I can wait until you're finished," Riku told him, pressing a little closer.

He wanted it to be true. And he wanted to kiss him suddenly, so he did; softly behind the ear.

Maybe he could call Kairi later and hear what she thought of all this. Selphie and Tidus always asked her for advice when they had love trouble… not that it seemed to help them much. They were both single, although not for lack of trying.

He kissed Axel again, more insistently, letting his hands slide over his hips. He liked the feel of his jutting hip bones, and he liked how his boxers were so worn thin and washed out they wouldn't sit tight on him and kind of just hung there threatening to fall off. He decided to help them along, hooking his thumbs under the hem and felt the soft skin underneath prickle under his fingertips.

There was a soft little _oh _sound from Axel, then a gasp at the third kiss.

"Baby, I need to concentrate!" he protested breathlessly. He was sensitive behind the ears, Riku remembered and kissed him harder, slowly, until he whimpered. "Mmh..! I mean, not that I'm complaining, but – ahh..! The eggs…"

"Fuck the eggs," Riku whispered, nipping lightly at his ear.

If it _wasn't_ true, at least he could make sure Axel knew what he was missing. He reached around him, turned off the stove and dragged the frying pan off the hot plate.

"What are you _doing_ – oh!"

Riku flipped him around and shut him up with a kiss. Axel's eyes widened and then closed as he gave up and kissed back, hands uselessly turning over the spatula he was still holding. Riku took it from him and put it away, then dragged him to the side and pushed him back against the sink.

"I thought you were hungry," Axel gasped softly, lips never leaving his. His eyes looked genuinely surprised.

Riku didn't answer, just stepped closer and kissed him harder. Axel sighed contently, and wound his arms around his neck, returning the kiss. His mouth was warm and soft, tasting of smoke and coffee. Of _him_. Riku's knees buckled and he grabbed at Axel's hips, groaning helplessly as he felt himself getting hard.

It _had_ to be true, or he would have to give this up again. He wasn't sure that was even possible.

While in the shower, his head had been full of images from the night before and even though his ass stung and it hurt when he put fingers inside to clean himself, his cock still stiffened. It wasn't just that he wanted Axel, he wanted _sex_. Preferably with Axel, but still.

Last week when they'd been apart, he'd been so desperate he would have let _Tidus_ fuck him.

Tidus didn't want to fuck him though, and neither did anyone else. Well, maybe the girls, but that didn't help much. Perhaps that guy Selphie liked who turned out to be gay? But you couldn't just go up to someone and ask if they wanted to have sex, could you? Or..?

How could Axel have found so many men to sleep with? Even if he probably wasn't shy to ask, how did he know _who_ to ask? It couldn't just be guessing. There were probably clubs and websites and signs and all sorts of shit Riku didn't know about. But he didn't want to know!

What he wanted was right in front of him.

He pulled Axel closer and kissed him breathless, tongue sliding wet over his lips and in between until his head was spinning and his groin aching. Gasping he kissed along Axel's jaw, over the pulsing vein in his neck, until he found that spot behind his ear again. Axel whimpered, turning his head to give better access. There was something desperate about the way his hands clutched at Riku's hair, how his hips pushed against his.

Maybe Axel also preferred sex with him..?

He still had his thumbs hooked under the hem of his boxers and with a determined tug he yanked them down until they fell and pooled around his ankles. Axel's cock bounced out, as hard as his own. Riku grabbed hold of it, electric shivers racking his body as he remembered it inside him. The pain he still felt was suddenly erotic, and he bit lightly at Axel's neck as he groaned against his skin.

Axel's breaths had turned heavy, and when Riku leaned away to see his face, his eyes were so soft and glazed he looked feverish.

_He loves this,_ Riku realized. _Being surprised; not having to ask._ He pushed him back harder, then grabbed him around the waist, lifting him up to sit at the counter.

"Oh," Axel whispered.

"Yeah," Riku replied hoarsely. He wanted him too much to let it stay just hands and mouths, but he felt too sore to let Axel do him. Leaning forward he kissed him again.

Axel's arms wrapped around him, hands going up to fist his hair, sliding under his shirt; grabbing, pulling, wanting. The rest of their clothes disappeared, Riku could not say how. All his focus was on Axel's mouth opening so perfectly under his. Raking his hands down the naked insides of his thighs, stroking his cock, fingers inside him... Making his heart beat even faster, his breath come out in short hot puffs, drawing those moans from deep down his throat.

How could anyone else ever compare?

"Stay there."

Axel gave out a whine of disappointment as Riku untangled from him.

"I'll be right back," he assured him. Beside the couch in the living room he found the lube, the bottle lying discarded under Axel's underwear. Riku grabbed it, hurrying back.

Axel sat as Riku had left him, at the edge of the counter with his legs spread wide. He was fondling himself but when he heard him enter the room, he looked up with a wanton, wicked grin, eyes sparkling above his tattoos.

Riku swallowed hard, feeling blood rushing to his cheeks and hardening his cock. Wordlessly he stepped back in between his legs, letting his hands run over his chest, over his tiny nipples, then down his sides and under his thighs until he could grab his hips. He lifted slightly, bringing their crotches closer together.

Axel watched him silently, licking his lips as their cocks rubbed together and Riku squirted the lube into his palm. He smirked at him, and saw his eyes darken with lust.

They kissed again, Axel moaning and wrapping his legs around his back. Riku took both their cocks in his hand, stroking slowly. The lube made it all wet and slick, matching and Axel's tongue in his mouth. He squeezed his eyes shut and groaned, feeling his balls drawing together tighter.

This was the worst part. Axel always got him so worked up he was feeling like he would come any second _long_ before they got around to penetration. And when they did…

Riku could not understand how Axel could fuck him like he did and last so long. When he was in Axel, he had to focus hard on holding back, because just seeing himself buried inside him and feeling that tight, wet heat squeezing his cock was enough to push him right at the edge of orgasm.

Maybe it got better with practise? It was embarrassing, though.

"Fuck," he groaned, "you make me so…"

Axel chuckled, giving him one of his crooked grins. "Well, they do say eggs are an aphrodisiac... I'll fry some up whenever you want if this is the thanks I get."

"Whenever I want?"

Riku wondered if he should tell him he'd just been thinking he wouldn't mind waking up to the sound of Axel singing in the kitchen every day for the rest of his life. It would probably ruin the mood.

"I don't even like eggs," he said and kissed him again.

X

"I confess I have no idea what goes on in your dirty little mind," Axel sighed happily afterwards, "but I really appreciate it."

Riku grunted out a chuckle, still feeling a bit woozy after his orgasm. _He_ had a dirty mind? Well, maybe he did. He'd just fucked a guy on the kitchen counter in someone else's kitchen after all... but he was pretty sure it was nothing new to Axel.

"I don't think the neighbours enjoyed the show, though…" Axel continued his musings.

Riku had been feeling perfectly content, standing there in all his naked glory, dotting kisses onto Axel's neck while still buried inside him, but now he froze.

Shit.

The layout of the room suddenly flashed before his mind's eye and oh, fuck, fuck, _FUCK_. They were right in front of the fucking _windows_. Had Axel known all along?

He stared at him, taking in the ill-hidden amusement written all over his face. _Yep. __All along._

"God _damn_ it," he groaned. "You knew! Why didn't you _say_ something?!"

Axel just laughed at him. "No way! What if you had stopped?"

Grumbling a curse, Riku turned to see how bad it was… and it was pretty bad. The houses stood tight together, so the neighbouring windows were not more than ten metres away. You could clearly see what was going on in the rooms behind them.

"Axel..!"

"Don't be mad! I thought you knew!"

"No, you didn't!"

Riku wasn't just mad, he was _mortified_. The windows right across from them had the blinds pulled down, however. He pointed it out, and Axel grinned.

"Yeah, sorry," he said apologetically without actually sounding apologetic. "I'm afraid they weren't down at first. They only did that after they saw what we were doing... Oh man, the guy's face..!"

Riku groaned again, his embarrassment knowing no bounds. He wanted to sink through the floor or at least run and cover himself up, but it was a little late for that now, wasn't it? How long could it have been? Half an hour? Or more?

_Everybody knows I have no shame. _Yeah, he could clearly see that! But _he_ had! Fuck!

"You..!"

He was about to chew him out real bad, but looking at him he suddenly didn't feel like it anymore. He looked so happy… and quite smug, as well. Riku suspected he had looked forward to tell him they'd had an audience, because for some annoying, _childish_ reason Axel thought it was very funny when he was embarrassed. After letting out a string of half-choked noises of indignation he chuckled despite himself.

"You're _hopeless_," he contented to say. "I give up. I guess I should be thanking my lucky stars they're not _my_ neighbours…"

"Yeah… that would have been really unfortunate," Axel purred, grinning at him before nuzzling his face into his neck. "Because _your_ neighbour doesn't mind seeing you naked at all…"

Riku gave out a tired laugh, kissing his temple right above the bruising. "Moron," he murmured, plucking at a red lock of hair. His heart felt like it was swelling, threatening to burst out of his ribcage. _I love you, Axel_, he wanted to say. He wondered what sort of answer he would be getting this time, if he told him. It felt a little too risky to try and find out, and suddenly he felt sad.

How could it be that it was so hard to say what you felt when it was so easy to be intimate physically? And why was it so easy to say something wrong when everything felt so right?

"I've had enough of involuntary exhibitionism for one day," he stated. "Let's clean up and get dressed. I'll stay for a couple of days."

Axel's head snapped up so fast at that, he almost hit Riku in the chin.

"Really?!" he exclaimed breathlessly, eyes suddenly wide and shiny.

Riku nodded, and felt that swelling in his chest again as Axel's expression changed into one of pure, childish happiness.

"Baby..! You're a perfect, beautiful _angel!_ I _knew_ you'd come around!"

"If you keep calling me 'baby' I'll change my mind," Riku told him, flicking his nose.

"Like hell you will!" Axel grinned at him. "This time it _was_ makeup sex and don't you deny it!"

Riku huffed, giving him a mock glare.

"I should bend you over and fuck you again," he grumbled.

Axel just looked hopeful.

X

* * *

_AN: Posting this even though it's really just part of a longer chapter. I need to get it out so I stop can stop editing and get on with the rest! Anyway, I think it can stand on its own and you poor readers deserve an update! Haha, some of you were so worried at the end of the last chapter, and then I come pouring this bucket of fluff over your heads... :)_

_Peace out!_

_EDIT: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuu! How do I manage these things? I missed adding the last part! I thought it seemed short even for a short chapter! Ok, NOW it stands on its own!_


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